Every time I get up and dust myself from the hard knocks of life, I feel like I have just enough time to smile before I get knocked down again. Some days, I can hide it, but then there are days like today, or the past few days, where it's so hard to fake it. The hearing is so close, yet so far away all at the same time. I'm struggling not to cry about it. I'm struggling not to feel like the world is out to get me.
We have an emergency hearing next week regarding Christmas break. Yes, people, they called a hearing instead of calling me. Are you kidding me? Now, I have to pay court costs and my lawyer because my sister won't just talk to me. I know this is mainly my father's doing, and it kills me how much control over my life he has. I have two finals next week, one the same day as the actual hearing. My focus needs to be on these finals, not on this hearing.
I received a note card this morning from someone. This is what it said...
"Your strength, perseverance, dedication, and big heart amaze me! Continue to believe in yourself and the choices you are making - YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THINGS - and in your heart you know it's true. I'm so proud of you and I believe in you 100%."
I need to read this every time I get down. I don't know how much bumpier this road is going to get, but I am in it for the long hall, and at the end of the road, it will be worth it. It's just hard sometimes to deal with an unfair and unreasonableness of the situation when you, yourself have no control of certain things.
2 comments:
I've been reading your blog for a little while now, directed over from Cecily @ Uppercase Woman. I wanted to finally comment to lend my emotional support (from a stranger!) for your journey. It's one with which I'm very familiar.
I had custody of my niece for 2 years. I went through a long custody battle against my sister and brother-in-law. I lost the case and my niece was ordered to live with my BIL in Utah, 3000 miles away. The next 3 years were hell, dealing with him and trying to protect her. But my sister and I repaired our relationship, she got herself together, and she began to repair her relationship with her child.
In March 2010 (almost 3 years to the day that my niece was ordered to Utah) my BIL made one mistake too many and my niece came back to us. She is living with my sister, just a few blocks from me, and she spends the night with me once a week. The 3 of us have worked out an interesting co-parenting sort of mini-family.
It's not a perfect story, and I worry a lot about the emotional damage inflicted on my niece by both of her parents at various points in her life. But, in a way, this ending is the best ending.
So, I feel your pain. For real. I know this road -- it's ups and downs. I know the feeling of being willing to do ANYTHING for a child that is not yours. I know the frustration of trying to convince family and friends that, no, you're not trying to "steal" your sister's child and, yes, you do know who the child's mother really is. I know the pain of having to sacrifice your sibling to save her child.
You're not alone.
Sweetie, know that I am praying for you every single step of the way. You are doing an amazing thing.
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