I was watching 20/20 tonight, it was about Extreme Parenting. I was interested to see how they would portray an infertile. You know, cause we're all just so fucking crazy and about to blow at any moment.
The first segment was about childbirth's best kept secret. At first I thought they were playing the wrong video, it looked more like amateur porn. A woman, I'll call her Jane, outside under a tree, in water, having an orgasm while Tarzan kisses her and pours water all over her. What? No penis shot? Waiiiit for it. Oh, right, it's not a porn after all. It's actually something called orgasmic birthing. Close your eyes, pull it out, and I will bet five bucks you won't be able to tell the person you're actually listening to is having a baby. SURPRISE! It's the best kept secret folks, just don't tell anyone. And they call us crazy.
They also talked about natural, at home, no doctors needed birthing. I'm all for birthing naturally, but I wouldn't go as far to say you should do it, too. I would strongly suggest having a midwife and a back up plan, though. And if your high risk? Forget about it. Of course women did it natural, at home, with no medical professionals back in the day. But, I'm sure women and infants were at a higher risk of dying, too.
You know people are going to be talking about extreme breastfeeding. It's awesome if you can breast feed, but can anyone really give me a healthy reason a 5, 6, 7, 8, or 9 year old need to be breastfed? The thought of the 12 year old vividly remembering begging his mom for some of her nummies almost makes cringe. You know he's going to remember them in his teen years at this point, and to be honest, that's gross. And, the one 9 year old wishes she could still do it? I just don't get it. Vanilla ice cream, anyone? Or better yet, titty shots? After the husband giggled he wanted to get in the queue, I had visions of him licking Hershey's syrup on the back of his hand and taking a swig of titty milk. Mmm Mmm, Good! Who's next?
Serial surrogates was interesting. One lady did it the do-it-yourself style. She invited couples over for hor d'oeuvres, the male gave a sample, she pulled out the turkey baster, and nine months later she popped your kid out. Okay, y'alls kid, cuz it's half hers, but you can keep it. All was fun and games until one of the children ended up not being the guy from the dinner party's child, it was actually hers and her boyfriend's. But, since they didn't keep the receipt and it was over thirty days old, they decided to keep it. Maybe they'll re-gift him. Oh, and Mrs. DIY holds the world record for surrogacy. But, the runner up, did it the professional way. She always used a medical clinic and never used her own egg. Obviously they come from different sides of the railroad tracks.
And what would a show about Extreme Parenting be without those damn reborns? On one hand, my heart broke for those that were infertile and collecting those life like dolls, but on the other hand, what-the-fuck? Oh and silly them, why don't they just adopt? Ya know, cuz that's left for you folks that can't have kids.
The most profound moment of the entire show came when the guy said "A mother's job is to work herself out of a job". I stopped and looked at NYEBoy in silence. I stood up and said "That's it! I'm not fighting to be a Mom any more. I'm buying me a fucking reborn and going to school to be something. Why cry now if I'm going to be laid off after 18 years any way"? He smiled, and replied that the schooling sounded great, but if I got a reborn he would commit me to an institute.
On second thought, this stay-at-home-infertile gig sounds more relaxing.