The past week has been rough. I think it's a combination of the weather, my birthday, A going back home soon, and other shit that has come up. When I have weeks or days like these, I often wonder if I am really cut out for motherhood. I wonder if maybe my mother was right. Maybe I should embrace my infertility. Okay, maybe things aren't that bad, but they do suck.
I'm tired. I need a break. A has been here a month. It's exhausting. If A was living with us full time, things would be different. She would be in preschool a few hours a week. She would be in a steady routine. I would feel more comfortable leaving her with NYEBoy. (It's not that I don't trust him, but I feel guilty wanting to leave her with him. For his sake, not hers.) But, she's not. If she's not asleep, she's up my ass, or beside me, or in my lap, or sitting behind me in my chair. Or. Or. Or..
Some nights, I stay up late just so I can absorb some alone time. That's not good for my sleep, but I need alone time. Time to re-energize. Time to reflect. Time to cool down. Especially on days when we can't give her a proper nap due to our schedules.
I hope tomorrow is better.