Can I Tell You A Secret?

There are certain things in every one's life they hope to keep a secret. You hope no one finds out about them. You keep these items in an invisible closet, hoping to never discuss them again.

Well, I have something in my closet that I'm ready to share. With the exception of my family, I have been keeping this under wraps from friends, (former) coworkers, and my blog, for the better part of ten years. Honestly, it wasn't even until yesterday that I even got the urge to talk about this, much less to put on my public blog. But, something in me is calling me to share this with you all. I hope you don't think less of me for this.

I've mentioned on my blog and twitter this week, I've been busy studying and taking tests. Although these are important and necessary for college, there's more that meets the eye.

As you know, my childhood wasn't exactly ideal. My teenage years were by far the worst. I struggled a lot with emotional abuse during that time. My mother was more concerned with gambling than she was with raising her kids properly, which brings me to my secret.

In 2001, I left high school. Yes, you read that right, I left high school. I did amazing in my childcare classes, all A's in fact. But the rest of it? After about the ninth grade, I pretty much flunked out. Well, except a science and math class that I really enjoyed.

After I left public schooling, I tried home schooling for awhile, but I was always too scared to go to the meetings to take the tests every week. So, I never went. I paid a few hundred dollars, did the books, prepared for the tests, had someone drive me to the tests, but I never went in to the room to take the tests. In fact, there's a certain time period, that if you don't show up to take the tests, you get kicked out from the program, which I was at one point. I decided to try it again a few months later and concocted this big story to the lady in the office and they even let me back in without having to pay the fees all again, but as I walked to the room to take the tests, I couldn't do it. I've never been back to school, of any type, for me personally, since that day.

I spent a great part of the next ten years not really thinking about school. When my family would make comments about it, I ignored them. "You need to get your GED", they would always tell me. Perhaps they were right, but I'm stubborn, and I'm not going to get it on ANYONE else's terms but my own. I'm a rebel, y'all.

Even after I met NYEBoy, I didn't really get the urge to go to school. It wasn't until K moved in with us and I began helping her with her school work every night that I thought perhaps I could do the damn thing. I've said it all before, but before I could even start school this fall, I had to get my GED.

In May, I found out there was only one place in the whole county to get this done and there was also a several month waiting list. I went to pay my fees and schedule the date, which was for this week.

I was going to start really buckling down and studying last week, but with the holiday and K's lovely bullshit, I didn't exactly have much time. Instead, I spent the entire weekend studying. Monday I had the great idea to just study that day for things I was taking Tuesday and Tuesday night studying for Wednesday.

I was very nervous going to take these tests, but as I walked to the door Tuesday morning, I told myself, everyone else in this room is in the same boat as I am. We were all there for the same reason, despite whatever road we traveled to get here.

After I left yesterday and especially after I finished today, I felt so proud of myself. I wasn't doing this for my mom, my dad, or my family. I was doing this for me. I did this for me and no one else.

In our county, you don't get a GED but you get an actual Fl0rida High School diploma. I like that. No longer will I have to feel insecure about not finishing high school. It may have taken almost ten years, but I did it. In about eight weeks, I'll get the results. I felt very good about it, so I will be completely shocked if I have to retake anything.

So, that's that. My secret is out. I'm proud of myself, no matter what others think of me.