I've tried my best to keep my emotions in check this week, but things keep creeping in causing stress.
Offline, my cousin apparently had her reveal party last weekend and she's having a little girl. Then, my mom tells me K will find out the sex of her baby in about a week. And I, I.. I'm just really struggling with that. Two people who aren't even really in stable relationships in my family, that are younger than me, are having babies, and mine is dead. If I hadn't already, I would be giving birth soon. Next week marks eight months since my miscarriage. EIGHT MONTHS. It kills me. I know life isn't fair, but it really fucking sucks sometimes.
Online, I keep running into people announcing their pregnancies, and I've recently stumbled upon vloggers who are announcing their pregnancies or the sex of their babies etc. I'm happy for every family who struggles to conceive and finally gets to experience that joy and happiness, but for me it's a struggle with "Why not me?" Why wasn't I good enough? Why wasn't my body good enough?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad at anyone, just mad that I'm not there, either.
I've got to make a better effort at being aware of the triggers that are all around me. I've got to tell myself not to click and read more, not to click and watch that next video. I know it's hard to avoid all triggers, but I've got to try better at not getting further invested emotionally.
But, I'm also very aware that this is a difficult time right now. It's a normal reaction to think "I would have been giving birth" eight months after having a miscarriage. My feelings are normal and I'm not crazy.
Time won't heal me completely, but it will get easier as the months pass, as the anniversaries get further and further away.