Mel posted Project IF in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week.
I've decided to answer the What If in the How infertility impacted your “plans”/current choices/future decisions category.
As far back as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a mom. I always thought I would get married young and have kids young. I thought for sure I would be done by the time I was 25. I never really planned for anything else, either.
Four years ago, I found out I was officially infertile. Four years ago it really hit me that I wasn't going to 'just be able to get pregnant'. I've been on this infertility road since 2004 and there isn't an end in sight, at least for several years.
NYEBoy still has roughly four more years left before he graduates with his PhD. Four more years until we'll be making enough money to start treatments. In four years, I will no longer be in my 20's. Unless something happens in the next four years that hasn't happened in almost six years, this will be our first chance to actually have a medical chance to become parents.
What If, in four years, when we are finally financially able to start treatments, we're told we should have started four or five years ago, when I was in my 20's? What if 30 is too old? What if I've gone from having 9 periods a year when I began this journey almost six years ago, to only 2 periods a year now, and in four years I have no more? What if we missed our chance because he was in grad school and my body is aging before it's time?
What if by attaining his dream (PhD), I'm losing mine (ovaries that work) at the same time? It's a thought that haunts me every day. It literally takes my breath away at times.
On the flip side, What if I've been spending my 20's trying to do things wrong, backwards? What if life is telling me something? What if I try to take advantage of the next four years until he graduates?
I've recently made the decision to go to school this fall, which I will discuss further in another post. I'm not sure what the future holds, but I've spent the last (almost) six years waiting and I'm going to try to focus on me until we can physically do something other than sex. We have about four more years ahead of us and I'm not going to spend them staring at the calendar counting down.
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A basic understanding of infertility.
The background of National Infertility Awareness Week.
9 comments:
Oh sweetie! I'm so so so sorry! I hate what infertility is doing to so many people I love and care about. I wish I could ball up your pain and just throw it away, I really wish I could!
I wish you SO much luck in school. I know you will do AMAZING!
*HUGS*
Good for you! It is great that you are going back to school.definitely sitting around and waiting for the next 4 years I think would make you go insane. Good Luck with school!
I am also TTC, and have PCOS. I know you have put that money is an issue for you, but not all of the treatments are that costly. I just got my RX for clomid and without it being covered by insurance it was only $19.00 for a month supply. And if your doctor gives you Femara there is a coupon on the Femara website. I am not sure if you knew about these two fertility meds, but just wanted to share with you.
Sending baby dust & prayers your way!!!
-ELANGLEY1017
I hope and pray you achieve your dream of becoming a mom.
I can't wait to hear about your
school plans.
Great post. I too am years behind where I thought we would be. Never thought I'd see 36 looming in the near future with no kids yet. Good for you going back to school! It's a silver lining...you can be productive while you're sitting around waiting to start treatments.
Here through the "What IF' posts
I loved this post, because it shows how strong and positive you are being in the light of all this. The "What IFs"
I wish you luck with all your plans, and with your beautiful life...because it is you know. Even IF can't take that away from you.
Stopped by from Project IF. Thanks for writing and sharing such a beautiful What If post.
www.mrthompsonandme.blogspot.com
Here via Project IF.
I'm so sorry. Sorry for the wait and all the emotions that go along with it. Hoping for you that school goes well and that the next 4 years fly by and your path to a child(ren) is relatively easy.
Good for you finding a distraction while waiting. The wait can kill us....emotionally, physically....take charge to not let that happen! Good luck.
-Project IF
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