On Dying

I know I've touched briefly on it before, but I've never really talked too much about it since. What is it? My fear of dying. I am a Christian who attends church fairly regularly now, but the thought of dying still scares the shit out of me.

My mom and I were talking about this the other day, she said she couldn't wait to die because her life here has been filled with troubles and as a Christian, she knows being with God will be so much better. Her argument was that if you were a Christian, why wouldn't you want to be done with your Earthly life and get to Jesus?

And yet, as a Christian, the thought of the ending of my life FREAKS me out. I thought perhaps I was crazy, but as I was reading Katie's blog post The Great Beyond, I was practically screaming ME! TOO!   half way through her post.

I've brought this up to my therapist and my Pastor. It seems to freak me out when more when I'm in an emotional state, and my therapist said this is common. As my Pastor put it, none of us really knows what happens after you die. No one knows how we feel. No one can tell us exactly what it's like.

Like Katie, I feel so small in comparison to the rest of the country, the world, the universe, etc. I think about how billions of people have lived and died before me, and how billions of people will continue this life cycle long after I'm gone. Whether I believe in God or not, I want to know I did something good for this world before my spirit leaves it. I'm still not sure what it is, but hopefully I'll figure it out before I die!