Today marks six years since my infertility journey began. Six years. Six years seems like such a long time. It is such a long time.
I feel like my infertility journey is much like a war fought 300 years ago. Even though it's been six long, hard years, I haven't even begun to get to the front lines of the battle. I'm still walking towards the real fight, the treatments, where blood is sure to be shed. Sometimes the weather is good and I just march forward. Other times I feel fatigued and can't see an end in sight.
I know my infertility journey hasn't been as physically painful as some women who have been down this path the same time or even shorter, but it doesn't mean these six years have been easy. At this moment, knowing we have four more years until we can start treatments, there is sort of a mental block up. I try not to think much about the early years or how much longer we have, instead I try to take it day by day, week by week, which has led me to waking up to six years down this road.
Out of the original "babycenter" group I first joined in 2004, I am the only one who isn't a mother in 2010. If you would have told me that in 2004, I wouldn't have believed you. But here I am. Childless. Not by choice. This isn't to diminish those who endured treatments, adoption, or both to get those children, but I feel like an outcast still sitting here, waiting.
I can tell you, without a doubt, that if it wasn't for A, I am not sure I would be here today. Infertility before she came into my life was a much darker time for me than it has since she's been born. I know some people don't believe things happen for a reason, but sometimes I like to believe that. I like to believe a little bit that God knew A was going to come into our lives and she would need me. If I would have become a mother easily, I'm not sure I would have had the same relationship we have now. I wonder if I would have been too busy with my own kids to worry as much about her future.
I will get my children. Some way, some how, some time. I just hope they know how many years they were wanted before they were even conceived. I wonder all the time what they are going to look like, what it will be like to say their names.
I know it'll be worth the wait.
7 comments:
wait, i'm totally lost. why do you have to wait for treatments?
I think you and A have been blessings to each other. I know you will be a wonderful mommy some day.
Hugs! I'm sorry for the pain...we know it all to well. You'll get there!
You're right. It will be. I'm still sorry you have to wait, though.
I pray the next 4 years fly by.
I can completely sympathize with the wanting, the wondering. And waiting to begin treatments that may or may not work sucks. The only reason I'm not in the exact same situation as you is that Massachusetts health insurance is required to cover infertility treatments.
You can do this, and when you do finally have your kids the feeling of holding them in your arms will be that much sweeter.
I am so sorry you're "celebrating" this anniversary. I can't imagine how you feel about having to wait even longer to start any treatments.
I'm coming up on my 6 year anniversary of trying to get pregnant at the end of this year - and I also never imagined that I'd be staring this in the face.
I wish you all the best and much hope for you to hang on - and to achieve your dreams.
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