I received a text message today from a co-worker. Keep in mind she's a few years older than me, has two kids, and has been dating this guy for about four months.
"Hey girl! Do u no the best position to get pregnant in? Plz dnt tell ne1 I dnt want ne1 2 no. Thx!"
I know, I know. WHAT THE FUCK?!
So, here was my response...
I've tried... Sex on the bed, sex on my head.
Sex in the shower, sex every hour.
Sex with a friend, sex while I bend.
Sex in the kitchen, sex while I pinch him.
Sex during ovulation, sex while looking at a constellation.
Sex in the chair, sex while he pulls my hair.
Sex with a deer, sex with his ear.
Sex with a dog, sex with a hog.
Sex at the zoo, sex with a shoe.
Sex by myself, sex with an elf.
Oh my gawd, AN ELF?
Don't worry my friend, nothing I've tried has worked. So the best fucking advice I can give you is to FUCK!OFF!
Unfortunately, there was too many characters. Lucky for her, I've decided to ignore her message.
I'm now taking applications for new friends. Apply inside. The pay is shitty, but the benefits are totally fucking awesome.