I knew it wasn't a matter of if, but rather when. I cried in class yesterday. It was during math class. We were going over some things and I was having a tough time grasping the concepts we were going over. As someone who wants to get their degree in mathematics, when looking at a sheet of paper you should notice more than letters and numbers, but not yesterday. I did okay the first lesson (we have two a day), but the second lesson threw me for a loop. All I could think about was that I had a test over all this on Monday.
All I could think about was tomorrow (now, today) I would have to pack her toys and clothes.
All I could think about was how I would be spending half of Friday in school before going to A's "See you later!" party.
All I could think about was after going to her party, we would be taking her to dinner and a movie.
All I could think about was how when we returned from the movie, it would be my last time to rock her to sleep.
All I could think about was how the next morning she would tell her Uncle NYEBoy goodbye as my friend and I drove the four hours until we had to say goodbye.
All I could think about was how I would either be in denial the whole trip home or I would be a mess and unable to drive.
All I could think about was when I returned home, even if I decided to cry in my bed, her bed would be empty beside it.
All I could think about was how I only had Saturday evening and Sunday to study for two major tests, complete a paper and several online homework assignments.
The next thing I knew, I was wiping tears from my eyes, hoping my mascara wasn't smearing, and hoping no one else noticed. After class ended, I stayed behind to talk to my Math professor. I showed her my new planner and told her I had a huge favor to ask her. I told her everything I had just thought about in class and how I would love it if there would be any way possible to take the test on Tuesday. She wasn't very happy, but she understood my pain. As luck would have it, she teaches at NYEBoy's school on Tuesday evenings and I would be able to go with him to school and take the test while he was going to his class.
It's a double edge sword, knowing you'll be caught back up with the school work after she's gone. (This isn't the same thing as not being able to go to school and parent, by the way. More on that in another post.)
2 comments:
I completely understand where you're coming from.
I won't go into detail about why, but I was crying uncontrollably all morning, and I had to get to work. I managed to drive in, get in to see my principal and take off my hat, and as soon as she said "how're you doing?" I started crying - again. 5 or so minutes later, I was back in my car headed home. (This is while on anti-depression meds, too) Better than bursting into tears in front of a bunch of elementary school kids, but still humiliating.
I'm thankful that I have a few things to distract me - research, knitting, cleaning out the office, etc. but I'd much rather have a test to focus on than fluff. The busier I am, the more I can suppress the grief, rage, whatever is eating my soul right now.
Busy is a good thing. I am so sorry you have to deal with all of this. I'm sending good thoughts and strength to you.
*hugs*
I'm so devastated and angry for you. I'm praying that God's always watching A closely and keeps her safe and happy. I wish you could steal her away and they could never find you.
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