I haven't really been feeling well lately and it's not just this
I had so many hopes and dreams that were to be accomplished by 25. My Mom turned 25, 2 weeks after giving birth to me. Growing up, I always told her I did not want to be an old** mom. In fact, I was going to be done or at least almost done, having all
That dream came to a screeching halt of reality about four and a half years ago. Unless there is some divine intervention complete with a parade and fireworks, I'll probably be at least 30 before we bring out the big guns (You know, when the Boy graduates!) and that saddens me. It saddens me because there is nothing I can do to fill this void until then. Plain and simple, it fucking sucks. Truly.
I hate crying about it. I hate feeling down about it. There's nothing I can do, nor can NYEBoy. When I get upset, he says he could just quit school and get a job making enough to do treatments. Of course, I am not going to let him do that. I wish he could understand that. As bad as it hurts, it's okay to mourn what I don't have until I do. I'm going to feel the emptiness. Some days the pain will be more raw than others and on those days, I might even cry.
* No offense to old black guys. I'm from Mem.phis and this is who I picture when I picture singing the Blues. So, fuck off.
** Hey, if I'm going to piss off the old black men, I may as well piss off the old women, too. Before you get all hostile towards me, I'm not calling you old.
4 comments:
Hey you think you got it bad Missy...I'm 30 in 5 months and no where near where I thought I'd be....also married for 9 years in November, I thought we'd have AT LEAST two sprogs by now and yet here we are barren with nada!
So get in line behind me, flash me a nice smile and I might share some of my Coke with you ;-)
xxxxxx
p.s. Yes you may still be childless at 25 BUT at least you will only be 25, embrace it, I vaguely remember that age lol
I know EXACTLY how you feel. Hang in there! I wish I could say it gets better but I'm still working on that at 35. :)((HUGS))
I can totally relate to your pain. I always thought I'd have four girls, but that was not the plan. When I was about 19 I was told for the first time I would never be able to get pregnant. I didn't believe it though. I didn't get married until I was 28 and kept hoping that I would get pregnant. Again it never happened. I was also sad, but threw myself into my career as a Kindergarten teacher and "adopted" all my students as my children. Then my sisters all started having children. It was always a bittersweet celebration on Mother's Day. They always included me, but it was not the same as being a real mother. When I finally came to some peace with the situation was at a ladies retreat and the speaker made reference to this scripture
Isa 54:1 SING, O barren one, you who did not bear; break forth into singing and cry aloud, you who did not travail with child! For the [spiritual] children of the desolate one will be more than the children of the married wife, says the Lord. I took it for a literal message just for me that even though I hadn't bore any children I could still be the mother to many. Hang in there and look for your blessings where you can find them. I will be praying for your peace.
25 seems like a previous era :) I'm 34 and only now pregnant with my first, after all kinds of horrific treatments and traumas. 30 is not too bad, really, but I know how depressing the whole IF thing can get.
At least you know you are not alone.. there are those old black men out there :)
Post a Comment