Actually, that should say, I am afraid to have another miscarriage.
Before my miscarriage, I didn't and to an extent, still don't, have any reservations about being pregnant and going to school. Obviously if health complications arise, that's a whole 'nother issue.
But, I am afraid to have another miscarriage while I'm in school.
Having to take off from school like this again will likely send me over the edge. Since we don't know what caused the miscarriage, there is even a bigger question mark standing on my shoulders.
Was it from the chromosome disorder I have?
Was it because I have something we don't know about?
Was it just 'nature'?
I'll likely never know, unless I have another one and we're able to do testing.
And that, is my biggest fear.
2 comments:
Remember, having PCOS increases our risks more than double that of an average woman.
http://www.sharedjourney.com/miscarriage-and-pcos.html
I understand exactly what you're saying. I don't know what caused mine either, but I DO know I'm going to put them through the absolute ringer checking my progesterone levels, HCG levels, etc frequently throughout my pregnancy provided I get pregnant again.
I know you don't want to hear it, but it is true... at least you know you obvulated and were able to conceive. Regardless of how it ended, you were still able to conceive... and use this as a learning experience, something that you're thankful to have gotten out of the way, and now you know what to look for if/when you get pregnant again some day.
When I had my miscarriage, I took comfort in knowing at least I knew I could do it on my own; maybe I needed some additional help after the initial conception; but, I was still able to do it on my own. No, it didn't end like I wanted it to and we were absolutely heart broken, but I was thankful to know my body was able to ovulate; albeit every 6 months or so, but I still did it on my own.
I get your feelings though, truly do. After my miscarriage in 2006; it was one of my deepest, darkest, most depressing times of my life, and I remember going to the doctor multiple times convinced I was dying; all becasue they told me I had a cyst on my right ovary when they did the last ultrasound... I spun it around that I was dying of Ovarian Cancer, and that was the reason why I miscarried. I was put on 20mg Citalopram for 6 months and felt 800% better and back to myself 6 or so months later and was able to go off of it. I'm back on it + Wellbutrin and Adderall for other reasons, but just know these feelings are normal, and you just have to do what you can do to get through.
I remember after ours; I was sitting on the floor sorting/folding socks and I LOST MY SHIT because folding socks was too much to handle. I literally had the urge to strangle someone if I could. I cannot explain the fear and extremely horrible thoughts that encompassed my thoughts... it was horrible, but I made it.
Hang in there. xoxoxo
The timing of everything was so abrupt that you didn't even get a minute to feel the joy of knowing you were pregnant. Everything had to focus on the diagnosis and handling miscarriage and of course, the hormones which are now so out of whack. In the time I've been reading your blog, I thought there was no hope that you could get pregnant without IVF or other invasive means.
So this i felt happy for you, but of course, felt so much sadness at your loss. Sounds like you are on a good path, despite many challenges and much pain. Keep on keeping on. And good luck with German, something i couldn't conquer.
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