False Alarm

My mom called me one day last week to tell me K may be heading to the doctor in labor. It ended up being a false alarm, but it quickly reminded me that the real phone call isn't too far behind. This leaves me full of anger.

I'm angry because she's getting to bring home a new baby she won't even take care of a year and a half after the custody case.

I'm angry because I have a friend who has been fighting on bed rest since she found out she was pregnant, after dealing with infertility, for her son who she desperately wants and deserves.

I'm angry because she gets to bring home a baby and mine got flushed down a toilet.

I'm so, so angry.

I'm brought back to the days, weeks, and months leading up to A's arrival. Things will be different this time. I won't be there, which is probably a good thing. Nothing has really changed in six years though, different baby and different baby daddy, but it's still the same no-good situation.

I hate this, I really do.

Bitter infertile aside, you're supposed to be happy and excited when a sibling has a baby. You're going to be an aunt! Everyone is going to be so happy!

But, we're not that family, it's not that dynamic.

Every time my phone rings and my mom's name shows up on the caller ID, my stomach drops. I'm not ready for the phone call.

Not yet.
Not today.
Not tomorrow.

Not ever.

How do you prepare for that?