You know the saying, 'people plan and God laughs'?
One of the biggest factors that made me decide to go to college, was the 4-5 years gap between the then current time and NYEBoy graduating with his PhD. I've pretty much known that treatments would not be an option until after graduation. And honestly, I've been accepting of that reality. At the time, K and A were living with us, life was busy, and that was okay.
Then K left.
Then A left.
Then I had a miscarriage.
And now, I'm left empty handed and broken-hearted.
I long for another pregnancy. For hope.
At the same time, I fear for another pregnancy. For loss.
What if I do get pregnant on my own again, but have another miscarriage, while I am in school? There is no way I could safely handle it, this last one, coupled with previous grief, nearly killed me. My spirit still seems dead to me.
And so, I tell myself to forge on with school. Health problems aside, stay focused. This is what you should be doing. This is what God wants you to do.
And then it hits me, what if, after graduation, when it's time for treatments, none of it works?
What if God laughs at these plans, too?
I need these treatments, the hope of being a mother, I need it all to work. I need to know this wasn't all for nothing. All of this waiting. All of this praying. This long, hard, tear-stained road.
And yet, I know, this perfect little family I picture us having in 5 or 10 years, it probably won't be the one He has in store for us.
I just wish I knew, for a fact, it was all going to be okay.
I just wish I knew, for a fact, I was going to be truly happy again some day.
9 comments:
You will be happy again. You will.
Life is rarely what we think it will be. Our futures are rarely what we think they will be.
5 years ago, I would never have pictured this. 10 years ago- 15 years ago, when we were first married, I would never have seen this at my life. Back then, I would have begged and pleaded for something else.
Today? This is my life, for good and bad, for the pain and the joy, for all it is, and I'm grateful. I still mourn and the ache is sometimes more than I think I can bear. My grandma calls them "footprint days", based on the poem. It's those days we are carried because we cant walk.
It is hard, and it feels so unfair. But dont give up. Please. No matter what.
Big hugs...
Yes, footprint days, because we need to be carried since we can't walk. Perfectly described.
Thank you so much for your kind words and sharing your grandmother's wisdom. xo
I'm praying with you and abiding with you through the tough times. I hope and pray your dreams of a family come true.
ICLW #8 Dragondreamer's Lair
Hi from ICLW. Hoping that God's plan is quite similar to you plan.
HAPPY ICLW. I pray that you find happiness. Never give up. I know that is easier said than done- but strength will see you through this!
I love this saying and it's gotten me through a lot:
"Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end."
I agree, you will be happy again. You're in the midst of the storm and one day that storm will be over, and your IF sisters will be here to celebrate with you.
ICLW #51
If we could know for sure that we would have success in the end, it would make getting there a lot easier. Don't give up, we are all fighting together.
HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It WILL all be okay. I don't know when, and I don't know what it will include, but God does have a plan. Sometimes I want to know what the hell that plan is because I think the current one really sucks, but then I remember that God ultimately is in control and has a plan. I love the quote that Ducky wrote. It is perfect. Hang in there.
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