I closed my eB@y store last night. I haven't had time to really work on it, plus they made some rather shitty announcements yesterday. Oddly enough, tonight I came into getting some inventory at a price I couldn't refuse. So, my goal is to have it back up next month. I really want to get my jewelry up and running better too, but it's hard to work 40-50 hours a week then coming home and working online also.
Wish me luck! I hope to be able to stay at home a year or so from now, if I can make my income now, plus some, in sales on my website and other venues.
Wednesday, January 30
The Old Guy vs. The New Guy
The Old Guy, M -
M is currently dating three women, 18, 25, and 39. Yeah, I made the right decision. I know this, but it still isn't easy at times. I am not "in love" with M any more, but the above statement alone makes my blood boil. I probably only see M for a few hours a week now, however each time I see him I get even more upset. I don't want to be back with him, but everything I asked him to work on while we were together, he has worked on since the spilt. What is/was so wrong about me that he couldn't/wouldn't/didn't work on them while we were together? He's actually taking care of him self better, dressing nicer, actually planning on getting a better paying job, and even "nice" to me now. Why now, why not then?
The New Guy, NYEBoy -
NYEBoy, what can I say? He's awesome. We have actual discussions (when I am not bitching, sorry!) about real topics. He adores me and spoils me better than I deserve. He respects me. He's got ambition about the future. I don't have to remind him to take a shower. He dresses nice. He takes care of himself. He's everything I could ask for, and more.
I feel like I don't deserve NYEBoy. I am having a hard time putting my heart on the line again and letting him in. I am keeping the pieces close to me. It's hard. I want to be truly happy again, I don't want to care that M is dating so many women, I don't want to keep asking about the 'why didn't he..?" any more.
It's so fucking hard to let go of someone completely and let someone else in. I hope NYEBoy sticks around and doesn't give up on me too soon. I care a lot about him, but I am scared.
Sigh.
M is currently dating three women, 18, 25, and 39. Yeah, I made the right decision. I know this, but it still isn't easy at times. I am not "in love" with M any more, but the above statement alone makes my blood boil. I probably only see M for a few hours a week now, however each time I see him I get even more upset. I don't want to be back with him, but everything I asked him to work on while we were together, he has worked on since the spilt. What is/was so wrong about me that he couldn't/wouldn't/didn't work on them while we were together? He's actually taking care of him self better, dressing nicer, actually planning on getting a better paying job, and even "nice" to me now. Why now, why not then?
The New Guy, NYEBoy -
NYEBoy, what can I say? He's awesome. We have actual discussions (when I am not bitching, sorry!) about real topics. He adores me and spoils me better than I deserve. He respects me. He's got ambition about the future. I don't have to remind him to take a shower. He dresses nice. He takes care of himself. He's everything I could ask for, and more.
I feel like I don't deserve NYEBoy. I am having a hard time putting my heart on the line again and letting him in. I am keeping the pieces close to me. It's hard. I want to be truly happy again, I don't want to care that M is dating so many women, I don't want to keep asking about the 'why didn't he..?" any more.
It's so fucking hard to let go of someone completely and let someone else in. I hope NYEBoy sticks around and doesn't give up on me too soon. I care a lot about him, but I am scared.
Sigh.
Monday, January 28
My Upcoming Birthday
New Guy vs. Old guy post to come when I can think better. Ha!
I would like to say though, whatever told me it was okay to start a diet on a Monday, was fucking stupid. No soda? Yikes. Out of the first 10 patients, 7 were walk ins. FUCKING SEVEN!!!! This is NOT a walk in clinic, pick up a fucking phone. I have almost finished day one. Blah. I feel like shit.
So, this weekend new guy and I were talking, and it hit me. I am no where near where I thought I would be at 2-. I will be 2- on my next birthday and have nothing to show for it. I have been out of school for seven years, seven years? Wow.
Where did I want to be at 2-? To be a honest, my dreams of adulthood only consisted of being a wife and a mom. I don't want to do anything else, I'm sure that's sad to some. I don't have any big dreams of being a lawyer, doctor, teacher, nurse, or banker. Kudoos if you are any of those or hope to be one. I prefer the "simple life", Wife & Mom. I guess I never thought it wouldn't be so simple.
Now I feel like a failure. A no body. I'm not a wife or a mom. I'm a single infertile, about as far as you can be from that dream. And it sucks.
I need to sit down and make a list of things I want to accomplish before next year's birthday. It could possibly be even more depressing, if I don't.
[I am full of fruit and soup, however I would kill for a soda or a chocolate ice cream cone right now. FUCK! If I gain weight on this, I will be pissed.]
I would like to say though, whatever told me it was okay to start a diet on a Monday, was fucking stupid. No soda? Yikes. Out of the first 10 patients, 7 were walk ins. FUCKING SEVEN!!!! This is NOT a walk in clinic, pick up a fucking phone. I have almost finished day one. Blah. I feel like shit.
So, this weekend new guy and I were talking, and it hit me. I am no where near where I thought I would be at 2-. I will be 2- on my next birthday and have nothing to show for it. I have been out of school for seven years, seven years? Wow.
Where did I want to be at 2-? To be a honest, my dreams of adulthood only consisted of being a wife and a mom. I don't want to do anything else, I'm sure that's sad to some. I don't have any big dreams of being a lawyer, doctor, teacher, nurse, or banker. Kudoos if you are any of those or hope to be one. I prefer the "simple life", Wife & Mom. I guess I never thought it wouldn't be so simple.
Now I feel like a failure. A no body. I'm not a wife or a mom. I'm a single infertile, about as far as you can be from that dream. And it sucks.
I need to sit down and make a list of things I want to accomplish before next year's birthday. It could possibly be even more depressing, if I don't.
[I am full of fruit and soup, however I would kill for a soda or a chocolate ice cream cone right now. FUCK! If I gain weight on this, I will be pissed.]
Sunday, January 27
I Guess It Has Been A Week, Oops!
I just got off the phone with NYEBoy, checking to make sure he's safely on his way back home from another weekend, and he is. It was a nice weekend. He'll be back next weekend, though.
I stopped taking the diet pills last week and decided I would try a diet instead, the S@cred He@rt diet, g00gle it for more information. I know it's a f@d diet, but whatever. My buddy K and I are going to do it two weeks on, one week off, for a month or two. Then we will go to two weeks on, two weeks off. This all depends of course on if it works! None the less, it means more fruits and veggies, and less carbs and sugar, that's for sure. I probably just need to lose 20 pounds, I'll know for sure, how much, when I weigh myself in the morning. I think, let me make that, I know, the hardest thing will be no soda. I usually have two sodas before my doctor even gets to work in the morning. Bad, huh? I'm sker-rid!
I have been working a lot since I have been back to work, everything else has been neglected, and it's showing! I promise I will try my best to post at least five times this week. I already have my topics brewing, from my upcoming birthday, to the new guy vs. the ex, to my online business, and whatever else I feel like tangling my mind and fingers around this week.
God bless, and have a safe week!
I stopped taking the diet pills last week and decided I would try a diet instead, the S@cred He@rt diet, g00gle it for more information. I know it's a f@d diet, but whatever. My buddy K and I are going to do it two weeks on, one week off, for a month or two. Then we will go to two weeks on, two weeks off. This all depends of course on if it works! None the less, it means more fruits and veggies, and less carbs and sugar, that's for sure. I probably just need to lose 20 pounds, I'll know for sure, how much, when I weigh myself in the morning. I think, let me make that, I know, the hardest thing will be no soda. I usually have two sodas before my doctor even gets to work in the morning. Bad, huh? I'm sker-rid!
I have been working a lot since I have been back to work, everything else has been neglected, and it's showing! I promise I will try my best to post at least five times this week. I already have my topics brewing, from my upcoming birthday, to the new guy vs. the ex, to my online business, and whatever else I feel like tangling my mind and fingers around this week.
God bless, and have a safe week!
Sunday, January 20
Better Late Than Never?
The Friday before last we had an announcement that my assboss (assistant boss, turned office manager) would be leaving as office manager to help at the business office with the computer guy. I honestly think they felt sorry for him because his wife was laid off as a teacher this fall and they have two kids. He just wasn't capable of being an office manager to our large practice.
The new office manager I really like. She use to be the side-kick to our head honcho. She is my age, which not many people know about, so that's a good thing for me. We have had several in-the-closet meetings and updates in the past week since she started. In fact, she has done more for me in the past week than assboss did in 2 years, with more results coming in the very near future.
Congratulations to Larisa and T on their precious daughters.
It's been a long time coming for the change in management, and sorry it's taken so long to congratulate L & T. It's better late than never, right?
The new office manager I really like. She use to be the side-kick to our head honcho. She is my age, which not many people know about, so that's a good thing for me. We have had several in-the-closet meetings and updates in the past week since she started. In fact, she has done more for me in the past week than assboss did in 2 years, with more results coming in the very near future.
Congratulations to Larisa and T on their precious daughters.
It's been a long time coming for the change in management, and sorry it's taken so long to congratulate L & T. It's better late than never, right?
Thursday, January 17
I Thought This Was A New Year
Do you want to know how this year is starting out like the last one?
Well, if you guessed because my co-workers are increasingly continuing to procreate, then you're right.
Two announcements in one week.
F.u.c.k.y.o.u.t.o.o.
As for yesterday's post, I am taking @dipex. My doctor prescribed it. I am only taking a half a pill right now. Today I did have an elevated BP and heartrate at work, but once I got home I felt better.
Well, if you guessed because my co-workers are increasingly continuing to procreate, then you're right.
Two announcements in one week.
F.u.c.k.y.o.u.t.o.o.
As for yesterday's post, I am taking @dipex. My doctor prescribed it. I am only taking a half a pill right now. Today I did have an elevated BP and heartrate at work, but once I got home I felt better.
Diet Pills
I filled my prescription for diet pills on the 18th with plans to start on the 19th, then I had the wreck. Since there are side effects from diet pills I deceided not to fuck with my body and throw some crazy pills into the mix. So, I waited.
I started the pills on Monday, but decided to stick with only half a pill for the first week to see how my body responds first. The major side effects are being a bitch and heart problems. I can't tell if my being a bitch is coming from the pills or from being exhausted from working working 11-13 hours a day since I went back to work. In any case, M and NYEBoy got my wrath tonight, sorry guys. I haven't, *banging head on a pile of wood*, had any heart problems. Now, let's just keep it that way!
I have lost 2-4lbs since Monday. I just wish I could find time to work out a few days a week. We have been given permission to use physical therapy to work out, but I can't seem to get *my* work done in 11-13 hours, muchless staying even later to exercise, especially, all by myself.
Coming up next, how my January is starting out like last year, the latest on my assboss, and some belated congratulations.
I started the pills on Monday, but decided to stick with only half a pill for the first week to see how my body responds first. The major side effects are being a bitch and heart problems. I can't tell if my being a bitch is coming from the pills or from being exhausted from working working 11-13 hours a day since I went back to work. In any case, M and NYEBoy got my wrath tonight, sorry guys. I haven't, *banging head on a pile of wood*, had any heart problems. Now, let's just keep it that way!
I have lost 2-4lbs since Monday. I just wish I could find time to work out a few days a week. We have been given permission to use physical therapy to work out, but I can't seem to get *my* work done in 11-13 hours, muchless staying even later to exercise, especially, all by myself.
Coming up next, how my January is starting out like last year, the latest on my assboss, and some belated congratulations.
Monday, January 14
A Strangers Funeral
Have you ever been to a stranger's funeral? I have.
A little over eight years ago a friend in high school committed suicide. The funeral was on a Saturday. My friend's mom was going to C's funeral and offered to let me ride. We arrived at the funeral only to find it wasn't my C. It was another guy also named C. That was the first stranger's funeral I had ever been to. There is nothing like watching family and friends grieve for a loved one that you don't even know. It's awful.
Eight months ago, my co-workers son died. That was the second stranger's funeral I went to. It was also very, very sad.
Friday, Steph@nie passed away. Something told me I needed to go. I didn't "know" anyone there, except the doctor. I never even got to see him though. Since the dinner I have read her journal entries and felt a bond. When she passed away, I cried. She was a daughter, wife, mother, aunt, relative, friend, teacher, and more. A is the same age her daughter was when she found out she had cervical c@ncer. I can't imagine, as an aunt, muchless a mother, knowing I only had a few more precious months to be with A and my family. The service was packed. I honestly couldn't even see anything because there was SO many people there. But I stood there, listening to her friends and family speak. It was hard. My heart goes out to her husband, daughter, family, and friends. She was a strong woman. She was only 28. If you haven't, please look into getting the G@rdasil shot. It hurts, but what Steph@nie's family is going through hurts worse. May she be free from that wicked body of hers.
Don't watch this without tissues.
This was the third stranger's funeral I have been to. I hope I never have to go to another one.
A little over eight years ago a friend in high school committed suicide. The funeral was on a Saturday. My friend's mom was going to C's funeral and offered to let me ride. We arrived at the funeral only to find it wasn't my C. It was another guy also named C. That was the first stranger's funeral I had ever been to. There is nothing like watching family and friends grieve for a loved one that you don't even know. It's awful.
Eight months ago, my co-workers son died. That was the second stranger's funeral I went to. It was also very, very sad.
Friday, Steph@nie passed away. Something told me I needed to go. I didn't "know" anyone there, except the doctor. I never even got to see him though. Since the dinner I have read her journal entries and felt a bond. When she passed away, I cried. She was a daughter, wife, mother, aunt, relative, friend, teacher, and more. A is the same age her daughter was when she found out she had cervical c@ncer. I can't imagine, as an aunt, muchless a mother, knowing I only had a few more precious months to be with A and my family. The service was packed. I honestly couldn't even see anything because there was SO many people there. But I stood there, listening to her friends and family speak. It was hard. My heart goes out to her husband, daughter, family, and friends. She was a strong woman. She was only 28. If you haven't, please look into getting the G@rdasil shot. It hurts, but what Steph@nie's family is going through hurts worse. May she be free from that wicked body of hers.
Don't watch this without tissues.
This was the third stranger's funeral I have been to. I hope I never have to go to another one.
Sunday, January 13
Weekend Rewind
Friday evening we went to dinner. We came back to the apartment and watched I n0w pronounce you Larry & Chuck, apparently it was a good movie, I fell asleep some where between I and Chuck. Saturday we woke up and ran some errands. NYEBoy set me up with some wi-fi so I can check my iph0ne from the bed, couch, or even toilet if I feel the need be, Awesome! We went to dinner here, again, awesome! We had the lobster spinach queso for appetizer, filet & shrimp for entree, and creme brulee cheesecake for dessert, yum-o! We went and saw this afterwards. Not exactly an infertiles top choice, however, I did managed to make it through without a tear. Today we went to the mall where I picked up one of these and this. I had a great weekend, he will be back in two weeks, although he wanted to come down next weekend, but I am desperately in due for a girls night out.
I also went to Stephanie's funeral today, more about that tomorrow.
Hope you all have a wonderful Monday.
I also went to Stephanie's funeral today, more about that tomorrow.
Hope you all have a wonderful Monday.
Friday, January 11
Fuck, Take II
I guess I was trying to post from my iph0ne last night but apparently never made it. Anyways.. This week has been a week from hell, I am utterly exhausted! Mr. NYEBoy is coming in tonight for the weekend. Yey!
For those interested.. Steph@niepassed away this morning. I never met her, but I may try to go to the funeral this weekend. She has touched many, many lives. May God be with the family during this time. My heart goes out to them.
For those interested.. Steph@niepassed away this morning. I never met her, but I may try to go to the funeral this weekend. She has touched many, many lives. May God be with the family during this time. My heart goes out to them.
Sunday, January 6
Not Ready
I am not ready to go back to work tomorrow.
I am very well rested, but still not ready.
Wish me luck, God knows I'll need it on a Monday!
I am very well rested, but still not ready.
Wish me luck, God knows I'll need it on a Monday!
Saturday, January 5
Do you think he likes me?
First he got me this...
Then he got me these...
And now this...
I don't deserve these. Or Him.
Then he got me these...
And now this...
I don't deserve these. Or Him.
Friday, January 4
Times Almost Up
I had the wreck three days before my vacation was to begin. The vacation where I was going to spend sixteen days busy as hell getting my websites up and running. Well, the wreck caused my vacation to start earlier, throwing off my plans entirely. My friend asked me what I did with the list I wrote, truth be told, I can't find it.
I feel guilty I didn't get anything done. I feel guilty because I feel well rested. I don't know what I have done the past 16 days, but they are gone. I probably won't do much the next three days, either. I hate that my vacation is almost up, I wish I didn't have to go back, but someone has to pay my bills. Ha.
Tomorrow I am going to lunch with my friend who's son died last year. I am also meeting up with another girlfriend when she gets off work. It's my last "off" day, as far as weekdays are concerned.
I feel guilty I didn't get anything done. I feel guilty because I feel well rested. I don't know what I have done the past 16 days, but they are gone. I probably won't do much the next three days, either. I hate that my vacation is almost up, I wish I didn't have to go back, but someone has to pay my bills. Ha.
Tomorrow I am going to lunch with my friend who's son died last year. I am also meeting up with another girlfriend when she gets off work. It's my last "off" day, as far as weekdays are concerned.
Wednesday, January 2
Luck Makes Me Sick Tonight
This morning I had to take care of something important. The towing company has graciously offered to write off all the charges as long as I signed over the car title to them. Since it was a '96 S@ble, I only had liability. I had to go downtown to file for a lost car title since I was unable to locate it.
As soon as I took care of the paperwork, the lady took me to my car to get the remaning belongings out. It was at that moment that I realized I had forgot my camera at the house, fourty minutes away. I had M snap a few shots with the camera phone, though. As I leaned in through the window to remove my steering wheel cover, I started to get sick. The car really is worse than I remember. Neither front door would open, both front ends were smashed, and the right windshield was smashed.
It was weird taking everything out of the car. I put all the trash into the front seat for them thanks to my OCD-ness. The passanger floor had the coke stain from my open drink that morning. The seats were cold and hard since the windows have been down. My windshield was frightening. The burgandy paint was on the left corner. The mud from the ditch was on the right corner. Both airbags were deployed, just laying there.
I can still picture the lady's car. I can still hear me hitting her, but it's not so loud any more. I can hear the sound of my window breaking as I hit the ditch and tree. I can see the smoke, but not smell it any more. I can remember not being able to hear clearly, it was all mumbled. I can still remember my heart beating out of my chest. I can still feel the cold pavement as I sat there looking at my car in the ditch wondering what in the fuck just happened.
I was lucky.
PS: Mr.HotAsHellFirefighter, thanks for letting me use your phone. Don't worry about the girls hugs t!ts and n!pples as the screensaver. I pretended I didn't see them after I hit END call. I won't tell anyone, your secrets safe with me. No, really.
As soon as I took care of the paperwork, the lady took me to my car to get the remaning belongings out. It was at that moment that I realized I had forgot my camera at the house, fourty minutes away. I had M snap a few shots with the camera phone, though. As I leaned in through the window to remove my steering wheel cover, I started to get sick. The car really is worse than I remember. Neither front door would open, both front ends were smashed, and the right windshield was smashed.
It was weird taking everything out of the car. I put all the trash into the front seat for them thanks to my OCD-ness. The passanger floor had the coke stain from my open drink that morning. The seats were cold and hard since the windows have been down. My windshield was frightening. The burgandy paint was on the left corner. The mud from the ditch was on the right corner. Both airbags were deployed, just laying there.
I can still picture the lady's car. I can still hear me hitting her, but it's not so loud any more. I can hear the sound of my window breaking as I hit the ditch and tree. I can see the smoke, but not smell it any more. I can remember not being able to hear clearly, it was all mumbled. I can still remember my heart beating out of my chest. I can still feel the cold pavement as I sat there looking at my car in the ditch wondering what in the fuck just happened.
I was lucky.
PS: Mr.HotAsHellFirefighter, thanks for letting me use your phone. Don't worry about the girls hugs t!ts and n!pples as the screensaver. I pretended I didn't see them after I hit END call. I won't tell anyone, your secrets safe with me. No, really.
Tuesday, January 1
A New Year, With New Beginnings
Last night I went on a date for New Years Eve. Too soon? Maybe. But it was nice. He's a very, very nice guy. Last night we went to dinner and a movie, followed by lunch today. It's nice to know being off the dating scene for awhile, that I've still got it.
Stolen from Spanglish....
A New Year MeMe
The categories:
Things you learned this year
People you met
Things you don't want to take with you into 2008
Things you want to hold close as you pass into 2008
Things you're looking forward to in 2008
Things that were life changing in 2007
Things you hope to accomplish by the end of 2008
Now you can either give two answers for each category OR you can choose two from that list and give seven answers. No tags... if you like doing me-mes or have writer's block, go for it.
Things you learned this year
* I learned M was never going to change. I made the right decision.
* I also learned I am as beautiful outside, as I have felt inside all these years.
People you met
* I met Kelly early 2007 when she joined our office. I couldn't have imagined what a year we were going to have. I haven't felt this good about myself in forever.
* C, I am so glad I met you. You've opened my eyes. Thank you so much for the dinner, movies, lunch, and jewelry. You really made my year end on a great note, and began it on an even better one.
Things you don't want to take with you into 2008
* I don't want to take the anger I have towards M into 2008. I resent him so much for the pain he has caused me in 2007. I never imagined he would hurt me so bad. I hate the wall he's put up to show he doesn't care. I hate I tried so hard to make it work for so long, for it to just fail so miserably. I really did love him with all my heart.
* I don't want to take my clutter into 2008. I plan to stay focused on things and keep them organized better.
Things you want to hold close as you pass into 2008
* I am going to hold close to my family as I enter the new year.
* I also want to hold close to my friends.
Things you're looking forward to in 2008
* I look forward to being happy again.
* I also look forward to opening my websites.
Things that were life changing in 2007
* Leaving M was the most life changing thing for me in 2007.
* When I left M, it also closed the door of infertility, not forever, but for now.
Things you hope to accomplish by the end of 2008
* I hope to accomplish a successful business selling my jewerly.
* I also hope to accomplish being happy.
I guess the things I look forward to, are also the same things I hope to accoomplish. As I said last year, 2008 is going to be my year. I can feel it. Now let's see what is in store.
Stolen from Spanglish....
A New Year MeMe
The categories:
Things you learned this year
People you met
Things you don't want to take with you into 2008
Things you want to hold close as you pass into 2008
Things you're looking forward to in 2008
Things that were life changing in 2007
Things you hope to accomplish by the end of 2008
Now you can either give two answers for each category OR you can choose two from that list and give seven answers. No tags... if you like doing me-mes or have writer's block, go for it.
Things you learned this year
* I learned M was never going to change. I made the right decision.
* I also learned I am as beautiful outside, as I have felt inside all these years.
People you met
* I met Kelly early 2007 when she joined our office. I couldn't have imagined what a year we were going to have. I haven't felt this good about myself in forever.
* C, I am so glad I met you. You've opened my eyes. Thank you so much for the dinner, movies, lunch, and jewelry. You really made my year end on a great note, and began it on an even better one.
Things you don't want to take with you into 2008
* I don't want to take the anger I have towards M into 2008. I resent him so much for the pain he has caused me in 2007. I never imagined he would hurt me so bad. I hate the wall he's put up to show he doesn't care. I hate I tried so hard to make it work for so long, for it to just fail so miserably. I really did love him with all my heart.
* I don't want to take my clutter into 2008. I plan to stay focused on things and keep them organized better.
Things you want to hold close as you pass into 2008
* I am going to hold close to my family as I enter the new year.
* I also want to hold close to my friends.
Things you're looking forward to in 2008
* I look forward to being happy again.
* I also look forward to opening my websites.
Things that were life changing in 2007
* Leaving M was the most life changing thing for me in 2007.
* When I left M, it also closed the door of infertility, not forever, but for now.
Things you hope to accomplish by the end of 2008
* I hope to accomplish a successful business selling my jewerly.
* I also hope to accomplish being happy.
I guess the things I look forward to, are also the same things I hope to accoomplish. As I said last year, 2008 is going to be my year. I can feel it. Now let's see what is in store.
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