No Christmas Card

This will be the first year in several, that I won't be mailing out Christmas cards.

There will be no Seasons Greetings from NYEBoy, InDueTime, and A.

Or Happy Holidays from NYEBoy, InDueTime, and Baby M.

There is no getting A bathed, dressed, and snapping hundreds of pictures.

No deciding on which photo, or photos, if we're lucky, to choose from.

There is no ultrasound picture of Baby M.

There is a broken heart.

There are empty arms.

There was a loss of a child.

Of two children, actually.

There is no catchy greeting to come up with.

I guess I could always send out New Years cards.

I could put the words "We started off this year losing A and then we rounded out the year with a miscarriage! Next year can't suck nearly as much as this year did! Happy New Year!!" over a picture of my empty arms.

LOST It

Yesterday, I stayed home from school because I needed some alone time. My brother was out of town and NYEBoy was at work. I only had about 4 hours to myself, but I needed it. I worked on my Christmas lights and cleaned the house.

Despite the time to myself, I still couldn't kick the depressed feeling weighing heavy on my chest. I've pretty much been on the verge of crying at any point since last week. At first, I thought I might be hormonal because I was pregnant or PMSing, but I took a test and it was negative and I haven't seen my period since the miscarriage in September, so I am pretty sure I have a bit of depression creeping in.

Last night, I laid in bed, but my back ached and my chest was heavy. Suddenly, I just lost it. I scared NYEBoy so bad he asked if I needed to go to the hospital. I just sat there and cried. And cried. And cried. And cried. And cried.

And then I went to sleep.

Today, I went to my German class and my teacher asked how I was doing. I said not good, then we spent the next thirty minutes talking about religion and politics. Over all, today has been much better than the last week.

Grief smacks the shit out of you when you least expect it, sometimes it nearly drowns me, but when the water recedes, the sun comes back out. I just wish I didn't feel so alone when it happens.

I See You

I see you from my car as I drive down the street, you, your husband, and your two kids playing in the yard.

I see you in the frozen food section of the grocery store, your toddler in the seat of the cart and your preschooler by your side, you give your son the biggest kiss as he squeals.

I see you in the waiting room at the doctors office, with your daughter, as the front desk receptionist asks how you've both been doing lately.

I see you and see my future. My heart aches. Sometimes, I see you with a smile and hope, but sometimes I see you with heartache and it's all I can do not to run the other way.

Seven years, five months, four weeks, and two days.

What I wouldn't give to see myself in motherhood.

Taking A Hint

Have you ever heard the joke where the man is drowning in the ocean and cries for God to save him? While he pleas for God to help, he turns away three rescue boats, and ends up dying? Then, he gets to heaven and asks why God didn't help him and God replies, "I sent you three boats!"

Well, I just had one of those moments.

I'm still not in a very good mood. I was up most of the night and even took a bath and shower at three am to see if it would help make me feel better, but it didn't work. I did eventually fall asleep somewhere around five, but I had to be up a few hours later for church because I had agreed to do a reading for the first Advent Sunday.

Anyways, all day today I couldn't kick the 'tude. I tried to go lay down a little bit ago. I grabbed my iPad in hopes of submursing myself into an episode or two of One Tree Hill before I fell asleep and woke up a few hours later to try studying before school.

But, Netflix wasn't loading on the iPad. I fiddled with it for about forty-five minutes and then I realized I could work on some things and have it playing on my computer.

And, then, cue me drowning.

The episode that was up next was apparently the episode where Peyton and Lucas have a miscarriage. And my heart stopped. And I wanted to puke.

Sigh.

I should have taken the cues. Netflix isn't working--Go to bed or go study, but don't watch the next episode tonight.

I need to get better at taking a hint.

Le sigh.

It's UP, But I'm Not

I finished decorating the Christmas tree while we watched the Gat0rs and F$U play. (We WON!!!! Go N0les!) Despite the win and my tree all being up, I still can't get in a good mood. I'm going to try to get some sleep tonight because I need to wake up early and get a shower for church in the morning. Hopefully tomorrow is better.

Isn't she pretty? Speaking of pretty, if you have any fun Christmas craft ideas, feel free to share them with me!

The Holiday Spirit

I should have spent the day studying, but I'm still in a horrible funk so I pulled out the Christmas boxes and started working on my Christmas tree hoping it would force me into a better mood. On the flip side, it could push me further to the edge. We'll see, I guess.

NYEBoy's friend's girlfriend was in town for the holiday weekend and they came over tonight. She moved a few hours away for a teaching job a few months ago and I miss having her around. Both of our boys are in the computer field so she totally understands the spouse side of this relationship. Ha.

I hope I can finish getting a few more decorations up tomorrow and then I'll get back to tackling my to-do list. I hate grief. I want to get back into a good mood.

I Am Thankful

I'm not going to lie, I've been struggling like hell this week. There's no denying it. My heartaches and I cried Tuesday night the worst I have in awhile. I leaned over the kitchen counter eating some food with NYEBoy watching me while I bawled. The tears just wouldn't stop. And then NYEBoy came to bed with me and I crashed.

I'm struggling with trying to find things to be thankful for this year when all I can think about are the things that I don't have.

But, I do have some things to be thankful for.

I am first of all thankful to the most wonderful man a girl could ever dream of. As much as we fuss at each other, I know without a doubt, he loves me with all of his heart.

I'm also thankful for my friends, you know who you are. Thank you for being there for me during this difficult year.

I'm thankful to be as far with school as I am. I guess that means I am thankful for myself, as I am the one who got me here.

I'm thankful for this blog and those who read it, supporting me along the way.

I'm also thankful for my currently stable health.

I hope next year I have more to be thankful for.

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving with many things to be thankful for.

Cooking It Up

I've made several trips to the grocery stores with the boys and our menu is planned out.

Turkey (roasted) & Ham (Honeybaked)
Dressing
Sweet Potato Casserole
Green beans
Mashed Potatoes & Gravy
Corn
Mac & Cheese
Cranberry Sauce

and for dessert we have pecan pie, a cheesecake sampler, rice krispie treats, and a fruit tray.

And yes, it's just going to be the three of us. Ha.

Crossing Things Off

As each day passes, there is one less thing on my to-do list.

15 Trig Assignments Online
2 1 Trig Tests
1 Trig Final

1-10 page History Paper
1 History Quiz
1 History Final

30 5 Pages of German Translations
2 1 German Tests
2 German Presentations
1-3 page German Paper
1 German Final

15 Precal Assignments Online
1 Precal Test
1 Precal Final


...and hopefully, by Monday, there will be even less to-do.

Pretending It Didn't Happen

Before our womens group begins, we go around and share how we are doing. This is the first time I haven't had bad news, but it's also only been a week since our last meeting. I'll be more amazed if I can share two visits in a row that I have no bad news.

As I mentioned, yesterday was adoption celebration at church. One of the ladies mentioned how blessed and wonderful she felt, both as an adoptee and an adoptive parent. I just smiled. It wasn't as celebratory for me, and yes, she did have a lot to be celebratory for. But then, another adoptive mother, whom I'm becoming increasingly closer with, mentioned that she was dealing with the opposite reaction. Her three boys are I believe 4-8 years old, and the eldest is struggling a bit, as to be expected with someone who has dealt with so much in just his short years on this Earth. My heart nodded more in her direction as I agreed silently in my head.

After our group, we were standing and talking and I shared with her that yesterday was hard for me too. She asked how I was doing and said she was talking with someone and they weren't sure whether or not to say anything about A because on one hand they didn't want to upset me but on the other, they didn't want to pretend the whole situation didn't exist, either.

I immediately said "say something!" I HATE when people pretend this whole year didn't happen. Pretending it didn't happen doesn't make it go away. Ask me if I've talked to her. If I have, I'll tell you, and if I haven't I'll tell you that, too. I wrestle with the ups and downs whether or not someone speaks to me about it any way. Asking me about her or asking how I am doing, is okay.

It's not that I am wallowing in grief, but this is my first holiday season since the court hearing, and I am not sure if I am going to get to see A for Christmas, so it IS sad for me. This will be my first Thanksgiving I have missed since her first Thanksgiving. (I was out of town visiting my ex's family.)

Pretending it didn't happen doesn't make the heartache go away. Acknowledging the situation makes me thankful you care.

Wasted A Day

It's just been one of those days.

On the way to church, I remembered today's service was going to be centered around celebrating adoptions. I wasn't sure how I was going to handle it. I thought about turning around, but then I felt too guilty. I was already up and on my way, and so I forged on.

My heart cringed as they talked about those non-traditional families, whether it was adoptions through an agency, a friend, or a family member who took you in. And my heart ached for A and how much I missed her.

By the time I got home, I had no interest in studying, so I curled in the bed with my iPad and watched episodes of One Tree Hill on netflix. I set my alarm for 6, to remind me to get dressed so that I could go help at the homeless shelter. And I did.

But, as soon as I came home, I was back in the bed, curled up with the iPad, streaming more episodes of One Tree Hill.

I know I am going to school because it's the best thing for me, logically I realize that, but my heart aches to be a mother. I try so hard not to think about it, but I would be a third of the way through my pregnancy if it would have stuck around. But it didn't. And I'm not.

I'm going to try not to beat myself up too much about wasting a day in bed. My heart needed it. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day.

Beary Cute

This sweet girl is slowly getting better.

She's not barking or wagging her tail yet, but I'm hopeful that in a couple of weeks she'll be even better.

She was put on a diet by the doctor after gaining over a pound in a week. The doctor said she could likely have brain damage that is preventing her from knowing when to stop eating, so we're monitoring her in-take. She's lost at least a half a pound.

This is her favorite spot. On top of the couch, looking out the window. She reminds me of a cat. Lol

Her next appointment is on December 1st.

Planning It

I got my Erin Condren planner today, it is so cute, but the photo is a little off. I've emailed with hopes of a resolution. Hope there is a way to fix it. I've got two more on the way for presents, but I'm sure they will be fine because they are her designs, not photos. It has A's picture on it. Ah, love that little cutie.

My plans for this weekend include me sleeping tonight and studying all weekend. It's making you jealous, isn't it?

I'm looking forward to this semester ending. I'm ready for a break that doesn't include a doctors note. Also looking forward to going to the university in the Fall. I can't believe how close I am!

Herman Cain Says WHUT?

I'm busy cramming for tests right now, but I can't stop rolling my eyes at Herman Cain. Every time I turn around, this man says something that makes me laugh so hard I have to pull out my inhaler.

You go have a laugh while I finish studying.

The Countdown Is On

30 more days until classes are over
25 more days until finals begin
17 more days of classes
and a shit ton of assignments that can be broken down into the following...

15 Trig Assignments Online
2 Trig Tests
1 Trig Final

1-10 page History Paper
1 History Quiz
1 History Final

20 Pages of German Translations
2 German Tests
2 German Presentations
1-3 page German Paper
1 German Final

15 Precal Assignments Online
1 Precal Test
1 Precal Final


...and then I can exhale and tell 2011 to fuck off.

It will give me great pleasure to mark each of those items off my to-do list. And if I still like school when I get done with this semester it will be a miracle. For the most part, I thank God my professors have been nice enough with extending tests and due dates.

I'm going to pretend I don't know that it all starts over again in 48 days, though.

It's Just... So Wrong!

At first glance, you might think it was a balmy 23 degrees on this lovely Saturday night.



And then you realize it's actually Tuesday at 1:30 pm and it's not 23 degrees outside because you're standing there sweating.



I see five things wrong with this picture off the top of my head.

Women Are...

wonderful.
strong.
amazing.
incredible.
resilient.
kind.
loving.

If it weren't for blogs and my women's group at church, I'm not sure I would have learned this about women-- about myself.

Every week that I go to the womens group and listen to their stories, I hear the good things about women, instead of what I grew up learning from my family. Women should be there to support one another, not tear each other apart.

I couldn't be more proud of being a woman right now.

Cutting Costs While Cooling Down (or Heating Up!)

The first two months of living here, our utilities were out of the roof. We knew they would be more because it's a bigger place, but we weren't expecting twice our-highest-ever from the old place, two months in a row.

I went out and bought Eclipse Energy-Efficient curtains for the big windows in our living room (from Walmart) and window tint for our odd-shaped windows. Our bill shrank by about 45% just in this first month since having them.

Since our living room is so open with the loft on the upstairs opposite side, I realize our heating bill is going to probably get a little high too, so I invested in a heater. I ended up going with this one because it was on sale on QVC two weeks ago. The boys think it's the most ugliest thing ever, but I think it's kind of cool.



Hopefully out winter utility bills won't be insane. I'd like to be able to not have to move next summer, but paying $2k in rent and utilities alone isn't exactly what we had in mind when we said "Let's move!" either.

[For those wondering, Bear is doing a little bit better. Still having a few slight issues, but she's back to jumping on the couch and going up and down the stairs with little to no help. We have a follow up appointment tomorrow afternoon, so I should get an idea from the vet what they think her outcome looks, but IMHO, she looks like shes going to pull through this hurdle. And I doing pretty good, too. Today I didn't use my inhaler after the first wake up, but I also didn't go anywhere, and that's when I tend to get out of breath. Tomorrow will be the real test when I'm back swinging between each side of campus. Thanks for your prayers for both of us. I'll keep you updated!]

Dare I Say It, Better?

I'm not sure if I should say it, but I am feeling, better? Not back to normal, but I can finally feel all of these pills kicking in and kicking this sickness to the curb--where it belongs! I have had to use my inhaler a few times today, but hopeful I'm almost done with this crap.

I've been studying most of the day, trying to get things off of my to-do list. I can't believe classes end in just a month and a few days. Holy crap. Lots to do, so little time. Luckily, I've heard a few good news bits from a few professors, so I am hopeful I will survive this semester without too many scars. I hope at least!

Bear is still walking a little funny and her belly is swollen, and she did have a few seizures yesterday, but I stopped by the vet to pick up some stool softener for her and it totally worked. She crapped in the bathroom and my bro was so mad. (He doesn't know I talked to the vet and gave her some meds!) But, I'm dying for her to get better and I'm hopeful she will. We've got a follow up appointment Monday after class.

Not a whole lot going on this weekend. Just trying to play catch up. I hope you're all doing well.

11/11/11

I woke up too late to make a wish at 11:11 am. Hopefully I'll catch it tonight at 11:11 pm. Apparently everyone else is doing it.

I've been in a bad mood all day.

I'm sure still being sick is not exactly adding nicely to the mix.

But then I remember yesterday marks 2 months since the bleeding kicked off the miscarriage.

And today marks 10 years since a high school friend died in a car wreck.

And today Maddie would have been four.

And Bear is still not doing as well as I wish she was and my brother won't let us take her back to the vet because of the amount we've already paid.

And last night I heard about Sam.

It's all just tugging at my heart strings today.

Many thanks to our Veterans and their families today.

And She's Out Again

Last night after I went to bed, NYEBoy finally got off his business call and came in the bed room and I lost it.

And then I couldn't catch my breath.

Because I have bronchitis and my body hates me.

I spent a little bit over two hours trying to catch my breath, unable to go to sleep or get it to go back to normal. And after the urging of Twitter, I decided to head back into the ER to get something to help relax my lungs/coughing.

The PA treated me a bit weird and acted like she didn't know what she could do but the doctor came in and gave me a script for an inhaler and some pills to help with the coughing because they thought that was the main problem. $65 in prescriptions, $4 happy meal later, I crawled into bed, ate, took my meds, and passed out.

The inhaler has helped a lot today but it's annoying to have to use this crap.

Luckily, I only had one class today so I am not missing too much and we're off tomorrow, so hopefully by next Monday I'll be a lot better. (RIGHT?)

Finally Back

I finally made it back to school today. It was exhausting. The coughing was insane. My Germ@n professor even wrote how to say "coughing, she's sick, etc" in Germ@n while I was out in the hallway having a cough attack. Ah, how lovely.

Bear is still acting a little weird, but appears to be getting a bit stronger.

My brother got drunk tonight and spent over an hour going off on me. It's such a weird feeling listening to someone degrade you. I know he's not right, I know it's his addiction talking, but I still can't help but want to punch him in the fucking face. Just because you have an addiction doesn't give you the right to put someone down.

Sometimes I feel so alone.

And now, I'm going to go to bed early because I don't feel well and NYEBoy is on business call.

Such is my life. (Apparently.)

Surprise!

Look who came home this evening....



She's very weak, but doing much better. She still twitches, but it's getting better.

I've already spoon-fed her some wet chicken dog food. She ate quite a few spoonfuls. (One of A's spoons.) She also drank several medicine dropper-fulls of water.

Hoping and praying she keeps getting stronger and better. We miss our sweet fun-loving girl.

On another note, the doctor is going to wait to do anything about my liver. Right now, I'll just go back every two weeks for monitoring. If it starts getting worse, we'll do something, but as long as it stays steady or begins to drop, I'll be alright.

Thanks for your prayers for both of us! I'm still coughing a lot with the bronchitis and the first few hours are the worst, but hopefully in a few more days I'll be on the mend.

I'm Drowning

I'm drowning.

I can't keep up- physically, mentally, emotionally, or otherwise.

I'm exhausted.

I need sleep. More than eight hours, more like eight days.

My coughing up blood is apparently Bronchitis.

Within the next week I have two papers due, one has to be ten pages and the other three. I also have three or four tests and 15 pages or so of language translations.

On top of that, I'm worried about Bear. She's no better, no worse. Doctors are drawing blood today to test for something that would mean we need to put her down and they are checking her kidney and liver function to see if theres a sign of a toxin. She'll be there for at least one more day. We're going up there in a little bit so my brother can see her. Have I mentioned we've spent $500 so far? Totally worth it if she's going to be alright. Keep her in your prayers still, please.

I'm still waiting for my phone call from my doctor about my visit to the specialist. I can't handle any more bad news.


----------------------------------
Update @ 5 pm:

My doctor called. I have an appointment tomorrow. Wish me luck!

We saw Bear today. She's alert, but still kind of out of it. Her twitching is still going on, but its only on one side of her snout instead of both. My brother said there is no change, but I see a slight change from yesterday. We'll know more over night.

--------------

Update @ 9 pm:

I called to check on Bear again and the nurse said she thinks the twitching is slowing down!! I'm really hoping and praying this means she'll be even better in the morning. Keep praying! We miss our sweet baby!

Prayers For Bear

Remember when I said last night I wasn't sure if I was going to spend the extra hour sleeping or studying, well apparently life had other plans. I was awaken this morning at 4 am by my brother. His dog, Bear, was shaking and spitting everywhere.

I held her and googled for about two hours while we debated what to do with her, when we finally decided to just take her into the emergency vet. (Why do pets get sick during emergency hours? And on top of that, it was Daylights Savings time?? Gah!)

They aren't exactly sure what is wrong with her. It could be an infection or she could have got ahold of some type of toxin. We should know by tomorrow morning if she's getting any better with the IV fluids, otherwise it could be bad news.

I'm not much of an animal person, but this is my bros dog and she's got me wrapped around her little fingers. (Don't tell anyone I just admitted that outloud!)

Please send her some good vibes and prayers. I'll keep you updated on Twitter as I won't be home until late tomorrow night.

Sick, Studying, & Sleep

I'm still sick as a dog. I had planned on going to church to help with some things this weekend, but I'm still really congested so I think it's best for me to not spread any more germs. Hopefully by Monday I'll be feeling less icky because we have our womens group again.

Friday I had my History test and I felt SO good about it. With the exception of one little part, I knew everything else. I have a Trig test on Monday that I've got to buckle down for. I hope I'm able to do well. Tuesday is the last day to drop classes and I'm praying I can make it through this semester without having to drop a class. It's such a source of stress for me. This semester has been insane.

Speaking of being sick and studying a lot, I've got to go get some shut eye! It's Daylight Savings Time so don't forget to set your clock back an hour! I haven't decided if this means an extra hour of sleep or an extra hour to study. Ha.

Twitter Suggests WHO?

I have been meaning to blog for two days about something I recently did for the first time, but I'm too tired to type/crop/edit everything tonight, so you're stuck with something a little less interesting.

I've always thought the Twitter suggestions of who to follow were pretty much a joke. Half of the time it's someone I don't like or someone who has nothing to do with anything I like.

Case in point:




Um, WHAT?

Neil Diamond?

Why? I barely know he's a singer and I surely don't know any of his songs.

I am 27 after all. LOL

It left me with a feeling of WTF, Twitter?

Also? Noone that follows me follows him, did you notice that?

Can we say... computer glitch? Lol

That Was Me.

[Warning: This post is about abuse. If this is a possible trigger for you, please don't read any further. This is a graphic video and should not be viewed with children around you.]

Either last night or the night before, I saw this video on Twitter and it stopped me dead in my tracks.

I was stunned. I'll let you watch it first.



Okay, like I said. I was stunned. But, probably not for the same reasons you are stunned.

I'm stunned because that was me. I was that girl. I was Hillary Adams.

That was my dad. My dad was her dad. My dad was Judge William Adams.

She was beat because she downloaded some video game or song online.

I was beat because I was playing with my french-style green beans.

I was that girl, screaming for my father not to spank abuse me.

I was that girl who didn't turn around because she didn't want to get spanked abused.

I was that girl pleading for the lashes to stop.

I was that girl who rubbed her leg that night because my leg hurt so bad and was so tender for the belt.

I was the girl who went to school the next day with a bruise the size of a baseball and frisbee on her right leg.

I was the girl who didn't tell anyone for fear that they might take me away from my mother.

I did not have a video camera to hide and video tape the abuse that went on on a fairly regular basis, but I can play the exact scene over and over again in my head.

Her father says he apologized and that it appeared worse on the video than it really was. Did I mention he's a family law Judge? Yeah. He should be removed from his position and the whole family needs therapy.

My father to this day has never apologized for beating me and no one ever talks much about it, but I'll never forget getting beat abuse. There is a fine line between a spanking and an abusive beating. This, was abuse, not a spanking*.

I wanted to jump through that video and beat the shit out of Mr. Adams and then I wanted to pick Hillary up and hug her and tell her she was going to be okay. I am now 27 years old and I will live the rest of my life knowing my father will never be able to put another hand/belt on me again. I only wish I could have stood up for myself at that age, but I know I was only a child.

(*For the record, I am against spankings of any type.)

So Hot In Here

I'm progressively getting worse. My nostrils feel like they are on fire. My chest is heavy. My head feels like it's about to explode from the sinus pressure. My body aches (Not sure if it's from the bike rides or the cold, but whatever it is, it aches.)

And when I laid down tonight, I noticed I was feeling hot. Since I'm not allowed to take tylenol or advil right now, I decided to head over to the ER to get my throat swabbed and some antibiotics pop'n in my mouth.

I'm glad I went because apparently I have strep. I'm going to kill NYEBoy! Doesn't he know I have a shit ton of work to do for school? On the bright side, I have two days off to rest and catch up on school work. On the not so bright side, I'm missing the last History class before our test on Friday. FML. Gah.

But, considering it's now nearing 3 am, I am going to go email my professors and crawl back in bed. I feel like ubber shit.

Biker Siblings

We finally found a bike for my brother yesterday. We'd been scouring Craigslist and used bike stores for a good deal and we finally found one.

We got him a $150 for $50 from an 83-year-old, pistol packing, one-eyed, widow from Craigslist, named Mr. Bill. Don't ask how we know so much about him. (Old people are so talkative cute!)

Instead of waiting until the next day to ride it, after the trick-or-treaters were gone, my brother and I went on a 7 mile bike ride. In the dark. On Halloween night.

I'm so glad we got him a bike, though. He's been talking mad shit about how weak my bike riding skills are. Ha. (What are we, 10?)