You Seem Happier

I haven't talked to my mom in two months. I haven't been blogging about it, because quite frankly, I didn't understand exactly why. One day she stopped returning my phone calls or emails, and that day turned into weeks, which turned into months.

I suspected it had something to do with the nosey assholes in my family who read my blog and brought something up to my mother, but I wasn't for sure since obviously she hadn't been speaking to me. I also suspected a few other things that I won't blog about that are private matters, but it's suffice to say that I struggled with not talking to her or know why we weren't speaking.

Yes, my mother and I don't have the best relationship in the world, but it's human nature to want to speak to your mother.

Well, yesterday I had a family emergency to deal with that I had to get a hold of my mother about. I will not blog about what it was because it is a sensitive subject, but I'll just say no one is dead.

I wasn't sure if my mom would return my call/email or not, but she eventually did. At first, we just spoke about the emergency. After the initial shock of that discussion, my mom said "Well, I have been talking to you because..." Apparently she has either read my blog or was told about a certain blog post by those nosey asshole family members and she took the post the WRONG way. Even after I explained why I wrote the post, I still didn't get the feeling that she understands what I meant when I wrote it, but it was NEVER about HER in particular.

She went on to say "Well, you seem to be happy now. I've been reading what you write on Facebook and you seem like you're doing better without us so I just left you alone" Are you KIDDING ME? Clearly the woman doesn't read this blog on a daily basis, nor does she get the privy of being in my weekly therapy sessions, but I haven't just been "HAPPY". I've been struggling. Hard.

Dealing with the loss of A was hard enough, but not talking to my mother, after being somewhat close for the past year or two, was adding another amount of pressure.

I told her, yes I do have some things in my life I am happy about, but what she doesn't see is me not getting out of bed, not taking a shower, being depressed, crying, struggling with the grief. She doesn't see the text messages and emails from concerned friends.

I will never be okay with having the distant relationship with A like I have right now, but life still goes on. If I didn't allow myself to find some joy in life, I would be better off ending it. I can't dwell every waking minute on negative thoughts and feelings.

I have happy moments in my life, but a piece of my heart is 500 miles away from me and will always been missing as long as she is not in my life.

Nothing else will fill that void.

So, no, I am not happier with her gone. I will never been happier with her gone. I will be happy again one day, but never happier with her gone.