Spring Cleaning Week 2

Well, I finished my bathrooms, but for some reason, I am having troubles uploading pictures tonight. I'll try again tomorrow! Also, WTF is with men and clean toilets? They just CANT. STAND. IT!

To view the original message click here.

Up this next week I will be tackling the outside, hallway, and laundry room.

Outside:
Sweep leaves

Hallway:
Wash walls
Put away stuff on stairs/freezer
Vacuum
Mop
Sweep

Laundry Room:
Clean behind and under washing machine and dryer
Reorganize laundry detergents


This is my last week before Spring Break so I have a midterm and a few things to take care of.

How are you doing with your cleaning?

3rd Sunday

Today was my third Sunday to go to church without A, who I think, at some point in the future, may be being refered to as The Girl. Still debating. We had our young adult luncheon after the main service which was nice. I'm looking forward to future meetings with the other people my age.

NYEBoy was not too happy with me eating lunch without him, so I was a good girlfriend and ate lunch twice. I would feel guilty if I hadn't thrown up all day yesterday. Gotta even this shit out. Ha.

I came home to realize I forgot a load of laundry from last weekend in the washing machine. Ooops. I know I've been spending all week wondering where the fuck all the clothes were. Now I know!

We have advising coming up for the summer and fall soon, so I went ahead with NYEBoy and planned the next four semesters. Hopefully, I'll stay on track. Although, I am pretty sure after this semester, I will likely not have any more classes with my girls since we're all going down different educational paths. This sucks. There's always lunch, I suppose.

Well, I need to go clean my bathrooms for tomorrow. Have you been keeping up with your Spring Cleaning Challenge? Don't forget to leave me a comment to your post if you are done tomorrow so I can link you up!

The Oscars are tonight, too. So I'll be over on Twitter if you want to twang out during the award show!

Wasting A Saturday

NYEBoy came to check on me before he left for a business meeting around noon. He said I didn't say anything, but I could have sworn I said "I have a migraine. I need medicine. Please help." As soon as I said that, I fell back asleep.

Two hours later, I woke up and realized NYEBoy was long gone. Oh, and I was still in a massive amount of pain. I sent NYEBoy a text and tried to call him to no avail, something was wrong with his phone. I crashed again, praying for my headache to go away.

I did this off an on for several hours. At one point, I realized I was getting no help. I willed myself downstairs to get some medicine and something to drink. I couldn't find the medicine though. I grabbed a handful of pretzels and my drink and headed back to bed. NYEBoy said he was only going to be gone an hour, so I kept thinking he would be back at any moment. I was wrong. I threw up the pretzels and drink a few minutes later. I crashed again.

My brother eventually called saying he was on his way home from work. Once he got home, he tried looking for the medicine, but had no luck either. He went to go get me something to eat. Once he got back, I tried to eat the happy meal, but threw up the fry as soon as it hit my stomach. So, I crashed yet again.

NYEBoy eventually answered his phone and told me he had called me several times but my brother said I was asleep. He told me he knew where the medicine was, which my brother ended up fetching for me. He said he would be home in a little bit if I was okay with that. I was.

My brother went to get me some chicken noodle soup from Panera. When he got back, I took my medicine and passed out. When I woke up, I felt a lot better. My head still feels weird, but I've been able to sit up for a little bit without feeling like death.

I hope tomorrow is better. Today just sucked ass.

Caught Up, Finally

I was up until 4 am studying for my Math exam. I woke back up at 5 to finish studying. I felt good about it. I am pretty sure I made at least a B, if not an A. I will be really shocked if I get less than a B.

After school, I cam straight home to take a nap. The nap may or may not have turned into a five hour snooze-fest, but I'm not saying.

When I woke up from said nap, the boys and I went bowling. It was fun. We could only bowl for about two hours though. I've got to warm back up to those three and four hour stretches. It was some relaxing family time though for sure.

My brother starts his new job tomorrow morning. I know he's looking forward to earning a little cash while he figures out what he wants to do "when he grows up".

I'm pretty much caught up on all of my school work. Now I just have my normal things to worry about, like two tests a week and two papers, instead of oh, four tests and papers. I'm really looking forward to Spring Break just so I can exhale from school work for a little bit.

I'm planning on spending my weekend doing a little cleaning around the house and preparing for school next week.

But right now? I'm crawling back into bed. Good night!

BlogHer Bound

Well, I bought my ticket to BlogHer this week. This will be my first conference. I figured it's about time I do something for me.

Before BlogHer, I will turn 27. I will have finished my first full year of college, crossed over the bridge of 7 years TTC, and the 6 year mark of blogging.

Why NOT throw something else into the mix this year? It's something to look forward to. Something to fill the empty boxes on the calendar so I stay sane.

It will be my first conference, first flight, and first trip West of Oklahoma. Alone. I'm scared. Quick! Someone hold me.

Are you going to BlogHer? Will this be your first time?

[Side Note: Wish me luck. I am studying today for my Math exam tomorrow. I'll be done with Math until the Summer session. Oh yeah!]

So, How Is...?

People are starting to ask about her again. It happens during those fleeting quiet moments in conversations. At first, it's just a regular conversation, usually about nothing important, then they get that look in their eye. It is like they are looking for that signal inside of mine that tell them to go ahead, ask her about it. But people don't usually know what to say, after all, what do you say to someone who feels like they just handed over a piece of their heart and walked away? Still, they try, sort of. Once they get that look in their eye, their lips part slowly as they say "So, how is.." and they give me a nod. Without a hesitation, I nod and say "A? She's doing okay, I guess."

It's a lie though. I know she's not doing okay. I've heard she's acting out constantly. She won't listen to anyone. They don't understand "what's wrong with her". I try to explain she's four. She's experiencing a major life change, whether anyone over there wants to realize it or not, for the past 18 months, she has had stability. Eighteen months to a four year old may as well be a lifetime.

It kills me though. She should be in school. She should have a routine. She should come home to dinner. She should come home to play with the family and read books. She should get a bath. She should get her teeth brushed. She should get rocked. She should get put in bed once she's asleep. This is what she's used to. That was her comfort, her security, her routine.

It truly breaks my heart. I know, as well as any family member reading this blog, the best place for A was with us. Without a doubt. No questions asked.

I just hope she finds peace soon. I hope she adapts to her new normal. I hope they get patience. Until that happens, I just keep praying. And hoping. And wishing.

Fingerprints On My Window

It's that time of year again. The temperature starts hitting the 70's and flirting with the 80's. We open the windows hoping to catch those cool breezes.

It's also that time of year where you get the itch to start spring cleaning. I decided to clean the windows, but I couldn't wipe this away.


I left it there, just as I have her car seat, her bed, and her toys.

It's where it's meant to be.

I miss her.

Spring Cleaning

It's almost Spring time. With the warmer temps (in Florida) already, I have the itch to start cleaning my house. Since I am in school full time though, I don't have the time or the desire to do it all in one weekend. Instead, I figured I could make it a challenge. Would you like to join me?

I am tackling one area per week, with my weeks beginning on Monday and ending Sunday. Here is the schedule I will be following:

2/21-2/27 Bathrooms
2/28-3/6 Outside/Hallway/Laundry Room
3/7-3/13 Bedrooms
3/14-3/20 Kitchen
3/21-3/27 Office

For the first week, I will be posting what I am doing to my "area" and next week I will do the same thing, but attaching the results from the week before.

Leave me a comment if you would like to join and I will link to your blog when you post the results. I did my schedule based upon how busy I will be at school each week. Feel free to follow the same schedule or create your own.

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This week I will work on my bathrooms since I have a busy week at school. I have two bathrooms.

Washing walls
Washing baseboards
Sweep and mop floors
Clean the showers
Clean the toilets
Clean and organize the counters
Organize the cabinets under the sinks
Clean the mirror
Take out the trash
Replace shower curtain liners
Wash shower curtains
Replace dead light bulbs and clean light fixture

Sunday Ritual

With the exception of one Sunday, I've been attending church every week this year. I'm pretty pleased with the services I've heard and continue to look forward to attending in the future.

Next weekend, they will be having a meeting with the young adults after service to discuss what types of future gatherings we might be interested in. I'm going to look online for some ideas this week, but does anyone have any suggestions I could offer the group? There are aprox 25 young adults aged 18-30ish that attend the church. I'm not sure what anyone else has in mind as I haven't really made any connections outside of the Pastor, but I didn't want to attend with nothing to contribute.

Each month our church has a theme and next month's is Gen-der-In-justice. The first Sunday in March the women have been invited to show off their talents, be it singing, playing an instrument, reading a poem, or whatever else they choose. I've decided to work on writing a poem. I'll share it here that Sunday.

I still haven't had the courage to speak out my prayer request, and perhaps I will work on that in the coming weeks, but I would appreciate if you could all keep A in your thoughts and prayers. As I expected, she's acting out and not behaving properly for everyone back home. I guess they weren't expecting this and they are having a hard time adjusting. I know this is age-appropriate behavior for such a major life change, but no one else seems to understand. Please pray for patience and understanding from the adults as well.

One Week

In some ways, it feels like it has been an eternity since I last kissed her sweet face goodbye. Other times, it feels like it was just yesterday. If I weren't in the midst of school, I think I would for sure be in the fetal position still. It's a blessing in disguise I guess. On top of that, my brother has been here this week. It's hard to be emotional with your younger brother around. After all, they are the biggest pests ever. Don't tell him, but I love that he's here.

I am sure I am in denial still, though. I can feel it. It's a tall, strong wall I've built. It's my protection. With four tests on the agenda for the next week, and another busy week after that, I have a feeling this wall will come crashing down during the week of Spring Break. NYEBoy is going to be out of town at a conference, which means I will be home alone with just my thoughts. I have a girlfriend who has offered to stay a few nights since my main squeeze will be out of town that week, too. I'm afraid about whats to come.

I miss her so much.

Report This

I've been going to school for two semesters now and I just realized we get progress reports. Say, what? I didn't even know where to find them in the system until today. Despite me emailing or discussing in-person with each professor, two of the five professors had "complaints". Now mind you, from the first day of classes, I was very open with each professor that I was in the middle of a custody case and quickly approaching the final hearing. I went to class every day until the week before, of, and after the court hearing. I went a few days each of those weeks, but not a whole week. But, I was on top of letting my professors know what was going on.

First of all, my Biology professors complaints were that I had poor attendance, I needed improvement, and I had missed assignments. Poor attendance? Okay, I'll give you that, but they knew each one. I didn't ever not show up to class and not email or have some type of discussion with them. The only assignment I missed in his class was a test, which he told me I didn't need to make up because the final replaces that grade. Since that was my only grade that wasn't extra credit, how in the hell can you tell me I "need improvement"? Based upon what? You haven't tested me. F.U.C.K.O.F.F!

And of course, my Math professor had complaints. I "need improvement" and I have "missed assignments". Lets see here, I've only missed two things in her class. One was an online homework assignment, but there are thirty-two of those. One out of thirty-two when I have been to hell and back, doesn't seem like such a big deal. I still have an overall grade of 14.something out of 15 for that. The other thing I missed was a test, but again, her final replaces your lowest test grade, so there was no need for me to make it up. And she's the professor who gave me an F because I didn't had to pee.

I probably shouldn't take it personally, but I do. Each of my other professors had satisfactory reports with no complaints. It's not "because they had to". Even before the report was filed by my Math teacher, we had several discussions about whether or not I should continue on (I was worried about being able to focus the rest of the semester, not because I was failing.) and she told me to stick with it because she had no doubts about me.

I know I had a few rough weeks, but I am not fucking failing and I feel like these reports were not true. Also, to add salt to the wound, apparently if you get marks on your progress report you get an email from student success or some shit, and the dumb bitch emailed EVERYONE without blind copying them. Seriously?! What the fuck!? I sent her an email back. I should have replied-all, but I was trying to keep my cool.

Anyways, I know I should cut myself some slack, but those reports totally pissed in my cheerios.

Bearbysitter

This is bear.

My brothers dog.

I am babysitting.

Or, bearbysitting.

She Asked For Me

A always went to bed with a cup of water. For the most part, she usually only drinks a sip or two a night from it, but nevertheless, it's always there for her.

My Mom called me today to tell me last night A woke up in the middle of the night and said "Duuuueee, can you give me some water?"

Ah, sweet baby girl. I miss her, too.

I miss rocking her. I miss her asking for water. I miss her crawling into bed with us. I miss her wake us up as the sun rises requesting demanding cartoons.

Her bed is still up. I sleep with one of her blankets. It's all I have.

I {We} Can Handle This

I'm glad to have a resolution to the custody case, even if it wasn't the resolution we wanted.

Despite that though, I'm sick of hearing about how now that we are child-free, we will be able to "finally" focus on school. If we didn't think we could do school and raise a child, we would have never filed for custody. I made all A's and a B last semester.

It wasn't A that was causing the bumps in the road, it was the stress of the upcoming decision and my father's bullshit. It makes my blood boil every time I hear someone say that to one of us.

Speaking of school, I purchased a planner last week to help me stay focused on what all is due. One of my classes ends next week. It will be nice to be back down to four classes. Advising for the fall semester should be beginning soon. I have need to re-evaluate my schedule to make sure I am on track to get where I want to go.

Anyways, just trying to find my new normal without everyone else telling me how happy I should be.

Downside

The downside to chosing to spend as much time as I can with A while she was here, is being faced with an English paper, Math test, History test (85 questions), and 11 online homework assignments due in 8 hours.

Trying to breathe and focus on one thing at a time, but oh my god, I am feeling overwhelmed. And I miss her. Like mad.

The "bright" side? It'll all be over with this afternoon.

Up-all-nighter, anyone?

Preschool Aged Booster Seat Recommendations?

As you all know, my father is an asshole.

So much so, that he has refused to let K have the car seat he bought for A to use at my Mom's. Oh, isn't he the best grandfather ever? I know, I know, we would all be so lucky to have one juuuuust like him. Not.

I need to help my mom find an affordable, preferably 5-point harness style, booster seat for A. She's almost 50 lbs and 42 inches tall.

Any suggestions?

BTW: I already checked Craigslist, but I didn't see any worth it.

The Day

Today was the day. Last night was horrible. A is obviously struggling with her emotions about this as well, especially being four years old, but she was a hellian last night. I tried for several hours to get her to go to bed to no avail. She was pulling my hair, poking me in the eye, getting up and down. At one point, she even wrapped the scarf around her face and neck. I was at my wits end. She was TIRED but was fighting it every inch. Luckily, she finally passed out around 3 am after I rocked her for about 45 minutes.

I hadn't packed a thing prior to this morning. The furthest I got was some of the clothes off of the hangers and into a pile, but that was it. I woke up late, around 8. I was supposed to be leaving at 8, not waking up. I packed her clothes and toys, it took about an hour and a half to do all of that and get us ready.

On the ride up there, they kept calling every few minutes to see where we were. Once they got close to the meeting spot, I told them to either stay there or head towards me and we could meet in a small town outside of the big city, but it had to be one or the other because it was just a highway and no where to stop. Well, my father, being a dick, told my sister to tell me to just keep driving, and I was annoyed so I told her to tell him to PICK a way. Either stay there or come here. He told her "Tell her to quit being a bitch and keep driving" Are you fucking kidding me? This man is CRAZY. Sure enough, he pulled over to a gas station and told us "to come to him". Whatever.

Before we got there, I stopped and got K and A some drinks and snacks because I know he won't take care of them before they get back to town. (K was very thankful.) Once we got there, I started unloading my car so they could load theirs. After they were pretty much done, my father was like "Where's the paperwork?" I didn't know what the fuck he was talking about, then he said her birth certificate and such, and I told him I left it at the house by accident, but I would mail to them on Monday. Well, holy shit, he went nuts. He yelled at me that I "WAS IN VIOLATION OF A COURT ORDER!" with papers flinging in the air and he started calling his lawyer. I kissed the baby and hugged K goodbye and told her I would mail them on Monday. She rolled her eyes at my father and nodded okay to me.

No sooner than I got on the highway, K called me. She needed help getting the car seat in. Oy vey. I had just asked her before I left if she needed help and she said no. WTH? I turned around and got the kid in safely. Yay! Then, five or so minutes later, they called me AGAIN. This time? It was the baby. :-) She wanted to talk to me. I talked to her for a few minutes and then I told her to call me in a little bit.

I just got back home. I'm doing okay right now. My girlfriend rode with me. She helped me keep my mind off of everything. On the way home, I decided I like the car seat in the back seat. So, I'm going to let it stay for a little bit. It's comforting in an odd way.

I called K to check on them a few minutes ago, apparently A had asked to call me but the phone was in roaming. I can tell she's starting to miss me. She sounded a little down compared to the first call. She'll be alright in a little bit once she sees my Mom.

As for NYEBoy and I, we're about to head out on a date. Dinner and bowling. Our house is quiet for the first time in a year and a half. It's a weird feeling, but I am looking forward to being comforted in his arms tonight.

Thank you all for your support and prayers for us over the past few days, weeks, and months. It's not over. There are adjustments to be made. I'm hopeful we'll all come out the other end alive, battered and bruised, but alive.

Last Day

Today is my last day to pack her lunch.
Steak quesadilla, chips and salsa, celery sticks, applesauce, yogurt, and strawberry milk.

Today is my last day to get her ready for school.
Bath, hair, clothes, teeth, breakfast, and cartoons.

Today is my last day to take her to school.
Three point six miles.

Today is my last day to sign her in.
A kiss goodbye.

Today is my last day to go to school after dropping her off.
Counting down the minutes until I see her sweet face again.

Today is the last day I will visit her school classroom for a party.
No holiday, just a farewell.

Today is the last day I will sign her out of school.
Presents for the teachers monogrammed travel cups and a picture of A.

Today is the last day we eat what she wants to eat.
Rosies pizza, sausage only.

Today is the last time we will go see a movie for her.
Gnomeo and Juliet

Tonight is the last night I will rock her to sleep.
Slight jerking movements give me the sign.

Tonight is the last night she sleeps with me.
Kick me all night. Stay on my side of the bed. Forever. Please.

Tonight is the last night that I go to sleep knowing she is safe and being cared for.
Jesus watch over her when I can't.

Crying In Class

I knew it wasn't a matter of if, but rather when. I cried in class yesterday. It was during math class. We were going over some things and I was having a tough time grasping the concepts we were going over. As someone who wants to get their degree in mathematics, when looking at a sheet of paper you should notice more than letters and numbers, but not yesterday. I did okay the first lesson (we have two a day), but the second lesson threw me for a loop. All I could think about was that I had a test over all this on Monday.

All I could think about was tomorrow (now, today) I would have to pack her toys and clothes.

All I could think about was how I would be spending half of Friday in school before going to A's "See you later!" party.

All I could think about was after going to her party, we would be taking her to dinner and a movie.

All I could think about was how when we returned from the movie, it would be my last time to rock her to sleep.

All I could think about was how the next morning she would tell her Uncle NYEBoy goodbye as my friend and I drove the four hours until we had to say goodbye.

All I could think about was how I would either be in denial the whole trip home or I would be a mess and unable to drive.

All I could think about was when I returned home, even if I decided to cry in my bed, her bed would be empty beside it.

All I could think about was how I only had Saturday evening and Sunday to study for two major tests, complete a paper and several online homework assignments.

The next thing I knew, I was wiping tears from my eyes, hoping my mascara wasn't smearing, and hoping no one else noticed. After class ended, I stayed behind to talk to my Math professor. I showed her my new planner and told her I had a huge favor to ask her. I told her everything I had just thought about in class and how I would love it if there would be any way possible to take the test on Tuesday. She wasn't very happy, but she understood my pain. As luck would have it, she teaches at NYEBoy's school on Tuesday evenings and I would be able to go with him to school and take the test while he was going to his class.

It's a double edge sword, knowing you'll be caught back up with the school work after she's gone. (This isn't the same thing as not being able to go to school and parent, by the way. More on that in another post.)

This Is Why

This is why we picked her school.

It's because they care.

It's because when I pick up A, tears well up in their eyes as they know it's almost time to say goodbye.



It sucks.

It all fucking sucks.

And for what?

Her Things

I have to go through her things before Saturday. I have to pick out the toys and clothes I'm going to let her leave with. I want her to have some familiar things to take with her as she goes through this transition, but I also know I won't be getting any of these things back.

Some of the things will go with her.
Some of the things I will save for her when she grows up.
Some of the things I will resell.

But, I don't get to go through these things on my terms. I have to to do it now--this week. I wanted to be able to decide how and when I mourn. I didn't want someone else telling me when and how to.

Some of the things will be easy to part with, but others will not. It will be easy to send her barbie house and barbie dolls, because she uses those on a daily basis. But what about the backpack I had her name monogrammed on, the one that matches mine?

It'll be hard being forced to go through these things before Saturday, but what happens when I come back home Saturday night, to an empty house with toys and clothes that have been cherry picked through and she's not here any more?

Then what?

No Time To Retreat

I wish I could take this week off even though I took off most of last week, but I can't.

I glanced at my Math calendar last night and I have a quiz today. A quiz on six lessons I haven't even looked at. I'm not sure what I was thinking when I decided to take an express session during such a life changing time. This sucks. I'm going to talk with my professor today to see if she thinks I should stay where I am at or if I could take the next express session of this same class at the end of the month. I'm not making below a B, but I feel like I should be more focused on these lessons and I am struggling to find the balance this week.

I want to soak up every single possible moment I can with her this week. I want her sleeping on my chest like she did when she was a baby. I want to eat whatever she wants to eat. I want to make messes and clean them up next week. I don't want to have to tell her to go watch a movie or play by herself so I can catch up on school work. I wouldn't and don't feel like parents should feel guilty about this in a normal situtation, but this isn't normal, and she'll be gone in four days.

Who cares about an upcoming test and paper due next week when the light of your life will be dimmed come Saturday. I'm struggling to find a healthy balance.

As my luck would have it, my phone started going off last night around 1:30 am. Thugboy sent 16 threatening text messages about how the Lord answered his prayers and my blood shall be smeared for my sins. I called the police in Memphi$ but there isn't anything they can do because it's his phone. They told me to file a report with my local police if I felt the need. I do, so I am, hopefully this afternoon or tomorrow since I have classes all day today. He's a fucking nut and I wouldn't put it past his crazy ass.

I feel terribly guilty for sending A off to school this morning when all I want to do is soak up every waking moment with her. I have no choice though. The school semester is continuing with or without me.

Last Visit To Church

A and I went to church today. I could have easily slept in this morning, but having been asked to be on the prayer list last week for the court hearing, I felt they deserved to see her one last time, too.

We arrived moments before the service started. As I was looking for our name tags on the board, a lady walked up to me asking how the court hearing went. I was caught off guard, but I shook my head no. As she leaned in to hug me, I whispered in her ear that A was going back next Saturday. She told me she was so very sorry. I took a deep breath and went to our seats. Luckily, the service was starting so I was able to avoid any more questions for a little bit at least.

After the children go to Sunday school, our pastor opens up the floor to prayer requests. During this time, the pastor announces a few requests she's been given prior to the service and then people stand up to announce their requests. They vary from safe travels, to being sick, to cancer, and deaths. The pastor informed the congregation that despite the prayers, our court hearing did not go as hoped this past week and that A would be returning to her mother next week. I nearly lost it. My eyes welled up and I had to remember to breathe. The lady sitting next to me patted my back. I barely held it back. Barely.

During the service, I tried to listen to the message, but I kept thinking about how next Sunday, she wouldn't be there. As I looked out of the window at the barren trees, I thought about our photo shoot last week and how I won't get to redeem the free coupon the photographer gave us. I tried to stop myself from spiralling and made myself listen to the message. As I sat there, I thought, this message has nothing to do with me. I couldn't feel anything from the message. What was I supposed to take from this sermon? I stopped wondering and started listening.

Today's scripture was Matthew 5:13-16. I replayed the bit the Sunday school teacher told the little ones in my mind to see if I could catch up. She talked about two things about the light of Christ that I felt were speaking to me. She said in order to receive the light, you can't let things get between you and the light and you can't turn away from the light.

I could very easily be screaming right now that God doesn't care and turn my back on him. I could be screaming that if he cared about A, he would have left her with me. As much as I may think these things for a fleeting moment, I am going to continue going to church. I may be walking in alone, but I know I truly never am.

After the service was over, several people came up to me telling me how sorry they were. They may have only met A a few times, but every Sunday several people have stopped me to tell me how lovely she is. It's clear they care and I know they will continue to pray for her.

Before we left, I snapped a picture of A and the Pastor. Next Sunday it will be even harder to walk in alone.

Two Down, One To Go

I took my Mom and Grandma to the airport this morning. We left the house around 3:30 am after I was able to get a 20-something minute nap. What can I say, I couldn't sleep. On the way down there, I did really well until about the last hour, and then my body was like "Girlfriend, we need to talk."

I finally got them to the airport and promptly found the nearest gas station to down half a 5-hour energy. I've never had one of those, but I needed to try something. It was gross, but it seemed to work a little bit off and on. We finally made it home before two.


[A fell asleep 30 minutes before we hit the city. I guess the iPad can wear you out.]

I took about a four hour nap as soon as we got home. The first thing I did when I woke up was take a shower. I'm feeling a bit better. I just hope my sleep schedule isn't totally screwed tonight. We're trying to figure out the plans for dinner as we have a low-key evening.

I have a lot of school work to catch up on before Monday. A also requested to go to Chuck E Cheese tomorrow after church. It kills me A won't be here a week from this moment.

They're Going Back Home

I'm leaving in a few hours to drive the four and a half hours to the 0rlando airport so my Mom and Grandma can catch their flight. They have a 10:30 flight, which means we need to leave here around 3 in the morning. I'm not looking forward to that.

I didn't want to drive the four and a half hours back to Ta11ahassee by myself, so I convinced my girlfriend to drive with us. Of course, she said yes. I was relieved as I wasn't sure how I was going to keep my mind occupied with anything other than A going back next weekend.

Speaking of, it sucks. I wish I could take off this next week from school, but I really can't. We'll make the best of it any way. We're going to take her to the movies on Friday to see Gnome & Juliet. She'll also have a party at school that day to say goodbye to her friends at school.

A few of you have asked if I will be a part of her life when she goes back, and truthfully, I don't see K being open to that. She hates me. She hates my 'parenting' style. She doesn't care about A or me. She only cares about herself. I can't decide what I want to do about that. I'm debating on a photo book, a build a bear with my voice, a hallmark recordable story, or some type of jewelry. Maybe I'll do a mix of those.

Thank you all for your support. The emails, text messages, phone calls, and blog comments show us you all feel the exact same way we do. Thank you.

All We Could

We did all we could, but in the end, it wasn't enough.

She goes back to K next Saturday.

The judge said, had this been a divorce case, we would have won hands down.

The Day

This is it.

Today a decision will be made.

All information has been discussed. There are points to be made.

Lets just hope it's enough to convince a judge the right thing is to keep A in a safe, stable environment.

I'll update everyone as soon as I can. We're expecting anywhere from a 4 to 7 hour hearing.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers and thank you so much for your support during this difficult time.

Already Complaining

NYEBoy left with the car this morning. He didn't know I was going to meet my dad and K with the baby for a visitation. It wasn't court ordered or scheduled, just mutually agreed upon. Well, when I woke up and he was gone, I had to tell K that I was trying to get a hold of him and I would call her back.

What do they do? Do they wait patiently and realize it's a miscommunication? an accident? No.

They fucking call and complain to the lawyer telling them I am trying to prevent them from seeing the baby on purpose. Are you fucking KIDDING ME?

This is bullshit. It's a fucking game to my dad. I called my sister back and said "WTH? Why are the lawyers involved? I told you I would call you back as soon as he called me" and I heard my dad say "Yeah I called the lawyers"

Fuck you. It's not about the fucking kid. It's just a GAME. And it's sick.

I'm trying to think positively, but it's so hard.

One more day, one more day.

Nothing Else Matters

I have a Biology and Math test tomorrow. I had planned to go in for my tests this week, but I just can't seem to clear my thoughts enough to study.

Nothing else matters right now. Sigh.