In Due Time

Infertility Speaks

2012-01-21T23:55:00.000-05:00

The first few years of my infertility journey were probably the hardest, most gut wrenching feeling, month after month, negative test after negative test. We would have a bunch of sex, I would take my temp every morning, I would say a prayer and plea to whomever would listen, and yet, it never worked.

While we had A living with us, I wasn't nearly as focused on TTC and treatments. I knew the chances of us getting pregnant were not very likely and I knew we wouldn't be doing treatments until we graduate in 2014, so I didn't stress too much about it. Sure, a pregnancy announcement or a friend adopting would make my empty arms ache a little more, but I did pretty good to wrangle the emptiness feeling on a day-to-day basis.

And then A left.

And then I had a miscarriage.

And now I can't stop thinking about how empty our arms and lives are.

I went to a fertility conference/community talk this week. I mainly went because they were having a drawing for an IVF, but it was nice to listen to the doctors talk about their clinics stats. All I could think about was how were so close, yet so far, away from being able to start treatments. Two years away doesn't seem too bad when you've already been on this journey seven and a half years, but yet, today, it feels like a lifetime away.

I didn't win the IVF, but I did walk away with a $500 gift certificate towards a treatment. It expires in June. If this diet doesn't work before April, I'll give them a call to see about scheduling an IUI after this semester is over.

Try as I might, I can't ignore the sounds of the emptiness. Right now, it's deafening.

Wonderful End To Another Week

2012-01-20T23:55:00.000-05:00

Not.

I had a horrible migraine this morning. I was in the bed until the afternoon trying to get it to go away. Not exactly how I want to spend my Friday, but whatever.

This evening was awful, too. I can't go into details for privacy sake, but we could use an extra prayer or two around Casa De Time.

The day was not a complete loss, though. We went to Outback for dinner, where I was able to get the manager to get us in and out in less than 30 minutes so we could make the last showing of Haywire. Score!

Hopefully the rest of the weekend is a lot more calm than tonight was or else I might need a padded room and a stiff drink on the rocks.

A's Valentines Package

2012-01-19T00:00:00.000-05:00

I've been buying things for A's Valentines day package of the past few weeks. I'm going to mail it to her next week.

She loved her necklace with her Christmas outfit, so I bought her this cute shirt and matching necklace at Gymboree. Target had these cute Spongebob house slippers on clearance. I know she's going to love those! I also got her some heart pencils, a princess pen, and some puzzle erasers that she'll like for school. She loves peeps, so I had to grab these heart peeps. I also picked up a little memory game from Hallmark that was on clearance. She loves memory games and this was something she could play with Grandma.

I've already started getting her Easter goodies, too. It's been almost a month since I saw her last. Ah, miss that sweet girl.

Who Says You Can't Have PIZZA, BREAD, or BAGELS?

2012-01-18T14:30:00.000-05:00

As you know, last week I started back on the Low Amylose diet and so far, so good. I've really been trying to find new things that are safe to eat that, namely some type of "bread" substitute.

Well, I finally found a company that makes bread out of tapioca starch, which is safe on the low amylose diet!

Against The Grain Gourmet makes bagels, rolls, baguettes, pizzas, and pizza shells that are all safe to eat on the Low Amylose diet. My local stores do not carry the rolls, so I can't say how they taste, but I did buy the baguettes, cinnamon bagels, and a pizza shell.

I bought the pizza shell instead of their pizzas because I am the only one in the house to eat them and I didn't want to waste a whole pizza for one meal. (I'm not a fan of reheating pizza.) So, I cut the pizza into eight slices and wrapped them in stacks of two slices for an easy grab-n-go meal. This also gives me a better handle on the toppings. Some days I may want a pepperoni, while others I may want veggies only. The sauce I use I got from the organic section at Publix, it's called L.E.Roselli's pizza sauce. As for the pizza shell, I didn't notice a difference on the bites with the toppings, but I didn't care to eat the crust by itself even though I am typically a crust kind of girl. Next time I make it, I'll just extend the toppings to the edge.

The baguettes and cinnamon bagels were pretty good, but again, I preferred the texture more than the flavor. The bagel was fine with plain cream cheese, and the baguettes were good with meat, cheese, and mustard or smothered in peanut butter.

The baguettes were about $8 for two baguettes, but that's six servings so it's not too bad. The bagels were also about $8 for six. The plain pizza shell was about $7 for eight slices, their pizzas topped were only about $8. I wish I could find the rolls locally.

I will be buying these products again, and if you're on the low amylose diet, you should give them a try, too. Let me know what you think about them. (You can find them in your frozen food sections. There is a store locator here.)

Make A List, Tip #1

2012-01-17T02:45:00.000-05:00

This past week was really hard for me to keep up with everything I wanted to do. I barely managed to get the bare minimum done of what I had wanted to in my head. One of the things I had planned on doing, was this post. As I told you, I read a book about eating frogs, and I am going to share some tips with you that I took away from the book.

The biggest thing this book discusses, is about making lists. It talks about life goals and such, but I want to focus on the here and now. For the here and now, you can start with a monthly list, a weekly list, and a daily lists. What do you want to do for the month? What do you want to do this week? What do you need to get done today?

For my monthly goals, I look at my yearly goals, which look at my life goals. Again, I'll go more into detail about that another time. But for now, I'll look at my yearly goals for this month. What on that list do I want to do this month? What on that list do I need to address to make the list complete in 12 months? Well for starters, I can eat healthier, exercise more, be a more loving spouse, volunteer more, read a book, make a lunch or coffee date with a friend, and I need to glance at my planner so I can stay ahead in school.

For my weekly goals, I also need to take a note of what I wanted to get done this month, as well focus on things that are due this week, or things I want to get taken care of that maybe are too minute to be on a yearly or monthly goal, like cleaning my bathroom or putting away the Christmas decorations.

As for my daily goals, every morning, or even the night before, it says to take a few minutes to address what you would like to get done for the day. This also may require you to look back at your weekly goals, as well.

For instance, my monthly goal for January may be to eat healthier, exercise more, be a better spouse, go on a lunch date with a friend, volunteer more, read a book, and stay ahead in school. But, my weekly goal may be to plan out my meals for the week, exercise by riding my bike for X miles this week, go on a date with NYEBoy, schedule a lunch date with so and so, help at church and the sheIter on Sunday, read a few chapters in a book, and see what's due in school this week. By doing those things, I can prepare the day before or the morning of, with a list of things I want/need to get done today, like eating according to my meal plan, ride my bike 7 miles, do some laundry, study for a test, and clean the kitchen.

After you prepare you lists, the book says to address each item with the ABCDE method. A is something that has to be done, it's very important. B is something that you should do, but it doesn't have the consequences of something like an A item. C is something that would be nice to do, but if you don't do it, that's okay. D is for those jobs that you can delegate to someome else. And E items are for those items that you can eliminate all together.

So, for instance my goals today are:

Eating properly
Riding my bike 7 miles
Laundry
Studying for a test
Cleaning the kitchen
Sending out thank you cards
Taking out the trash
Mailing a package

My A goals would be to eat properly, do laundry, clean the kitchen, study for a test, and mail the package.

My B goals would be to ride my bike.

My C goals would be to mail out thank you cards.

My D goals would be to have my brother take out the trash.

And I don't really have any E goals today.

The book goes on further to say to take your lists with the same letter and address them such as A-1, A-2, A-3, etc.

Although it's very important for you to go from thinking to actually writing down you goals, the next big step is to take them off of the paper, and DOING IT.

Next time, I'll be giving tips on how to go from writing to action.

Sleeping Beauty

2012-01-16T23:00:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I was on my feet quite a bit. By the time the evening rolled around, I was in lots of pain. My left leg was pretty shot. I had a ton of things around the house to clean, but it hurt to even walk. Well, I decided to take a whole muscle relaxer instead of a half. Holy cow, that knocked my ass out. I slept from around 1 am to almost 4 pm. By 5pm I was ready for bed again with a migraine. I downed some medication and was out again for another four hours.

I finally got out of bed, kissing NYEBoy goodnight as he was crawling into bed, and now I have to tackle the chores, blogging, and studying I had planned on doing all weekend. Gah. I'm really thankful I don't have night classes tomorrow.

Here's to hoping I get everything on my to-do list done before classes start in the morning.

Prayer Request

2012-01-15T14:00:00.001-05:00

For those of you who do not know, Baby Tripp passed away yesterday.

Please pray for his mother Courtney, her parents, and their friends and family.

If you feel so inclined and are able, please make a donation to DebRA in little Tripps honor.

I first heard about EB after watching The Boy Whose Skin Fell Off years ago with my mother. We were both touched by how painful, raw, frank, and funny Jonny was. Please watch his story, it will touch you, too.

I was introduced to Courtney and Tripp's blog through Patrice, Matt, and Jonah a few years ago. My heart breaks for these families and I pray for a cure. The parents and children are some of the strongest people I know.

Tank Is Full

2012-01-14T22:00:00.000-05:00

There are very few things that are good about being childless (without a choice).

By far, the number one good thing, has got to be being able to sleep in.

I totally got caught up on my sleep today, a little too much!

But, nonetheless, my tank is full! Hopefully I won't have a problem going to bed later tonight. I've got church in the morning.

I Barely Survived

2012-01-13T21:45:00.000-05:00

I barely survived the first full week back in classes. To say I am exhausted would be the understatement of the year (even if we are only two weeks into it. Ha!).

NYEBoy loves going to dinner and movies on the weekends, but he always likes to do this later in the evening. Luckily, I was able to convince him we should do dinner at 5 pm and a movie around 6:30. He didn't like it, but he went with it. After a long, exhausting week, it was nice to be home before ten.

My goal this weekend is to catch up on sleep, clean, and study. That sounds so boring, huh? Who cares, I'll take it!

Half Way

2012-01-12T22:45:00.001-05:00

While I was at my doctors appointment yesterday, the nurse asked me when my LMP was. I said 9-10-11.

Four months and 1 day ago.

I would be half way through my pregnancy by now.

I would have felt him or her moving by now.

I would know if it was a him or a her by now.

Would we have our baby boy S or would we be stressing out over agreeing on a baby girl name?

Would we have the crib bedding picked out?

How big would I be?

None of it really matters, I'm not half way to anything anymore.

Just Another Long Day

2012-01-11T22:23:00.000-05:00

Today was yet another long day! I'm sure this is a side effect of being back in school, but also starting back on the Low Amylose diet. No coke or chocolate to kick me back up! Wah.

I went to the doctor today. He didn't seem too concerned with the twitching/shooting pains. He prescribed me a muscle relaxer for the eye twitching and an anti-inflamitory for the shooting pains. There is NO way I could take both and function, but I agreed to take a quarter of each. I got back again in three weeks for a liver check so if it's not getting better by then, we'll try something else. Speaking of my liver, it's stable. I took a month off the medication, but I just started it back this week.

There was so much on TV I wanted to watch tonight, but I've only been able to squeeze in one show (One Tree Hill). I need to call Comcast and have them check on the DVR boxes I am supposed to be paying for, but apparently do not have. Grrr.

I hope you're week isn't as exhausting-feeling as mine has been.

It's Only Tuesday

2012-01-10T21:06:00.002-05:00

I don't know how I am going to survive this week, muchless the next 15 weeks. I am fucking exhausted! I woke up feeling pretty energetic, but by the time my last class came around, my body was beyond ready for bed.

I have a quiz in Chemistry tomorrow morning, then after class I have to drive an hour to go see my doctor. Beginning at the end of last week, my body has been having twitching/shooting pains quite a bit. It's really annoying. After my eye started doing it, I made an appointment for the eye doctor, but he said everything looked okay and he urged me to go see my PCP yesterday or today. I decided to get an appointment for tomorrow. This way, I'll only miss one class, which won't really be that big of a deal.

Anyways, I need to go study and get some shut eye.

And The Cookie Says It All

2012-01-09T23:00:00.000-05:00

Before I share what the cookie said, I have to say I am fucking exhausted. Holy shit. This was the first full day of class since Winter break. I can not believe how LONG it felt. It didn't even feel like a Monday. I kept thinking it was Wednesday by the time I went to my last class at 7 pm. What was I thinking about having a seven hour split between my classes? Oh, right. I needed a good Trig professor. And so far, he appears to be. We'll see.

Well, last night I went to dinner with a girlfriend after our life group met. I need more one-on-one dates with her more often! She took me to a place I'd never been before. They served different Asian foods. I originally got sesame chicken, but after having a bite of her soup, I made the chicken to-go for the boys and ordered myself a soup! Ha.

Anyways, after our dinner we opened our fortune cookies and both of ours were perfect.

Mine said "You will reach your goal in two months." One of my big goals is to get on the diet and lose some weight before my birthday, which is in March. You do the math.

Bring it on, cookie!

Not So Lazy Sunday

2012-01-08T04:00:00.000-05:00

Today will not be a "lazy Sunday". After church, I have a meeting with the y0ung adults group to plan the next six months of our group meetings and things that we want to do in the new year. I also have w0mens life stories tonight, too. With travel it looks like I'll be away from the house for about six hours. Eeek. I guess it's a good thing I slept 16 hours yesterday. I'm staying up all night to study and clean before I have to run around off and on all day today.

This next week will be my first full week of classes, too. Wah. Thirteen hours at school Monday and Wednesday! On the bright side, next Monday will be our first (and only) holiday until Spring Break.

I hope you're all enjoying you weekend! I enjoyed sleeping yesterday. Ha. (Only perk of being childless!)

Getting It Back

2012-01-07T23:30:00.001-05:00

I've been wanting to get back on the Low Amylose diet again sometime since the end of September, after the miscarriage. I would say I was going to start on Monday, but then things got pushed back week after week. And then there was HALLOWEEN! and THANKSGIVING! and CHRISTMAS! and OUR ANNIVERSARY!

And here I am, a week into the new year really wanting to start it back up. Except, there is one {big} problem. My biggest fear about getting on this diet is my cycle coming back and me having another miscarriage. It's the physical pain of a miscarriage, it's the emotional side to a miscarriage, and it's also how much it messed up my schooling.

It's hard to understand, but the custody case and the miscarriage both took a HUGE toll on my brain. I can't retain or understand shit when I am going through such a hard time. I think my therapist said it was your body protecting itself or something. The only cure for this is time. Not just days or weeks, but months. And really, there isn't anything I can do to speed it up or get rid of it. It's so hard to think this could happen again and I really don't to have such a shitty year again.

Despite this big fear, I am moving forward with beginning my diet again on Monday. I even bought a stainless steel thermos for my soups since we don't have a microwave at school.

Here's to hoping I can get my hot body back without having another miscarriage...

Learning How To Eat Frogs

2012-01-06T03:30:00.000-05:00

Every year for the past few years, I have really been wanting to get into reading. I haven't been a big reader since I was a kid. I have fond memories of collecting every Babysitter Little Sister book. I remember being curled up, under the covers, in the bed, and escaping into the books. It's been a long time since I've had those feelings.

I've made a modest goal of reading twelve books this year--one a month. As long as I read at least one book a month, I figure anything over that number is icing on the cake. In order to make sure I stick to my goal, I've been scouring Amazon's Kindle site every day for a few minutes. I check out the daily deal and see what's hot on the top 100 list. I try to add at least one book to my iPad, especially when they are cheap or free! I love a bargain.

Well, the first book I've read I finished in less than 24 hours. I read Eat That Frog! by Brian Tracy. The title was flashy and it was about procrastinating. Since another one of my goals this year is to not waste so much time and stay on top in school, I was hopeful it could give me a little inspiration to DO something instead of just THINK about doing something. Boy, did it ever!

This book goes through 21 ways to help you do better with your time, thus making your life more productive and successful. It's not 21 separate tips, it's really 21 different things to do together. Each thing on the list helps with the next thing, making your life that much more easier.

I'll be sharing with you all over the next few weeks, different things I learned from this book and how I've implemented them as well. Pick up a copy of the book or download it to your Kindle or iPad. This is a book you're going to want to flip back to often to remind yourself how to get the most out of work, school, and your life.

First Day Back - Spring 2012

2012-01-05T20:00:00.001-05:00

Today I began my 5th semester in college. Only one more semester and 2 more classes until I slide on over to the university. I don't give a shit what anyone else says, I am a badass.

After having such a rough go at it last semester because of the miscarriage, depression, and bronchitis, I was nervous about how this semester would go. To my surprise, I have been just as excited about this semester as I was my first semester. Last night, I laid down at a fairly decent time, but I just could not fall asleep. By 4 am, I was so annoyed at myself for being excited about going to school. Ha. That excitement was a little bit short lived as my 6 am self was wanting to kick my 4 am self's ass.

I hurried around the house. I grabbed my clothes, laid them out, brushed my teeth, washed my face, did my hair, put on make-up, threw on my clothes, tossed back a headband, before heading to get my bag ready. "Why didn't I do this last night?" I mumbled. I tossed out a bunch of shit, grabbed my planner, my laptop and cord, a spiral notebook, two pens, and two sharpened pencils. "You just need to get through today!" I said, coaching myself.

I arrived at school, four minutes before my class began, only to find out that 8 am class I rushed for, didn't start until next Thursday. Are you fucking kidding me? I had a good parking spot and three hours until my next class. Half debating on going back home to wait, I decided to stick it out until some girlfriends arrived to school. We talked for an hour before class, then it was time for Germ@n. Boy it's amazing how much you can forget with just a few short weeks off!

After Germ@n, I had lunch with a girlfriend before heading over to my next class, Precal. I was a bit nervous embarrassed about retaking this class, especially when a kid noticed me who was in another class with me last semester. I had recommend this professor to him. Oops. It turns out we have several classes together this semester. Actually, I have a few classes with at least two people. This is the first time this has happened to me not planning it. Lol

Overall, today was a great day. I am still feeling energized about classes, well, as energized as I can on two hours of sleep! I only have one class tomorrow, Chem!stry, for an hour, and then I'll have the weekend to get my planner together and begin studying.

I've got this, I can do it. I am going to do it because I am a badass! But first, I must go to bed.

Last Day of Freedom

2012-01-04T22:20:00.002-05:00

At least for the next 16 weeks.

I finally got my nights and days back around last night and then I went and woke up at 3:30 this morning. WTH? Annoying. I was going to just go with it, but when NYEBoy went to bed at 5 am, he asked if I would come cuddle with him, so I did. And then I apparently fell asleep. Oops. I didn't even wake up until lunch time. I was worried I was going to have trouble sleeping tonight, but I am feeling pretty tired, so it might not be too bad after all.

I've gone out with two girlfriends the last two days to see two different movies. Yesterday, I saw Tower Heist and today I saw Dolphin Tale. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to add Clearwater to my New Years Goals. I really want to go see Winter!!

I've already completed my first book of the new year, too. More on that later. Let's just say, it's inspired me a bit.

Well, I better get ready for bed, 6 am comes bright and early. Eeek.

A New Year With New Beginnings Take 5

2012-01-03T00:00:00.002-05:00

I have enjoyed doing this the last 5 years. So, in keeping with tradition, here is this year's.

The categories:
Things you learned this year
People you met
Things you don't want to take with you into 2012
Things you want to hold close as you pass into 2012
Things you're looking forward to in 2012
Things that were life changing in 2011
Things you hope to accomplish by the end of 2012

Now you can either give two answers for each category OR you can choose two from that list and give seven answers. I prefer to do two of each.

Things you learned this year
* I can let a piece of my heart leave my hands and survive.
* I can apparently flush another piece of my heart down the toilet.

People you met
* My Pastor
* Lots of amazingly strong women from my church

Things you don't want to take with you into 2012
* My disorganization.
* The stress/depression.

Things you want to hold close as you pass into 2012
* My love, NYEBoy
* The bits of happiness

Things you're looking forward to in 2012
* Finishing at the community college and heading over to the university.
* Seeing what happiness the new year brings.

Things that were life changing in 2011
* Losing A.
* Our miscarriage.

Things you hope to accomplish by the end of 2012
* Continuing to do well in school.
* Volunteering more.

2012 Goals

2012-01-02T00:00:00.002-05:00

Yesterday in church, our Pastor told us that her and her wife write a list of goals on the back of a Christmas card and place it on their fridge. At the end of the year, they check it to see how they've done. Of course they can check it throughout the year, too, but the goal is to make a list and try to work on each list for yourself and as a couple.

So, I am going to post this list of 12 things I want to do in 2012 on my fridge as a reminder or goals I would like to accomplish.

1. Volunteer at least 100 hours
2. Bike 2000 miles
3. Do my best in school
4. Work on being the best spouse I can be
5. Go on a road trip to see Chelsea Handler
6. Take a weekend trip with NYEBoy at least once a quarter:
► Atlanta ► _____________ ► _____________ ► _____________
7. Recycle more
8. Use reusable bags more often than not
9. Visit with a friend at least once every other week.
10. Read one book a month
11. Eat healthier
12. Work on a project I've been thinking about doing, but can't share yet.

My 1st To-Do List In 2012

2012-01-01T20:00:00.001-05:00

With classes just a few days away, I've already dusted off my note pad to jot down things I need to take care of over the next few days.

■ Laundry
■ Our bathroom
■ Our bedroom
■ Kitchen
■ Organize and clean my office
■ Front porch
■ Get planner together
■ Wash and organize my school bag
■ Go find a few new pieces of clothes to add to my drab wardrobe
■ Mail out thank you cards
■ Order my canvas print
■ Order calendar cards and mail
■ Get K a book of A's photos and mail

365 +1

2011-12-31T22:00:00.000-05:00

Not only is today our anniversary (Happy Anniversary, love!!), today also wraps up my year of blogging. Every day I have sat down to write a post, even if I can't edit and post it until the next day or a day later. Oops.

I've written a blog post every day, and I even wrote two on the day of the final court hearing.

In case you've missed some, all, or none, I figured you might be interested in a review.

Janurary kicked off a new year and a new semester. Angst would probably be the word of the month as we were gearing up to the final court hearing the first week in Feburary. A and I also found a church we liked and began attending.

In Feburary, we were dealt a devestating blow when the new judge ruled A be sent back to her mother a week later. Heartbreaking doesn't even begin to describe our feelings as we had to hand her over on that cold highway.

When NYEBoy went on a business trip in March for a week, I realized I should probably seek professional help after not getting out of bed for nearly a week except to eat or go to the bathroom. I also turned 27.

Throughout April I continued going to my weekly therapy classes. And then my mom stopped talking to me randomly. This, of course, lead to me continuing my therapy appointments for yet another reason. I also wrapped up my second semester in college.

In May, I began my third semester in college, began my low-amylose diet, met Maria, and began searching for the perfect place to move at the end of the summer.

In June, I continued going to classes, eating healthy, agreed on a place to move, finally talked to my mom again after having to bail my brother out of jail, heard a sermon given by Jimmy C@rter, celebrated A's 5th birthday without her, and finally got some new contacts after wearing the same trial pair for three years.

In July I finished my third semester in college, moved, had a visit with my mom, brother and A, and I crossed the 7 years of dealing with infertility mark.

In August, we finished getting settled in, I went a whole month without seeing my therapist, started my fourth semester in college, and my brother moved in with us.

September hit us with our second biggest blow of the year with a miscarriage. After dealing with infertility for seven years we had a miscarriage before we even knew we were pregnant. And of course this lead to even more depression, all the while trying to balance school. I also began a womens life stories group that has really helped in a different way.

In October and Novemeber I spent the majority of the time battling depression from the miscarriage. I was also hit with bronchitis for three weeks in November. By the time Thanksgiving arrived, I was struggling with finding things to be thankful for after such a horrible year.

In December, I finished up my classes, visited A for a few days, and spent Christmas with my mom, brother, and NYEBoy.

If you would have read this post to me a year ago, I would have thought you were joking. This has been one of the worst, if not the worst year of my life. But some how, some way, I survived.

I am not going to miss 2011 at all. It's been one hell of a ride I hope to never have to experince again.

My Brother Ran Off With The Babysitter!

2011-12-30T10:00:00.001-05:00

Sort of.

My brother left today to take my mom back home. She was supposed to stay a few more days, but I think she was anxious to get back home. I'm not sure what her deal was, but I'm glad she was here for a few days.

I told my mom to keep my brother for a few days because the last time we went out of town we got a phone call that he was going to kill himself. Ah, the joys of having an alcoholic brother who has a crazy ex that pops up out of no where.

Our anniversary is Saturday and although we normally go out of town for this occasion to stay in a hotel, we've decided to stay home this year and play puppysitter to the best dog ever since my brother will be gone and no one will be here to watch the pup if we leave.

I can't lie, as sad as I was to see my mom leave today, I was that much more excited about my brother being away for a few days! He's such a drag lately. (See, again: alcoholic brother)

I can't believe the year is almost over!

Ready To Go Back

2011-12-29T23:00:00.000-05:00

It's funny, when school was in session I was counting down the days until winter vacation. And now? I'm so ready to start the new semester. I'm ready for a fresh start, for good grades.

My schedule is going to be a little crazier than normal, with me being at school two days a week for 13 hours each day. Heaven help me.

I know it will be a challenging semester with Chemistry, two math classes, and German 2, but today, I am ready for it. I'm ready to grab the bull by the horns and make this semester my bitch.

I'm ready to walk for the first time ever in May to accept my diploma. I didn't get to do that for high school, so I am looking forward to doing it ten years later as a community college graduate with my AA. I'll still have summer school to snag two classes up before heading to the University in the Fall, but I'm feeling a renewed sense of energy again. I guess it's the feeling of a new year upon us as well. Whatever it is, I like it.

I better enjoy these last few days off of school because I know I'll be crying for a week off in a few weeks!

Reminders In Prints

2011-12-28T22:00:00.000-05:00

While I was driving the other night, I noticed my back window was COVERED in finger prints. I had to laugh. This will be my life one day. Finger prints to wipe off the windows.

And babies in the backseat sleeping, who grow up to be little girls in the backseat sleeping.

Now Is Not The Right Time

2011-12-27T20:00:00.000-05:00

I've been struggling lately with my infertility. The holidays and post-A visit tend to awaken these emotions even more so than normal. I've made some mumbles and grumbles aloud, which apparently means people can tell you what they think. You know, that right now is not the time to worry about having kids. What?

Why is it that if someone in my family gets pregnant and they aren't even in a serious relationship, please get mad but then get all excited?

Why can't two people who actually fucking love each other be mad or sad about being infertile? Oh, because accidents are welcomed, but when you plan for things, it's never a good time.

This "logic" pisses me off.

We're going to be kick ass parents who can afford our children, so stop fucking telling us when a good time is, any way.

On a side note, talking about adoption and fertility treatments don't exactly mean we're going the become parents today or tomorrow, this shit doesn't exactly work like that.

Two-on-One Time With Mom

2011-12-26T22:00:00.000-05:00

We all woke up after noon again today. Man, I love being a grown up sometimes! The plans for today included NYEBoy, my mom, and myself. We decided to go see the Titanic exhibit, grab lunch, and a movie. Mission Impossible? I don't think so!

We had a great time together. So much fun that we just sent the boys out to pick up Pictionary so we can play it as a family.

Love having my mom in town.

Merry, Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T23:30:00.001-05:00

We were all up pretty late last night. I'm pretty sure that has nothing at all to do with driving all night and sleeping all day yesterday. Which probably explains why noone cracked an eye before noon.

After I washed and rubbed down the turkey and tossed that bad boy into the oven, we I decided it was time to open the presents Santa got us! NYEBoy got me a Kindle, earrings, a box of Godiva chocolate, and a yankee candle in a rose scent. Sounds sweet, huh? This man prides himself on not asking people what they want because he knows what people like. Except, this is the second year in a row he's got me the same pair of earrings I wear. Last year it was the diamond hoops, this year it was the studs. And Kindle? Ugh. I've always hated those things. I have the iPad app and that's good enough for me. But whateves. The candy and candle were rockin! No worries, I still love him. Heh.

My mom, brother, and NYEBoy loved their presents! Dinner was good, too.

We had plans to go see Mission Impossible tonight, but I was slapped with another migraine while we were playing a game tonight. Hopefully we'll get around to that tomorrow.

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. I know we did!

Back In Time For Christmas Eve

2011-12-24T22:30:00.001-05:00

I spent the whole night driving. And then I promptly slept all day.

I ran to the store and picked up everything we need for Christmas dinner after I woke up. Except for ice, because apparently our ice maker is not making ice, but it is leaking water all over the kitchen floor. Perfect timing too, considering the maintence people are on vacation until Jan 3rd. Grumble, grumble.

All of the presents are wrapped and under the tree with the exception of the stockings. I'll put those out later.

I went to Christmas Eve service at church tonight, too. It was my first time ever going to church for a Christmas service. The message, music, and candle lighting was very peaceful.

I better go to bed soon. I hear Santa comes tonight. :-)

Time To Head Back

2011-12-23T17:00:00.001-05:00

Today was my last day in town. We're leaving to head back home tonight after my mom gets off work.

I spent some time with my grandma and aunt this morning before I ran to grab lunch with a girlfriend I hadn't seen in a few years. She was happy to see A too since she was only a year or two old last time she saw her, too. I also had to pick up NYEBoy's Christmas present. I hope he likes it! (Surround sound, FTW!)

My mom gets off in a little bit, so I need to finish packing everything at my grandmas. I also get to see K for the first time since Feb. This should be interesting or totally awkward. More of the later, I'm sure.

I'm totally not looking forward to driving for twelve hours tonight, by the way.

All Smiles

2011-12-22T22:45:00.000-05:00

Today was another day full of running around.

First up was our photo shoot that was supposed to start at 10:30. It was closer to one by the time we got out of there for lunch.

Here's one of the 12 poses we ended up getting.

I can't wait to get them in frames and put them up. I love having pictures of this sweet girl.

While we waiting on our pictures to print, we headed over to Build A Bear. I went in telling A she could only have one bear, but some how we walked out with 6! Alvin, Brittany, and the four minis to round out the crew.

After we picked up our pictures, we headed to the south side of town to eat at Uncle Lou's. My girlfriend and I had seen it on Food Network so we had to stop while we were both here.

We ordered so much food we couldn't eat it all, but it was SO good! I'm still drooling.

We ended up running a few more errands before heading back to my Grandma's. I'm leaving tomorrow night and I can't believe it's almost over. I'm going to miss this sweet girl, but so glad K gave me this time with her. I really appreciate it.

Going, and Going, and Going

2011-12-21T23:30:00.000-05:00

Today was another day full of going and going and going.

I was rudely awaken by my aunt/grandmas crazy ass dog jumping on me, which I am pretty sure caused a migraine. Around lunch time I finally made it out of the bed without feeling like I was going to die.

We drove to the other side of the city and picked up my friends two kids. We planned a trip to lunch, the zoo, the mall, and the movies. It was so much fun!

I also go pics of A with Santa, but I can't find the one to upload, so I'll tag that back in later.

After the trip to the mall, we decided to head over to my girlfriends house and spend the night with the kids. We have a photoshoot scheduled for tomorrow and it's closer to here than it is to my grandmas.

On a side note, am I the only one who has trouble sleeping without their spouse? I miss NYEBoy!!

We Have Arrived!!

2011-12-20T23:30:00.001-05:00

After driving all night, we arrived in town around 7 this morning.

Before heading out to my Grandma's to pick up A, we dropped off four bags of presents at my mother's house and say good morning to her. We picked up a bag of breakfast foods on the way to my grandma's, which we never did get around to eating much of.

About an hour or so later, I gave A a bath and we headed over to my old doctors office to see everyone. It was a pretty eventful trip considering on the way out we had to hide A's face because a patient had passed out in the doorway. He was dead. So sad for his poor family so close to Christmas!

After that visit, we went to lunch at Steak Escape. Ugh, I wish we had one here.

We went to see Chipwrecked after lunch. I'm not sure how the movie was, because I had been up all night and decided to take this opportunity to take a snooze. After the movie we went to my girlfriends house to see her and her kids.

And because I pretty much only go to Memph!s to see A and for the food, we stopped by Abbays for dinner on the way back to my Grandmas.

We've been blowing and going all day long. I can not wait to pass out!

We're On Our Way!

2011-12-19T21:30:00.000-05:00

On my way to Womens Life group tonight, I called my mom to talk to her. I was pretty much packed and ready to go on our trip to Memph!s after our meeting. Except, apparently K wasn't. I was told I would not be able to take A anywhere and I could only come see her at the house with either K or her thug-boyfriend supervising.

Yeah, that didn't go over so well. I told my mom she had two hours to convince K to let me spend time with A or I was going to call the courts first thing in the morning. K is in violation of the courts order and I haven't done anything about it just yet because I am trying to be nice. She's breaking three of the conditions of A being back with her, so I am sure the courts would love to hear this.

I've been looking forwards for weeks to getting to spend time with A this week. It's been a hell of a year and I really needed this little pick me up.

After I got out of our group meeting, I called and spoke with my mom who told me to speak to K. We talked for about 30 minutes. She was going on and on about how I didn't understand how trying to take her kid away from her hurt her and all of this shit. Pretty much saying it was all my fault and she was totally not an unfit parent. Whatever.

Long story short, we talked and she agreed to let me come get her for a few days and spend time with her. So, my girlfriend and I are on our way to Memph!s! We have about a ten hour drive ahead of us and I can't wait to see her sweet face!!

Lunch With A Friend

2011-12-18T00:00:00.000-05:00

I haven't seen kristencmcd in forever. Finally with a few days off from school, before I head out of town, we finally scheduled a lunch date.

We went to Crispers. Oh my goodness, that Asian salad is to-die-for. I may or may not be going back very soon for a whole salad instead of a half. Heh.

It's funny, even though I hadn't talked to her in forever, we picked up like we hadn't stopped. I love that about girlfriends. Hopefully I won't be such a shut in over the next year and we'll be able to hang out more often. Plus, she as a little bun in the oven and I am totally excited for her.

I'm So Sorry

2011-12-17T23:00:00.001-05:00

After dinner, we walked outside. Flashing red and blue lights lit up the parking lot. "Wow, what's going on?" NYEBoy asked. "I think someone got pulled over." I replied.

As we walked to our car, we realized there had been an accident. The officer was writing her report and questioning the witnesses. In between the flashing lights, I saw her. My heart stopped.

"Look! I think that's the officer that helped us that night." I whispered to NYEBoy. He said he couldn't tell. I didn't want to leave. I had to say something. We were stuck in the parking lot at that point because the wrecker had pulled up to tow away the damaged car.

A few minutes later, the officer walked over to her car.

"Excuse me officer" I said to her.

"Hey, I know you!" she replied.

Indeed, she did. We spoke for a few minutes and I gave her the run down of what happened after that night.

She gave me a hug and told me she was so sorry. You could tell by the look in her eyes she really meant it.

After I left, my body filled up with emotion and I wanted to cry. It felt like I was back at that night fighting to find A. Those officers were amazing that helped us. From the ones that found A at the bus station, to the ones who stayed in our house and told us that every available officer was looking for them. I can't begin to explain how helpless you feel when a child you love is missing.

Favorite Secrets Friday 2

2011-12-16T00:00:00.001-05:00

Here are my five favorite secrets this week from the Post Secret app.

See: Week 1

Round M&M's?

2011-12-15T00:00:00.001-05:00

Every Christmas, I have to get a bag of mint m&ms.

I had to laugh when I got to the end of the bag and saw a round m&m. I swear it totally tasted different. Ha.

Have you ever seen a round m&m?

[Sidenote: I have one more final tomorrow that I am studying for today. It's in History. I fully inteend on making that exam my bitch. :-) ]

Angel of Healing

2011-12-14T00:00:00.000-05:00

I got this in the mail today. It's the angel of healing.

Whoever sent it to me, thank you. It came at a perfect time. I was having a downer moment and the mail arrived. She's on my desk reminding me to heal. Thank you, again. I love it.

For An Angel

2011-12-13T20:00:00.000-05:00

I normally don't do the whole angel tree thing. It's not because I don't want to help someone, but after hearing an old coworker tell me she signs her kids up so she didn't have to buy presents, I stopped doing them. And this year I heard someone who just got back from a trip to Africa to marry some man a few weeks ago say she signed her kids up because she couldn't afford gifts. Say what? Priorities, people!

Well, this year at church I decided to help a little four year old on the tree since I didn't have A to buy a lot for. The limit was $20-25, but I went a bit overboard. Whoops!

I hope this little one has a wonderful Christmas.

100%

2011-12-12T17:00:00.000-05:00

I aced my Germ@n final today. This totally made me feel good!

Now, I only have to worry about one final, US History, on Friday.

I still can't help but feel bad about my two math classes though, even if it is the right decision.

Hopefully next semester I'll avoid the whole "lets have a miscarriage the second week of classes" thing.

Retaking Two

2011-12-11T00:00:00.000-05:00

After much discussion, crying, and thinking, I have decided to retake both of my math classes. Although I know I can pass them with a C, I worry it will kill my GPA and I'll be heading into Calculus with a rocky foundation. Therefore it's been in my best interest to retake them in the Spring. No big deal, but it totally makes me feel like a failure.

Oh the flip side, I only have two finals to focus on and make my bitch this week.

Wish me luck.

Struggling

2011-12-10T01:55:00.004-05:00

This week has been hard. The other night, I literally laid in bed wondering how my death would affect other people.

NYEBoy. He's still young. He could totally find someone who loves him without all of my baggage. He would have a spouse who wasn't so sad and whose family wasn't full of such drama.

My brother and sister wouldn't really care. Neither would my dad.

There was only a few people I think who would be actually sad if I wasn't here, but even in that moment, it was hard to think they even mattered.

It's not that I would do anything, but in those moments of hopelessness, pain, and grief, I just wanted it all to go away. I want the heartbreak to go away. I don't care where it goes, I'm just tired of carrying this burden. I'm exhausted, physically, emotionally, mentally.

I know it will get better. With time, the pain isn't nearly as sharp. The waves come less frequently.

It's been three months and I miss Baby M every day.

Favorite Secrets Friday 1

2011-12-09T00:00:00.000-05:00

I'm secretly addicted to the Post Secret app. Well, I guess it's not really a secret any more. Anyways, I've decided to share my favorite five every Friday.

Michelle Miscarries

2011-12-08T22:00:00.000-05:00

When I heard Michelle Duggar had a miscarriage, my first response was as as a bitter infertile. But it only took a second later for me to respond as a bitter infertile who had a miscarriage three months ago.

When they announced that they were expecting #20 last month, I literally wanted to throw up in my mouth. I struggle with thinking that Michelle Duggar has to be such a baby making machine for her (to me) brainwashing husband. Why can't they just be happy with the 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19 children they have without wanting to expand their ~~legs~~ broad every fucking year and a half? It's gross.

Having said that, the other half of me, the one who is still suffering with the grief of her miscarriage from three months ago, wants me to give her a hug. Her miscarriage was a second trimester miscarriage and I just can't imagine how different that was for her than her first miscarriage 20-something years ago. My heart aches for her.

My prayers are for them to heal from this devastating loss. Whether it's #1 or #20, a loss is a loss is a loss and it fucking sucks. I can't help but pray that they use a little bit more caution because she's not a spring chicken. Her last two pregnancies have ended with a premature baby and a second-trimester miscarriage. God forbid something happen to Michelle. Her 19 children and 2 grandbabies need her more than a tv show that has to change its name every 18 months because they can't stop counting.

As a side note, its good to see some websites and tv shows mentioning how to comfort someone you know who has had a miscarriage. I can tell you what NOT to say just from my own experience.

Gute Arbeit, Klasse!

2011-12-07T23:03:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago, our Germ@n class watched the language cartoon M|_|zzy. If I'm not mistaken, it's one film, but they have it in several different languages. It's really cute.

Anyways, one of the favorite parts of the movie with the class was the clock scene where Norbert says "Good Morning", "Good Day", and "Good Night". It's really cute.

Here's the YouTube clip:

Well, we have our Germ@n potluck party tomorrow. I knew as soon as they said potluck that I wanted to make a cake with Norbert and the clock. I just wasn't sure how I was going to do it.

After several hours of trying, I finally came up with this:

Isn't that so cute??? I ended up melting chocolate and using a ziploc bag to do the design on wax paper and then I transferred it to the cake. A royal pain in the ass, but omg it's totally bad ass. :-)

I hope the class likes it tomorrow!!

Last Week of Classes (Fall '11)

2011-12-06T22:00:00.000-05:00

This is the last week of classes before finals begin next week. I'm filled with anxiety and the depression keeps slipping in. Some moments I am consumed with grief of Baby M and A, and others I am consumed with anxiety about passing my classes.

I struggle with the point of it all. I want my degree, but I also want my baby(ies). The waiting is hard. The being optimistic is hard. The being hopeful is hard. The struggle is hard.

It's all hard. Some days are better than others, but holy shit the holidays are fucking with me big time this year.

Two more weeks and then I can be as sad as I want without having to worry about it messing up a class.

McLovin or McHatin The McRib?

2011-12-05T22:00:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago, the McRib "came back". From where? Who knows. Anyways, I have never had a McRib before, until I suddenly decided I really should try it. Before I tried it, I've heard two things from people who talk about it: they McLove it or they McHate it.

So, this is it, huh?

And now I'm scared.

I take a bite.

Then, I chew.

And then, I spit it out.

Gross.

Sorry McDonalds, I'm not McLovin' it. But, my brother did! He promptly ate it because "it is a waste to throw away a perfectly good sandwich!" Duh.

What about you? Have you ever had a McRib? Do you McLove or McHate it?

Why Ask For Help?

2011-12-04T23:30:00.000-05:00

What's the point of asking for help?

If I ask for help, are you going to bring A back?

If I ask for help, are you going to make me pregnant or give me my baby back?

If I ask for help, are you going to lose weight for me?

If I ask for help, am I suddenly going to feel the way I do before I look into the mirror or at my shadow?

If I ask for help, are you going to take my finals for me so I don't have to think?

What's the point of asking for help? There's nothing anyone else can do. Not one damn thing. No one can bring A back. No one can make me pregnant or give me my baby back. No one can make me feel the way I do before I look in the mirror.

I can't find time to go see the therapist at school because I am too busy with my classes and barely have a break for lunch, much less to go have her tell me I am feeling exactly the way I should be.

Of course I am feeling this way. It's the end of the semester. It's been almost 9 months from when I had to hand A over on that cold highway. It's been almost three months since the miscarriage. It's been a year since the family fall out.

So, what's the point? No one can do anything.

The pain is mine. I can't give it away. I cry hoping the tears take the pain out of my body, but it doesn't. It's still there.

I don't know what to do. I just don't know...

So Sore Saturday

2011-12-03T23:30:00.000-05:00

Today I woke up early at our my church's yearly holiday bazaar. It was fun, but I should have left around noon because I didn't end up getting anything done once I got home. I was exhausted by the time I got back home. My whole body hurt. I ended up taking a two hour nap before my girlfriend rang my cellphone telling me she had been chilling in the living room for an hour. See? A good girlfriend knows when you need a nap and lets you keep sleeping. Heh.

We ended up going bowling after dinner tonight. It was fun, but my body was killing me. I'm hurting so bad I don't think I'll even sleep very well tonight. My muscles keep spazzing.

I hope you're all having a wonderful weekend.

A Hard Decision

2011-12-02T23:00:00.000-05:00

Tonight I had to sit down with NYEBoy and make one of the hardest decisions about school thus far.

Because I feel like I don't have enough time to fully understand my Precal class and I will barely be passing it, I've decided to bomb the final so I can retake the class in the spring.

It won't push me further away from graduating or anything, but it sucked hard to make that decision. But, it's the right one. I am a Math major and I need to get a solid foundation in these math classes to be a good teacher one day.

Now, I just have to go sit with my professor Monday and tell him this. That might just be harder than having the talk with NYEBoy or blogging about it. I feel like I've failed him as a student. I really hope I am able to take him again in the Spring though, because he's an awesome professor.

Just because it's the right thing to do, doesn't make it an easy decision.

Final 31

2011-12-01T23:37:00.002-05:00

I'm in my final 31 days of blogging every day for a year. (Plus twice the day of the court hearing!) Crazy.

I'm setting a goal this month to ride my bike 200 miles. Since I'm going out of town for a few days towards the end of the month, I should be able to do it if I do at least 10 a day that I am in town.

We only have one more week of classes before finals. That's a little scary.

I can't lie, I'm ready to get the rest of this year over with. :-)

No Christmas Card

2011-11-30T23:45:00.000-05:00

This will be the first year in several, that I won't be mailing out Christmas cards.

There will be no Seasons Greetings from NYEBoy, InDueTime, and A.

Or Happy Holidays from NYEBoy, InDueTime, and Baby M.

There is no getting A bathed, dressed, and snapping hundreds of pictures.

No deciding on which photo, or photos, if we're lucky, to choose from.

There is no ultrasound picture of Baby M.

There is a broken heart.

There are empty arms.

There was a loss of a child.

Of two children, actually.

There is no catchy greeting to come up with.

I guess I could always send out New Years cards.

I could put the words "We started off this year losing A and then we rounded out the year with a miscarriage! Next year can't suck nearly as much as this year did! Happy New Year!!" over a picture of my empty arms.

LOST It

2011-11-29T23:35:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, I stayed home from school because I needed some alone time. My brother was out of town and NYEBoy was at work. I only had about 4 hours to myself, but I needed it. I worked on my Christmas lights and cleaned the house.

Despite the time to myself, I still couldn't kick the depressed feeling weighing heavy on my chest. I've pretty much been on the verge of crying at any point since last week. At first, I thought I might be hormonal because I was pregnant or PMSing, but I took a test and it was negative and I haven't seen my period since the miscarriage in September, so I am pretty sure I have a bit of depression creeping in.

Last night, I laid in bed, but my back ached and my chest was heavy. Suddenly, I just lost it. I scared NYEBoy so bad he asked if I needed to go to the hospital. I just sat there and cried. And cried. And cried. And cried. And cried.

And then I went to sleep.

Today, I went to my German class and my teacher asked how I was doing. I said not good, then we spent the next thirty minutes talking about religion and politics. Over all, today has been much better than the last week.

Grief smacks the shit out of you when you least expect it, sometimes it nearly drowns me, but when the water recedes, the sun comes back out. I just wish I didn't feel so alone when it happens.

I See You

2011-11-28T22:30:00.002-05:00

I see you from my car as I drive down the street, you, your husband, and your two kids playing in the yard.

I see you in the frozen food section of the grocery store, your toddler in the seat of the cart and your preschooler by your side, you give your son the biggest kiss as he squeals.

I see you in the waiting room at the doctors office, with your daughter, as the front desk receptionist asks how you've both been doing lately.

I see you and see my future. My heart aches. Sometimes, I see you with a smile and hope, but sometimes I see you with heartache and it's all I can do not to run the other way.

Seven years, five months, four weeks, and two days.

What I wouldn't give to see myself in motherhood.

Taking A Hint

2011-11-27T22:40:00.002-05:00

Have you ever heard the joke where the man is drowning in the ocean and cries for God to save him? While he pleas for God to help, he turns away three rescue boats, and ends up dying? Then, he gets to heaven and asks why God didn't help him and God replies, "I sent you three boats!"

Well, I just had one of those moments.

I'm still not in a very good mood. I was up most of the night and even took a bath and shower at three am to see if it would help make me feel better, but it didn't work. I did eventually fall asleep somewhere around five, but I had to be up a few hours later for church because I had agreed to do a reading for the first Advent Sunday.

Anyways, all day today I couldn't kick the 'tude. I tried to go lay down a little bit ago. I grabbed my iPad in hopes of submursing myself into an episode or two of One Tree Hill before I fell asleep and woke up a few hours later to try studying before school.

But, Netflix wasn't loading on the iPad. I fiddled with it for about forty-five minutes and then I realized I could work on some things and have it playing on my computer.

And, then, cue me drowning.

The episode that was up next was apparently the episode where Peyton and Lucas have a miscarriage. And my heart stopped. And I wanted to puke.

Sigh.

I should have taken the cues. Netflix isn't working--Go to bed or go study, but don't watch the next episode tonight.

I need to get better at taking a hint.

Le sigh.

It's UP, But I'm Not

2011-11-26T23:45:00.001-05:00

I finished decorating the Christmas tree while we watched the Gat0rs and F$U play. (We WON!!!! Go N0les!) Despite the win and my tree all being up, I still can't get in a good mood. I'm going to try to get some sleep tonight because I need to wake up early and get a shower for church in the morning. Hopefully tomorrow is better.

Isn't she pretty? Speaking of pretty, if you have any fun Christmas craft ideas, feel free to share them with me!

The Holiday Spirit

2011-11-25T23:30:00.001-05:00

I should have spent the day studying, but I'm still in a horrible funk so I pulled out the Christmas boxes and started working on my Christmas tree hoping it would force me into a better mood. On the flip side, it could push me further to the edge. We'll see, I guess.

NYEBoy's friend's girlfriend was in town for the holiday weekend and they came over tonight. She moved a few hours away for a teaching job a few months ago and I miss having her around. Both of our boys are in the computer field so she totally understands the spouse side of this relationship. Ha.

I hope I can finish getting a few more decorations up tomorrow and then I'll get back to tackling my to-do list. I hate grief. I want to get back into a good mood.

I Am Thankful

2011-11-24T23:30:00.000-05:00

I'm not going to lie, I've been struggling like hell this week. There's no denying it. My heartaches and I cried Tuesday night the worst I have in awhile. I leaned over the kitchen counter eating some food with NYEBoy watching me while I bawled. The tears just wouldn't stop. And then NYEBoy came to bed with me and I crashed.

I'm struggling with trying to find things to be thankful for this year when all I can think about are the things that I don't have.

But, I do have some things to be thankful for.

I am first of all thankful to the most wonderful man a girl could ever dream of. As much as we fuss at each other, I know without a doubt, he loves me with all of his heart.

I'm also thankful for my friends, you know who you are. Thank you for being there for me during this difficult year.

I'm thankful to be as far with school as I am. I guess that means I am thankful for myself, as I am the one who got me here.

I'm thankful for this blog and those who read it, supporting me along the way.

I'm also thankful for my currently stable health.

I hope next year I have more to be thankful for.

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving with many things to be thankful for.

Cooking It Up

2011-11-23T23:00:00.000-05:00

I've made several trips to the grocery stores with the boys and our menu is planned out.

Turkey (roasted) & Ham (Honeybaked)
Dressing
Sweet Potato Casserole
Green beans
Mashed Potatoes & Gravy
Corn
Mac & Cheese
Cranberry Sauce

and for dessert we have pecan pie, a cheesecake sampler, rice krispie treats, and a fruit tray.

And yes, it's just going to be the three of us. Ha.

Crossing Things Off

2011-11-22T22:00:00.000-05:00

As each day passes, there is one less thing on my to-do list.

15 Trig Assignments Online
2 1 Trig Tests
1 Trig Final

1-10 page History Paper
1 History Quiz
1 History Final

30 5 Pages of German Translations
2 1 German Tests
2 German Presentations
~~1-3 page German Paper~~
1 German Final

15 Precal Assignments Online
1 Precal Test
1 Precal Final

...and hopefully, by Monday, there will be even less to-do.

Pretending It Didn't Happen

2011-11-21T23:00:00.000-05:00

Before our womens group begins, we go around and share how we are doing. This is the first time I haven't had bad news, but it's also only been a week since our last meeting. I'll be more amazed if I can share two visits in a row that I have no bad news.

As I mentioned, yesterday was adoption celebration at church. One of the ladies mentioned how blessed and wonderful she felt, both as an adoptee and an adoptive parent. I just smiled. It wasn't as celebratory for me, and yes, she did have a lot to be celebratory for. But then, another adoptive mother, whom I'm becoming increasingly closer with, mentioned that she was dealing with the opposite reaction. Her three boys are I believe 4-8 years old, and the eldest is struggling a bit, as to be expected with someone who has dealt with so much in just his short years on this Earth. My heart nodded more in her direction as I agreed silently in my head.

After our group, we were standing and talking and I shared with her that yesterday was hard for me too. She asked how I was doing and said she was talking with someone and they weren't sure whether or not to say anything about A because on one hand they didn't want to upset me but on the other, they didn't want to pretend the whole situation didn't exist, either.

I immediately said "say something!" I HATE when people pretend this whole year didn't happen. Pretending it didn't happen doesn't make it go away. Ask me if I've talked to her. If I have, I'll tell you, and if I haven't I'll tell you that, too. I wrestle with the ups and downs whether or not someone speaks to me about it any way. Asking me about her or asking how I am doing, is okay.

It's not that I am wallowing in grief, but this is my first holiday season since the court hearing, and I am not sure if I am going to get to see A for Christmas, so it IS sad for me. This will be my first Thanksgiving I have missed since her first Thanksgiving. (I was out of town visiting my ex's family.)

Pretending it didn't happen doesn't make the heartache go away. Acknowledging the situation makes me thankful you care.

Wasted A Day

2011-11-20T23:00:00.000-05:00

It's just been one of those days.

On the way to church, I remembered today's service was going to be centered around celebrating adoptions. I wasn't sure how I was going to handle it. I thought about turning around, but then I felt too guilty. I was already up and on my way, and so I forged on.

My heart cringed as they talked about those non-traditional families, whether it was adoptions through an agency, a friend, or a family member who took you in. And my heart ached for A and how much I missed her.

By the time I got home, I had no interest in studying, so I curled in the bed with my iPad and watched episodes of One Tree Hill on netflix. I set my alarm for 6, to remind me to get dressed so that I could go help at the homeless shelter. And I did.

But, as soon as I came home, I was back in the bed, curled up with the iPad, streaming more episodes of One Tree Hill.

I know I am going to school because it's the best thing for me, logically I realize that, but my heart aches to be a mother. I try so hard not to think about it, but I would be a third of the way through my pregnancy if it would have stuck around. But it didn't. And I'm not.

I'm going to try not to beat myself up too much about wasting a day in bed. My heart needed it. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day.

Beary Cute

2011-11-19T13:00:00.000-05:00

This sweet girl is slowly getting better.

She's not barking or wagging her tail yet, but I'm hopeful that in a couple of weeks she'll be even better.

She was put on a diet by the doctor after gaining over a pound in a week. The doctor said she could likely have brain damage that is preventing her from knowing when to stop eating, so we're monitoring her in-take. She's lost at least a half a pound.

This is her favorite spot. On top of the couch, looking out the window. She reminds me of a cat. Lol

Her next appointment is on December 1st.

Planning It

2011-11-18T15:18:00.000-05:00

I got my Erin Condren planner today, it is so cute, but the photo is a little off. I've emailed with hopes of a resolution. Hope there is a way to fix it. I've got two more on the way for presents, but I'm sure they will be fine because they are her designs, not photos. It has A's picture on it. Ah, love that little cutie.

My plans for this weekend include me sleeping tonight and studying all weekend. It's making you jealous, isn't it?

I'm looking forward to this semester ending. I'm ready for a break that doesn't include a doctors note. Also looking forward to going to the university in the Fall. I can't believe how close I am!

Herman Cain Says WHUT?

2011-11-17T23:45:00.000-05:00

I'm busy cramming for tests right now, but I can't stop rolling my eyes at Herman Cain. Every time I turn around, this man says something that makes me laugh so hard I have to pull out my inhaler.

You go have a laugh while I finish studying.

The Countdown Is On

2011-11-16T18:43:00.002-05:00

30 more days until classes are over
25 more days until finals begin
17 more days of classes
and a shit ton of assignments that can be broken down into the following...

15 Trig Assignments Online
2 Trig Tests
1 Trig Final

1-10 page History Paper
1 History Quiz
1 History Final

20 Pages of German Translations
2 German Tests
2 German Presentations
1-3 page German Paper
1 German Final

15 Precal Assignments Online
1 Precal Test
1 Precal Final

...and then I can exhale and tell 2011 to fuck off.

It will give me great pleasure to mark each of those items off my to-do list. And if I still like school when I get done with this semester it will be a miracle. For the most part, I thank God my professors have been nice enough with extending tests and due dates.

I'm going to pretend I don't know that it all starts over again in 48 days, though.

It's Just... So Wrong!

2011-11-15T16:40:00.002-05:00

At first glance, you might think it was a balmy 23 degrees on this lovely Saturday night.

And then you realize it's actually Tuesday at 1:30 pm and it's not 23 degrees outside because you're standing there sweating.

I see five things wrong with this picture off the top of my head.

Women Are...

2011-11-14T22:00:00.000-05:00

wonderful.
strong.
amazing.
incredible.
resilient.
kind.
loving.

If it weren't for blogs and my women's group at church, I'm not sure I would have learned this about women-- about myself.

Every week that I go to the womens group and listen to their stories, I hear the good things about women, instead of what I grew up learning from my family. Women should be there to support one another, not tear each other apart.

I couldn't be more proud of being a woman right now.

Cutting Costs While Cooling Down (or Heating Up!)

2011-11-13T22:00:00.000-05:00

The first two months of living here, our utilities were out of the roof. We knew they would be more because it's a bigger place, but we weren't expecting twice our-highest-ever from the old place, two months in a row.

I went out and bought Eclipse Energy-Efficient curtains for the big windows in our living room (from Walmart) and window tint for our odd-shaped windows. Our bill shrank by about 45% just in this first month since having them.

Since our living room is so open with the loft on the upstairs opposite side, I realize our heating bill is going to probably get a little high too, so I invested in a heater. I ended up going with this one because it was on sale on QVC two weeks ago. The boys think it's the most ugliest thing ever, but I think it's kind of cool.

Hopefully out winter utility bills won't be insane. I'd like to be able to not have to move next summer, but paying $2k in rent and utilities alone isn't exactly what we had in mind when we said "Let's move!" either.

[For those wondering, Bear is doing a little bit better. Still having a few slight issues, but she's back to jumping on the couch and going up and down the stairs with little to no help. We have a follow up appointment tomorrow afternoon, so I should get an idea from the vet what they think her outcome looks, but IMHO, she looks like shes going to pull through this hurdle. And I doing pretty good, too. Today I didn't use my inhaler after the first wake up, but I also didn't go anywhere, and that's when I tend to get out of breath. Tomorrow will be the real test when I'm back swinging between each side of campus. Thanks for your prayers for both of us. I'll keep you updated!]

Dare I Say It, Better?

2011-11-12T23:00:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure if I should say it, but I am feeling, better? Not back to normal, but I can finally feel all of these pills kicking in and kicking this sickness to the curb--where it belongs! I have had to use my inhaler a few times today, but hopeful I'm almost done with this crap.

I've been studying most of the day, trying to get things off of my to-do list. I can't believe classes end in just a month and a few days. Holy crap. Lots to do, so little time. Luckily, I've heard a few good news bits from a few professors, so I am hopeful I will survive this semester without too many scars. I hope at least!

Bear is still walking a little funny and her belly is swollen, and she did have a few seizures yesterday, but I stopped by the vet to pick up some stool softener for her and it totally worked. She crapped in the bathroom and my bro was so mad. (He doesn't know I talked to the vet and gave her some meds!) But, I'm dying for her to get better and I'm hopeful she will. We've got a follow up appointment Monday after class.

Not a whole lot going on this weekend. Just trying to play catch up. I hope you're all doing well.

11/11/11

2011-11-11T20:00:00.001-05:00

I woke up too late to make a wish at 11:11 am. Hopefully I'll catch it tonight at 11:11 pm. Apparently everyone else is doing it.

I've been in a bad mood all day.

I'm sure still being sick is not exactly adding nicely to the mix.

But then I remember yesterday marks 2 months since the bleeding kicked off the miscarriage.

And today marks 10 years since a high school friend died in a car wreck.

And today Maddie would have been four.

And Bear is still not doing as well as I wish she was and my brother won't let us take her back to the vet because of the amount we've already paid.

And last night I heard about Sam.

It's all just tugging at my heart strings today.

Many thanks to our Veterans and their families today.

And She's Out Again

2011-11-10T22:00:00.000-05:00

Last night after I went to bed, NYEBoy finally got off his business call and came in the bed room and I lost it.

And then I couldn't catch my breath.

Because I have bronchitis and my body hates me.

I spent a little bit over two hours trying to catch my breath, unable to go to sleep or get it to go back to normal. And after the urging of Twitter, I decided to head back into the ER to get something to help relax my lungs/coughing.

The PA treated me a bit weird and acted like she didn't know what she could do but the doctor came in and gave me a script for an inhaler and some pills to help with the coughing because they thought that was the main problem. $65 in prescriptions, $4 happy meal later, I crawled into bed, ate, took my meds, and passed out.

The inhaler has helped a lot today but it's annoying to have to use this crap.

Luckily, I only had one class today so I am not missing too much and we're off tomorrow, so hopefully by next Monday I'll be a lot better. (RIGHT?)

Finally Back

2011-11-09T21:45:00.000-05:00

I finally made it back to school today. It was exhausting. The coughing was insane. My Germ@n professor even wrote how to say "coughing, she's sick, etc" in Germ@n while I was out in the hallway having a cough attack. Ah, how lovely.

Bear is still acting a little weird, but appears to be getting a bit stronger.

My brother got drunk tonight and spent over an hour going off on me. It's such a weird feeling listening to someone degrade you. I know he's not right, I know it's his addiction talking, but I still can't help but want to punch him in the fucking face. Just because you have an addiction doesn't give you the right to put someone down.

Sometimes I feel so alone.

And now, I'm going to go to bed early because I don't feel well and NYEBoy is on business call.

Such is my life. (Apparently.)

Surprise!

2011-11-08T21:15:00.000-05:00

Look who came home this evening....

She's very weak, but doing much better. She still twitches, but it's getting better.

I've already spoon-fed her some wet chicken dog food. She ate quite a few spoonfuls. (One of A's spoons.) She also drank several medicine dropper-fulls of water.

Hoping and praying she keeps getting stronger and better. We miss our sweet fun-loving girl.

On another note, the doctor is going to wait to do anything about my liver. Right now, I'll just go back every two weeks for monitoring. If it starts getting worse, we'll do something, but as long as it stays steady or begins to drop, I'll be alright.

Thanks for your prayers for both of us! I'm still coughing a lot with the bronchitis and the first few hours are the worst, but hopefully in a few more days I'll be on the mend.

I'm Drowning

2011-11-07T13:06:00.004-05:00

I'm drowning.

I can't keep up- physically, mentally, emotionally, or otherwise.

I'm exhausted.

I need sleep. More than eight hours, more like eight days.

My coughing up blood is apparently Bronchitis.

Within the next week I have two papers due, one has to be ten pages and the other three. I also have three or four tests and 15 pages or so of language translations.

On top of that, I'm worried about Bear. She's no better, no worse. Doctors are drawing blood today to test for something that would mean we need to put her down and they are checking her kidney and liver function to see if theres a sign of a toxin. She'll be there for at least one more day. We're going up there in a little bit so my brother can see her. Have I mentioned we've spent $500 so far? Totally worth it if she's going to be alright. Keep her in your prayers still, please.

I'm still waiting for my phone call from my doctor about my visit to the specialist. I can't handle any more bad news.

----------------------------------
Update @ 5 pm:

My doctor called. I have an appointment tomorrow. Wish me luck!

We saw Bear today. She's alert, but still kind of out of it. Her twitching is still going on, but its only on one side of her snout instead of both. My brother said there is no change, but I see a slight change from yesterday. We'll know more over night.

--------------

Update @ 9 pm:

I called to check on Bear again and the nurse said she thinks the twitching is slowing down!! I'm really hoping and praying this means she'll be even better in the morning. Keep praying! We miss our sweet baby!

Prayers For Bear

2011-11-06T17:30:00.000-05:00

Remember when I said last night I wasn't sure if I was going to spend the extra hour sleeping or studying, well apparently life had other plans. I was awaken this morning at 4 am by my brother. His dog, Bear, was shaking and spitting everywhere.

I held her and googled for about two hours while we debated what to do with her, when we finally decided to just take her into the emergency vet. (Why do pets get sick during emergency hours? And on top of that, it was Daylights Savings time?? Gah!)

They aren't exactly sure what is wrong with her. It could be an infection or she could have got ahold of some type of toxin. We should know by tomorrow morning if she's getting any better with the IV fluids, otherwise it could be bad news.

I'm not much of an animal person, but this is my bros dog and she's got me wrapped around her little fingers. (Don't tell anyone I just admitted that outloud!)

Please send her some good vibes and prayers. I'll keep you updated on Twitter as I won't be home until late tomorrow night.

Sick, Studying, & Sleep

2011-11-05T22:00:00.000-04:00

I'm still sick as a dog. I had planned on going to church to help with some things this weekend, but I'm still really congested so I think it's best for me to not spread any more germs. Hopefully by Monday I'll be feeling less icky because we have our womens group again.

Friday I had my History test and I felt SO good about it. With the exception of one little part, I knew everything else. I have a Trig test on Monday that I've got to buckle down for. I hope I'm able to do well. Tuesday is the last day to drop classes and I'm praying I can make it through this semester without having to drop a class. It's such a source of stress for me. This semester has been insane.

Speaking of being sick and studying a lot, I've got to go get some shut eye! It's Daylight Savings Time so don't forget to set your clock back an hour! I haven't decided if this means an extra hour of sleep or an extra hour to study. Ha.

Twitter Suggests WHO?

2011-11-04T22:45:00.001-04:00

I have been meaning to blog for two days about something I recently did for the first time, but I'm too tired to type/crop/edit everything tonight, so you're stuck with something a little less interesting.

I've always thought the Twitter suggestions of who to follow were pretty much a joke. Half of the time it's someone I don't like or someone who has nothing to do with anything I like.

Case in point:

Um, WHAT?

Neil Diamond?

Why? I barely know he's a singer and I surely don't know any of his songs.

I am 27 after all. LOL

It left me with a feeling of WTF, Twitter?

Also? Noone that follows me follows him, did you notice that?

Can we say... computer glitch? Lol

That Was Me.

2011-11-03T23:30:00.000-04:00

[Warning: This post is about abuse. If this is a possible trigger for you, please don't read any further. This is a graphic video and should not be viewed with children around you.]

Either last night or the night before, I saw this video on Twitter and it stopped me dead in my tracks.

I was stunned. I'll let you watch it first.

Okay, like I said. I was stunned. But, probably not for the same reasons you are stunned.

I'm stunned because that was me. I was that girl. I was Hillary Adams.

That was my dad. My dad was her dad. My dad was Judge William Adams.

She was beat because she downloaded some video game or song online.

I was beat because I was playing with my french-style green beans.

I was that girl, screaming for my father not to ~~spank~~ abuse me.

I was that girl who didn't turn around because she didn't want to get ~~spanked~~ abused.

I was that girl pleading for the lashes to stop.

I was that girl who rubbed her leg that night because my leg hurt so bad and was so tender for the belt.

I was the girl who went to school the next day with a bruise the size of a baseball and frisbee on her right leg.

I was the girl who didn't tell anyone for fear that they might take me away from my mother.

I did not have a video camera to hide and video tape the abuse that went on on a fairly regular basis, but I can play the exact scene over and over again in my head.

Her father says he apologized and that it appeared worse on the video than it really was. Did I mention he's a family law Judge? Yeah. He should be removed from his position and the whole family needs therapy.

My father to this day has never apologized for beating me and no one ever talks much about it, but I'll never forget getting ~~beat~~ abuse. There is a fine line between a spanking and an abusive beating. This, was abuse, not a spanking*.

I wanted to jump through that video and beat the shit out of Mr. Adams and then I wanted to pick Hillary up and hug her and tell her she was going to be okay. I am now 27 years old and I will live the rest of my life knowing my father will never be able to put another hand/belt on me again. I only wish I could have stood up for myself at that age, but I know I was only a child.

(*For the record, I am against spankings of any type.)

So Hot In Here

2011-11-02T02:55:00.000-04:00

I'm progressively getting worse. My nostrils feel like they are on fire. My chest is heavy. My head feels like it's about to explode from the sinus pressure. My body aches (Not sure if it's from the bike rides or the cold, but whatever it is, it aches.)

And when I laid down tonight, I noticed I was feeling hot. Since I'm not allowed to take tylenol or advil right now, I decided to head over to the ER to get my throat swabbed and some antibiotics pop'n in my mouth.

I'm glad I went because apparently I have strep. ~~I'm going to kill NYEBoy! Doesn't he know I have a shit ton of work to do for school?~~ On the bright side, I have two days off to rest and catch up on school work. On the not so bright side, I'm missing the last History class before our test on Friday. FML. Gah.

But, considering it's now nearing 3 am, I am going to go email my professors and crawl back in bed. I feel like ubber shit.

Biker Siblings

2011-11-01T22:00:00.000-04:00

We finally found a bike for my brother yesterday. We'd been scouring Craigslist and used bike stores for a good deal and we finally found one.

We got him a $150 for $50 from an 83-year-old, pistol packing, one-eyed, widow from Craigslist, named Mr. Bill. Don't ask how we know so much about him. (Old people are so ~~talkative~~ cute!)

Instead of waiting until the next day to ride it, after the trick-or-treaters were gone, my brother and I went on a 7 mile bike ride. In the dark. On Halloween night.

I'm so glad we got him a bike, though. He's been talking mad shit about how weak my bike riding skills are. Ha. (What are we, 10?)

(Un)happy Halloween

2011-10-31T23:00:00.000-04:00

This was our first Halloween since the custody case.

It's my first Halloween ever without A.

I wonder what we would have dressed her up as?

Would it have been something funny like the year I dressed up as a spider and she went as a can of Raid? or the year after that when she dressed up as an Obama supporter to piss off my Republican family?

or would she have wanted to do something girly like last year?

Who knows. We'll never know.

NYEBoy has been working a lot (big project at work) so he didn't get home until very late tonight. Instead, my brother and I passed out candy for awhile and I even dressed up his dog as a witch.

I hope A had fun tonight, I wish ~~I could have been there~~ she could have been here.

Keeping My Kisses To Myself

2011-10-30T23:45:00.000-04:00

NYEBoy has been sick for about a week, but he's been so busy at work that he hasn't been able to escape to the doctors office yet. Well, apparently I kissed the boy (and I liked it!) and now I have his cold.

I missed church this morning because I'm so exhausted. I have a shit ton of work to do over the next week or two, so I really need to not get any worse.

And seriously? That's the last time I get near that man with a sniffle! I need to learn to keep my kisses to myself...

Almost Time Again

2011-10-29T22:00:00.001-04:00

I looked at the calendar today and I realized it was almost time to go back to the doctors office again.

Within the next seven to ten days,

I will know the results of the tests we ran last week...

I will know if I'm headed for a specialist...

I will have that appointment scheduled...

I will also have given more blood to see how the new medication and my liver are getting along.

I try not to think about the what-if's, but it's hard not to.

It's hard not to think about how the results of these tests will effect school and my life.

I'm praying for a break in the bad news. I think I've received enough in 2011.

Four Away

2011-10-28T23:00:00.000-04:00

Registration for Spring classes opens up Monday.

I've been struggling hard this semester.

I went through a custody case and made better grades than I have this semester.

I guess that's because I didn't go through a miscarriage before going through the custody case.

It's all added up.

It's been a hard 15 months or so.

Today I met with my professors and an advisor to see what I need to do about the remaining credits for my degree.

Apparently I'm not a total loss for this semester yet, but it's close. If I can snap out of it and buckle down (Think: Miracle.) I can pass my classes without ruining my GPA. There's only two more weeks to drop classes.

After speaking to the advisor, I realize I can taste the finish line. As in, I'm only four classes away from graduating and heading to the university after this semester.

If I can survive.

So, I have a goal.

Goal = To survive.

I'll be bursting my ass for the next two months to ensure I pass these classes and continue forward.

If all goes according to plan, I'll be taking two classes in the Spring and two classes in the Summer and then I'll be done.

Wish me luck.

Say a prayer.

I'm totally going to do this.

~~I hope.~~

I can do this.

Just watch and see.

Six-a-day Twice

2011-10-27T22:00:00.000-04:00

For the past two days in a row, I have rode my bike six miles.

As in, I purposefully got on my bike with the intentions of exercising.

And rode.

For six miles.

Well, for three miles.

Then, I turned around and came back home.

And that made it six miles.

And yesterday, I came home and played basketball with my brother for 45 mins.

And today, it was tennis.

WHO AM I?

What did I do with ME?

Let's see if I'm dead tomorrow.

$75 Chicken

2011-10-26T22:00:00.000-04:00

I used to be a member of Sams Club up until K started working there last year. After she started working there, then the custody case happened and I just kind of put Sams out of my mind. It wasn't a source of good deals as much as it was a reminder of where K met the bitch that drove the getaway car that night.

Well, I got a really big craving for Sams rotisserie chicken like mad today. So, I renewed my membership. For a $5 chicken.

It's a lot like Target, you can never get out of that store without breaking the bank.

I came home with a bunch of other shit I didn't need until I saw them. (Funny how that works.) What? It's not MY fault I didn't know I needed a Red Velvet cake cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory. Ooops! Wait. You need one now, too? Sorry.

It's funny how that $5 chicken ended up costing us $75.

Totally worth it.

Footloose

2011-10-25T22:00:00.001-04:00

Two weeks ago, I told my girlfriend I would take her to see Footloose for her birthday. NYEBoy would NEVER go see this movie with me, but I really wanted to go see it. (For the record, I've never seen the original.)

I ended up having to push our date off because she went out of town the first weekend it was out, and I had a ton of studying to do the next, but we were finally able to go today!

It was such a cute movie! Even if Julianne Hough played the only teenager I know with wrinkles! LOL (Totally not hating btw since I'm a smidge older than her, but I'm also not playing a 17 year old in my 20's!)

Neither of us had lunch before we went, so we gorged on popcorn and coke the whole time. I could feel the butter coating my veins with each bite. Totally worth it, by the way!

My Life Story

2011-10-24T23:00:00.000-04:00

Today I had a group of women from church in our W0mens Life Stories group come over to listen to my story.

I had mentioned to my mother about the group a few weeks ago, and recently told her it was almost my turn to share mine. Her response? That's great, but make sure you say some good stuff, too! I had to laugh.

I hadn't given much thought as to what I was going to say until about an hour before hand. Partly because I didn't want to get depressed or sad about anything heading into our weekend away with NYEBoy, but also because I've been so busy trying to get caught back up at school.

After we finished tidying up the house, I sat down at my computer and jotted down a page worth of things I knew I didn't want to forget. Funny enough, I barely looked at it the entire time.

I was able to share my story, not in enough details in some areas as I would have liked, but apparently it made an impact as the words they said to me afterwards made my heart smile.

A few people hinted about being interested in my blog, so I shared it to them. It can't be too much worse than knowing your family reads your blog, right? Lol!

It's funny, my blog readers (women) and these women have shown me more love and respect as a woman than most of the women in my family have.

There are a lot of strong women out there. It's been a pleasure getting to know some of them (you).

Happy Birthday To NYEBoy!!

2011-10-23T22:00:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday to the best spouse a woman could ever ask for! I love you so much!

What do you get the man who can buy himself (almost) anything he wants? Two shirts and a video game. LOL

Oh, and a Dairy Queen cake because apparently, that's what he gets every year. ~~Even though the one year I bought him one, he only ate one slice.~~ He better eat more than once slice this year or I'll never get him one again. ~~I think they are gross.~~

I'm glad we were able to get away for the weekend and spend some much needed adult time together. Hopefully I can do something big next year for his 30th. ~~How the hell are we almost 30 years old? OMG!~~

We've been through a lot in the past year-a custody case, losing A, moving, and a miscarriage. I hope this next year is a lot less heartbreaking. I love you. xoxo

Sneaking Out of Town

2011-10-22T22:00:00.000-04:00

We desperately needed some alone time together. Between my brother living with us, the miscarriage happening a week after he got here, and big work projects at NYEBoy's job, we've both been abnormally fussy with each other.

Since NYEBoy's worked for two weeks straight with no days off, we decided to get out of town for his birthday weekend.

We snuck away to Jacksonville to visit the zoo and spend some adult time together. (We had a Memph!s Zoo membership back home, so it's been several years since we've been to a real zoo. We loved the zoo back home!)

Before we could even get out of town NYEBoy's boss needed something fixed, so we stopped by a McDonald's.

Our first visit was to the stork. Since he won't bring me a baby, I went to him. Of course, I left without a baby. What a jerk.

Before we traveled too much more, we decided to get some lunch since the drive was three hours long and I needed some soda. (Diet, what?) NYEBoy said "So, I've never seen soda in a starbucks cup. Um, okay." LOL I know they don't do straws and such because of the animals, but I'm glad to finally see a zoo who has lids! I loved them.

After lunch, we went exploring. We saw dead frogs.

Or not.

One of my favorite pictures I've ever taken of animals was of a giraffe at the Memph!s zoo. I wish I still had the picture. I always try every time we see giraffes, but I haven't had much luck. Even still, they are still cute.

Snakes on the other hand? Not so much.

We even got to touch sting rays!!

After several hours of walking, we headed to check into our hotel. At first glance, everything seemed pretty nice.

And then I laid on the bed to watch tv.

WTF? Really?

Everything went swimmingly until we got a phone call from my drunk suicidal brother during dessert at The MeIting Pot. SIGH.

And Back I Go Again

2011-10-21T22:00:00.000-04:00

In between my first and second class this morning, I got a phone call from my doctors office. I knew something was up because A.) they never call this early and B.) I was just there a few days ago.

She told me my liver is elevated and she wanted me to come in today.

I ended up leaving school early and having my brother take me. He bitched the whole way there. (It's 30 mins away and he didn't believe me that the doctor didn't want me waiting. Whatever.)

She drew more blood and ran a few more tests. We expect those tests to come back negative/normal, so she'll refer me to a specialist in two weeks when I go back.

If you can spare a prayer, I'll take one.

Of course, I'll keep you all updated on what she says.

If it's not one thing, it's another. Le sigh.

Baby M's First Pumpkin

2011-10-20T22:00:00.000-04:00

After seeing Jenn get her little pumpkin a little pumpkin, I had the urge to get Baby M a pumpkin, too.

I Heart Hart

2011-10-19T22:00:00.000-04:00

Can I tell you a secret?

I am in love with the show Hart of Dixie. First of all, I love Rachel Bilson. The O.C., anyone? Second, I love some of the WB shows like Dawson's Creek and One Tree Hill, and I was hoping this would be similar.

If you haven't been watching it, you've got to check it out. Then let me know what you think about it!

Is anyone else as addicted as I am? Anyone else secretly hoping Hart and Tucker will hook up? I love me some Wade, too!!

Another Appointment

2011-10-18T22:00:00.000-04:00

I had another doctors appointment today, but it was just to draw some blood. I had to get my liver checked before I start a new medication that can mess with my liver. I'll be taking it for three months and we need to monitor my levels just in case.

On the bright side, I didn't even have to pull my pants down for this appointment! Woot!

Now, if anyone feels like taking a Trig or Precal test, please email me. I'm taking any and all offers.

Pink Bike

2011-10-17T22:00:00.000-04:00

I took off school today to catch up on some studying since three of my classes were reviewing for tests in the coming days.

My brother and I had been discussing getting bikes to exercise with lately, but today we finally decided to go to a few bike shops to look at some. Apparently most bike shops are closed on Mondays though, so we stopped by a sports resale shop. As my luck would have it, they only had one bike! But that's not bad luck, it turned out to be good luck because it was a woman's pink bike!

After test driving it in the parking lot and price checking it online, we snagged it up. Add in a quick trip to Walmart for a lock and cover and I have a new (to me!) back! Yay.

I still need to get a helmet to ride on the roads, and we need to get my brother a bike, but I look forward to riding it around on the trails in my area.

What's On The Agenda?

2011-10-16T22:00:00.000-04:00

Church.
Church.
And more church.

I'm not sure how I lucked up in having such a filled weekend, but I was either at church or at a church function four times between today and yesterday.

Yesterday we did canning in the morning for the holiday thing they have every year. I was on my feet for several hours and it killed my back. I'll be feeling this for a few days.

This morning I attended service as usual. Tonight I had a dinner get-together with the other y0ung adults in the church, but I was only able to stay about half an hour or so before I headed over to the church to meet a few people to help serve dinner at the homeless shelter.

NYEBoy didn't miss me much because he's been stuck at work since they have a conference coming up and their program is having issues. Poor guy will have worked two weeks with no days off by the time next weekend gets here.

In Honor of Our Baby M

2011-10-15T22:00:00.000-04:00

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. Tonight at 7 pm, people are lighting candles for the little ones they have lost and/or for those they know who've suffered such a loss.

I just want to thank those of you who have sent me twitter messages, text messages, and emails, no one else today offline said one word to me about our loss. It means the world to me that you care about us even if you haven't met us face-to-face.

To Baby M, I miss you more today than I did yesterday and I always will. I love you.

I Have Mice In My House!

2011-10-14T21:00:00.000-04:00

I had big plans on decorating our place for Halloween this year, but I really haven't felt like it. I have about six bins with lights and pumpkins in the storage closet that will be sealed for yet another year. Maybe next year. Maybe not.

I saw these at Michaels the other day and I knew it was something simple, but very cute and fun for the holidays.

The pack came with about a dozen or so mice and two "houses". It was only $5 and made by Martha Stewart. Totally cute and reusable for next year.