365 +1

Not only is today our anniversary (Happy Anniversary, love!!), today also wraps up my year of blogging. Every day I have sat down to write a post, even if I can't edit and post it until the next day or a day later. Oops.

I've written a blog post every day, and I even wrote two on the day of the final court hearing.

In case you've missed some, all, or none, I figured you might be interested in a review.

Janurary kicked off a new year and a new semester. Angst would probably be the word of the month as we were gearing up to the final court hearing the first week in Feburary. A and I also found a church we liked and began attending.

In Feburary, we were dealt a devestating blow when the new judge ruled A be sent back to her mother a week later. Heartbreaking doesn't even begin to describe our feelings as we had to hand her over on that cold highway.

When NYEBoy went on a business trip in March for a week, I realized I should probably seek professional help after not getting out of bed for nearly a week except to eat or go to the bathroom. I also turned 27.

Throughout April I continued going to my weekly therapy classes. And then my mom stopped talking to me randomly. This, of course, lead to me continuing my therapy appointments for yet another reason. I also wrapped up my second semester in college.

In May, I began my third semester in college, began my low-amylose diet, met Maria, and began searching for the perfect place to move at the end of the summer.

In June, I continued going to classes, eating healthy, agreed on a place to move, finally talked to my mom again after having to bail my brother out of jail, heard a sermon given by Jimmy C@rter, celebrated A's 5th birthday without her, and finally got some new contacts after wearing the same trial pair for three years.

In July I finished my third semester in college, moved, had a visit with my mom, brother and A, and I crossed the 7 years of dealing with infertility mark.

In August, we finished getting settled in, I went a whole month without seeing my therapist, started my fourth semester in college, and my brother moved in with us.

September hit us with our second biggest blow of the year with a miscarriage. After dealing with infertility for seven years we had a miscarriage before we even knew we were pregnant. And of course this lead to even more depression, all the while trying to balance school. I also began a womens life stories group that has really helped in a different way.

In October and Novemeber I spent the majority of the time battling depression from the miscarriage. I was also hit with bronchitis for three weeks in November. By the time Thanksgiving arrived, I was struggling with finding things to be thankful for after such a horrible year.

In December, I finished up my classes, visited A for a few days, and spent Christmas with my mom, brother, and NYEBoy.

If you would have read this post to me a year ago, I would have thought you were joking. This has been one of the worst, if not the worst year of my life. But some how, some way, I survived.

I am not going to miss 2011 at all. It's been one hell of a ride I hope to never have to experince again.

My Brother Ran Off With The Babysitter!

Sort of.

My brother left today to take my mom back home. She was supposed to stay a few more days, but I think she was anxious to get back home. I'm not sure what her deal was, but I'm glad she was here for a few days.

I told my mom to keep my brother for a few days because the last time we went out of town we got a phone call that he was going to kill himself. Ah, the joys of having an alcoholic brother who has a crazy ex that pops up out of no where.

Our anniversary is Saturday and although we normally go out of town for this occasion to stay in a hotel, we've decided to stay home this year and play puppysitter to the best dog ever since my brother will be gone and no one will be here to watch the pup if we leave.

I can't lie, as sad as I was to see my mom leave today, I was that much more excited about my brother being away for a few days! He's such a drag lately. (See, again: alcoholic brother)

I can't believe the year is almost over!

Ready To Go Back

It's funny, when school was in session I was counting down the days until winter vacation. And now? I'm so ready to start the new semester. I'm ready for a fresh start, for good grades.

My schedule is going to be a little crazier than normal, with me being at school two days a week for 13 hours each day. Heaven help me.

I know it will be a challenging semester with Chemistry, two math classes, and German 2, but today, I am ready for it. I'm ready to grab the bull by the horns and make this semester my bitch.

I'm ready to walk for the first time ever in May to accept my diploma. I didn't get to do that for high school, so I am looking forward to doing it ten years later as a community college graduate with my AA. I'll still have summer school to snag two classes up before heading to the University in the Fall, but I'm feeling a renewed sense of energy again. I guess it's the feeling of a new year upon us as well. Whatever it is, I like it.

I better enjoy these last few days off of school because I know I'll be crying for a week off in a few weeks!

Reminders In Prints

While I was driving the other night, I noticed my back window was COVERED in finger prints. I had to laugh. This will be my life one day. Finger prints to wipe off the windows.

And babies in the backseat sleeping, who grow up to be little girls in the backseat sleeping.

Now Is Not The Right Time

I've been struggling lately with my infertility. The holidays and post-A visit tend to awaken these emotions even more so than normal. I've made some mumbles and grumbles aloud, which apparently means people can tell you what they think. You know, that right now is not the time to worry about having kids. What?

Why is it that if someone in my family gets pregnant and they aren't even in a serious relationship, please get mad but then get all excited?

Why can't two people who actually fucking love each other be mad or sad about being infertile? Oh, because accidents are welcomed, but when you plan for things, it's never a good time.

This "logic" pisses me off.

We're going to be kick ass parents who can afford our children, so stop fucking telling us when a good time is, any way.

On a side note, talking about adoption and fertility treatments don't exactly mean we're going the become parents today or tomorrow, this shit doesn't exactly work like that.

Two-on-One Time With Mom

We all woke up after noon again today. Man, I love being a grown up sometimes! The plans for today included NYEBoy, my mom, and myself. We decided to go see the Titanic exhibit, grab lunch, and a movie. Mission Impossible? I don't think so!

We had a great time together. So much fun that we just sent the boys out to pick up Pictionary so we can play it as a family.

Love having my mom in town.

Merry, Merry Christmas

We were all up pretty late last night. I'm pretty sure that has nothing at all to do with driving all night and sleeping all day yesterday. Which probably explains why noone cracked an eye before noon.

After I washed and rubbed down the turkey and tossed that bad boy into the oven, we I decided it was time to open the presents Santa got us! NYEBoy got me a Kindle, earrings, a box of Godiva chocolate, and a yankee candle in a rose scent. Sounds sweet, huh? This man prides himself on not asking people what they want because he knows what people like. Except, this is the second year in a row he's got me the same pair of earrings I wear. Last year it was the diamond hoops, this year it was the studs. And Kindle? Ugh. I've always hated those things. I have the iPad app and that's good enough for me. But whateves. The candy and candle were rockin! No worries, I still love him. Heh.

My mom, brother, and NYEBoy loved their presents! Dinner was good, too.

We had plans to go see Mission Impossible tonight, but I was slapped with another migraine while we were playing a game tonight. Hopefully we'll get around to that tomorrow.

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. I know we did!

Back In Time For Christmas Eve

I spent the whole night driving. And then I promptly slept all day.

I ran to the store and picked up everything we need for Christmas dinner after I woke up. Except for ice, because apparently our ice maker is not making ice, but it is leaking water all over the kitchen floor. Perfect timing too, considering the maintence people are on vacation until Jan 3rd. Grumble, grumble.

All of the presents are wrapped and under the tree with the exception of the stockings. I'll put those out later.

I went to Christmas Eve service at church tonight, too. It was my first time ever going to church for a Christmas service. The message, music, and candle lighting was very peaceful.

I better go to bed soon. I hear Santa comes tonight. :-)

Time To Head Back

Today was my last day in town. We're leaving to head back home tonight after my mom gets off work.

I spent some time with my grandma and aunt this morning before I ran to grab lunch with a girlfriend I hadn't seen in a few years. She was happy to see A too since she was only a year or two old last time she saw her, too. I also had to pick up NYEBoy's Christmas present. I hope he likes it! (Surround sound, FTW!)

My mom gets off in a little bit, so I need to finish packing everything at my grandmas. I also get to see K for the first time since Feb. This should be interesting or totally awkward. More of the later, I'm sure.

I'm totally not looking forward to driving for twelve hours tonight, by the way.

All Smiles

Today was another day full of running around.

First up was our photo shoot that was supposed to start at 10:30. It was closer to one by the time we got out of there for lunch.

Here's one of the 12 poses we ended up getting.



I can't wait to get them in frames and put them up. I love having pictures of this sweet girl.

While we waiting on our pictures to print, we headed over to Build A Bear. I went in telling A she could only have one bear, but some how we walked out with 6! Alvin, Brittany, and the four minis to round out the crew.

After we picked up our pictures, we headed to the south side of town to eat at Uncle Lou's. My girlfriend and I had seen it on Food Network so we had to stop while we were both here.



We ordered so much food we couldn't eat it all, but it was SO good! I'm still drooling.

We ended up running a few more errands before heading back to my Grandma's. I'm leaving tomorrow night and I can't believe it's almost over. I'm going to miss this sweet girl, but so glad K gave me this time with her. I really appreciate it.

Going, and Going, and Going

Today was another day full of going and going and going.

I was rudely awaken by my aunt/grandmas crazy ass dog jumping on me, which I am pretty sure caused a migraine. Around lunch time I finally made it out of the bed without feeling like I was going to die.

We drove to the other side of the city and picked up my friends two kids. We planned a trip to lunch, the zoo, the mall, and the movies. It was so much fun!

I also go pics of A with Santa, but I can't find the one to upload, so I'll tag that back in later.

After the trip to the mall, we decided to head over to my girlfriends house and spend the night with the kids. We have a photoshoot scheduled for tomorrow and it's closer to here than it is to my grandmas.

On a side note, am I the only one who has trouble sleeping without their spouse? I miss NYEBoy!!

We Have Arrived!!

After driving all night, we arrived in town around 7 this morning.



Before heading out to my Grandma's to pick up A, we dropped off four bags of presents at my mother's house and say good morning to her. We picked up a bag of breakfast foods on the way to my grandma's, which we never did get around to eating much of.

About an hour or so later, I gave A a bath and we headed over to my old doctors office to see everyone. It was a pretty eventful trip considering on the way out we had to hide A's face because a patient had passed out in the doorway. He was dead. So sad for his poor family so close to Christmas!

After that visit, we went to lunch at Steak Escape. Ugh, I wish we had one here.



We went to see Chipwrecked after lunch. I'm not sure how the movie was, because I had been up all night and decided to take this opportunity to take a snooze. After the movie we went to my girlfriends house to see her and her kids.

And because I pretty much only go to Memph!s to see A and for the food, we stopped by Abbays for dinner on the way back to my Grandmas.

We've been blowing and going all day long. I can not wait to pass out!

We're On Our Way!

On my way to Womens Life group tonight, I called my mom to talk to her. I was pretty much packed and ready to go on our trip to Memph!s after our meeting. Except, apparently K wasn't. I was told I would not be able to take A anywhere and I could only come see her at the house with either K or her thug-boyfriend supervising.

Yeah, that didn't go over so well. I told my mom she had two hours to convince K to let me spend time with A or I was going to call the courts first thing in the morning. K is in violation of the courts order and I haven't done anything about it just yet because I am trying to be nice. She's breaking three of the conditions of A being back with her, so I am sure the courts would love to hear this.

I've been looking forwards for weeks to getting to spend time with A this week. It's been a hell of a year and I really needed this little pick me up.

After I got out of our group meeting, I called and spoke with my mom who told me to speak to K. We talked for about 30 minutes. She was going on and on about how I didn't understand how trying to take her kid away from her hurt her and all of this shit. Pretty much saying it was all my fault and she was totally not an unfit parent. Whatever.

Long story short, we talked and she agreed to let me come get her for a few days and spend time with her. So, my girlfriend and I are on our way to Memph!s! We have about a ten hour drive ahead of us and I can't wait to see her sweet face!!

Lunch With A Friend

I haven't seen kristencmcd in forever. Finally with a few days off from school, before I head out of town, we finally scheduled a lunch date.

We went to Crispers. Oh my goodness, that Asian salad is to-die-for. I may or may not be going back very soon for a whole salad instead of a half. Heh.

It's funny, even though I hadn't talked to her in forever, we picked up like we hadn't stopped. I love that about girlfriends. Hopefully I won't be such a shut in over the next year and we'll be able to hang out more often. Plus, she as a little bun in the oven and I am totally excited for her.

I'm So Sorry

After dinner, we walked outside. Flashing red and blue lights lit up the parking lot. "Wow, what's going on?" NYEBoy asked. "I think someone got pulled over." I replied.

As we walked to our car, we realized there had been an accident. The officer was writing her report and questioning the witnesses. In between the flashing lights, I saw her. My heart stopped.

"Look! I think that's the officer that helped us that night." I whispered to NYEBoy. He said he couldn't tell. I didn't want to leave. I had to say something. We were stuck in the parking lot at that point because the wrecker had pulled up to tow away the damaged car.

A few minutes later, the officer walked over to her car.

"Excuse me officer" I said to her.

"Hey, I know you!" she replied.

Indeed, she did. We spoke for a few minutes and I gave her the run down of what happened after that night.

She gave me a hug and told me she was so sorry. You could tell by the look in her eyes she really meant it.

After I left, my body filled up with emotion and I wanted to cry. It felt like I was back at that night fighting to find A. Those officers were amazing that helped us. From the ones that found A at the bus station, to the ones who stayed in our house and told us that every available officer was looking for them. I can't begin to explain how helpless you feel when a child you love is missing.

Favorite Secrets Friday 2

Here are my five favorite secrets this week from the Post Secret app.

See: Week 1

Round M&M's?

Every Christmas, I have to get a bag of mint m&ms.

I had to laugh when I got to the end of the bag and saw a round m&m. I swear it totally tasted different. Ha.



Have you ever seen a round m&m?

[Sidenote: I have one more final tomorrow that I am studying for today. It's in History. I fully inteend on making that exam my bitch. :-) ]

Angel of Healing

I got this in the mail today. It's the angel of healing.



Whoever sent it to me, thank you. It came at a perfect time. I was having a downer moment and the mail arrived. She's on my desk reminding me to heal. Thank you, again. I love it.

For An Angel

I normally don't do the whole angel tree thing. It's not because I don't want to help someone, but after hearing an old coworker tell me she signs her kids up so she didn't have to buy presents, I stopped doing them. And this year I heard someone who just got back from a trip to Africa to marry some man a few weeks ago say she signed her kids up because she couldn't afford gifts. Say what? Priorities, people!

Well, this year at church I decided to help a little four year old on the tree since I didn't have A to buy a lot for. The limit was $20-25, but I went a bit overboard. Whoops!



I hope this little one has a wonderful Christmas.

100%

I aced my Germ@n final today. This totally made me feel good!

Now, I only have to worry about one final, US History, on Friday.

I still can't help but feel bad about my two math classes though, even if it is the right decision.

Hopefully next semester I'll avoid the whole "lets have a miscarriage the second week of classes" thing.

Retaking Two

After much discussion, crying, and thinking, I have decided to retake both of my math classes. Although I know I can pass them with a C, I worry it will kill my GPA and I'll be heading into Calculus with a rocky foundation. Therefore it's been in my best interest to retake them in the Spring. No big deal, but it totally makes me feel like a failure.

Oh the flip side, I only have two finals to focus on and make my bitch this week.

Wish me luck.

Struggling

This week has been hard. The other night, I literally laid in bed wondering how my death would affect other people.

NYEBoy. He's still young. He could totally find someone who loves him without all of my baggage. He would have a spouse who wasn't so sad and whose family wasn't full of such drama.

My brother and sister wouldn't really care. Neither would my dad.

There was only a few people I think who would be actually sad if I wasn't here, but even in that moment, it was hard to think they even mattered.

It's not that I would do anything, but in those moments of hopelessness, pain, and grief, I just wanted it all to go away. I want the heartbreak to go away. I don't care where it goes, I'm just tired of carrying this burden. I'm exhausted, physically, emotionally, mentally.

I know it will get better. With time, the pain isn't nearly as sharp. The waves come less frequently.

It's been three months and I miss Baby M every day.

Favorite Secrets Friday 1

I'm secretly addicted to the Post Secret app. Well, I guess it's not really a secret any more. Anyways, I've decided to share my favorite five every Friday.

Michelle Miscarries

When I heard Michelle Duggar had a miscarriage, my first response was as as a bitter infertile. But it only took a second later for me to respond as a bitter infertile who had a miscarriage three months ago.

When they announced that they were expecting #20 last month, I literally wanted to throw up in my mouth. I struggle with thinking that Michelle Duggar has to be such a baby making machine for her (to me) brainwashing husband. Why can't they just be happy with the 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19 children they have without wanting to expand their legs broad every fucking year and a half? It's gross.

Having said that, the other half of me, the one who is still suffering with the grief of her miscarriage from three months ago, wants me to give her a hug. Her miscarriage was a second trimester miscarriage and I just can't imagine how different that was for her than her first miscarriage 20-something years ago. My heart aches for her.

My prayers are for them to heal from this devastating loss. Whether it's #1 or #20, a loss is a loss is a loss and it fucking sucks. I can't help but pray that they use a little bit more caution because she's not a spring chicken. Her last two pregnancies have ended with a premature baby and a second-trimester miscarriage. God forbid something happen to Michelle. Her 19 children and 2 grandbabies need her more than a tv show that has to change its name every 18 months because they can't stop counting.

As a side note, its good to see some websites and tv shows mentioning how to comfort someone you know who has had a miscarriage. I can tell you what NOT to say just from my own experience.

Gute Arbeit, Klasse!

A few weeks ago, our Germ@n class watched the language cartoon M|_|zzy. If I'm not mistaken, it's one film, but they have it in several different languages. It's really cute.

Anyways, one of the favorite parts of the movie with the class was the clock scene where Norbert says "Good Morning", "Good Day", and "Good Night". It's really cute.

Here's the YouTube clip:



Well, we have our Germ@n potluck party tomorrow. I knew as soon as they said potluck that I wanted to make a cake with Norbert and the clock. I just wasn't sure how I was going to do it.

After several hours of trying, I finally came up with this:



Isn't that so cute??? I ended up melting chocolate and using a ziploc bag to do the design on wax paper and then I transferred it to the cake. A royal pain in the ass, but omg it's totally bad ass. :-)

I hope the class likes it tomorrow!!

Last Week of Classes (Fall '11)

This is the last week of classes before finals begin next week. I'm filled with anxiety and the depression keeps slipping in. Some moments I am consumed with grief of Baby M and A, and others I am consumed with anxiety about passing my classes.

I struggle with the point of it all. I want my degree, but I also want my baby(ies). The waiting is hard. The being optimistic is hard. The being hopeful is hard. The struggle is hard.

It's all hard. Some days are better than others, but holy shit the holidays are fucking with me big time this year.

Two more weeks and then I can be as sad as I want without having to worry about it messing up a class.

McLovin or McHatin The McRib?

A few weeks ago, the McRib "came back". From where? Who knows. Anyways, I have never had a McRib before, until I suddenly decided I really should try it. Before I tried it, I've heard two things from people who talk about it: they McLove it or they McHate it.



So, this is it, huh?

And now I'm scared.

I take a bite.

Then, I chew.

And then, I spit it out.

Gross.

Sorry McDonalds, I'm not McLovin' it. But, my brother did! He promptly ate it because "it is a waste to throw away a perfectly good sandwich!" Duh.

What about you? Have you ever had a McRib? Do you McLove or McHate it?

Why Ask For Help?

What's the point of asking for help?

If I ask for help, are you going to bring A back?

If I ask for help, are you going to make me pregnant or give me my baby back?

If I ask for help, are you going to lose weight for me?

If I ask for help, am I suddenly going to feel the way I do before I look into the mirror or at my shadow?

If I ask for help, are you going to take my finals for me so I don't have to think?

What's the point of asking for help? There's nothing anyone else can do. Not one damn thing. No one can bring A back. No one can make me pregnant or give me my baby back. No one can make me feel the way I do before I look in the mirror.

I can't find time to go see the therapist at school because I am too busy with my classes and barely have a break for lunch, much less to go have her tell me I am feeling exactly the way I should be.

Of course I am feeling this way. It's the end of the semester. It's been almost 9 months from when I had to hand A over on that cold highway. It's been almost three months since the miscarriage. It's been a year since the family fall out.

So, what's the point? No one can do anything.

The pain is mine. I can't give it away. I cry hoping the tears take the pain out of my body, but it doesn't. It's still there.

I don't know what to do. I just don't know...

So Sore Saturday

Today I woke up early at our my church's yearly holiday bazaar. It was fun, but I should have left around noon because I didn't end up getting anything done once I got home. I was exhausted by the time I got back home. My whole body hurt. I ended up taking a two hour nap before my girlfriend rang my cellphone telling me she had been chilling in the living room for an hour. See? A good girlfriend knows when you need a nap and lets you keep sleeping. Heh.

We ended up going bowling after dinner tonight. It was fun, but my body was killing me. I'm hurting so bad I don't think I'll even sleep very well tonight. My muscles keep spazzing.

I hope you're all having a wonderful weekend.

A Hard Decision

Tonight I had to sit down with NYEBoy and make one of the hardest decisions about school thus far.

Because I feel like I don't have enough time to fully understand my Precal class and I will barely be passing it, I've decided to bomb the final so I can retake the class in the spring.

It won't push me further away from graduating or anything, but it sucked hard to make that decision. But, it's the right one. I am a Math major and I need to get a solid foundation in these math classes to be a good teacher one day.

Now, I just have to go sit with my professor Monday and tell him this. That might just be harder than having the talk with NYEBoy or blogging about it. I feel like I've failed him as a student. I really hope I am able to take him again in the Spring though, because he's an awesome professor.

Just because it's the right thing to do, doesn't make it an easy decision.

Final 31

I'm in my final 31 days of blogging every day for a year. (Plus twice the day of the court hearing!) Crazy.

I'm setting a goal this month to ride my bike 200 miles. Since I'm going out of town for a few days towards the end of the month, I should be able to do it if I do at least 10 a day that I am in town.

We only have one more week of classes before finals. That's a little scary.

I can't lie, I'm ready to get the rest of this year over with. :-)