Oh How I Wish...

I wish I could get pregnant on my own, without any medical help. If I got pregnant without medical help, I wouldn't have to wait for the right time. I wouldn't have to save thousands of dollars for treatments or adoption. I wouldn't have to wait for a cycle to start. I wouldn't have to wait for him to be ready for adoption.

This sucks.

Wordless Wednesday

All the photos weren't perfect. Heh. Silly Girl.

Wow Moments

This morning I woke up late for work. I usually fall asleep on my left side because I can't hear out of my left ear, but I managed to roll onto my right side in the night, so I didn't hear my alarm. I called work to tell them a quick "Oh shit, I'm sorry. I'm coming, watch my desk, please"! I called my boss to tell her I was on my way, too. After I hung up, I started crying. Crying because if it wasn't for "IT" it wouldn't matter what side I laid on.

I had another WOW moment today. I have always looked a lot younger than I am. I found out most patients with "IT" tend to look younger, too. This shit is very interesting. I'm finding the more I am learning about "IT", the more I am feeling blessed I am a fully functioning adult and alive for that matter.

Double Edged Sword

I talked with a few physicians at my office today about "IT". The physician I called over the weekend told me as she read the "official" website for "IT" she was very disturbed. Sigh. Not something you want to hear when someone is referring to your health. I'm just blessed I work in the medical field with so much information at my finger tips.

"IT" affects hearing, vision, heart, esophagus, kidneys, fertility, and gastric area, just to name a few major issues--making it an official clusterfuck. Tomorrow I am getting an ultrasound (at work) of my kidneys before we send me to a geneticist. Of all the affected areas, those haven't had any known issues to date, so they "just want to be sure". It's safe to say at this point, we don't expect "IT" to kill me since it hasn't already. It's nice to have a name for my medical history though.

On the flip side, it sucks so bad knowing the chances of me passing this on are 50/50. After using Dr. Google to research "IT", I believe my parents were lucky that I don't suffer from any mental or physical retardation as most kids apparently do. Despite having PCOS, I still had hope I would eventually have a child one day. However, I am not sure I am willing to risk this. They can't test the embryo, but you can test the fetus using CVS. I'm not sure I'm willing to go through that.

I'm still not ready to say what "IT" is. Thanks for all the well wishes. I'll get through this, like many before it.

Show & Tell #3

Is there really anything to tell you about this adorable little twirp? We had fun getting her two year old pictures today. It was even more fun considering we spent two hours at the minor med and she didn't have a nap all day. Out of 66 poses, I bought 11 of them.

On a side note, while at the minor med for her, the doctor and I discussed something about me. After coming home to Dr.Google it, I am going to get genetic testing to see if I have this. If I do, I haven't decided if I am willing to continue TTC, the risk of me passing this to my child is 50%. I don't want to discuss what "it" is at the moment, but literally, a light bulb went off in my head today. The same lightbulb that shinned when I Dr.Google PCOS. It's a fluke the doctor and I even met today, so I have to look at this as a sign. Some of my family and NYEBoy think it's bullshit, but I think they may just be in denial.

In A Funk

I'm in a funk. I told NYEBoy I didn't want him coming up for the weekend. He took it personally, which hurt his feelings. It's not him. I just don't want to do any thing this weekend, with any one.

I am coming to the end of some work drama. July 1st will mark my 4yr mark of TTC. Thugboy is acting like an asshole right now by keeping A from me. He's not taking care of her, he just doesn't want *me* to have her. I'm dealing with family drama from my mom, dad, brother, sister, and aunt. All have their own seperate issues. I am worried about the finances it's going to take for me to make the move in a few months.

I just want to get off work tomorrow night knowing I don't have any obligations until Monday morning at 7am at which point I have to return to work. If I want to sit in the apartment wearing the same clothes for two days without taking a shower, only leaving the house to get something to eat at a drive-thru, sleeping as long as I want, or laughing and crying as loud as I need to, then noone can say a thing about it.

I just wish he wouldn't take it personally because I really feel guilty. I just really need to be alone for a few days.

Happy 2nd Birthday, Big Girl!

Has it really been another year?


I can not believe you are two years old today! It's crazy. This year had more highs than lows compared to your first year. I still worry every day you will grow up not knowing how much I did for you in the first few years of your life. I worry what your mom and dad will tell you about me or what they will not tell you about me. While I was trying to put together a slideshow for GraGra, Grandma, and Pawpaw, I started to cry looking at the pictures. You are so amazing. I love you more than you will ever know. I hope you grow up to be the best that you can be, if you ever need me, I will *always* be here for you.

Shhh, don't tell anyone, but I am trying to figure out a way to put you in the U-Haul in September when we move sweet girl.. I have no fucking idea what I am going to do without you a few minutes away. I'm sure uncle NYEBoy won't be too suprised to see you when we arrive in Florida... hehe!

I love you baby! Your party will be July 6th and you're going to have a blast. I can hardly wait!

Show & Tell #2

It's a good thing I work at a doctor's office, but it's also a bad thing I work at a doctor's office. Tuesday after leaving the appointment, I got off the phone and called my office. By Wednesday morning I had scheduled my own cat scan appointment for that afternoon, instead of waiting on the sweet old nurse to call me with that appointment "some time in the next few days". By Thursday morning I became one of "those" patients. You know, the ones that keep calling instead of waiting on the nurse to call with the report. I finally got a copy of the report after the lady got sick of me calling as soon as they could.

The ear report said it wasn't a tumor, so they are thinking it may be a calcium build up or scar tissue. The sinus report said I did have a deviated septum, which we will discuss surgery when the doctor returns from vacation next week.

Thankfully the nurses will stop hearing from me I can sleep a little bit easier.

Can You Say That Again?

...because I can't HEAR you! I went to see the doctor today, who shall be renamed Dr.Hottie from this post on.

After going over my medical history, he looked at my ears. He went on to discuss how the hearing test I had performed before seeing him was very bad. My right ear is "okay", but the left ear is horrible. Apparently the ear nerves "work" but don't "work" with the ear drum. He strongly suggested me to consider hearing aids. This weekend my lazy redneck old ass aunt said she was going to get some hearing aids soon, maybe we can make a family bonding experiance out if it. NOT!

As far as the tumor, he really couldn't make a comfortable decision just yet. He wants me to go for a cat scan. Thankfully, I work at a doctor's office, so I am going to call tomorrow and get the hook-up to try to get seen in the next 36 hours or so. After the results are back, usually within 24 hours, he wants to see me again. So, I may know something by Friday, but hopefully no later than the early part of next week.

He looked at my sinuses, because why not?, and deemed them shitty, too. So I have to get a cat scan at the same time for those, too, because why not?

As much as I am glad I am able to walk and breathe without help, I really think my body fucking sucks for only being twenty-four! Geez, if I can cause this much shit in this amount of time, I can't imagine what in the hell they are going to put in the ground if I ever manage to hit 75 or 100.

Alright, I am taking my hard at hearing, cyst on the ovaries, stitched up heart-esophagus-AND-ears old ass to bed, because I am aching, because I have shitty bones--at twenty-four.

Because, why not?

WHAT DID YOU SAY? IIIII CAN'T HEAR YOU!! AYE AYE CAPTAIN!

Wish Me Luck *Updated*

I'm busy doing some things tonight, so no time to post much. I just wanted to ask that you think about me tomorrow and say a little prayer. Doctor appointment is at 3:20 CST. I will post tomorrow evening. Thanks!

*Update 10:28pm CST*
I've been very cool, calm, and collective about this whole "I think you have a tumor in your ear" thing. Everyone else around me? Eh, not so much. Well, I've joined the masses and I am sort of kind of freaking out. I snuck a visit to Dr.Google hoping I would find *something* pointing towards relaxation, but found nothing, which isn't exactly a good thing on the nerves. Sigh. T minus a tad over 16 hours...

Please Feel Free

Next time I get the idea to spend the night at my lazy redneck family in Arkansas, please remind me that they will never change.

Yes, the kid wears footed pajamas in the spring. FUCK OFF!
Yes, she has a sippy cup and likes milk. FUCK OFF!
No, she's not potty trained, she's still one. FUCK OFF!

She's a 36lb 3ft 1/2in 1 year old. The footed pajamas, sippy cup of milk, and diapers did not cause it, it's called genetics you fucking moron!

Take your precious child and her fucking magical blanket and kiss my big fat ass.

Arggggg!

Pregnancy Dreams

I'm sure I am not the only TTC'er who has had a pregnancy dream. The other night I had a dream I peed on a stick, of course two lines appeared. But, I kept telling my friend in the dream "This is a dream, I'm not really pregnant. Stop!" My friend convinced me to pee on another stick, because it wasn't a dream. So I did. It was a BFP! Holy shit, I'm not dreaming after all. I hugged two friends and told them I couldn't believe it, FINALLY!!!

Then, I woke up, peed on a stick and got a BFN. Doesn't that fucking suck? Admit it, you've peed on a stick after a dream, too, haven't you?

---
My appointment to see the specialists is scheduled for Tuesday afternoon. Sigh.

Happy Thoughts...

I've been sick with my sore throat and ears. Although my sore throat is getting better, my ears haven't. I asked a different doctor to glance in my ears to see what she thought. Yes, you're suppose to give medicines time to work, but it's still just as painful as last week. She checked the hurting ear, then glanced at the other, and back to the sore ear. She told me she thinks I have a tumor in my ear. So, I have an appointment scheduled for next week to see a specialist.

And, my period started when I got home from work today.

::insert happy thoughts here::

Can You Count With Me?

Just for a moment folks...

1 Pavilion
1 Lake
1 Playground
1 Dora bounce house
1 custom Dora cake
120 Juice Containers
96 bottles of water
390 forks, spoons, & knifes
400 napkins
120 cups
120 plates
25 goodie bags
6lbs of sour cream
5lbs of shredded cheese
4lbs of cheese cubes
12lbs of chips
2lbs of salsa
4lbs of cheese dip
6 table cloths
8-2 liter sodas
50 noise crafts
50 crowns & tiaras
4 containers of hand sanitizer
tons of games (baseballs & bats, golf, bubbles)
48 pieces of chalk


...still left to buy/make
4lbs of shredded lettuce
162 fajitia shells
15lbs of meat
4lbs of celery sticks
8lbs of carrot sticks
1lb ranch dressing
25 necklaces
handful of decorations
50 balloons
4-2liters of soda
6 gallons of tea
120lbs of ice

...all for 70 guest and one very, very lucky soon-to-be 2 yr old.

(I'm sure there are more things I haven't remembered.)

Really

You're shocked aren't you?

Yes, I'm still sick. My blood count was up again yesterday from last week. So, I got a shot and meds for my ear. I was told to go to bed! I am at home again today, I'll go back tomorrow.

Four Letter S Word

Sick.

I'm sick. Again.

My tonsils are swollen, left ear is infected, and white count is elevated. This sucks, big time.

I wanted to show and tell you something today, but haven't felt like being at the computer.


Five letter S word, I'm sorry.