Tentative Plans

We have tentative plans to go get K and A Saturday. My Aunt and Uncle want us to spend the night Saturday and leave out Sunday. I'm sure it's to look at us in our eyes and ask what the fuck we are doing. NYEBoy isn't going to handle the passive behavior very well though. We didn't make all of these plans to move K and A down here to be duped like this. It's going to be very hard not to say exactly what we're feeling in order not to get into a big argument or split the family apart. This isn't about who can do it better, but who is actually going to help these two girls.

NYEBoy and I were talking a few minutes ago about something when he said, "She'll be here at least two or three years. Maybe more." It suddenly hit me, we're in this for the long haul.

I hope our relationship can withstand the two new house guests. I hope my sister succeeds in school to become a productive, self-sufficient mother. I hope the relationship between K and I begins to mend from the past eight years. I hope A makes it out to the other side as un-fucked up as possible. I hope we're all proud of ourselves and our commitment when this is said and done.

It won't be easy, but it will be worth it. I hope.

Balloons

This conversation was had at the Dollar Store as we were going down the birthday supplies aisle.


K: We bought A's birthday stuff from the dollar store this year.
Me: Oh yeah? I love coming to see what I can find for a buck.
K: Yeah. The only thing I wouldn't buy again is their balloons.
Me: Why not?
K: Because I blew them up and they fell to the ground. WTF?
Me: Um, K, you have to have HELIUM!
K: Oh yeah? I was wondering why they asked if I needed any. I told them no because I had my mouth.

Show & Tell - Hermit Crabs

I took the girls to St. George Island a few times while they were here. It was K's first time to the beach since we were kids. They had a blast. Sadly, the camera never made it out of the beach bag to photograph the fun time we had.

On the way out of St. George Island there is a tourist shop that we stopped at. While we were browsing the overpriced crap we could get back at any store in Florida, we came across a set up of hermit crabs.

As soon as I saw them, I knew I had to get a few. We ended up getting three of them. We named them Mean Ass, Turtle, and Moo Moo. Mean Ass was the biggest crab of the group and enjoys man-handling the others. We call him MA for short, because there is was a three year old living in the house. Turtle is named after the beautiful green and brown shell. Moo Moo was named after A. I couldn't think of another name while she was bothering me about what his name was.

This is Turtle.

Unfortunately, Mean Ass killed Moo Moo in the a fit of rage in the middle of the night. Nothing like trying to explain to a three year old why the crab named after her is hanging out of his shell dead with three legs chopped off on the ground. I just told her that Jesus wanted his crab back to play with.

The best part is that NYEBoy wasn't with us, so I was able to come home yelling, "Honey, I have crabs!"

Not As Planned

Two weeks ago, we were on the moon. We were filled with satisfaction that we had done something amazing, we saved two peoples lives. Today, our heads are still spinning wondering if we made the right decision, not from removing them from Thugboy, but from taking them to 0rlando.

As I have been saying, I felt uneasy about leaving the girls with my Aunt and Uncle. I feel like they have ulterior motives that don't have K's best interest at heart. They don't seem to be worried about getting her into school, but more worried about her getting a shitty job at Walmart* or something that pays a few bucks an hour with no real future in sight.

They've told my sister what time they need to be in bed. They've told her she needs her pretty blonde hair cut. They've told her she only needs one diet coke a day. They're treating her like a child, not like a 21 year old trying to get her life back on track.

We're at a crossroad. We're at the corner of Do Nothing and Do Something. We've been talking and we're debating on moving K and A here. If no one else is going to get K into school, then I feel like we have to because we got the ball rolling.

It's not an easy decision, though. I worry about adding two new people into our already cramped three bedroom townhouse. I worry about the strain on our relationship. I worry about NYEBoy getting enough alone time to focus on his PhD. I worry about K feeling like she's a burden and her having her own space. I'm worried about the split this is probably going to cause between my family. I worry about my Aunt and Uncle deciding to take this into court over A.

This isn't what we had planned. I'm upset over the decision (or the lack there of) for K and A's future. I'm upset that we are apparently the only ones who care enough to do something about it. This isn't how things were supposed to be. We're supposed to be relaxed and at ease now. Instead, we're trying to decide what's best and what's next.

*If you work at Walmart please don't be offended. I just don't think it's an actual career path a 20-something should choose.

Uneasy

I called my Uncle Wednesday to ask what time we were meeting Thursday to drop K off with him. I told him A was staying with us to give them a few weeks to get adjusted. He his response was, "whatever you want to do." The plan was to meet up Thursday, half way. After we got off the phone, my Aunt sent me a text asking why A wasn't coming. I explained that I felt like K needed some one-on-one time with them without A underfoot. Plus, I wanted to spend time with my baby girl. She sent a text back that said "okay, just don't keep that baby too long!!"

Remember my worry with the offer? Well, I'm getting nervous about it. I called my Uncle again yesterday afternoon to tell him we would be driving K down Saturday because something came up*. He said that was fine, but told me he needed A to stay with K. I was dumbfounded. K hasn't had one-on-one adult interaction in awhile. I feel strongly that these first few weeks are very critical to establish a strong platform for this new change in her life.

K isn't like most 21 year olds. She seriously doesn't have the mentality of a 21 yr old, it's more like a teenager. I feel very strongly that she needs this alone time with my Aunt and Uncle to focus on "the plan" without A underfoot. Of course A is here and there isn't anything we can do about that, nor would we. However, A's care isn't do or die. Even if I did help out a lot the first year, that's not to say K is being set up to fail when A gets back into her care full time. This is a critical time in K's life, though. If she doesn't do well in school, it could potentially end up being a complete waste of time for everyone.

I called my Mom after I talked to my Uncle to tell her I was worried we were being set up for them to try to take custody of A. She said she thought about the possibility, but doesn't think it will happen, but even if it does, how bad would A's life be with them? Compared to living with Thugboy? Of course it's better. Compared to living with me? I don't think so. They may have a hell of a lot more money than we do right now (until he grads), but I know I'm a better parent than they are.

I'm scared, nervous, and worried. I don't want to be the one that set up K to have her child taken away from her, especially if she's going to start making the right decisions. If my Uncle does something stupid, I will fight it. A is my life.

------------------
* NYEBoy was going to drive 2 hours West to visit his friend, except he didn't reserve a rental car and they were all sold out. So, we decided the girls and I would drive with him and stay at a hotel nearby for two days while he visited his friend. The girls and I would go to the beach and spend some more time bonding. We drove last night all the way there, only to find out the nearest hotel was 30 minutes away and we could only find one for one night. NYEBoy decided to just come back home. We're driving to 0rlando Saturday to drop the kids off. He wants to stay a night to spend time with the family, but I'm too upset with the latest conversations. We'll see.

To Give or Not To Give

That was the question. I decided to give K the number, but not before I called my Mom, talked to NYEBoy, and talked to S. I wanted to talk to S before deciding on whether or not to give my sister his number. My mom agreed. NYEBoy said to just give it to her because he was tired of hearing about how great S was.

I talked with S for awhile. We talked about what he has been doing over the past few years. He was married, but has since divorced his baby's mother. He currently lives in Virginia. He's still in the Navy, but I'm not sure if he's active or in the reserves because he also co-owns a clothing/shoe store out there. He asked how I was doing. He asked how Mom was doing. He even said he missed all the crazy shit my brother had done. He did want my sister to call him. I told him I didn't want him to focus on being in a relationship with K right now, but that i know he is the one person that can comfort K right now. He's the one person who she will listen to.

After I arrived back home from talking to my Mom and S, I told K I needed to talk to her. Before telling her about contacting S, I first needed to talk to her about her outburst in Target earlier. We discussed it. I knew it was from being stressed about everything going on right now, but we made the decision to act quickly because we didn't need K or Thugboy to change their mind. It was for the best.

After talking with K, I told her I had to tell her something. I told her I had talked to S. She started crying. She asked if I was serious or if I was lying to her. I told her I was serious and that he did want to talk to her. She continued to cry for a bit. She smoked a cig, then called him. He apparently had fallen asleep, because he didn't answer. He did text me at 5 am saying he had been sleeping.

K called when she woke up. They talked off and on all day long. I'm not sure where her head is at right now, but she's relieved, at least some what, to have talked to him.

I think, I hope, I have made the right decision. Let's just hope it all works out for the best.

Fate

As you all know, my sister has been staying with us for two weeks until she goes to live with my uncle. We've spent a lot of time talking over the past ten days or so. She told me about a month or two ago, she started having dreams about her ex. While we were in Mem.phis, we drove by his house to leave a note for his Dad to tell him to have S call us. We even found him on F@cebook and sent him a message.

S lived across the street from us. He was a very nice guy, always talking to my mom and I when he came over or while we were in the yard. He's a year younger than I am and three years older than K. He moved to Virgina when he joined the military. They dated off and on for three years. Since they broke up the last time, they both have had a child by someone else. If K ever talked about the family not liking Thugboy because he was black, we always responded that his race had nothing to do with why we didn't like him. We didn't like him because he was worthless, lazy, and a punk. If he was more like S, we wouldn't care.

On the way home from the beach yesterday, K told me if S still had his life going good for him and he proposed to her, she would say yes. If he was happily with someone else, she would feel at peace with that, too. She said it was up to fate to get them back together. If they were meant to be together, he would contact her.

My dad told me on the phone the other night that S had been calling trying to get a hold of K. I asked if I could have his number to talk to him. My dad refused, saying it was not in her best interest, despite me saying *I* wanted it to talk to him. Meanwhile, I got a reply back on F@cebook last night from S. He is single and does want to hear from K. He gave me his number telling her to call morning, noon, or night.

Now, I'm not sure what to do. Do I call him on my own to talk to him to see where he is in his life? Do I give her his number to have her call? Do I intervene with fate, like my father is doing, to keep quiet? I know if it were my ex, I would want to talk to him. Whether it be for closure or a new beginning.

What would you do if it was your sister?

Bonding

I know you all (should) understand why my blog has been quiet, but it's not for a lack of wanting to blog. I have things I want to blog about, lots of things actually. My uncle will be here Thursday to pick up my sister. A will be staying with us for a few weeks. I'll be spending the few days between now and then bonding with my sister.

I'm hoping to make a big announcement in a few days as well. We'll see.

Please don't forget about me! I promise I haven't forgotten about y'all. Just unable to get alone time to blog. Damn it.

How It Happened

I've been trying to blog about the how's since we got home. Unfortunately, I've also had an extra pair of eyes along side me since we returned, and I'm not talking about A's.

The day after we arrived to Mem.phis, we were told A was not going to be allowed to go home with us. After driving damn near 14 hours, I was pissed. I didn't worry too much though, these people change their minds every few hours (or days). I knew if I could get them to say "She can go.", we would get on the road.

I decided to take my sister to lunch on Monday the 6th to talk to her about her life. I haven't sat down and talked to my sister in a few years. She agreed to go. NYEBoy, sweet guy that he is, told me to take her to the most expensive place I could. He wanted her to realize a real man will help take care of his family. So, we took his money and went to Firebird's. Delicious, as always. I won't even talk about how we went back three times that week because we can't find a good steak place in Talla.hassee.

My sister and I (and A) had a nice lunch. We talked a bit about how she didn't have to live in the situation she was living. She deserved better. I told her our uncle's offer still stood. He could help get her in school. She could work part time. In a year or two, she would be in such a better place that she wouldn't even recognize herself.

We spent the next two days convincing my mother that things needed to change. Now. Not "oh, we'll think about it", not "oh, next week", not "one day", but now. Today. NYEBoy and I went to see a lawyer about Thugboy's rights, or I should say, the lack thereof.

On Saturday night, we talked to my sister about moving. Now. Today. She said she needed to talk to Thugboy, of course. We were on pins and needles until we talked to her again. The next day, we took A back home for her to give Thugboy a chance to say goodbye. When we arrived, Thugboy had locked himself into an outside storage room telling us he may as well kill himself to go be with his dad if K and A were leaving him. My mother talked to him for a long time while I was inside talking to my sister, feeling her out, seeing where her head was. We were worried K would change her mind. We were worried about a possible hostage situation when we got ready to pick them up the next day. I even contacted a cop friend of ours, just to get reassurance.

We were due to pick up my sister and A the next morning. We agreed that if they changed their mind, we would have DHS called out to the house for neglect. Then, we would start the process to take A away from them. A is three years old now. She's going to remember things. This is not the type of life she needs to grow up with.

The next day, my mother and I drove out to the ghetto to pick them up from his Momma's house. Of course things didn't go smoothly at first. We hit a massive storm 3 exits away from their house. Once we arrived, we talked with their family for a few minutes while we waited the monsoon-like rain storm we were experiencing.

K was ready, though. We packed them into the car and said our goodbyes. I even hugged Thugboy. Not because I really care about him, but because I had to do whatever I could to get those two girls out of the house as calmly as possible.

As we drove away, I sighed a big sigh of relief. I think my eyes, my mom's eyes, and K's eyes were all welling up with tears. I could cut the relief with a knife. My mom and I were glad K made the right decision. K was glad to be able to breathe again for the first time in years.

On the way to my Grandma's we stopped by the doughnut store. Once we arrived at my Grandma's we sat around the table eating doughnuts and thinking to ourselves, "Holy shit, she finally fucking did it."

After we ate, K took a shower while we packed the car. We spent the next 14 hours on the road. We talked about what she had been through. We talked about their future. As K slept in the back seat with A, I was relieved. I looked in the mirror in disbelief. She finally did it. She finally made the right decision for her and A.

They be with us for two weeks. We're spending this time to bond as sisters, as a family, before she heads to my Uncle's to begin getting her life back on the right path. A's future is still to be determined. We're still trying to decide if she's going to stay with us during the week and visit them on the weekends in 0rlando or if she'll just be there full time and come here to visit.

I know we made the right decision for them, but my heart broke when A cried for her Daddy about an hour from Talla.hassee. She'll understand better one day. I'd rather her grow up without a father in her life than for her to grow up in the situation she was.

Show & Tell - A's Birthday Pictures

Remember last year? We got A's 3 year old pictures taken while we were at home last week. Although a year has passed, she is now older and wiser. She would hardly crack a smile for the Clay Aiken lookalike guy behind the camera screaming jazz hands. She. Couldn't. Care. Less. Seriously.

Last year, it took forever to decide on which poses we wanted to get. This year, we easily picked out 9 because of her "I am so 3 years old" attitude.

Here's a few pictures of the little doll.

And proof she wasn't easy to deal with.





Don't forget to see what the rest of the class is sharing.

We're Back Home

Where have I been? Here, there, everywhere. Like I said, I knew we were going to be away from the house for awhile, but I didn't realize I was going to be without my laptop. We took my laptop with us to 0rlando because we don't have an Apple store here and my mouse button is broken on my macbook air. We went to the mall with my laptop in hand, only to be told we had to have an appointment. Then, they told us they couldn't give us an appointment for four days. We made an appointment for another location the next day. After arriving five minutes late because we aren't fucking from that city, they told us they couldn't help us since we were late. I was not happy.

We made an appointment for the Apple store in Memphis. After arriving 30 minutes early, they didn't help us (no line!) until 15 minutes after our appointment time. We explained that the laptop mouse button was stuck and he disappeared into a back room with the laptop. He came back with the laptop to point out two dents on the side of the top cover of the laptop and told us because of that the laptop would be bumped into the next tier and would be $450+ to fix. Are you fucking kidding me? The top cover has NOTHING to fucking do with the fucking MOUSE button! I was pissed. I left without fixing it. I wasn't going to pay 30% of the cost of a new one to repair something that wasn't worth that cost.

So, that's why I haven't blogged in awhile. I was fully expecting my laptop to be fixed, but Apple has lost their fucking mind.

If you've been following me on Twitter, you will know that I announced some big news yesterday. We arrived back in Florida this morning with my sister and A in tow. I'll explain more later. I don't have enough time to sit down and type it all up at the moment because apparently 3 year old's have also lost their fucking mind, too.

Five

Today marks five years of my infertility journey. I wish I didn't feel so angry about it, but I do. Despite being excited to be with my family over the next few days, I'll be internally dealing with the emotions of another family get together without a little one in tow.

I want my baby being transferred from relative to relative. I want my child on my hip, in the swimming pool. I want a family picture with NYEBoy, myself, and our child. I want to be a mommy. I know things happen for a reason, but I feel like I've waited enough.

Five years is plenty. It's more than enough.