I haven't really been feeling well lately and it's not just this
I had so many hopes and dreams that were to be accomplished by 25. My Mom turned 25, 2 weeks after giving birth to me. Growing up, I always told her I did not want to be an old** mom. In fact, I was going to be done or at least almost done, having all
That dream came to a screeching halt of reality about four and a half years ago. Unless there is some divine intervention complete with a parade and fireworks, I'll probably be at least 30 before we bring out the big guns (You know, when the Boy graduates!) and that saddens me. It saddens me because there is nothing I can do to fill this void until then. Plain and simple, it fucking sucks. Truly.
I hate crying about it. I hate feeling down about it. There's nothing I can do, nor can NYEBoy. When I get upset, he says he could just quit school and get a job making enough to do treatments. Of course, I am not going to let him do that. I wish he could understand that. As bad as it hurts, it's okay to mourn what I don't have until I do. I'm going to feel the emptiness. Some days the pain will be more raw than others and on those days, I might even cry.
* No offense to old black guys. I'm from Mem.phis and this is who I picture when I picture singing the Blues. So, fuck off.
** Hey, if I'm going to piss off the old black men, I may as well piss off the old women, too. Before you get all hostile towards me, I'm not calling you old.