Keeping A Secret

I've been keeping a secret. I've been hesitant to share it, in part because I know my family reads my blog. I don't know, though. I feel like I need to share it with you all. I feel like I've been hiding how well I am feeling lately. I worry that by blogging about my true feelings, my family members that do talk to me will keep from being open with about how A is doing.

I received an email from an aunt with pictures of A's birthday party. I read the message, but didn't open the pictures. I didn't know how I wanted to respond to it, so I waited to discuss it with my therapist before responding. More on that later. (And btw, if you are that aunt, and are reading this. I got your email. I will be responding.) A few days after talking to my therapist, I decided to look at the pictures. There were about forty or so pictures.

My mom and I had talked about her opening the box we sent, but I wasn't prepared enough to look at them. She told me that when A opened the box she did okay until she saw the present I sent that was like a light-up picture frame that you can write on. I had put the batteries in it and signed it "InDueTime {heart}'s A".

What people don't know is that A would often ask me to write our names. She loved that.

Sigh. This is the picture of my mother's words.



Words can't describe the sadness I see in her face. It broke my heart. And I cried. A lot.

I couldn't even come up with the courage enough to share it with NYEBoy because I knew he would feel the exact same way I did.

I miss that kid. So, so, so much. It reminded me that the grief I've been feeling since Feb 12th, is also being felt by her, too. It's easy to forget that. And the sad thing is that she doesn't have anyone to talk to her about it or to help her through her waves.