Have you ever heard of the saying "Think before you speak"? We all have, I thought. Apparently after you have a miscarriage, no one remembers that, though.
I understand when you find out someone has lost a pregnancy it's difficult to know exactly what to say. When you add in the element of not knowing they were pregnant, it's an even bigger shock for all involved, but still.
Over the past week, I have had a few people say things that have left me thinking "Did that really just come out of their mouth?"
Before I even get into what NOT to say, can I please ask that you at least say SOMETHING? If you are related to this person or talk to them on a regular basis, it is NOT "OK" to remain silent. The silence is just as hurtful as the ignorant comments.
As for what NOT to say...
Do NOT say, "Well, at least you know you can get pregnant now!" Pregnancy does not = live, healthy baby. Pregnancies that end in a miscarriage just add another element of stress to an already stressful time.
Do NOT say, "Well, you know, this is nature's way of taking care of..well, you know.." Just... No. Don't go there. It doesn't make us feel better about what happened. It just makes us want to punch YOU in the face.
Do NOT say, "Why are you trying to have a baby and you're in school?" Why does anyone have kids-ever? I'm 27 years old. Let me live my life.
Do NOT say, "Well, this is God's plan." Really, this is God's plan? Why does God give shitty people kids, but not us?
Do NOT say, "At least it was early." 4 weeks or 40 weeks, it's still a loss. A loss of a dream, a loss of a child, a loss you never wanted to experience.
If you don't know WHAT to say, I can help.
You CAN say, "I'm sorry." I'm sorry too.
You CAN say, "I'm praying for you." I'm praying too.
You CAN say, "I'm thinking about you." It makes us not feel so alone.
You CAN say, "It's not your fault." Women don't always know why they miscarry, but it's hard to not think that it could have been prevented. It helps when someone tells us it's not our fault.
Whether its an email, text message, blog comment, phone call, tweet or Facebook comment, just let them know you care. It's tough to go through a miscarriage.