Show & Tell - My Jobs

+ I was/am a babysitter. (The best one, hands down!)
+ I worked at a daycare for ten months, but left when they wouldn't give me a raise from $5.15.
+ I spent two school years working at a church preschool.
+ I worked from home as a daycare provider for awhile.
+ I worked as a nanny for a few years too. At one point, I was watching 6 kids under 4 and loving every moment of it. I only left because the children's grandfather (in his 40's, his daughter was close to my age) wanted to sleep with me, and I couldn't deal with the stress of his wife working there assuming I was sleeping with her husband.
+ I started my current job three years ago, working at a doctors office. I have enjoyed it way more than I ever imagined. Infact, I was offered the job a year before I began, but declined it even after the interview.

I am giving my notice Tuesday. It's a bittersweet time. A year ago, it would have been almost impossible to leave. But now, not so much. The office drama is beyond bullshit. I will dearly miss my patients and feel bad about leaving some of my co-workers though.

I plan on spending awhile working on my online business. If I notice it's not working out, I'll venture out into the working world again.

But my ultimate dream job is to be a Mom. No college degree or amount of zeros on a paycheck will give me greater satisfaction than that title.

So, what have you done? What do you do now? What's your dream job?

Leave Me Alone, I'm Working

I am leaving for Florida in three weekends. You would think I would want to spend as much time with my family and friends as I could, right? Wrong. I was actually happy the huricane is coming because NYEBoy decided to stay at home this weekend, just in case. Then, I had two invites to go out of town to hang out with friends and family for the last hoo-rah of the summer, but I declined those. I decided instead to stay at home on this long three day weekend so I could work on making a dent in the small fortune I spent on inventory in the last month.

I did tell my dad I would meet up with him for dinner tonight, though.

It's a step, right?

I guess it would only be a real step if I didn't feel guilty about going out, because do you know how much I could get done instead of putting up with this?

Girlfriend of The Year

Back away from the stage. I'll take the award, thankyouohsoverymuch.

After calling NYEBoy several times, I finally got ahold of him on the phone and told him to call me.

*ring, ring*
Me: Why the fuck haven't you called?
NYEBoy: I saw my dad had called, so I called him first. He said my dog died.
Me: I'm sorry [insert me being pissed off and not saying anything]

...After more silence and exchange of words...

Me: I think I'm getting sicker.
NYEBoy: How do you know?
Me: I have puss pockets on my tonsils now.
NYEBoy: Are you going to be okay?
Me: [insert sarcasm.] Yeah. I'll try not to die,
NYEBoy: That's not funny.
Me: Sorry.

Man, I'm such a bitch supportive girlfriend.

Who Are You Watching?

As a Democrat, I should be watching this.

But as a reality TV whore, I am watching this.

I know, I know...

Not So Wordless Wednesday

Today is suppose to be wordless. But I wasn't sure what to take a picture of. I mean, do you really want a picture of

My ass? Sure, it's nice and plump, but it's got two bruises on it from the shots because I am getting sick again, for the second time in three weeks. The time before that being the beginning of June.

My car? The one that dies every two to three weeks? Until it works longer than that, she's not getting all that attention of being posted on my blog.

My belly? How I look pregnant but I'm not? No, seriously. As infertility sick as I am, I took a side view pic of me last night. I guess if I never get a biological child, I just have to look at A to see what they would look like and look down to see what I would look like about two to three months pregnant.. That would be a good pic -- if there was something other than lard in there.

My house? And the thought of how much I have to pack in just a few weeks. Now THAT would be interesting. Maybe Sunday for Show & Tell.. maybe.

My phone? The one that being on the hook all day, only works for an hour at night. When your SO is hundreds of miles away, this sucks. But, you don't want to buy a new one because your leaving in less than four weeks.

My patient? The one that works at the hospital, who after checking her high BP last night, decided to go to work today, so she could walk in this afternoon, as I am leaving, knowing legally we can't turn her away. F.U.C.K.Y.O.U.B.I.T.C.H! I really can't stand walk ins, much less at the end of the day. Please just fucking call, you'll be able to get in. Maybe it is time for me to stay at home for a bit.

My computer? The one that shuts down after five minutes, even thought I just spent a chunk of money on inventory for eB.ay and really need to make a dent in the hundreds of clothes in the pile.

Well, you get the point. I'm tired. My life is crazy. I miss NYEBoy. I'm ready to move. I need a coke (cola) and a bag of sunflower seeds. I need A. I need money. I need sleep. I need this three day weekend.

A Letter To My Boss

Dear Boss,

I wanted to write you to let you know how annoyed I am at you. A year ago, I would have a hard time leaving this place to move to Florida. I do not feel that way today.

Today you overheard me tell a co-worker I had triaged a patient. You pulled me to the side and bitched at me for triaging. You told me to "leave it to the medical professionals". So I nodded and told you I wouldn't help another co-worker again. What you didn't know was that I had finished for the day. The other doctor had nine patients up and the guy I triage had been there for two hours. I only weighed him and took his temp. Do you know how happy that man was? I was joking with him as I brought him back, trying to ease the annoyance of having to wait so long. When he left, he thanked me for bringing him back, "finally". The nurse was thankful as well since she had no other help.

I really wish you would re-evaluate who you bitch at and grow some balls and tackle the real issues you have in the office. Please hurry up and give me my re.view so I can give you my notice.

Sincerely,
The girl who helps her co-workers in need.

PS: I can't wait until I am gone, then you will see how much shit I do for the patients and co-workers. They actually appreciate it, I just wish you could.

What Do They Have In Comman?

* 16 year old patient
* Thug Boy's 17 year old brother (who has a four month old)
* My friend K (the one who dated my brother) who is dating a married cop and her ex

One guess. I'm sure your right.

Give me a fucking break. Seriously.

Why, oh WHY? Why them and why the fuck not me?

[I didn't even cry. What's the point? Fucking life. You're so funny.]

Show & Tell - My New Banner

I'm cheating this week. My show & tell is my new banner. Although it actually debuted the day of my third blogoversary post.

It's dark and gray. It's plain and simple. It's an empty uterus. It's me.

NYEBoy likes the flowers better. I think he just prefers the colorful version of me. The dark and gray scares him.

Saying It Out Loud

Do you remember INPWT? Her twins just turned one last week, incase you were wondering. Anyways, we have been eating lunch together every day since I am getting ready to move. I guess our relationship is slowly getting back to what it was before she got pregnant. She always looks at me with a truly sad look and tells me, "I'm really going to miss you"! I'm going to miss her, too.

Well, we were talking at lunch yesterday, when she told me she wanted to do this with her. After much thought, I have decided I would really like to try to do it. After all, if she can do a triathlon with four kids and INPWT who has one year old twins and is about 75 lbs heavier than I am, surely I can get off my ass and try.

Funny thing is, NYEBoy's best friend and his girlfriend run this every year, too. We have four people at work commited to doing this. I'll round it out to five. I'll probably do my updates on training at my other blog. If you don't have the link, I'll repost it when I update it with the first post. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate running? I hate it almost as much as I hate the actualy pen to paper writing.

There's no going back now, I just commited to doing this out loud. Great, what did I just get myself into?

Not Enough Time

It's kind of tough blogging after my 3rd Blogoversary 100 Things list and leaving over 120 comments thanks to the IComLeavWe. I'm slightly bloggiexhausted.

I think I am moving the last week of September, wich only leaves me with about thirty or so days to finish organizing, packing, and saving. I feel so overwhelmed. NYEBoy wants me to come sooner, but I can't without the money for the moving truck. (OMG, have you moved lately? Holy Effing Shit!) I do miss him terribly though.

I have so much to pack, that I have actually thought about moving my bed in to the living room and using the bedroom as storage, as I organize everything. Seriously. I have a billion bins of eB.ay inventory, my desk stuff, my clothes, etc. Ugh.

I also really wanted to fix up A's bedroom at my Mom's house before I left. I just have to find time, some where. I also have three or four paintings I really should do before I leave for gifts. I feel guilty because I want to work on my online things, but I know I need to spend time with family and friends before I go. It's a tug-o-war.

I hope I can balance things enough to get it all done. I am ready for the next chapter, but finding it harder to flip the page.

Happy 3rd Blogoversary!

Today marks three years of blogging. I'm still infertile and childless. I never got around to doing a 100 Things, so I've decided today is the day!


1. Before I began blogging, I had always hated writing.
2. Thanks to blogging, I have learned to enjoy the words.
3. The more I think about it, the more I realize I hate the actual pen-to-paper writing, give me some fingers and keys any day!
4. I began my blog after I saw she had one.
5. We were in a TTC group together, with other women our age.
6. While most of them began getting pregnant and having their babies, it got lonelier.
7. Only two of the five of us that weren't able to get pregnant "on the board" are now moms.
8. She is going through the adoption process.
9. She just found out she is pregnant.
10. Despite being infertile and childless for four years, I sometimes don't feel infertile enough because I haven't endured as much as some others.
11. I had a partly peaceful childhood some where after the doctors appointments from being a preemie and between my Dad beating my Mom before the divorce.
12. After the divorce, I took my Mom's place at my Dad's house and my Dad's place at my Mom's house.
13. My Dad would beat me with a leather belt or his hand.
14. My Mom would throw things at me, pull my hair, or call me horrible names.
15. As bad as those years were, it has made me the rock of a woman I am today.
16. There were some teenage years I didn't think I had the strength to keep fighting.
17. If it weren't for my Grandma, I probably wouldn't be here today.
18. My parents were raised the same way.
19. I pray every single day I will not end up treating my children like they did me.
20. The thought of my child feeling an ounce of the way I felt alone and scared haunts me.
21. I wonder how many children we will have.
22. I wonder if we will get pregnant or have to go through adoption.
23. I wonder how many boys and girls we will have.
24. NYEBoy and I have talked about baby names. A lot.
27. I always said I would have six kids.
28. I don't want three kids because one always gets left out.
29. I secretly hoped I could tell NYEBoy we were expecting for his birthday.
30. I hope I make proud as the mother to his children.
31. I never imagined I would find love like this.
32. I know without a doubt he would never cheat on me or hurt me.
33. I wonder how much longer I am going to have to wait on a ring.
34. I wonder if I will get it at Christmas, our Anniversary, Valentine's Day, or my birthday.
35. I secretly hope it's none of those days.
36. Because I am expecting it on one of those days.
37. I want to be surprised.
38. I can't wait to actually be living together.
39. Living together scares the shit out of me.
40. There are only two reasons I could see us not working out.
41. Religion and my bitchiness.
42. He's an atheist.
43. I am a christian.
44. I don't bite my tongue hard enough.
45. I will not go any further on those two topics as they are too hot in this household.
46. I look forward to the future together.
47. He wants me to move now, not next month.
48. I would if it wasn't going to cost $1200 for a damn moving truck.
49. I'm afraid to leave my family.
50. I worry no one will bring A to see my dad.
51. I worry about my Grandma.
52. I worry about my Mom.
53. I worry about my Sister.
54. I worry the most about A.
55. My brother just moved three hours away from were I am moving.
56. I'll be glad to be far away from the drama.
57. I am hoping I won't feel so guilty to help everyone if I am not there.
58. We're suppose to have Christmas in Florida this year.
59. I am getting A for a week or two at a time, once or twice a month.
60. I wonder every day why God gave A to them.
61. The thought of her not getting the proper care frightens me.
62. I wonder if she will notice I'm not there.
63. I hope she grows up knowing no matter what they tell her, I've done a hell of a lot for her.
64. As much as I will miss my friends, I'm okay with leaving them.
65. I hope that's not bad.
66. I still feel bitter about the break up between my friend K and I.
67. I also feel bitter about the break up between my friend M and I, too.
68. Speaking of bitter, I still feel anger towards M.
69. I hope moving away helps heal the wound.
70. I don't miss him.
71. I just wonder why I deserved the way I was treated.
72. I can't wait to start cooking again.
73. I don't eat leftovers.
74. I am addicted to coke.
75. I drink 3-6 cans a day.
76. I've been drinking that many (and more) since I was a teenager.
77. I have my first one by 6:30 every morning.
78. Yes, I know it's bad for me.
79. I hate water.
80. I also love sunflower seeds.
81. I prefer BBQ, but will eat plain or ranch.
82. I got a salt burn on two spots on my tongue from eating so many last week while on vacation. Oops.
83. I need to lose weight.
84. I'm too afraid to get on the scale.
85. I know I'm the heaviest I have ever been.
86. I feel like it yo-yo's to much.
87. I think I will re-open my weight loss blog when I move in an effort to get healthier.
88. I am a night owl.
89. No matter what time I have to wake up, it's hard to get to sleep before midnight.
90. I always feel like there aren't enough hours in the day to do what I need to.
91. When people find out I won't work or go to school when I move, they freak out.
92. My dream job is to be a Mom.
93. I do plan on working from home, but mainly because people aren't "allowed" to be stay at home wives.
94. If I was a Mom, it would be okay. But since I'm infertile, it's not.
95. I don't feel like I am wasting my life because I am not going to school to be something big and awesome.
96. But I worry NYEBoy thinks less of me because I don't have dreams outside of motherhood.
97. I hope I don't wake up a childless wife in 10 years and feel like I wasted my life.
98. I wish I had the desire to do something amazing until then.
99. I honestly can't wait to stay at home again. And I swear I won't be bored!
100. I really hope I am a Mom by 2010.


It's crazy what a difference a year makes.

A Common Thread

A conversation between a new coworker and myself.


Me: That's my niece.
NC: Is that your baby? (pointing at the baby picture beside A)
Me: No, A is my baby. My body is broke. I can't have babies.
NC: Oh. I guess things happen for a reason.
Me: I guess.
NC: Yeah, I know how you feel. I've gotten pregnant twice while I was on birth control. We stopped birth control two months ago and we still can't get pregnant. It sucks.
Me: .................................

32

Apparently, that's my new favorite number.

For the second cycle in a row, my cycle was 32 days.

What's going on with this body of mine trying to become so, dare I say it, normal?

This is also the beginning of my 32nd cycle, but who's counting?

Show & Tell - My Cousin, Jenn

Six year ago today, my cousin Jennifer disappeared. She was fifteen. She was following a friend to a near by town, but never showed up. Since she was from a small town, the police brushed it off as if she was a runaway. Ninety-nine days after she disappeared, less than 48 hours after a private investigator took over the case, they pulled her car out of a lake. The lake was along the route she was believed to have taken following her friend. Her body was inside. It was Thanksgiving week when we got the news. It was an accident.

Jenn, we love and miss you.

I'm Sorry

I've been such an unsupportive girlfriend this week. I feel bad about it. NYEBoy doesn't deal with change very well. So, moving everything to a new state by himself has really thrown him off. His dad is also getting ready to move to Thialand. He's called me several times this week, but each time I've blown him off. But, in my defense he has called when I am busy working, taking care of the baby, helping my mom, or shopping.

I was supose to go to Tallahasee with him this past week, but I stayed at home. I didn't want to be in the car all those hours. He went to Florida Sunday, came home Tuesday, went back out yesterday and I would have had to come back home Sunday. The last trip we made in May took me almost a week to recovery physically. Remember, my body sucks.

NYEBoy, I'm sorry I haven't been there for you this week. I miss you so much and can't wait to see you again. I hope you'll forgive me. I love you.

Dinner With Dad

Thank you for the prayers and support. It means a lot, truly.

My dad called me tonight to remind me about our dinner plans tomorrow night. I completely forgot because I am still mad at him. I hate going to dinner with my dad. He will give you a time to be at his house, but he won't be ready. In fact, you are guaranteed to spent at least an hour reminding him why you are there. You will spend no less than thirty minutes telling him to take a shower. Once he has emerged from the shower with a towel around his waist, you will spend no less than thirty minutes telling him to get dressed. He will finally manage to get some clothes on and tell you he's ready by telling you to go start the car. You will spend no less than ten minutes in the car while he makes himself a drink. A wild turkey and coke. He will eventually lock his house door and get in the car. Eventually.

You will either eat at a family oriented restaurant or the Mexican joint down the street from his house. If you are at the family oriented restaurant and get a waitress, he will flirt with her the entire night. If you think your safe at the Mexican joint, rest assured he will act a fool by speaking half-English half-Spanish the entire night.

You get to pick whatever you want on the menu, I aim for the most expensive meal. You will earn it after listening to him talk about how fucked up your entire family is. Your mother gambles and deserves to have her house taken from her. Your brother is wasting his life and needs to get a job. Your sister is still with that fucking loser and she's never going to have anything because of him. You will also get to enjoy the never-ending speech about how after the divorce he was left with nothing and now he has a lot to be thankful for. He will tell you about the latest stocks you should look into.

A long, long, long time later, dinner will finally be over. It will take him twenty minutes to count the total plus a twenty dollar tip so you can pay and get the fuck out of there. You will apologize to anyone within earshot and thank the waitress for putting up with y'all.

You will drive him home and park his car, just so. You will give him a hug thanking him for dinner. As you get into your car it will take him ten minutes to get from the car to the door. You'll sit there cursing him in your car, saying "hurry the fuck up! I've got to get the fuck out of here"!

The whole way home you will wish you had paid for dinner by yourself, but be thankful you spent time with him and now you will have something to blog about.

You Pull The Left Arm & You Pull The Right One

and I will just stand right here.

Ready? Set? Go!

I went to my Mom's house to pick up the papers for her short term disability from work. While I was there, the mailman pulled up. He said he had a certified letter for Mom, so I signed, explaining she was recovering from surgery, 40 minutes away. I thought I was signing for the disability papers, because I knew it was coming certified. Except, upon flipping the envelope over, it was actually from the mortgage company.

How appropriate, I was on my way to meet with my Dad to ask him for help. My dad is an asshole. He always has been, always will be. I knew he only had 30 minutes to unload his truck from landscaping to take a shower and leave for his other job. So, I didn't fuck around, I got to the point.

"I know you only have a few minutes, but this can't wait. Mom had surgery yesterday as you know and will be out of work for about eight weeks with only a portion of her pay. Yesterday, while I was helping her, she began crying telling me her rent was due Friday and she's three months behind. She gets a check tomorrow, but it's not enough to cover it. She said she knows she's messed up by helping (my brother) when he lost his job, moved to Utah, and came back. She wanted me to tell you she needs your help, you are her only option. In fact, while I was at the house picking up her disability papers, I accidentally signed for the foreclosure notice from the mortgage company. If they don't receive the payment in full in the next thirty days, they will foreclose."

(insert uncomfortable silence here)

He shook his head and told me he wasn't going to help. He said he can't do it because he has helped her before and she promised she wouldn't do it again.

I am pissed off at my mom for being such a fucking addicted gambler that she does this shit every fucking three-four months. I am pissed she put me in the middle. I am so pissed off at my dad for not helping. I am pissed because he knows damn fucking well he has the money to help her, but would feel better suited to let the house get foreclosed than to suck it up. He's a gambler, too. He just has better luck and more money.

I don't have the means to help her, it would probably take every dime from my next two paychecks to help, and I can't do that because I am leaving TN in two paychecks. I am tired of bailing my Mom out every few months, but it's gut wrenching to sit by not doing anything.

I'm not sure what's going to happen now. I just wish she would get some fucking help.

Due Friday

My Mom's surgery went well. She is at my Grandma's house resting. I'll go by there again tomorrow.

While talking with my Mom tonight, she told me she's three months behind on her rent again. It's due Friday.

Of course she is.

Of fucking course she is.

She's out on medical leave with only 60% pay for the next two months, too.

Anyone have a life raft? This ship's 'a sink'n!

Surgery In The Morning

My mom is going to have surgery in the morning. She has a ruptured L4 and nerve damage according to the MRI. They stuck 2 inch needles in her legs at an appointment this morning and she couldn't even feel them.

Send some prayers. Thanks.

NYEBoy closed on the townhouse today. Yey.

Prayers For Mom

My mom is in need of a prayer (or two). She has been off work for a litle over a week. She has a bulging disc in her back, which is putting her through a lot of pain. She can't walk for more than a few steps, slouching, without almost falling to the ground. She hasn't been able to lay flat, either.

She had an MRI scheduled yesterday, but they were unable to get her on the machine laying flat. She had to reschedule for Friday, as they may try to sedate her. She is afraid if she has surgery she will lose her house, because of all the bills.

Even though I work for a doctor's office, we are unable to find anyone to do a nerve block until next week at the earliest. Sigh.

I feel bad for my mommy. She's been staying at my aunt/grandma's house, so they can help her.

Thanks, Blogger!

Before I logged in I wasn't sure what I was going to blog about. I should have gone to bed. I want to count sheep, not sweet babies. I'm fucking infertile, punk!

Dude, pass me a cold one, please.

The Last Weekend

Well, NYEBoy just left. This was the last weekend before the move. I am heading to Florida with him next weekend for a week. After that, we probably won't see each other until I move. I think I have decided my last day of work will be Sept 19th. I will make it offical after the labor day holiday.