Just Another Day In The Neighborhood

On the way home from school, we were coming around a bend on the street a block away from my house and we noticed a van with it's flashers on, and people getting over into the left lane. My friend got over and it wasn't very long after that when we saw what the fuss was all about.

A car was smoking very badly. The smoked turned into flames which quickly turned into really big flames by the time that the police arrived.




You know, just another day in the neighborhood.

[I ran towards the car to help, but everyone was already out, thankfully. No injuries.]

Mothers & Their Children

I told you yesterday about a group of us at church that are sharing our life st0ries with each other, and while they are supposed to be confidential, I have to share how this lady almost made me cry.

If you've read my blog for awhile, you know I didn't have the best relationship with my mother growing up. Despite this troubled relationship, I've always wanted to be a mother. Much different from my own, of course, but a mother nonetheless.

The visions I have of being a mother, I have often wondered if they are just a dream. Can someone really love their child the way I think I will mine? Can someone really be a wonderful parent? Is being a dysfunctional parent the norm? Are my children doomed? After all, it didn't just start with my mother, her mother wasn't the best mother either. (She is the best grandma though, which I have to say, my mother is a much better grandparent than she ever was a mother.)

It wasn't until I heard this woman tell her life st0ry, especially when she talked about her daughter, that I realized there are really amazing mothers out there. Mothers who love their children and want the best for them. Mothers who glow when they speak of their children.

I've never met her daughter, but I really hope she knows how much her mother really loves her. I've always just wanted a sliver of that love from mine and I struggle to get it at times, but I know when I am a mother, I am going to glow just like she did. I'm going to be proud to be my children's mother.

Our Stories

A few weeks ago at church, they had an announcement about a new W0mens Life St0ries group being put together. I wasn't exactly sure what all it involved, but I signed up anyways. During our informational meeting, they told us what it was and I knew I wanted to join.

Basically, once every two weeks, the group gets together to share their life story. Each meeting is a different woman's turn and it's hosted at her house. They spend almost an hour sharing their life story. Then the group shares things about their story that touched their heart. Each meeting lasts about two hours.

I think it's going to be a great way to learn about other women in my church.

We had our first one last week. The lady who spoke really touched my heart and I'll blog about that later. The next lady is also an infertile, so it should be nice to hear someone else speaking out loud about it. I am scheduled to give mine in a month.

The benefit of being a blogger is that you like to talk about yourself, so this should be right up my alley. The hard part is just narrowing it down to about an hour.

Now, if I could just get my house in order for this group, I'd feel a lot better.

Beaded Wreath

Before football season began, I had these big plans to decorate for the football games. We love football, especially F$U. I searched the internet, craft blogs, etsy, and pinterest looking for cute things.

One of the cutest things I came across was on etsy and it was a beaded F$U wreath. I love, love, loved it, but I couldn't bring myself to spend the $50+ dollars on it, though. So, I did what every crafter does, I decided to make it.

I already had a wreath frame in my craft loot, so all I needed was ribbon and mardi gras beads. I found a seller on eBay who sold 6 dozen beads for around $15 shipped. I ordered 2 dozen black, gold, and the garnet color.

I hoped I would have the wreath finished before the season began, but apparently my package was stuck in a sorting facility for over a month. Yeah... pretty much sums up my football season experience this year. The first game I was a bit depressed about missing A and the second game I began miscarrying but I didn't know it at the time.

When the beads finally arrived the other day, I finally sat down to make the wreath. I probably could have used another dozen or two beads to make it fuller, but I was happy with the outcome.



I thought about adding a few things to it, but I don't have time to do it right now. Maybe next year.

I'm on Pinterest if you want to follow me.

It's All Going To Be Alright

The first week of school was a short week. By the end of the second week, I was starting to get behind. But, that was okay. I was going to spend that whole weekend studying.

And then the miscarriage started happening. I don't know if you've ever had a miscarriage, but it is physically the most pain I have ever been in my life. When the only way to relieve pain is to take prescription pain medication, you can forget about even being about to study while the pain is gone because you feel like shit.

Needless to say, when I returned to a week with four tests scheduled, I was fucked.

I ended up working things out with my professors, but every afternoon I was physically exhausted. Between the headaches and the exhaustion, I really struggled just to go to school, muchless catch up.

Heading into today, I still had one test and five homework assignments due by midnight. There was no way I was going to be ready to take it or do the homework. I decided to talk with my professor to see if we could work out something, but I wasn't sure what, if anything, he would let me do since he had already given me a one week extension.

Luckily, we talked and he's letting my final count as a replacement test grade, and he's given me another extension on the homework.

Hopefully, by next Monday, I'll be caught up. It's going to really depend how I feel every day. I underestimated how taxing a miscarriage can be on your body.

Sunday Fun Day

I wish.

I have three tests tomorrow, aren't you jealous? (German, PreCal, and Trig..if you were wondering.)

Friday night, after the online quiz was blocked, I emailed my professor and requested an extension since his powerpoint wasn't working (I'd been asking for a week for him to replace it.) and I had missed the lecture it was on when I was out healing (physically) from the miscarriage. I didn't think he would, because let's face it, he's a douche bag. Shockingly, I awoke to an email yesterday with an extension until Monday. I almost cried. (Obviously I'm a hormonal mess these days.)

Today after church the young aduIt group is having a cookout/meeting. I'm going to make an appearance, but I have got to get my ass home to study. I need to pass these tests tomorrow. Notice I said pass and now make an A. At this point, I just want to get caught up without any failing grades. I'll make up the difference with the rest of the semester. (I hope.)

I've been interested in doing something for awhile now, but it wasn't until my miscarriage that sparked the flame for me to look more into it. I'll share the news in the next week or two.

Well, I need to get ready to go to church, you know, so I can hurry back home to study. I hope you're having a wonderful weekend. Mine has been emotional, as to be expected (I think the shock of the miscarriage is wearing off and now I'm dealing with the aftermath, emotionally.)

The Best Surprise Ever

One night last week, while NYEBoy and I were laying down, I had mentioned that I wanted to get some type of jewelry with the September birthstone. I was debating on a necklace or a ring with three stones. I didn't have anything specifically decided, even though I was window shopping online.

Well, I had a horrible day yesterday. I crashed last night and slept for twelve hours. I'd feel bad about that, except, I knew my body needed that long rest.

When I woke up, NYEBoy asked if I wanted something for lunch. I told him he could just run to Subway since it was literally, around the corner. I was online doing something, but suddenly realized an hour had passed. I always get annoyed when he offers to get something for me to eat, but eats first and I end up waiting two hours.

I started feeling sick so I tried calling him while I laid down. My blood was boiling with every unanswered call. So, I did what ever psycho girlfriend does, I sent a few mean text messages.

When he got home, he laid the subway bag on the table and I just laid there. Annoyed and feeling sick.

"Thanks for taking so long. I wasn't hungry or anything."

"Sorry. I drove around trying to figure out what I wanted, but I ended up getting Subway too. The line was long when I got there."

I just lay there annoyed. From my vantage point, I see he got the wrong chips.

"You got the wrong chips. Thanks. I wasn't craving them or anything."

Sigh. "Sorry"

I just lay there annoyed some more.

"Are you not going to eat?"

"I will."

"Really? You're not going to eat?"

"I said I was." ::sits up:: "Oh, never mind, you got the right chips." (I'm too good to say sorry.)

My brother walks in the living room as we're eating.

"She said I got the wrong chips, then she said never mind they were the right ones."

My brother laughed. They like to tag team me. I'm never right in a house with two men. Even when I really ~am~ right.

We continue eating our food and my brother goes to lay down again because he wasn't feeling very well.

I asked for one cookie if it wasn't burnt, but when I looked at the bag, I noticed it looked like it had a bunch in there. {Cue: Psycho girlfriend, again} I just know there is going to be several cookies in that bag, so I grab it all armed and ready to bitch about wasting money on cookies no one is going to eat.

But, I didn't find a bag stuffed with cookies, I found a red heart box.

"What is this?"

"I don't know."

"Well, did you get it for me or did you grab the subway guy's girlfriends bag?"

"Really? Are you fucking kidding me?"

"Geez, calm down, I was just asking. You never know."

Inside, was this:



[September's birthstone: the Blue Sapphire]

It wasn't what I had in mind, but it is what he had in his mind. And I love it.

Just as much as I would have loved our baby.

The Never Ending Day

If you started out every day with an empty plate, mine would have ended full of shit. Today was just horrible. And never ending.

I had high hopes she wouldn't be mentioning her pregnancy much in class, at least for the next few weeks or so, after she emailed me once I told her my medical reason for being out. She told me she had two miscarriages in the last six months, so she understands how I am feeling. Judging by her email, I had assumed miscarriage number 2 was the "pregnancy she thought she had" those first few class days of class.

I was wrong. Shortly after pulling my notes out of my bag, she walks in and starts setting up for class. While I was surfing my phone, I hear her voice talking to anothe student, but I'm not paying much attention to her. Then suddenly, I start understanding what she's saying. She's talking about her pregnancy and morning sickness. Then the girl to my left starts chiming in and then suddenly a girl three seats over on the right starts talking about pregnancy too.

I start breathing slowly. I can get through this. It's only a few seconds of conversation. But, they keep talking, LOUDER, and it's just not stopping. I send out a few tweets...

... as I debate how far behind I will get if I miss another day of classes with a test coming up. Just as I am about to lose it, they finally stop.

My eyes were full of tears and I didn't hear the first few seconds of the lecture as I want to break down. Fuck school, I just want my baby back.

I eventually made it through the rest of the day and hoped the evening would be better. I have a ton of stuff to study for. But for some reason, life had other plans.

While I am sending a tweet, my brother reads over my shoulder and says as sarcastically as possible, "What advice are you seeking for your miscarriage? Maybe I can google it for you." Typical asshole-brother response, I try to ignore it.

But, a few minutes later, he comes back in and starts in on the whole miscarriage shit again. I tell him to stop because he's being an asshole. Being an assholey brother (at times) he starts getting loud and says "It's not like you lost a child or anything. You just bled a lot. It happens all of the time. Fucking get over it."

Those words truly hurt my feelings. I wanted NYEBoy home---NOW! A few minutes later, he comes home and I debate on telling him. I didn't want him to "stand up" for me and get in an arguement with my brother... even though I wanted him to know how hurt I was. He calms me down and we decide to go to dinner and a movie.

On the way to dinner, I remember I have two online assignments due at midnight. It was around 8:30, so I decided just to go on and eat, then come home and do them just in the knick of time.

Well, I finished one completely, but still had four left on my second quiz. I was pissed because those four questions were 45% of the grade and it left me with an F for that quiz.

Instead of losing it any more, I just decided to go to bed. Of course that made NYEBoy mad because he had hoped to go to the movies with me at 12:30, but I was too upset.

Some days are just shitty... and today was one of those days!

The Bathroom Scene

Will it ever stop? The replaying of that day.

The walking to the bathroom after class with the sharp pains in my abdominal area.

The opening of the door.

The pulling of the papertowels.

The rushing to the stall.

Hanging my purse up.

Putting the paper towels down*.

The blood.

Everywhere.

My hands.

The toilet.

Women outside the stall, oblivious to what is going on in here.

They are just trying to go to the bathroom in between their classes.

And I'm struggling to prevent any blood from dropping on the floor.

Can you imagine if a girl on either side of me sees the drop of blood fall on the floor?

What will she do?

What will she think?

Will she scream?

I've got to get out of here.

I've got to clean the blood up.

I need to call my friend.

I need to go home.

Will I have to go to the ER again?

What is going on?

I stand up and see it.

A sac.

The size of the palm of my hand.

In the toilet.

At school.

I want to pick it up.

I know what it is.

It's my hopes.

It's my dream.

I've been waiting seven years for it.

And in the blink of an automatic toilet, it's gone.

I've got to get out of here.

Now.

Go.

Unable to look at anyone in the eye.

To the sink.

Then, outside to call my friend.

Will it ever go away? The replay? Will I ever be able to go to that bathroom again? Will I ever be able to go in that stall again? Will I ever be able to stop the blood dripping from my hand?

[* I never sit my bare ass on a public toilet and always use paper towels on the seats.]

Miscarriage Advice

My follow up with the doctor isn't until next week and while the bleeding has stopped, I have a few other issues I was hoping to get advice on from anyone else who has had a miscarriage before.

1.) Exercise. How soon after you miscarried were you able to start working out again? I know my back is going to give me issues (unrelated to the miscarriage) but I have the instinctual urge to get my body in shape. I think I am subconsciously thinking my body did something wrong. If I was in better shape, would it have stuck around? I know it's not my fault and there is no way to know what the issues really were, but still.

2.) Headaches. Did anyone else get headaches after their miscarriage? If it weren't for these headaches, I would be off my pain meds by now. I'm currently just taking Tylenol for them, but the headaches are driving me crazy. How long should I expect this?

3.) Sleep. Every day I get home I want to sleep. I feel exhausted. I know a miscarriage is taxing on a woman's body, but I'm struggling with making it through the day without feeling like I want to crash as soon as I get home. Did anyone else have this feeling one week post-miscarriage? How long did it last?

What NOT To Say

Have you ever heard of the saying "Think before you speak"? We all have, I thought. Apparently after you have a miscarriage, no one remembers that, though.

I understand when you find out someone has lost a pregnancy it's difficult to know exactly what to say. When you add in the element of not knowing they were pregnant, it's an even bigger shock for all involved, but still.

Over the past week, I have had a few people say things that have left me thinking "Did that really just come out of their mouth?"

Before I even get into what NOT to say, can I please ask that you at least say SOMETHING? If you are related to this person or talk to them on a regular basis, it is NOT "OK" to remain silent. The silence is just as hurtful as the ignorant comments.

As for what NOT to say...

Do NOT say, "Well, at least you know you can get pregnant now!" Pregnancy does not = live, healthy baby. Pregnancies that end in a miscarriage just add another element of stress to an already stressful time.

Do NOT say, "Well, you know, this is nature's way of taking care of..well, you know.." Just... No. Don't go there. It doesn't make us feel better about what happened. It just makes us want to punch YOU in the face.

Do NOT say, "Why are you trying to have a baby and you're in school?" Why does anyone have kids-ever? I'm 27 years old. Let me live my life.

Do NOT say, "Well, this is God's plan." Really, this is God's plan? Why does God give shitty people kids, but not us?

Do NOT say, "At least it was early." 4 weeks or 40 weeks, it's still a loss. A loss of a dream, a loss of a child, a loss you never wanted to experience.

If you don't know WHAT to say, I can help.

You CAN say, "I'm sorry." I'm sorry too.

You CAN say, "I'm praying for you." I'm praying too.

You CAN say, "I'm thinking about you." It makes us not feel so alone.

You CAN say, "It's not your fault." Women don't always know why they miscarry, but it's hard to not think that it could have been prevented. It helps when someone tells us it's not our fault.

Whether its an email, text message, blog comment, phone call, tweet or Facebook comment, just let them know you care. It's tough to go through a miscarriage.

First Day Back

Today was my first day back to school after my miscarriage. Overstressed and worried about all of the work I missed, I set my alarm for 4 am. The early bird gets the worm, or something like that. I survived, barely.

An hour after arriving on campus, someone yells my name in a hallway and hits my bag, so I turn around and it's a girl in my German class. Before I could say anything she said "DUE! You didn't drop German did you?" Before I could think, I said "No, um I had a miscarriage last week." She promptly inserted her foot into her mouth and hugged me. She told me if I needed any help to please call. I told her I would see her in class.

Our campus police have a service where they will drive you to your classes on the golf cart if you need them too, and since my first three classes go from one end of campus to the other and back again, I decided to take advantage of that today. The less physical strain I put on my body, the better.

I met with all of my teachers and worked out a plan for the four tests I had scheduled this week. I'm still stressed about everything, but looking forward to being caught up. Hopefully no later than early next week.

Helping The Homeless

Our church serves a meal for the homeless twice a month, one at a local church, and another at a local homeless shelter.

I had signed up to help serve dinner tonight at the homeless shelter before the miscarriage, but I wasn't sure if I would actually be able to make it this week. I decided to take it easy and if I felt okay, I would go ahead and help. Thankfully, I ended up feeling well enough to go.

I'm glad I went. It allows me to connect with my fellow church members and gives me a chance to give back to the community as well. I hope to be able to volunteer my time in the community a bit more and I'm glad my church gives me the chance.

Kinect Games

[Completely unrelated to infertility and my miscarriage.]

NYEBoy and I have been talking about getting a Kinect for awhile now, and we're finally taking the plunge this next week.

So tell me dear internets, what are your favorite games? and what games did you just not care for?

Thanks for your help!

All I Have Left

After seven years of infertility, this is all I have to show for my first pregnancy that was never to be.



I feel like I should have got more than that. You know, something like this...

Over Before It Even Began

What a whirlwind week. Last Friday, my biggest goal of the weekend was to study and get caught up in school work. That was all out of the window by Saturday evening. I've spent more time at the ER and doctors office than I have at school this week. The doctor confirmed the miscarriage today. She's told me to keep resting and then I can attempt to go back to school again on Monday.

It was over before it even began. I didn't get to see the elusive second line on a pregnancy test. I don't get a due date. I don't get to know the sex. I don't get dream about the nursery or pick out a carseat.

The only thing I get to pick out is whether I want Tylenol 3 or Lortab and whether I want to use super flow or regular flow tampons.

I've had four pelvic exams, peed in a cup three times, had two IVs, and a finger print. My vagina has been felt up more in the past week than ever in my life total. I've spent more hours hunched over in pain than I have studying.

Whatever it was, whenever it would have been due, it was desperately wanted for seven years. I won't get to spend next summer with it before classes start in the fall, instead I'll just be reminded what could have been had it not been over before it even began.

Thank you all for the tweets, texts, comments, and emails. I have the best friends in the world.

2011 is not my year.

The M Word

[Another graphic post, fair warning, turn away now.]

A few moments after I posted my blog post last night, I got several emails, comments, and text messages about what I was experiencing. The M word came up. I quickly texted a girlfriend who has had several early miscarriages and we began talking. She said it was highly likely I was experiencing a miscarriage as she had very similar symptoms and while the urine test at the hospital would be negative, I wouldn't really know unless they did a beta and/or ultrasound. I made an appointment for tomorrow morning to see the doctor.

I woke up a smidge before six this morning and attempted to get my bag ready for school. The whole two hours I was up before class, I felt okay and the bleeding wasn't worrying me much. Perhaps it was finally coming to an end, I thought.

A few minutes after arriving at school, I started aching again. In between my first and second class, I was having to breathe carefully because the pain was so bad. I was running late to my second class so I didn't stop to check how the bleeding was, but by the end of class I knew something wasn't right.

As soon as I sat down to check my tampon, blood was everywhere. I was trying not to freak out because the bathroom was full as it was in between classes and every other woman on campus was in there, but I quickly cleaned up and called my friend to take me home. After passing a "clot" as big as the palm of my hand, I am pretty sure this is a miscarriage and not "just PCOS".

I have an appointment tomorrow morning with a doctor and I'll know more then.

The only thing worse than going through seven years of infertility is finding out you're having a miscarriage before you even know you were pregnant.

Twice In A Day

[Warning, this will be a graphic blog post. If you're squeamish or judgemental about posting too much information online, skip this post. I'm writing this for myself as a record and for others in case they experience the same thing, so they know they aren't alone.]

Saturday afternoon, I started having lower back pain. Typical enough as I have several herniated discs and I'm usually in a lot of pain from that lately. Well, a little bit later, the pain began to become stronger and stronger. Before I decided to go lay down, I went to the bathroom and realized my cycle had started.

(As a side note, just about two and a half weeks ago, I had stopped bleeding after four weeks of bleeding, but it wasn't painful like I have been experiencing these last few days. It was just your average cycle, but longer. And yes, I tried to get a doctors appointment during that time, but no one would see me until Oct/Nov unless I paid out of pocket.)

Anyways, I finally was able to go to bed Saturday evening after downing lots of Advil. I woke up still feeling bad on Sunday, but I had a meeting after church I agreed to attend, so I downed more Advil so that I could make my commitment.
Shortly after the meeting at church the pain returned full force. I seriously felt like I was in labor or something. I had to stop several times to breathe through the intense pains while I was running errands. By the time I got home, I was popping Advil like they were m&ms. I finally gave up on studying and tried to down more Advil and sleep.

I set my alarm for 4 am so that I could do some studying since I was sidelined most of the weekend with back and abdominal pain. When my alarm went off Monday morning at 4 am, I woke up soaked in blood and in the worst pain of my life. I took some more Advil, made some coffee, and ate a cup of yogurt hoping to get some studying done.

That was not to be. By 5:30 I had gone through two tampons and was on the phone with the nurse in the ER discussing whether or not I should go to the ER. With her strong urging, we headed out. Once I arrived, they took me back and started an IV for the pain and bloodwork needed. I gave a urine sample as well. The ended up doing two pelvic exams, too. They came back and pretty much said it was probably the PCOS and sent me home with a script for pain meds and orders of two days of bedrest.

Part of me was a little bit annoyed because I didn't think it was connected to the PCOS because I have NEVER experienced the clotting/cramping/bleeding like this EVER. Not even half of this.

But, I filled my script, took my meds, and went home to take a nap. I had an appointment for a clinic outside of town scheduled for Monday afternoon so I kept that. My girlfriend took me and we were back home an hour or two later. I started hurting again as the pain meds wore off. After my friend left, I downed more meds and went for a nap.

By 10 pm, the pain meds weren't touching the pain and the bleeding went from having to change once every 1-1.5 hours, to less than an hour again. And the clots were getting pretty big. I gave myself an hour to see if it would calm down, but fifteen minutes later, I was crying and begging someone to put me out of my misery, so I told NYEBoy it was time to go back to the ER.

I had remembered the ER mention me getting an ultrasound earlier that morning but they never did it and I thought by going back they would do that to see what was going on and perhaps give me something that could control the pain.

I was wrong. Shortly after I went back, some PA walked in and discussed everything with me and then sent in some woman doctor who basically didn't believe me. She told me they wouldn't do an ultrasound, I just needed to be put on birth control. WTF? Shortly after that, they doped me up again, did another pelvic exam, and by 1 am, I was leaving doped up from hell with a prescription for pain meds and birth control. Still in pain and bleeding heavy, I threw up as soon as we got home.

I slept pretty much the whole day only waking up to change and take more meds. As of this evening, the pain has gone down from where it was, but it's still pretty intense. The bleeding has slowed down to where I can go once every 1.5-2 hours to change, but the clots are still pretty big. I'm taking my lowest dose of pain meds so that I can try to get some housework and studying done.

Tomorrow morning I am going to call for an appointment with the doctor on Thursday at the health clinic in the other town. I would have gone today or tomorrow, but she was booked today and doesn't work Wednesdays. I am really nervous about tomorrow because moving around too much hurts really bad, but my note was only for two days and I have a quiz I can't make up. I'll likely take Thursday off since I only have one class and hope to get the appointment with the doctor.

I don't know what is going on with my body, but I have never experienced this much pain/bleeding/clotting in my life. I've never missed my doctors back home more than I have right now either. They totally wouldn't just brush a patient off with a blanketed response. Hopefully the doctor on Thursday can help me. Her front desk staff was very nice, so I have hope!

Has anyone else experienced something like this before?

Busy Day

I have a busy day ahead of me today.

8:30 am - Meeting with History professor

9:00 am - Trig class

10:00 am - History class

11:00 am - German class

12:00 pm - Therapy appointment

1:30 pm - Precal class

3:30 pm - Doctors appointment

And home again around 5? 6? to cook, clean, and study.

Jealous?

10 Years Later, 9/11

I remember, like everyone else, where I was the moment I heard about the Twin Towers being hit. I was watching the Today Show as the second plane hit the second tower and I watched as the building shook around Jim Miclishvski when the plane hit the Pentagon. At 17, it was the first time I had ever felt vulnerable as a nation.

Ten years later, I still get anxiety when I see the pictures, watch the specials on tv, and hear stories of the people directly effected from that day. Ten years later, tears still fill my eyes.

I will say the memorial looks amazing. I know there was a lot of debate as to what was going to be put up, but it's so perfect to me.

Having said all that, I have a bone to pick this year. What is up with all of these companies honoring the military, firefighters, and police officers this year? Free meals and cupcakes, to honor these brave men and women on 9/11. I don't understand that. If I am not mistaken, something like 75% of the people who died on that dreadful day were just average joes. I'm not saying let's not honor our firefighters, police officers, and members of our military, but what about the other people who died that day while they were just doing their jobs, too? It doesn't seem fair to honor just a few, when we should be remembering them all.

My heart breaks for all of the friends and family members who lost loved ones ten years ago. We'll never forget your loved ones.

[Please don't mistake this post for anything that it isn't. I have the deepest respect for first responders and our military. My freedom is owed to those who are braver than I.]

New Dressing

This is just a heads up for those of you who are eating a lot of salads like myself and are always looking for new yummy salad dressings.

It's not sugar free, which is against my low amylose diet, but I am allowing it in moderation because it's not one of the first few ingriedents.

It's Newman's Own Parmesan Roasted Garlic dressing. It is organic, which is always an added plus.



Let me know if you try it and like it.

What is your favorite dressing?

Another Week Down

I've wrapped up the second week of Fall classes today. I can remember where my classes are, but I still have to check my printed schedule for class times. Eventually, I'll get that part down, too.

Classes are going pretty well. I only missed one question on my Trig quiz that I was worried about. That made me feel a lot better about my ability to do this again.

I only have one more week of classes before I begin 13 weeks with at least one test a week penciled in my planner. Some weeks I even have two or three. That's one part of school that I'll never really look forward to. Ha.

Here's to hoping I'll get everything done on my to-do list before Monday.

Not Healed Yet

Last month, at my last therapy appointment, my therapist asked when I wanted to schedule my next therapy appointment and I told her I would probably wait because I was moving and not going to be at school for a month. Part of me thought I would be okay after awhile and perhaps not even need to see her again. (Not because I don't like her, but because I thought I was healed a bit.) I'm quickly realizing I need to see her again soon, though. Hopefully she can get me in tomorrow sometime.

I'm not sure exactly what is bumming me out. I'm even feeling disconnected from the blog and twitter world. I know blogging every day for a year can do that to you, but I've made it nine months so far and trying to stick with it!

Hopefully I'll feel better after some good sleep and a therapy appointment. Thanks for sticking with me.

Crying Always Helps

I cried after I got off the phone with the assistant to the Dean, then promptly wiped my tears away and wrote a blog post. After I got done pecking at the keyboard, my girlfriend asked me if I felt better. I did, but only a little. I was still a bit tense and felt that way for the rest of the evening.

Before I went to bed early last night, I grabbed my iPhone and set the alarm for 4 am. I laughed at myself. I knew I desperately needed to prep for my two quizes and finish my history essay, but I was too exhausted to finish it at night. I also knew that if I didn't wake up with my alarm in the morning, I was going to be royally fucked because classes start at 9 and I leave the house around 8. There was no wiggle room to do everything I needed to do. Plus, six hours of sleep was a lot better than nothing.

When my alarm went off at 4 am, I sighed and rolled over. I held the phone tightly and muttered "fifteen more minutes, please". At 4:15, when the alarm went off, I got up. I waddled into the bathroom, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and promptly headed over to the coffee machine. And then? I studied for 4 hours. Like a rockstar.

When I went to class, I was READY for my first quiz for sure. I was going to show that douche bag. As he was handing out the quizzes, he told us to get out our notes because quizzes are always open book. I've never been more proud that I take kick ass TYPED notes in my life. I didn't need it though, except when I was finished to double check my work.

After Trig, I went to History and handed in my lovely typed essay. I knew after I was done with German, I would have an hour and a half to prepare for my Precal quiz.

And then I get to Precal and he says the quiz will be next week. Just like that, my stress went away. I felt better about my schooling. I'm going to be alright. I can do this. I've never let a douche bag get between me and my goals before and I am not going to start now.

Thank you for your emails/tweets/comments yesterday. It's nice to know other people support me!

What, A Douche Bag

Today is the first time I have really wanted to say eff you to school. My first day of my Trig class the professor made some kind of comment about students retaining more information if they learn something on their own. I brushed it off and went about my day.

Let me back up one second, I carefully planned my Fall semester in the Spring because I knew I was taking two math classes and a foreign language (plus History 2) so I wanted to make sure I had professors in the classes that I am majoring in (Math) that actually care. For my Trig class, I picked who is arguably the best Math professor on campus. And apparently I am right, because the week before classes started, she got a promotion (to Dean of curriculum, but I didn't think anything of it. Until classes started, that is. Apparently with her promotion came with a mix up for the students who were taking her class.

Anyways, back to where I am now. By the second day of classes, it was clear, this man does not teach. NYEBoy thought I was joking until I showed him how he does his lectures and even he got a little annoyed.

By the end of class Friday, two full classes of teaching later, I realized I needed to try to switch if possible. I went to the Dean's office, but the computers were down. I left a message for them to call me, but I just got a call, after 4 pm Tuesday. (Yes, there was a three day weekend, I get that.)

Well, the assistant to the Dean told me there was no way to change classes because we are a full week into classes and the only thing I can do is talk to the professor or drop if I don't want to take him.

Talk to him? Yeah, right. He answered a student who asked a genuine question of "How did you get that answer?" with "Um, I am not going to teach you that. You need to learn it on your own."

Mind you, at least half of the class is retaking it, but this shit is ALL new to me and I am so completely lost it's not even funny. I spent three or four hours yesterday studying and learned more on my own than a whole week's worth of class.

I have no choice though, I am stuck. I have to stay on schedule, but it really pisses me off that I am basically paying this douche bag to stand at a black board (or smartboard) to flip through slides and not teach for a whole semester.

Ugh.

Balancing Act

I've struggled with finding a balance between work, school, and home this past week. Between house work and school, work has taken a hit. I realize that the first week of school is always crazy and adding in my brother moving in with us was only going to send me over the edge, but man I feel like a loser.

I'm hoping that with a little planning that things will settle down this week and I will find a better balanced routine in the coming week or two. It probably doesn't help that the rest of the house is relatively organized and my office has been the last thing to really be tackled.

I still can't believe we've been moved in for over a month now and I still don't have it all down! Soon, hopefully soon.

Cheaper Than Starbucks

My brother and NYEBoy were talking about my Keurig and the refills the other day. Apparently NYEBoy didn't realize that the machine had one-time use refills and how much they were. I was a bit nervous as to what he was going to say because I love my Keurig machine even if I do spend about $50 every four to six weeks on the refills.

But then, he told my brother, "Yeah, well, it's cheaper than her running to Starbucks a few times a day" LOL!

He knows me so well.

I love my Keurig. I'm getting my mom one for Christmas. I haven't used the refill cup with my own coffee yet, but I know she loved the machine when she was here visiting and I know she'll love the refillable container, too.

Do you have a Keurig? What is your favorite coffees or teas? I'm dying to try the hot cocoas but they don't have a sugar free one. My favorite coffees are the Timothy's decaf Colombian and the Kona blend. My mom loves the caramel vanilla creme, and my brother loves them all. Our house smells like a coffee shop with him making several cups every day. When he gets his own place, I'll have to get him a Keurig, too!

A Different Kind of Game Day

I've been missing college football for months now. Occasionally, I'll glance at the calendar and sigh, wishing it was closer. I even started pinning different football game decorations on Pinterest of things I wanted to make and do.

And then Game Day arrived. And, well, it wasn't what it had lived up to be. I was really missing a certain five year old cheerleader. She wasn't there helping me set up. She wasn't decked out in FSU colors. She wasn't there yelling GO! F!S!U!, telling EJ good job, or telling the white team she was sorry they were losing because we were going to win.

I obviously knew she wouldn't be here this season, but I really started to feel the void that Friday night when we went downtown to the Downtown Getdown our city hosts every Friday night before a home game. There are tents along several city blocks and we loved going to get yummy food and listen to the band play, especially when they played the fight song because we got to "chop" the air with our hands.

I said to hell with the diet and tried to eat everything she would have liked, except the snowcone, because the line was way too long. Kettle corn and corndogs? Check. And BBQ. And coke.

I really felt the void again on game day itself and it made me a little sad. I tried to hide it as best as I could.

My girlfriend game over and we ended up playing board games with NYEBoy and my brother for over six hours, which kind of took my mind off what was missing for awhile.

I ended up enjoying myself with my company, but I really missed A.

Crazy Week

This week has sucked the life out of me, both physically and mentally. I am exhausted. What makes the first week of a semester SO draining? I know it's also partly due to my brother moving in with us and having that extra dose or stress, but my goodness! I can't seem to catch up.

I am desperately looking forward to having the next three days off of school and I fully intend on trying my damnest not to wake up before noon. My mind and body need the deep sleep.

I have to say, sleeping until noon is one of the few perks about being childless and one I don't feel guilty about enjoying. Although, don't get me wrong, if it ment never sleeping in again until noon, I'd gladly trade that for a bundle of joy, but you get what I'm saying.

Beyond Exhausted

I am physically and mentally exhausted right now. My body is killing me. The aches and pains make me feel like I am trapped inside of an old lady's body. The only time I am not feeling this bad is after I have taken three or four Advil, but considering I need my liver, I can't make this a habit.

School is going okay so far, I've been so sore and tired that I can't really enjoy it as much as I want to. Hopefully this three day weekend coming up is very much needed and well earned.

My brother made it safely into town last night. Things have been going very well. We're getting him situated and hoping to enroll him into college in the Spring semester. So proud of him.

I hope you're all having a wonderful week. I'm looking forward to the weekend (yay for college football!!) so I can catch up on my rest and school work.

Anyone else a little sad that Big Brother is ALMOST over? Only two more weeks. Team Rachel and Jordan, FTW!