First Piece of Art

I've never bought a big piece of artwork before. I've seen several I would love to have, but I've never seen one that I had to have that I could afford. That is, until last week.

I found out we have a Kirklands here locally and I decided to go see what they were talking about, as NYEBoy likes to say. We had one back home, but it closed several years ago. I used to love going, but of course I never had a place of my own to decorate, so unless it was for gifts, I usually just window shopped.

I spent well over an hour in the store. I picked up several gifts and even saw a picture I really wanted to have. I didn't think I would actually be able to get it since we're having to keep an eye on our money and it was $100 that we didn't have to spend right now. I snapped a picture of it with my cell and decided to show NYEBoy anyway.

When I picked him up, I showed him the picture on my cell, casually mentioning how much I loved it. I didn't beg or plea for it. I just made a mention of it. We ran some errands that afternoon after he got out of school. Once we got back home, I was getting ready to go into my office when he told me I could go get it if I wanted it. I thought he was joking with me, but he wasn't. So, I ran as fast as I could to go pay for it. I wasn't able to bring it home with me that night because our car isn't large enough for it. Thankfully, @kristencmcd agreed to come help me out a few days later.

I've put it away for safe keeping until we move at the end of the summer. (Wait, move? I thought you said you weren't moving a few months ago? I know, I know. More on that later this week. I promise!)

Without further ado, here's the lovely piece! Whatcha think?





ETA:
Gosh I hate when I hit PUBLISH only to realize I forgot a few details! This picture was orignally $150, on sale for $100. I thought that was a good deal, until I got to check out and it was only $75!! I thought that was a sign that I made the right decision. LOL

And for the record, it's an almond blossom. Apparently, a repo of Vincent van Gogh's Almond Blossom! (After I googled it!) I suddenly like it even more. Ha!

ETA Take 2:
I was reading some information on the painting via Google. Apparently, this was painted after Van Gogh's brother and sister in law had a son. The blooming branch was a celebration of life. After I told NYEBoy about this, I said "I think we should put this over our bed! It's a sign! Oh wait, I'm infertile. Eh, maybe I should put it in storage." He didn't laugh, but I did. Infertile humor, you have to laugh or you'll cry.

My Life In Bullets

I know some people hate bulleted posts, but sometimes that's all you can muster.

- We were in a wreck Friday afternoon. Guess where we got hit? I'll give you one hint. Did you guess rear bumper? You would be correct. My body is pretty tense today. Not looking forward to dealing with insurance people over the next few weeks. Luckily, it wasn't our fault.

- My brother keeps calling and asking questions about school and such, but he is also talking to his on again, off again, on again girlfriend who keeps telling him she's changed. It looked like things would be going in our favor and he would be coming down here, but I think he's going back there. I'm really sad. I really want him to come down here because I think it would be healthier for him. I know it would be best if he came down here, and it's not too late, but man I wish I had the right words to get him to pack up. Please keep him in your prayers. Maybe he'll still change his mind.

- We went to our favorite Mexican restaurant Thursday for dinner. While we were there, the owner convinced me to come work Friday night. I reluctantly agreed. It went very well though. I was only there for four hours. It wasn't very busy, but I still brought up $50 in tips. Considering my largest tab was only $35 and I only had 11 or 12 tables, I thought that was pretty good. I also got free dinner and a beer after we closed! Woot!

- My house is a mess. Thankfully, K is off today and we'll be spending the majority of the time cleaning house.

The Crazy Shit The Crazy Man & Lady Said

Over the weekend, A and I ran to the store by ourselves to grab a few things. On the way home, a truck goes flying by me. He ends up getting stuck at the next light unable to turn. Once the light turns green, we both take the right onto the street before mine. Then, he takes a right again, onto my (our, apparently) street. (Mental note: My street is on a hill, so as soon as you turn onto it you have to kinda press on the gas to make it up.) As soon as he turns onto our street, he stops. As in, I almost hit him because there was no warning.

He starts waving for me to pass him, but I'm too close to him to make it without hitting him. I don't feel comfortable backing up with A in the backseat because we just pulled off of a busy street and I didn't want to get rear-ended. So, I motion for him to pull up some so I could try to make it around him. Out of no where, the guy puts his truck into reverse and starts heading toward me. He is able to get his car turned enough to roll his window down to yell at me to "BACK THE FUCK UP, BITCH!" I started to back up, because obviously this guy was a fucking nut. He pulls back some more into the driveway. Then, he stops. He's directly in front of me and he yells "YOU FUCKING STUPID BITCH!" and floors it into the driveway. I thought about calling the police, but decided the guy was probably just having a really shitty day. Luckily for him I wasn't in a bitchy mood.

I thought I was done with crazy people driving, and then this happened. So picture this, The Crew and I were sitting at a light waiting for it to change, when all of the sudden the lady in the car next to us motions for me to roll my window down. Now, I'm thinking she's going to tell me something about my bumper since someone hit (and ran--bastards!) into the back of our car about a year ago in a parking lot of the mall. This is the conversation that followed.

Crazy Lady: *points towards my back bumper* Excuse me ma'am, Did you have a wreck on Monday?

Me: Um, no

Crazy Lady: Yes you were! You hit me! You hit me on Monday!

Me: Um, no ma'am, I was hit in a parking lot a year ago at the mall.

Crazy Lady: Riiight. Riiiight. Yeah, riiiiight! You hit me!

*the light changes, we both start driving*

At this point, the lady starts driving really slowly. It's like she was trying to wait for me to pass to follow me or get my tag number. So, I turned on the side street after she got stuck in traffic.

WHAT THE FUCK? Okay, first of all, I wasn't in a wreck Monday. But, let's just say I was, the damage was on my REAR bumper, is the crazy bitch trying to tell me I was DRIVING BACKWARDS and hit her, then ran? WTF? OMG. Who the hell flags someone down in TRAFFIC shouting a bunch of crazy shit without even knowing if you have the right person or not?

Needless to say, I'm afraid I'm going to run into this bitch again because this town is fairly small and I travel pretty much the same route every day at the same time. Sigh.

Here's to hoping our car stops being a magnet for crazy ass drivers!

As The Winds Die Down

Last week was hella busy for me. In between the hours of taking or dropping off K and NYEBoy at their respective places, work or school, A and I ran a shit ton of errands to help get things aligned for me to go to school. This week, I'm trying to take a breather to give myself the proper time to study for the CPT. As reality seems to do, it's hitting me in the face. I'll be going to school in just a few weeks, for four years. The next four years of my life are going to be filled with studying, tests, and papers on top of the crew and housework that come along with them.

Although I know in my heart now is the time to go to school, I can't help but feel a slight twinge that I'm doing this all because I can't have kids-now. I've never been, nor will I ever, be one of those people who loves school and a big fancy career. At the end of the day, my dream job is motherhood.

I know this is the right thing and now is the right time, but it still sucks a little bit. I just hope by the fall I won't feel this way and maybe a year from now I'll feel even better.

Khan You Do It? Yes, You Khan.

Having made the recent decision to go back to school, I've had to start studying to take the CPT (College Placement Test). Considering I've been out of school for the greater part of ten years, I have a lot of refreshing to do. Luckily, since I've spent the past year helping K study every week for her classes, I've kind of had a head start.

A few months ago, while watching Anderson Cooper, I was introduced to Khan Academy. I bookmarked it for future references in case I needed to give K a different perspective on something she was studying. I've even passed it off to a few people via Twitter who I've seen ask questions related to school, specifically math.

Khan Academy is run by a guy named Sal. He's been to Harvard Business School and MIT. The guy's edumakated, something I am striving to be. Although, I'm not reaching for those stars. I'm not that smart.

He left his job to run the site. He's compiled nearly 1200 videos on different Math subjects and one day opens to expand into other subjects. And best of all? It's COMPLETELY FREE! He doesn't require a monthly fee and it's not full of ads. Seeing as though he is running his site without ads and on his savings, I've made the personal decision to donate to him every time I learn something new. I hope that if you like and use his site, you'll donate to help him keep the site free, too.

His site is an amazing wealth of information for a student at any level, be it middle school, high school, or college. If you know a student who could use the extra help in Math, send them along his site.

2 Cool 4 Skool

Growing up, we were never really told that we had to go to college or even that we could. Our family just expressed a desire for us all to graduate high school and to get a job. I'm sure if we had informed our family that we wanted to go to college, we would have been able to, but the way we grew up with little money, I always assumed it was an unrealistic burden to place on the family.

I never really planned for after high school. I just wanted to work until I became a Mom. Sure, at some point growing up I thought about being a teacher. You hear all the time how much teachers do and how little they are paid for it. Part of me just decided it wasn't worth it. After following these two infertility blogs over the past few years, reading the bits and pieces they've shared about their classrooms and students, I was reminded of my desire to teach again. But again, I kind of pushed the thoughts aside.

After I worked as a nanny for about five years, I was offered a position at a doctors office. I wasn't really sure what to expect. I wasn't sure if I was going to even enjoy it since children were my life and I enjoyed being a Nanny. I even turned down the offered at first, only to accept the offer a year later after finally having had enough of the boss constantly hitting on me and trying to get me to sleep with him. To my surprise, I enjoyed working at the doctors office. I enjoyed helping my patients, even if I was technically only a paper pusher.

On the other hand, NYEBoy graduated college with two degrees and is now in graduate school getting his Ph|>. He's told me over and over again about how awesome I would do in school and how I would probably even enjoy it. I ignored him, though. I've never really had the desire to go to school. After all, FOUR MORE YEARS IN SCHOOL? ARE YOU CRAZY?

Then K came to live with us and started going to school. It soon became obvious she would need all of the help she could get. As I began helping her every night, it became apparent that I could actually, probably do this. You know, if I wanted to.

I sat on it for a few months. Recently, I've realized that since we're about four more years from NYEBoy graduating and us being financially able to afford treatments, that perhaps instead of helping everyone else, I can take advantage of these four semi-free years I have before becoming a mother and go to school. So, this is what I am doing this fall. I'm going to college. At 26. For the first time. Ever.

It's not going to be easy going to college, with everything else I have going on in my life with The Crew and with my blog and the few other things I have going on, but hopefully it'll be manageable. If God forbid something happens to NYEBoy, I know I'll be able to take care of our family by getting a college degree. I probably won't use the degree much after I get it for awhile since I fully expect to be able to start treatments shortly after he graduates, but that's okay. This way, I'll get what I want (motherhood, staying at home) but I'll also have a safety net if I need it.

I think I've decided on becoming an LPN or RN with a minor in graphic design. I can always do the graphic design from home while the children are small and later on use the nursing part-time once they start school. This is my plan at least. We know how much life enjoys plans.

15 Weeks

There are about 15 more weeks until school starts for me. 15 more weeks filled with a ton of shit to do. There's a lot I have to do just to get in to school. Forms to fill out, tests to take, more forms to fill out, and grants to apply for. Then, I also need to get A in for a medical check up and shots. We also need to find her a daycare for the fall. I also have some work stuff to take care of this summer before school starts. I know how much work I've been able to get done with just the crew going to school, so I can only imagine how much less time I will even have then.

NYEBoy starts summer session today. He'll be going to school five days a week through out the entire summer. K also started working a part-time job this past weekend. I'm finally starting to get some of my energy back after last week's trip to the hospital. For the record, it's AMAZING how messy a house can get when you're not able to keep up with the day-to-day stuff.

I have quite a few errands to run today. We need to run to the DMV to finally change over my drivers license and to get K a state ID. Then we have to run to the school to check out some things for me. K and I also both have a therapy appointment. Did I mention I have to do all of this before dropping NYEBoy off at school at 12:20 and K off to work at 1? Yeah, fun times. Don't be jealous. After that I need to run two more errands and possibly catch a break at home. NYEBoy gets out around 5 and K gets off around 6. Then, we'll head to dinner.

Sometime tomorrow I also need to phone a lawyer because guess what? We're having to deal with this shit again. Except this year, it's with K. We filed for domiciliary last year for K as soon as she got here hoping to avoid this, but apparently it wasn't enough.

I'm already exhausted.

------------

On a side note, yesterday afternoon, I heard a knock at my door. I didn't have time to throw on makeup or a bra, so I answered it like a redneck. It was @kristencmcd. She wrote me the sweetest card and brought me dinner. I love that woman. I cried tears of happiness, because someone else cared about me today. Thank you so much Kristen. I enjoyed every bite as much as I did reading each word on the card.

Mother's Day

I think it was in the fourth grade that we learned about poetry. I fell in love with writing it. I wish I still had the folder we each created. I know none of my poems were that great, but nonetheless they were all mine.

I had the urge to write a poem in honor of Mother's Day. For all of the forgotten moms. Again, I know it's not great, but like I said, it is mine. I just wanted to let all of the other infertile women out there know that they aren't alone.

Today is a day to celebrate mothers
And while that's great, what about the others?

We're the forgotten ones.
The ones without daughters and sons.

It's not because we haven't tried,
or because there haven't been enough tears cried.

It's not because we need to relax
or take a vacation, it's a fact.

Infertility is a medical condition,
affecting 1 out of 8 according to a statistician.

In case you can't do the math,
That's 7.3 million Americans in it's path.

You're race, sex, and age don't matter
there's a lot of people on this platter.

It's easy to forget about us,
especially since we're told not to make a fuss.

So, on this day,
I just wanted to say,

you're not alone,
if you listen closely, you'll hear others moan.


Mother's Day 2010 has already started off splendidly for me. My father has called me twice, basically begging me to take K and A out tomorrow to celebrate how much of a (excuse me while I barf) wonderful mother K is. And, a relative on Faceb00k sent me a 'flowers for moms' probably because she doesn't realize A is K's and not mine despite the multiple infertility messages I've posted over the last two weeks.

It sucks though. I know I won't get a card or flowers telling me what a wonderful mother I will make one day and that these last 5, almost 6, years haven't gone unnoticed. Instead of spending the day mourning the children that are not yet, I'll be spending the day taking care of my niece while her mother works. I'll be okay, though. I'm not bitter, just a little sad. I've made it this far and I'm not giving up yet.

To all of you Mothers, Happy Mother's Day.

To all of us not-yet, Happy Mother's Day, too.

Unexpected Hospital Visit

Yesterday afternoon I went to work at the Mexican restaurant for Cinco De Mayo. Around 11 pm, I started experiencing a tight/heavy chest, shortness of breath, and a fast heart rate. I decided to wait an hour to see if I could get my heart rate to go down some. The longer I waited, the more difficult it was becoming to breathe. So, NYEBoy and I left the girls at home and went to the ER.

They had us waiting in the waiting room for about 15 minutes when they finally brought me back to triage. Then, they brought me back out into the waiting room for another 15 minutes while they waited on a bed. When they finally brought me back it wasn't to a bed, but it was to a recliner like chair. While waiting in the chair, my headache that wasn't bothering me so much, went from barely there to bad. The longer I waited, it went from bad to worse. I was beginning to feel nauseous and dizzy as the nurse was talking to me about my medical history. I finally made NYEBoy go get the nurse to get me to a room. I had to lay down. I could barely walk because I was in so much pain. I cried the whole way down the hall.

Once in the room, I was able to lay in the dark. If I laid still, I wasn't in pain, but as soon as I had to talk to a nurse or doctor it just crept back up. As the nurse got ready to get my IV put in, I started throwing up. Finally, she was able to get the IV in and hooked me up to three or four shots of medicine. They decided to do six tubes of lab work, a urine sample, a chest xray, EKG, and cat scan on me.

Everything ended up coming back normal. They gave me some scripts for the pain, nausea, and vomitting and told me to go home and rest. On the way home, I started throwing up. As soon as I got home and in the bed, I started throwing up again. I was finally able to lay down some seven hours after arriving to the hospital.

I am still tired as shit today. I feel like I could sleep for a year.

And my being a waitress for the first time? It was fine, busy, but fine. Although I'm not so sure it was worth it. What I made isn't going to cover the cost of my hospital bill I expect to arrive by Saturday. Ugh.

The owner did offer me to work there. I declined though. I like working at home/staying at home much better.

Cinco De Mayo

There's a local Mexican restaurant that we usually go to at least two times a month, sometimes more. We've been coming regularly to this restaurant since we moved here almost two years ago. The owner's name is @rmondo. After about the third time of us coming, he stopped bringing us the menu, instead would say, "The same?" We would nod in agreement and he would return with a sweet tea, coke, a basket of chips, salsa, and queso. A little bit later, he would bring us a double fajita meal with rice for NYEBoy and a separate plate for me with rice, beans, and two ramekins with sour cream and cheese. When the girls moved in with us he started adding a Sprite for both girls and a separate salsa and side plate for A since she likes to double dip.

This past Christmas, before heading back home, I ran by to drop him off a Christmas card and wished him a merry Christmas. We didn't end up going back until around February since we were hit with car troubles and more bad news at the beginning of the new year. When we did return, @rmondo's eyes lite up. He motioned us with his fingertip, saying "Ah!". When he returned, he had a red Christmas bag filled with a present for A. It was a Barbie doll. A was very grateful and we laughed about how perhaps this was a sign that we eat there too often. We've made sure to not go too long without visiting him since then.

When we stopped by last week, I asked him if he was ready for Cinco De Mayo. He smiled and said no. Last year it was packed. We ended up waiting an hour, going home, and coming back to find the wait just too much. We ended up eating somewhere else that night. He said he was short a few servers. And me, being the brainiac that I am, offered K and I up for the night. I told him we wouldn't mind helping out for the night. After all, we could use the extra spending money.

Now mind you, I have never worked as a server and I can't hear well out of my left ear under the best of circumstances. I'm starting to think I made the offer too hastily. Ha. No, really, I'm looking forward to working outside of the house for the first time in about two years. I just hope my body can stand up to the pressure.

You know what K and I working means, right? Yeah. NYEBoy gets to babysit for the first time for an extended period of time. Scary, right? He's watched her before for like an hour, but never for 8-10 hours. They're going to go see a movie. I hope she's good for him. I'm not worried about her care as much as I am of him surviving the battle. I know how tough she is and the afternoon to evening is the worst because she starts getting tired. He just realized about two hours ago he was going to have to take her to the potty and wipe her. Poor guy. He told me she better go before I leave and hold it until I get back because he doesn't feel comfortable with that. LOL

So, while you're at home tonight, between the hours of 4 pm and 1 am, send NYEBoy a prayer that A is being good for him and that we're not making asses out of ourselves at our favorite Mexican joint.

Happy Cinco De Mayo! You know I'm going to have a margarita as soon as we get done, right? I will have deserved it. Heh.

Being Mum

While eating dinner at a local resturaunt, the chef asked A who her mom was since she was sitting in between K and I. After A answered him, he asked if K and I were sisters and if NYEBoy was our brother. Once I clarified that K was my sister, but that we weren't from Arkansas*, he asked NYEBoy and I where our kids were. In a laughing tone I said I was infertile. He replied back that he was too and that it had saved him lots of money. Obviously, he was joking** by his comment but NYEBoy was completely embarrased by my statment. He mumbled under his breath several times asking me why I had said that and how some things shouldn't be discussed in public. As soon as I heard those word escape his mouth, I told him that was what was wrong with society.

Infertility is not something that should be kept private at all times. Now mind you, I don't run up and down the streets telling everyone I see that I am infertile, but if someone asks why I don't have kids or where my kids are, I freely tell them I am infertile. Being infertile is nothing to be ashamed of. It's a part of me. It's the reason I don't have kids. The truth is, I'm not waiting on a career to kick of the ground or for the right time, I've been trying to get pregnant for almost six years and damn it, I'm not going to be ashamed to say so.

Infertility is like the elephant in the room when brought up in conversations. Some people aren't sure what to say, so they don't say anything at all. I mentioned on F@cebook twice this past week that it was National Infertility Awareness Week. Instead of people clicking Like or making a comment, everyone ignored it. Except my mom, that is. She sent me a message about it, not in a supportive way either, but rather a WTF would you put that on F@cebook way.

I know not everyone is going to "get it" but that doesn't mean I have to be quiet about it either.

*Just kidding. Sort of. Hey, I have kinfolk from AR. Relax.

**Yes, I agree his comment wouldn't have been approriate if I was having a bad day, but considering the table was filled with a 3 year old, three teenagers, and three twenty-somethings, I understood and laughed too. Shit, if I was a normal guy trying to have a bunch of sex at a young age, I probably would have wished I didn't have to worry about procreating, too.

What about you? Do you talk about your infertility in the real world or are you pretty mum about it?

School Is Out

The Crew is officially done with the Spring semester. Woohoo! This makes the completion of NYEBoy's 2nd year and K's 1st year.

Last year, NYEBoy took off the entire summer. This year he'll be working most of it. Instead of spending two months together and a month visiting our friends and family back home, we'll be lucky to make a few local trip in between the beginning and ending of each semester before the Fall session starts. NYEBoy hopes next summer we'll have a little bit more freedom to travel.

Before our accident, the girls had planned to spend the summer back home with my family, but since we're still going to therapy for the time being, they aren't sure if or when they are going. If they don't end up going back home for an extended period of time, I've found a local summer camp we're going to look into to give me a break A some time to hang out with some kids her own age.

I'm looking forward to spending the summer catching up on some much neglected housework and other work stuff. I may even be able to squeeze out a project or two that have been brewing in my brain over the past few months.

It's been an exhausting school year to say the least, but I know next year is only going to get worse with me attending school in the fall, too. I've got a few major things to tackle this summer, but I'm excited about not having to drop off and pick up two or four times a day for a few months.