I thought I was going to make it past these one year marks without a breakdown, but I was wrong. Today is apparently going to be the day. I woke up just feeling sad. On the way to church all I could think about was how a year ago, I was packing her things and fielding the constant phone calls from my father as he asked us if we had left yet.
I didn't want to leave. I wanted her to stay. I had a girlfriend ride with me so I wouldn't have to do the hand off on my own. And the day itself actually went off without any major breakdown on my part. Of course that we me being numb from everything.
During church, when the children were being sent downstairs for their little time, the congregation always sings a song. Of course it was Jesus Loves The Little Children, and I almost lost it. My eyes filled with tears and I tried so hard to keep them at bay.
During the time for prayer request, I stood up and requested extra prayers as today was going rougher than I had expected. I almost lost it right then. By the end of the service, however, the heaviness I had been feeling slowly felt like it was being lifted.
I ran a couple of errands after church, because obviously retail therapy works wonders, and this afternoon hasn't been too bad.
I miss her like crazy.
On a happier note, today also marks one year since I last spoke with my father. As soon as I got home, NYEBoy called and had his phone number blocked for me. We pay $5 a month to ATT to make sure I never have to hear from his piece of shit ass again.
1 comment:
I am sorry about A. We got custody of my husband's nephew in 2007 for 8 months. We were so blissfully happy because we had tried for 5 years to have a baby. I could get pregnant, but my body just wouldn't keep them. His stupid mother took parenting class and had a job for 6 months... so the courts gave him back to her. It almost destroyed our marriage. I was mad at him because it was his sister and she took our baby (I had raised him since he was 3). A year later we got a call... and this 8 year old little voice said, "Mama... can I come home? Pam (his real mother) in jail again!" I handed the phone to my husband and cried hysterically. I wanted to say yes... but I was so scared... after a few minutes I shook my head. My husband told him to come on, and his room was just the way he left it a year ago. :) We have had him for 5 years, and we also have custody of his little sister. We've had her for 4 years. I know exactly what you are going through. He acted out while he lived with other family members because he wanted to come with us. She was being a bitch and hated me (for marrying her brother) and refused to sign him over to us. She was homeless and the kids ate out of dumpsters, and slept in homeless shelters all over Indiana. How selfish can one person be???
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