A and I went to church today. I could have easily slept in this morning, but having been asked to be on the prayer list last week for the court hearing, I felt they deserved to see her one last time, too.
We arrived moments before the service started. As I was looking for our name tags on the board, a lady walked up to me asking how the court hearing went. I was caught off guard, but I shook my head no. As she leaned in to hug me, I whispered in her ear that A was going back next Saturday. She told me she was so very sorry. I took a deep breath and went to our seats. Luckily, the service was starting so I was able to avoid any more questions for a little bit at least.
After the children go to Sunday school, our pastor opens up the floor to prayer requests. During this time, the pastor announces a few requests she's been given prior to the service and then people stand up to announce their requests. They vary from safe travels, to being sick, to cancer, and deaths. The pastor informed the congregation that despite the prayers, our court hearing did not go as hoped this past week and that A would be returning to her mother next week. I nearly lost it. My eyes welled up and I had to remember to breathe. The lady sitting next to me patted my back. I barely held it back. Barely.
During the service, I tried to listen to the message, but I kept thinking about how next Sunday, she wouldn't be there. As I looked out of the window at the barren trees, I thought about our photo shoot last week and how I won't get to redeem the free coupon the photographer gave us. I tried to stop myself from spiralling and made myself listen to the message. As I sat there, I thought, this message has nothing to do with me. I couldn't feel anything from the message. What was I supposed to take from this sermon? I stopped wondering and started listening.
Today's scripture was Matthew 5:13-16. I replayed the bit the Sunday school teacher told the little ones in my mind to see if I could catch up. She talked about two things about the light of Christ that I felt were speaking to me. She said in order to receive the light, you can't let things get between you and the light and you can't turn away from the light.
I could very easily be screaming right now that God doesn't care and turn my back on him. I could be screaming that if he cared about A, he would have left her with me. As much as I may think these things for a fleeting moment, I am going to continue going to church. I may be walking in alone, but I know I truly never am.
After the service was over, several people came up to me telling me how sorry they were. They may have only met A a few times, but every Sunday several people have stopped me to tell me how lovely she is. It's clear they care and I know they will continue to pray for her.
Before we left, I snapped a picture of A and the Pastor. Next Sunday it will be even harder to walk in alone.
6 comments:
Oh I am crying buckets of tears for you and A right now (which is mildly embarrassing as I am at work). I've been away from blogs for a few weeks and what a time I have missed.
My heart just aches for you and A and NYEBoy. All I can say is that you are all in my thoughts, and I pray that somehow K can wake up to the games your family plays and realise that it is you and NYEBoy that can love and support her, and keep A in your life.
All my love
xxxx
Oh honey...I am just devastated for you. It sounds like you have a wonderful, supportive church home and I'm so glad you can find comfort there. {{{Hugs}}} and prayers.
I'm so sorry. ((HUGS))
I am sorry for you all also. I hope the judge was wise enough to put some conditions and protections on his order.
A person's personality becomes fully formed during the first 5 years of life. A spent the most important year with you, with and without her mother. You have made a valuable contribution to her success as a person. You have given her a tangible gift and have improved not only her days while with you, but also her future.
You and your husband sacrificed youth, fun, finances, opportunities for this little girl. She is on a better path because of your sacrifices.
I am so impressed with what you have done and what you risked. It will be painful when she leaves, but you know how strong you are, you will feel the pain and love her and you will keep living. Good things lie ahead, it's going to take a little while to feel them.
my heart is breaking for both you, NYEBoy and A. There isn't really anything more that can be said, other then I have been and will continue to pray for you all.
Oh, my GOD. I used to read you a lot and then somehow accidentally stopped. I just can't believe what you're going through. I'm so, so sorry that it's taken this turn. I cried reading this. How completely horrible. I'm sending you good thoughts and best wishes and love.
Post a Comment