My mom has been staying with me this past week since my car is being worked on. We had a discussion a night or two ago, about me being infertile. I forgot what brought the discussion up, but it made it's presence none the less. My mom had three children, in her words, 'by just thinking about sex'. She doesn't regret us, but never wanted us either. Harsh words from your mother, but growing up as her daughter, those words don't shock me. I didn't say they don't sting though.
She said she doesn't understand my desire to have children. She doesn't understand any woman's desire to have a child so bad to spend thousands and thousands of dollars. She doesn't understand why it would consume someone's entire life. She doesn't understand why someone would want something so badly.
She looked at me and said "What if you knew today, at twenty-three years old, no matter how hard you tried, how much money you spent, how many tears you shed, or prayers your prayed, that you would never be a mother? Not even through adoption. Don't you think you should plan for that? Don't you think you should plan your future as if you will never be a mom? You're going to be on this earth for God-willing another 75-80 years. You need to plan for that and not worry so much about not being a Mom."
I told her that wasn't an option. I will be a Mom, some day, some how. I truly don't know what I would do with my life if I wasn't a Mom at some point. Sure, I could go to school to become something big and fancy and dedicate my life to whatever that was. But I don't want to. Will I really wake up tomorrow to being a childless 50 year old woman and regret that? I don't know.
It is indeed some food for thought. So, what about you? What if you knew from this day forward, you will never be a mom, ever. What are you doing with your life? Just a little food for thought.
14 comments:
I would be by far, absolutely broken.
That's a good thing to think about... scary too.
Interesting question. I've answered it on my blog.
I'm here from Mel's roundup.
I haven't read your blog, but I feel your pain. By age 21 I was "infertile" and it's hard to be young and virtually alone with no one really understanding why it is you want what you want...
But here's what I say to those comments...What? I can't want to be a mom? I can't want that more than anything else? People spend thousands on beciming a doctor or a lawyer or a vet...and that's called smart. Why can't I spend that much money on something so much more precious than a career?
You will be a mom. It can happen. After three years of unexplained IF, we are no parents to an (adopted) 10 month old baby girl and a (IVF) 3 month baby boy. Nothing sweeter, and definitely worth every penny and every year spent waiting.
Hang in there.
I am actually in the midst of that very question in my own life right now and I am not ready for the answer.
I want nothing more in life right now than to be a mother. I ready don't know what I would do if that never happened.
I'm here from Mel's roundup too. Great post! I'm answering it also on my blog. It's a great topic.
That question absolutely haunted me in the really dark fruitless years we were TTC. It was my nightmare in words. I let it eat me alive. I eventually did a lot of emotional work to figure out what I'd do (um, not accept it was my answer!). Realizing that I didn't have to accept it was the only way to continue living.
Even before we eventually got pregnant, realizing I didn't have to accept it gave me a lot of peace.
A heartbreaking question.
The answer for me is what I told my parents earlier this week: I would rather wander into the desert and die.
This cannot be my fate. I am a mother, though I do not yet have a child.
And so, I will find a way.
Hello, I'm here from the roundup as well. Great post, and I would like to pose a question, as well. I do not mean it to sound glib, but what if you knew that you WOULD be a mom...in two, or five or ten years? And it was going to be hard and painful and expensive. And the child might have different biology than you. But you just had to do the work, pay the bills, take the shots, and you would get your baby. How would that change everything? (Sometimes I try to think that to myself, and it makes me feel calmer for a minute or so...then i go back to freaking out)
I think I'm a bit different than most women, so I wanted to weigh in, just to add another perspective.
Though I'd be sad if my husband and I could never have children, I'd be okay with not being a mom. There are other, really profound gifts to be given, outside the realm of parenting--think of all the non-parent adults in your life that changed you, helped you, nourished you in ways your parents couldn't.
That, and there's a whole world out there to explore and engage with. The majority of the brightest, most creative women in history were not mothers. If all medical assistance fails, I'd rather walk in their footsteps, giving back to the world in whatever ways have been given me. I've decided that no matter happens, this is not going to crush my spirit.
That must be a really diffcult thing to have heard from your Mum. I hope it doesn't hurt your relationship with her.
To answer your question - if I really did know the unknowable, and a glimpse into the future told me I'd never be a mother by any means... eventually I think I'd find some solace in the certainty. One of the things I find hardest about infertility is the endless wondering how things will turn out, and not being able to plan my life accordingly.
Good luck to you.
I was told in college both... that I would definetely be 'fine' and that I couldn't have kids. I was told this by friends, families, and doctors. Doctors strangely tended to more consistently fall into the 'no worries' camp, well until the last few months....
I don't know what I believe, or how I'll react. I know I will always have kids in my life (my job ensures that and so does my circle of friends). I know I want to live the non-mother parts of my life fully, just as I would want to embrace other aspects of me should I ever be lucky enough to be a mom. Its a really tough question, one I am and will be thinking about a lot....
I saw your post via creme de la creme... your mom sounds a lot like my mom. My mother had 4 children starting at the young age of 15, didn't want any of us. She doesn't get it, and I don't think she ever will. But I will be a mother some day, and so will you. Some way, some how.
I'm with you. It's just...not an option. I refuse to think about the possibility, because to me, that's impossible.
"She doesn't understand why it would consume someone's entire life". That's pretty much everyone in my real life, not getting how IVF/IF consumes mine.
great post. xx
I am from bloggy bingo. This post upsets me. For one, one time my mom said to me "If I'd known what it would be like to have kids, I wouldn't have done it. She DIDN'T mean it! She wanted us and always has. At the same time, I sometimes think about that comment and it still stings so I (in a weird way) understand how this makes you feel
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