You know the saying, 'people plan and God laughs'?
One of the biggest factors that made me decide to go to college, was the 4-5 years gap between the then current time and NYEBoy graduating with his PhD. I've pretty much known that treatments would not be an option until after graduation. And honestly, I've been accepting of that reality. At the time, K and A were living with us, life was busy, and that was okay.
Then K left.
Then A left.
Then I had a miscarriage.
And now, I'm left empty handed and broken-hearted.
I long for another pregnancy. For hope.
At the same time, I fear for another pregnancy. For loss.
What if I do get pregnant on my own again, but have another miscarriage, while I am in school? There is no way I could safely handle it, this last one, coupled with previous grief, nearly killed me. My spirit still seems dead to me.
And so, I tell myself to forge on with school. Health problems aside, stay focused. This is what you should be doing. This is what God wants you to do.
And then it hits me, what if, after graduation, when it's time for treatments, none of it works?
What if God laughs at these plans, too?
I need these treatments, the hope of being a mother, I need it all to work. I need to know this wasn't all for nothing. All of this waiting. All of this praying. This long, hard, tear-stained road.
And yet, I know, this perfect little family I picture us having in 5 or 10 years, it probably won't be the one He has in store for us.
I just wish I knew, for a fact, it was all going to be okay.
I just wish I knew, for a fact, I was going to be truly happy again some day.