A year and a half ago, I had to hand over a piece of my heart on that cold February day, on the side of the high way, and drive away.
Six months later, I flushed another piece of my heart down the toilet.
Each of these, on their own, is enough for one person to try to overcome. Both of these things, within six months of each other, is unimaginably painful.
A year and a half out from one, and a year out from the other, I am slowly starting to get used to my new normal, but grief is like a minefield. You can be walking around life, and then come across a trigger, and those raw, painfully gut-wrenching feelings come flooding back whether you're like or not.
After these waves of emotions pass, it's some times just as hard to allow yourself to feel okay again. It's not like you're at peace with it per say, but some times you have to surrender your lack of control to the situation. Otherwise, the grief can spiral out of control. It doesn't mean you care any less. It just is.
And I will never be sorry about that.
And I will never be sorry about that.
2 comments:
You have no reason to apologize for your grief and I'm glad you recognize that! So many people concentrate on how they "should" be feeling and don't truly allow themselves to just feel bad. I think giving yourself permission to grieve is one of the most important steps to healing!
I agree! Grief doesn't have a timeline nor does it follow any particular set of steps. I find that I struggle with allowing myself to grieve because I have so much to be thankful for, as well, but that doesn't take the sadness or feelings of tremendous loss away. I get pulled into the guilt on top of the grief, which just makes everything worse. None of us should ever have to apologize for where we are in the grieving process, and just because there are sometimes rainbows after the storm doesn't mean that the storm's residual effects don't still affect us. Infertility, loss, it all hurts and that pain has long term repercussions, which take an immense amount of strength to work through. (((Hugs))) Thinking of you as you face such painful anniversaries so close together.
Post a Comment