The first few years of my infertility journey were probably the hardest, most gut wrenching feeling, month after month, negative test after negative test. We would have a bunch of sex, I would take my temp every morning, I would say a prayer and plea to whomever would listen, and yet, it never worked.
While we had A living with us, I wasn't nearly as focused on TTC and treatments. I knew the chances of us getting pregnant were not very likely and I knew we wouldn't be doing treatments until we graduate in 2014, so I didn't stress too much about it. Sure, a pregnancy announcement or a friend adopting would make my empty arms ache a little more, but I did pretty good to wrangle the emptiness feeling on a day-to-day basis.
And then A left.
And then I had a miscarriage.
And now I can't stop thinking about how empty our arms and lives are.
I went to a fertility conference/community talk this week. I mainly went because they were having a drawing for an IVF, but it was nice to listen to the doctors talk about their clinics stats. All I could think about was how were so close, yet so far, away from being able to start treatments. Two years away doesn't seem too bad when you've already been on this journey seven and a half years, but yet, today, it feels like a lifetime away.
I didn't win the IVF, but I did walk away with a $500 gift certificate towards a treatment. It expires in June. If this diet doesn't work before April, I'll give them a call to see about scheduling an IUI after this semester is over.
Try as I might, I can't ignore the sounds of the emptiness. Right now, it's deafening.