Sometimes, when I'm feeling especially down about everything, I like to listen to Mariah Carey's song Through The Rain.
And if you keep falling down
Don’t you dare give in
You will arise safe and sound
So keep pressing on steadfastly
And you’ll find what you need to prevail
What you say is
I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain
Even though I feel confident in standing up for A's future by fighting for custody for her, and even though I feel confident in my decision to go to college to become a teacher, I can't help but sometimes think about infertility. I know I have a lot on my plate, and some people might even say I shouldn't even be thinking about my infertility with so much going on, but I do.
I still feel left behind. In a holding pattern. Stuck. Waiting.
Most days, I can go through life without allowing infertility to seep through my emotions, but there are some days that I can't help notice the pool of hurt, anger, and pain.
Infertility has robbed me of my 20's. If I knew before I started trying to get pregnant, that I wasn't going to be pregnant in my 20's, I think I would have gone down a different path, but then again, maybe not.
Perhaps, I wouldn't be so emotionally vulnerable. We can't turn back the hands of time, which may be a good thing, since one really shouldn't live a life of regrets, but I do wish infertility didn't weave itself into so much of our lives, even when our plates are already so full.
I hope my future child(ren) know how much they have been thought about, wanted, prayed for, and loved since before they were conceived.
Mommy can't wait to meet you, but until then, I'll be busy trying to be the best daughter, lover, friend, and aunt you'll ever meet.