When K and A first moved in with us, it didn't take long for us to notice that K yells, screams, pinches, and spanks A a lot. It's no surprise really. K has spent the majority of A's life working one or two jobs to support Thugboy and A. She hasn't had any real time to be a real mother. She only knows how to parent from what she's learned from our mother, which isn't to say much. Every time she yells, screams, pinches, or spanks, I'm instantly transported back to my childhood. I'm even beginning to notice when K does these things to her, A immediately reaches for her mother, the exact same way I did. She just wants her mother to love her, not yell, scream, pinch, or spank her.
Parenting is a hard gig. I've never said child rearing was all rainbows and sunshine. I won't even lie, there are some days where I think maybe God made me infertile because I'm not cut out for this. Yes, there are days when one wants to crawl into a hole, alone, to rock back and forth chanting "la-la-la-la I can't hear you!" But, you also have to stop and think why is my child acting the way they are? Are they tired? Have they eaten? Do they need attention? Have they been watching too much tv? Why are they getting on my nerves?
Children need a schedule. They need consistency. They need to know what to expect. They need to be fed healthy foods. They need to be given naps. They need to go to bed at a decent time. They need attention and love. If they don't get these things, then you can't be mad when they act out at anyone but yourself. I've been slowly trying to teach K these things, but I think she thinks I'm just blowing smoke up her ass. You know, because I don't have kids because I'm biologically fucked up, I can't possibly know a damn thing about parenting. Duh, didn't you know, as soon as you pop a kid from your vagina you're automatically a know-it-all?
Yesterday, K came home from school and slept all afternoon. She even kicked A out of her room twice when A tried to go lay down with her. Tonight, I rolled over in bed to get back in NYEBoy's arms, when I looked into A's bed to check on her, I noticed she was gone. My heart stopped. I hit NYEBoy and damned near screamed "A IS GONE! A IS GONE!" I ran downstairs to K's room and opened the door to see if A was with her. K said she couldn't go to sleep so she came upstairs to get A.
Are you fucking kidding me? Because YOU can't sleep you're going to get a SLEEPING child out of bed knowing YOU have to be up early to get ready for school. Now, I get the joys of dealing with a child who's sleep was fucked up all day today while her mother is at school. When she comes home from school, she'll be bitching at her because she's got homework to do. She'll need to decompress.
K is a selfish parent. She only wants her when it's convenient for her. She's fine with how you parent, until she's ready. Then, you don't know anything and she knows everything. She didn't believe A could go to sleep on her own. As she told NYEBoy, "She only goes to sleep right away for me, because I'm her Mom." Despite that after a week of getting into a routine of brushing teeth, going to potty, reading a book, and turning on some light music, she's able to fall asleep on her own with very little protest on her end.
I just wish she would make a better effort at this parenting gig. She mumbles several times a week that she can't wait until she's done with school and out of here and how she can't wait until I have a kid. I wish she would appreciate this chance we've given her. Not many people get a chance like this. It's not easy on the relationship between NYEBoy and I, either. I'm completely risking my relationship with a man I know I'm supposed to be with for the rest of my life, to give her and her child a better chance at life than her own parents or Thugboy ever has.
The shitty mother cycle has to end somewhere. It's not fair for A to have to grow up this way because she was unluckily brought into this world by two dumbasses. I can only hang on to the hope that if this doesn't work out, that despite all of the trials she may have to go through, she can over come it just as I have.
7 comments:
I can't imagine how hard it would be to watch the baby you love be treated like that. I'm sorry.
It has got to be so hard for you to watch that, and you want to step in and interveen - I would too, but maybe K is getting frustrated at how much you are trying to mother A? KWIM? Maybe have A's bed set up in K's room?
I can't help but recall that when A was with you before and when they first arrived you had multiple comments on how late you were up and how you all would sleep until noon. or later. How was that any better parenting than K is giving?
You're trying to make that child your own and you aren't qualified for it any more than K is. You have an issue with how your aunt and uncle wanted K to get a job, where she could probably earn as much as she can in the course she's in without the pressure of adding school and grades, yet you didn't like it because someone was going to get thier hands on "your kid". Work over school would have been a better option for K because she could have spent time earning money in a no brainer job and come home less stressed to A. But now she has to worry about school and thats an added frustration that just thrusts a bigger wedge between a girl that already doesn't know how to parent properly. Way to go!!
My SIL was the same way. Also my niece had an alcoholic absent father. So I was sure that she was going to turn out rebellious, pregnant or on drugs at 16. My husband and I use to watch her every day when she was young. Then they moved to Oklahoma and we knew that was the end of it. she was done and I was so sad. We even contemplated trying to take her away from her mom.
They moved and then her mom got fired from a job and went to Texas for a job but left A in Oklahoma by herself 5 days a week to care for herself at 16. She taught her how to pay HER moms bills and take care of the house and off she left. I was sure then she would be one f@#@ed up kid.
She is now 18 years old and just graduated high school because her mom messed up sending paperwork so she could get college paid for (apparently they do that in OK) A is going to move up here and live with Grandma. She said, "It is not healthy to be with my mom anymore. I need somewhere that I can be 18, get a job, go to school, and not take care of mom." Pretty level headed for all she has went through.
So I say all that to say that hopefully with your influence A will turn out a well adjusted girl and hopefully K will learn sooner rather then later that what she is doing is not working.I know it is so hard to watch. I wanted to scream most days and we have not talked to my SIL since they moved which was 5 or 6 yrs ago.
Good Luck. I am sending prayers and hugs your way.
{{{Hugs}}}...you are doing a good thing and I hope K wakes up and appreciates it.
That's a tough situation to be in! With Peaches and her kids(even though they don't live here) I know that I can be a better mother figure in their lives and it's REALLY hard not to intervene. Sometimes, though, for your own peace of mind, you have to take a step back. Not saying you shouldn't say anything or do anything when K is treating A like that, but be more gentle in your approach?
This is sounding right at all! I think I'll email you and say it correctly.
You totally rock and I know the position your in is hard. And it sucks!
*HUGS*
For the record, with regard to your Twitter...I am far from a welfare Momma, in fact I am university educated, way upper middle class, and don't even know where the welfare office is. And yes I've read you for a long time. Its like a train wreck you just can't look away from...what can I say, its like a really bad episode of Big Brother!!
As for working a no brainer job, well thats because K has made some VERY big changes in her life recently, so working a job that she can make some money at, learn how to handle herself as a woman, and not have to stress over so she can be emotionally available to be there for her daughter, well thats a huge bonus. Instead of putting her in school when she doesn't sound...scholarly and academically inclined...you thrust her into the total opposite environment than she is use to, instead of "letting" her work for 6-12 months and getting her parenting legs, and then tackling a new lifestyle.
You're setting her up to fail. And you're very selfish.
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