I can't remember who it was, but when this all went down in August, someone tweeted to me that these emotions are going to be like waves. I'm going to have to stand back and let them come in, then they will leave again. It's so true.
It seems like for a few days or so, I'll feel okay, then not so much. Last week was a rough week for me. I'm not even really sure why it was so tough, but I couldn't shake it until Friday afternoon. All week long, I was having trouble focusing on school, at home I was having trouble relaxing. Every day was anxiety filled.
Thursday afternoon, we got their written response to the petition. I knew to expect lies, but it's another thing to see them typed in a legal document. I get it, they are grasping for straws, but seriously, why are they allowed to lie in an official court document? Isn't this called perjury? My initial reaction was anger, but now I'm ready to skip everything and head straight to the court room. I'm ready to be questioned. I'm ready for the truth to come out.
In the papers, they say K has started parenting and drug dependency classes. I find it funny to see that someone who claims to "not have a drug problem" and to be a "wonderful parent" to take these classes without the courts requesting. It's like my neighbor says, who takes DUI classes before getting a DUI? A guilty person. If you're such a wonderful parent who doesn't have a problem with drugs, why wouldn't you say "prove it" first?
These next few weeks are going to be crazy. We have our first visitation with them coming up in the next few weeks. They are going to be heart broken on Monday when their lawyer reminds them the court documents say it has to be supervised and I'm enforcing it.
It's exhausting, but worth it. Somebody has to fight for this precious child's future.
Monday, September 27
Wednesday, September 22
Behind My Back
When it comes to people talking about me behind my back about me, I'm fine. When people talk about me behind my back about my ability to care for A, I'm not.
Now mind you, I know these people don't have a whole hell of a lot to talk about because I am a damn good caregiver, and they know this, but it doesn't stop them from nit-picking.
Do I get credit for keeping A clothed and fed, which was more than her parents could do half of the time? No.
Do I get credit for keeping A properly bathed, which was more than her parents could do half of the time? No.
Do I get credit for getting A's immunizations, which was more than her parents ever did? No.
Do I get credit for A being in school, which was more than her parents ever did? No.
You know what I get credit for? Her dirty shoes. Yes people, dirty shoes.
A has at least ten pairs of shoes, all either bought second hand (always gently used, never worse than) or on deep clearance. (I'm cheap.) Most of them? I can't keep clean. Why? Because A is hard on shoes. I figured it was just because she was a child, but apparently it's because I suck.
I'm okay with that, though. I'll take her dirty shoes as a sign that she is enjoying her childhood over the stress of worrying if she's being properly cared for any day of the week.
Now mind you, I know these people don't have a whole hell of a lot to talk about because I am a damn good caregiver, and they know this, but it doesn't stop them from nit-picking.
Do I get credit for keeping A clothed and fed, which was more than her parents could do half of the time? No.
Do I get credit for keeping A properly bathed, which was more than her parents could do half of the time? No.
Do I get credit for getting A's immunizations, which was more than her parents ever did? No.
Do I get credit for A being in school, which was more than her parents ever did? No.
You know what I get credit for? Her dirty shoes. Yes people, dirty shoes.
A has at least ten pairs of shoes, all either bought second hand (always gently used, never worse than) or on deep clearance. (I'm cheap.) Most of them? I can't keep clean. Why? Because A is hard on shoes. I figured it was just because she was a child, but apparently it's because I suck.
I'm okay with that, though. I'll take her dirty shoes as a sign that she is enjoying her childhood over the stress of worrying if she's being properly cared for any day of the week.
Tuesday, September 21
Second Thoughts
I'm having second thoughts. Since being in school, my urge to be a teacher instead of a nurse has gone up tremendously. It's the exact same feeling I got when I decided to go back to school in the first place. It's the desire burning inside of me saying "This is what you're supposed to be doing." Don't get me wrong, I love the medical field and the career of nursing is still at the top of my list, but teaching is right beside it.
In fact, I'm meeting with a professor this afternoon to discuss the pros and cons of nursing and teaching. I've even come up with a two, four, ten, and fifty year plan. Yes, I'm that anal.
I'm torn, and maybe after the meeting this afternoon I will have a clearer picture of things, but for now, I'm looking for more advice. I would love advice from teachers. I'm thinking of going into mathematics. NYEBoy's school offers a double major program where you major in science or math, but you also earn your teaching stuff. This sounds really appealing to me. Ideally, I would love to teach K-12. I think right now, I may have it narrowed down to middle or high school, but that's still debatable.
Here's my big dilemma. I will be 30 when I graduate in four years. As soon as we graduate, I plan on trying to get pregnant with medical assistance. Assuming I get pregnant within the first year or two, this puts me at 31-32 of having our first child. I would not want to work full time until that child is able to start preschool, which puts me at 35-ish before I would be ready to start my teaching career. Now mind you, this is assuming we only have four kids, and I've already made it clear I want at least 2-4, be it biological or adoption.
So, what I'm torn about is whether or not 35-40 is too old to start a teaching career? Assuming I live a healthy-long life, there is still the potential to teach for 20-35 years. I would probably be willing to tutor in math, or something part-time while doing treatments and raising our family, but I just don't think I would be willing to sacrifice those first few years of motherhood having waited so long.
What do you think? If you're a teacher, do you teach because you have to or because you enjoy it? Do you find the salary vs. time you spend working in and out of the class worth it? If you could go into another career, would you or are you happy with teaching? Are there any Math teachers that read my blog?
In fact, I'm meeting with a professor this afternoon to discuss the pros and cons of nursing and teaching. I've even come up with a two, four, ten, and fifty year plan. Yes, I'm that anal.
I'm torn, and maybe after the meeting this afternoon I will have a clearer picture of things, but for now, I'm looking for more advice. I would love advice from teachers. I'm thinking of going into mathematics. NYEBoy's school offers a double major program where you major in science or math, but you also earn your teaching stuff. This sounds really appealing to me. Ideally, I would love to teach K-12. I think right now, I may have it narrowed down to middle or high school, but that's still debatable.
Here's my big dilemma. I will be 30 when I graduate in four years. As soon as we graduate, I plan on trying to get pregnant with medical assistance. Assuming I get pregnant within the first year or two, this puts me at 31-32 of having our first child. I would not want to work full time until that child is able to start preschool, which puts me at 35-ish before I would be ready to start my teaching career. Now mind you, this is assuming we only have four kids, and I've already made it clear I want at least 2-4, be it biological or adoption.
So, what I'm torn about is whether or not 35-40 is too old to start a teaching career? Assuming I live a healthy-long life, there is still the potential to teach for 20-35 years. I would probably be willing to tutor in math, or something part-time while doing treatments and raising our family, but I just don't think I would be willing to sacrifice those first few years of motherhood having waited so long.
What do you think? If you're a teacher, do you teach because you have to or because you enjoy it? Do you find the salary vs. time you spend working in and out of the class worth it? If you could go into another career, would you or are you happy with teaching? Are there any Math teachers that read my blog?
Sunday, September 19
A Month
My anxiety levels are through the roof this morning. It comes in waves. Sometimes I feel very good about how everything is going, and then I suddenly feel like there is no way we're going to win. I've seen it hit each of us-my mom, NYEBoy, and I- at different times through out the past month. You never really feel it creeping up on you until its there. But, when you feel it? It's the heaviest, uneasiest feeling you've ever felt. Your stomach is in knots. You don't feel like eating. You barely want to move or think about working. It sucks. It really sucks. It's hard to believe she was served a month ago today. Sometimes it feels like yesterday, and other times it feel like this all happened awhile ago.
My father told A they would be in town very soon. She asked* him to come down in three weeks. He told her they would be down here much sooner than that. I've contacted the officer involved in our case to find out if they have a hearing for her criminal charges soon. I hope she calls me back today or tomorrow. We still don't have a pending court date for the custody case yet, nor has a response to our petition been filed. On one hand, this is a good thing because we can't afford to hand over several hundred dollars right now, but on the other hand, the waiting brings scary thoughts.
My father and K have mentioned several times when talking to A that they will be moving down here and getting their own place for A to have her own bedroom. It really pisses me off that they tell her these things when they don't even know what is going to happen legally in the next few weeks or months, but it also worries the hell out of me at the same time.
It's hard to think about and plan for the future when you're so unsure of how one woman is going to rule. We've started talking about Halloween costumes with A, but even then, I stop myself to ask if she's even going to be here then. I hope she will, but will she? Will the judge look at the evidence and feel the same way we do? Or, will my father beable to con yet another person with his personality?
It's hard to tell. I try to take it day by day, but on days like today, it's hour by hour.
*A always asks everyone to come down in (x) days/weeks whenever she talks to them on the phone. X being whatever number she comes up with-500, 42, 3, 78.
My father told A they would be in town very soon. She asked* him to come down in three weeks. He told her they would be down here much sooner than that. I've contacted the officer involved in our case to find out if they have a hearing for her criminal charges soon. I hope she calls me back today or tomorrow. We still don't have a pending court date for the custody case yet, nor has a response to our petition been filed. On one hand, this is a good thing because we can't afford to hand over several hundred dollars right now, but on the other hand, the waiting brings scary thoughts.
My father and K have mentioned several times when talking to A that they will be moving down here and getting their own place for A to have her own bedroom. It really pisses me off that they tell her these things when they don't even know what is going to happen legally in the next few weeks or months, but it also worries the hell out of me at the same time.
It's hard to think about and plan for the future when you're so unsure of how one woman is going to rule. We've started talking about Halloween costumes with A, but even then, I stop myself to ask if she's even going to be here then. I hope she will, but will she? Will the judge look at the evidence and feel the same way we do? Or, will my father beable to con yet another person with his personality?
It's hard to tell. I try to take it day by day, but on days like today, it's hour by hour.
*A always asks everyone to come down in (x) days/weeks whenever she talks to them on the phone. X being whatever number she comes up with-500, 42, 3, 78.
Thursday, September 16
Stages of Grief
It just dawned on me. I'm experiencing the stages of grief over the situation with K. The stages of grief are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I think along with denial, one feels pain and guilt before moving on to anger. At first, I was in denial all this was actually happening. I was living it, sure, my body felt the stress, but I could literally sit down, and think I was watching a movie. After that, came the pain and guilt. The pain that my sister would dare do this to us after everything we've done for her. The guilt of maybe I could have done more. Realitically I know in my heart I did the right thing, and it was the best I could do. Now? I'm feeling anger.
I'm angry because of the shit she's put us through. I'm angry of the toll the financial portion of this battle is putting on the relationship between NYEBoy and I. I'm angry because we don't have the level of support I would like from my family. I'm angry my father and K are conspiring against us every time the phone rings. I'm tired of my lawyer calling me because K, mainly my father-I'm sure, have a new complaint.
This morning, I'm packing the remaining items K left. I'm not sad about it. I'm ready to get them the fuck out of the house. I'm so very angry with the whole situation right now. I know I have a right to be upset, so I'm letting myself feel this.
It's tough. All of this is tough. I want time to move forward, but at the same time, stand still. I'm worried about court. Its easy for me, or you, to see what K has done, but it's another thing to open the judge's eyes to everything we've been going through. I want so much for A to continue to have stability, something my father nor K can offer at this moment.
I'm angry because of the shit she's put us through. I'm angry of the toll the financial portion of this battle is putting on the relationship between NYEBoy and I. I'm angry because we don't have the level of support I would like from my family. I'm angry my father and K are conspiring against us every time the phone rings. I'm tired of my lawyer calling me because K, mainly my father-I'm sure, have a new complaint.
This morning, I'm packing the remaining items K left. I'm not sad about it. I'm ready to get them the fuck out of the house. I'm so very angry with the whole situation right now. I know I have a right to be upset, so I'm letting myself feel this.
It's tough. All of this is tough. I want time to move forward, but at the same time, stand still. I'm worried about court. Its easy for me, or you, to see what K has done, but it's another thing to open the judge's eyes to everything we've been going through. I want so much for A to continue to have stability, something my father nor K can offer at this moment.
Monday, September 13
First Big Test
I have my first big test in college this week. I'm nervous as hell. Actually, nervous would be an understatement. I don't think I will feel very comfortable about taking tests in college until I get this first grade back, and even then, depending on the grade, I'll either be confident or even more scared.
Since I really need to get back to this essay and studying for a test, I'll leave you with a funny thing that happened earlier.
While I was giving A a bath, she was playing with her bath crayons. We were working on her letters she's learned (A, B, and C) and will be learning this week (D), when she decided she was done writing words. Instead, she wanted me to help her write an essay. I started laughing. Someone's been hanging around people who go to college too much. We're only about to start week four of school, but I'm already on my sixth essay. Fun times, people, fun times.
Wish me luck this week, will ya? I'm sure I'll need it.
Since I really need to get back to this essay and studying for a test, I'll leave you with a funny thing that happened earlier.
While I was giving A a bath, she was playing with her bath crayons. We were working on her letters she's learned (A, B, and C) and will be learning this week (D), when she decided she was done writing words. Instead, she wanted me to help her write an essay. I started laughing. Someone's been hanging around people who go to college too much. We're only about to start week four of school, but I'm already on my sixth essay. Fun times, people, fun times.
Wish me luck this week, will ya? I'm sure I'll need it.
Wednesday, September 8
School Project
Let me first start off by saying, I love school! No, really. I do. I enjoy it much more than I ever thought possible.
I should be finishing up some school work right this very moment, but I need to ask a favor. Word to the wise, no matter how much work you do a head of time, something is going to come up the night before you have a ton of work due.
What, you may ask? Oh, I don't know, like a trip to the ER because while cleaning, a huge electronic lap desk will fall from the top shelf and hit you on the top of the head. Since you're currently studying the brain in Psychology and you don't want to die like Natasha Richardson (God rest her soul.), you decide to load up a pissed off spouse (because he told you not to clean) and a cranky preschooler (because it's her bedtime) in the car to head to the local ER, where apparently everyone and their brother, including a chick in labor, will be there. (Ha. Ha. Not only am I going to die from swelling on my brain, but the last imagine I'm going to have is of a pregnant lady panting at the front desk. Of course I am.) Luckily, all will be well.
At least until you get home and realize your head hurts like hell and you still have three journals to write.
Now, let's jump right on in to why I was even writing this post. I am taking a graphics class (Woot!) and we have three big projects due in this class. The subject of the projects are completely up to us.
I think, I want to do some type of inferitlity awareness poster or an infertility greeting card.
Here's where I need help. If infertility could have an awareness poster, what would you want it to say?
I'll share with you all the final piece towards the end of the month when it's due.
I appreiciate any ideas thrown my way!
I should be finishing up some school work right this very moment, but I need to ask a favor. Word to the wise, no matter how much work you do a head of time, something is going to come up the night before you have a ton of work due.
What, you may ask? Oh, I don't know, like a trip to the ER because while cleaning, a huge electronic lap desk will fall from the top shelf and hit you on the top of the head. Since you're currently studying the brain in Psychology and you don't want to die like Natasha Richardson (God rest her soul.), you decide to load up a pissed off spouse (because he told you not to clean) and a cranky preschooler (because it's her bedtime) in the car to head to the local ER, where apparently everyone and their brother, including a chick in labor, will be there. (Ha. Ha. Not only am I going to die from swelling on my brain, but the last imagine I'm going to have is of a pregnant lady panting at the front desk. Of course I am.) Luckily, all will be well.
At least until you get home and realize your head hurts like hell and you still have three journals to write.
Now, let's jump right on in to why I was even writing this post. I am taking a graphics class (Woot!) and we have three big projects due in this class. The subject of the projects are completely up to us.
I think, I want to do some type of inferitlity awareness poster or an infertility greeting card.
Here's where I need help. If infertility could have an awareness poster, what would you want it to say?
I'll share with you all the final piece towards the end of the month when it's due.
I appreiciate any ideas thrown my way!
Tuesday, September 7
Unpacking
When we picked up A from the bus station, K had given the officers two huge bags to give to us to take back to the house. We placed them in the trunk of the car, and didn't think much of them. My lawyer called twice saying they wanted to come get her things, but we never heard from them before she left for TN.
A couple of days later, I had NYEBoy bring the bags in the house to go through them to see what was in them, half hoping we would find something else to use against her in court. Shockingly enough, we didn't find any drugs or anything incriminating.
The most surprising part about going through the bags was seeing all of the clothes K had obviously taken from my closet. (For those of you who don't know, K doesn't do much cleaning, laundry included. Instead of letting her dress A in cute clothes and risking K not trying to get the stains out before washing them, I just had two sets of clothes. She had the basics and I had the cuter clothes in my office closet.) It took my breath away and brought back flash backs from that horrible night. I just had to set the bags back down and leave them there.
When I started to pick up the foyer, I knew I had to move those bags. As I was moving the bags, one of A's shoes fell out that I had just bought. Again, the memories came flooding back.
All I could think about was me running in my pajamas without a bra, down the street, chasing a car, with 911 on the phone. All I could think about was screaming on the sidewalk, unable to calm down. All I could think about was, what if they had got into a wreck as they sped down the street? What if K had just gone down the street to a friends house and the judge let her keep A while we battled this in court?
And then I think about K. What is she thinking right now? Does she even really care? Does she care that her daughter heard me screaming "SHE TOOK THE BABY! SHE RAN WITH THE BABY!" as I frantically banged on our neighbors door? Does she care that she put her daughter at risk of being in a wreck without a car seat? Does she regret anything? Does she wish she would have stayed here and just signed? Does she hate working with my father for hours in the heat doing landscaping for little to no pay? Does she feel bad for what she's put us through over the past few months?
It breaks my heart, all of it. A doesn't ask about her dad or mom much. I don't think it's because she's been tramatized either, I think her sweet little soul is just used to them not being around. I'm sure she misses them a little bit, but I think she knows NYEBoy and I love her very, very much.
I tried to seperate K and A's things, but the memories were just too much. Instead, I placed them in K's old room and shut the door. It's okay to wallow in the what if's and why's for a little while, but life is ticking by. I have to keep moving forward. I have a little girl to tend to, a house the needs cleaning, school work that needs to be done, and a spouse who needs me as well.
Maybe another day.
A couple of days later, I had NYEBoy bring the bags in the house to go through them to see what was in them, half hoping we would find something else to use against her in court. Shockingly enough, we didn't find any drugs or anything incriminating.
The most surprising part about going through the bags was seeing all of the clothes K had obviously taken from my closet. (For those of you who don't know, K doesn't do much cleaning, laundry included. Instead of letting her dress A in cute clothes and risking K not trying to get the stains out before washing them, I just had two sets of clothes. She had the basics and I had the cuter clothes in my office closet.) It took my breath away and brought back flash backs from that horrible night. I just had to set the bags back down and leave them there.
When I started to pick up the foyer, I knew I had to move those bags. As I was moving the bags, one of A's shoes fell out that I had just bought. Again, the memories came flooding back.
All I could think about was me running in my pajamas without a bra, down the street, chasing a car, with 911 on the phone. All I could think about was screaming on the sidewalk, unable to calm down. All I could think about was, what if they had got into a wreck as they sped down the street? What if K had just gone down the street to a friends house and the judge let her keep A while we battled this in court?
And then I think about K. What is she thinking right now? Does she even really care? Does she care that her daughter heard me screaming "SHE TOOK THE BABY! SHE RAN WITH THE BABY!" as I frantically banged on our neighbors door? Does she care that she put her daughter at risk of being in a wreck without a car seat? Does she regret anything? Does she wish she would have stayed here and just signed? Does she hate working with my father for hours in the heat doing landscaping for little to no pay? Does she feel bad for what she's put us through over the past few months?
It breaks my heart, all of it. A doesn't ask about her dad or mom much. I don't think it's because she's been tramatized either, I think her sweet little soul is just used to them not being around. I'm sure she misses them a little bit, but I think she knows NYEBoy and I love her very, very much.
I tried to seperate K and A's things, but the memories were just too much. Instead, I placed them in K's old room and shut the door. It's okay to wallow in the what if's and why's for a little while, but life is ticking by. I have to keep moving forward. I have a little girl to tend to, a house the needs cleaning, school work that needs to be done, and a spouse who needs me as well.
Maybe another day.
Thursday, September 2
Ironic
I've been swamped at school this week. I have to say, I'm really enjoying the whole college thing so far. More on that another day.
I haven't had a real period in awhile, as in, probably over a year. After K moved in with us, she began to have irregular periods, too. I told her it was probably because she was putting on some extra weight and her hormones couldn't figure out what to do.
About two days after the Judge granted us temporary custody, my period came back. It wasn't a normal heavy to medium to light kind of period, but it's been a light-steady-bright flow. I hope that's not TMI, but if you've got PCOS, you understand how happy a period can be. I feel like a woman again! For a week at least. Ha.
I told my Mom about my period coming back and she freaked out. She was like OMG! YOU CAN GET PREGNANT NOW! RIGHT?! YOU CAN'T GET PREGNANT RIGHT NOW! SCHOOL! NYEBOY! A! JUST NO! NO SEX! I told my Mom to relax. If Life WAS that funny, I would be happy to laugh along with it. But let's face it, six years of unprotected sex has yielded me nothing but a heartache.
I just hope the period wasn't a fluke. I'd like to get some of this PCOS weight off, but it's hard to do when you're hormones are acting up. Plus, having a period makes me actually feel like a woman instead of a fat, hairy blob walking around.
I haven't had a real period in awhile, as in, probably over a year. After K moved in with us, she began to have irregular periods, too. I told her it was probably because she was putting on some extra weight and her hormones couldn't figure out what to do.
About two days after the Judge granted us temporary custody, my period came back. It wasn't a normal heavy to medium to light kind of period, but it's been a light-steady-bright flow. I hope that's not TMI, but if you've got PCOS, you understand how happy a period can be. I feel like a woman again! For a week at least. Ha.
I told my Mom about my period coming back and she freaked out. She was like OMG! YOU CAN GET PREGNANT NOW! RIGHT?! YOU CAN'T GET PREGNANT RIGHT NOW! SCHOOL! NYEBOY! A! JUST NO! NO SEX! I told my Mom to relax. If Life WAS that funny, I would be happy to laugh along with it. But let's face it, six years of unprotected sex has yielded me nothing but a heartache.
I just hope the period wasn't a fluke. I'd like to get some of this PCOS weight off, but it's hard to do when you're hormones are acting up. Plus, having a period makes me actually feel like a woman instead of a fat, hairy blob walking around.
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