Down

I am feeling a little down lately. Bills are driving me nuts. I am exhausted from little sleep. M is getting on my nerves (we are doing okay). I feel like there aren't enough hours in the day. All I think about at work is coming home to catch up on things at home. I have about 20 watch orders to finish, excited about the extra income but wish there were more hours in a day to get them all done. Since my cycle came back I have had my acne back with revenge and it's depressing me. I feel fat but don't have the will power to do a damn thing about it. I need to go out again with my friends but I feel guilty not having my niece on the weekends.

I hope my feelings change for the better soon, my favorite time of the year is just a few weeks away.

Can anyone believe tomorrow is November 1st? How did that happen.

So Stressed!

I am so fucking stressed. Sigh. M is getting on my last fucking nerve. He just bitches and has no appreciation for a damned thing I do.

I better get my damn time off I requested for the holiday vacation. I asked off for 11 days. We aren't going any where but I only have to use 5 days of vacation time total since my doctors are already off and the regular holiday time.

I need a break.

I need it now.

I'm Torn

First of all, my ankle is not broke. Yey! It is severely sprained and I am "supose" to stay off it for a week. I got yelled at a lot today because I was up. I can't help it. My patients wouldn't stop coming in "needing" something. Sigh. Oh well.

I am torn between wanting time to work on my online business and taking care of my niece so much. I feel so guilty not getting her on nights M works because I know how shitty her life is with thugboy and my sister. But I also need time to get some things done. My weekends are spent with her as well as 1-3 nights during the week. I get her at 5 Friday and she doesn't go back home until 6 or so Sunday. Not much of a weekend. I also usually get her at least one night, sometimes three, but usually two nights a week when M works. I wish I knew what to do.

Too Long

You know it's only been about two weeks since I started feeling better. So Friday night I had to go and fall and hurt my ankle. I haven't gone to the ER although I can't walk on it. Tomorrow I will get it xrayed to see whats going on with it at work. It's been fun with crutches and a 1 year old. Let me tell you. Sigh.

I can't manage to have to go to the doc cause I'm knocked up, but every other reason I am hitting square on.

Halloween Costume

A few months back while we were in the attic I found a costume my mom made about 18 years ago in a box. If you click on the picture (ignore the mess around it!) the web goes between the "spider legs" and has two loops at each end one for my hands and one for my legs.



I decided I would wear the costume this year. Although me and A have three parties to attend and I was planning on going out Saturday night, I have decided we will only do two parties and I will stay home, yet another weekend!(Damn it!)

Both parties we are going to have costume contest. Since I was planning on dressing up as the spider I wanted to find something for A to dress up as too. Since thugboy and my sister won't let her celebrate halloween we have had to do this on the low, low and I didn't want to spend a lot on a costume she would only wear Saturday since I dont even get her on Halloween. After much thinking I came up with this...












I'm making her a dress in the design of a can of r@id. How funny is that? Ignore the wet spot on the dresss, I spilt glue and had to wipe it up. I still need to sew everything on and make the ribbon ties around the neck but other than that, I'm done.

Pictures of us together dressed up will definatly follow Sunday! :-) I'm so creative! ha ha

Don't Tell Her!

My mom told me yesterday she had something she didn't want to tell me. She told me thugboy got "laid off". I think he probably got fired. She didn't want to tell me because then I wouldn't come get A and she would be stuck in that hell hole more often.

Damn it why did they get to become parents and I can't? It's fucking annoying. I'm still going to get her, I feel guilty if I don't! I feel guilty leaving her with him all day. Sigh.

Why couldn't she have just been born to me?

Infertility Watch - Take 1

I played around this weekend with my beads. I wasn't able to find the pomegrante beads, but these were the closest I came up with. Although I am not really sure if this is *the* watch I wanted to stand for infertility this is what I came up with. I plan on trying one or two more designs this week before settling on this one.




Whaduhyathink?

It's WeekendTime!

The weekend has arrived! I went to my grandma's tonight to visit with her, my mom, and two aunts. A had fun. A is my 16mth old niece by my teenage sister for those who don't know. :-)

Saturday we are supose to go to a friend's son's birthday party at 3 and then I have to babysit my bosses two kids from 6:30-11. Sunday we are going to the circus.

Here is a picture of A from tonight. She's such a spoiled brat! :-) We turned 16mths old this past Tuesday.

I *Need* A Break

I had A all last weekend. M was off on Monday. I had A again Tuesday. Last night I had a dinner to attend after work. Tonight I had to visit my friend I hadn't seen in a few weeks. I also got A tonight. Tomorrow I get A again until Sunday.

For fucks sake I need a break! I just want a few days to myself. Sigh. Next Saturday we have plans to attend three halloween parties and one birthday party. Yeah, break...when? I will probably be recovering from a hang over next Sunday or at least that's what I was hoping to be doing.


Maybe in three weeks?

Nightmare

Friday night while I was sleeping I dreamed I got a postive pregnancy test and I told a few people. As I went to the bathroom I started bleeding and knew I was miscarring. I started to cry. Then I woke up.

My cycle started Saturday night to boot.

What the fuck?

In Due Time

I have started to make/sell these beaded watches. They are made of beaded s@fety pins. Neat, huh? I guess if I have to sit and wait for my time, I could at least watch pretty time.

After reading Melissa's post last week, I am in the process of making an infertility watch. Keep your eyes peeled for that to debut this weekend sometime!


It's officially Friday, by the way!

Who Me?

Still sick? Noooo.. not I!

I started feeling bad again about Friday into Saturday. By Monday I had to purchase my sixth box of Klenexx w/ lotion since I first got sick, the weekend of Labor Day. Yesterday I was just waiting for my eyes to burst out of my head like a cartoon. The wheezing is back thanks to the draining at night. I feel utterly horrible. Although I haven't had a fever (that I know of) since Labor Day weekend, my white count continues to amaze me as it goes through a thrill ride of ups and downs. It had dropped back to normal on Monday, two days later we arrive to today and it's back to being high, as we suspected.

I had an x-ray of my sinus' today, which showed a polyp and infection. My doctor wants to send me to have a ct-scan because she thinks I need surgery. Are you kidding me? I kindly declined. I am going to *try* a decongestant by itself (with no antibiotics) for the next few days and hope by the weekend I am feeling better. I am not paying towards my deductible in October, nor am I taking off work. Not until my count gets high enough to send me to the hosptial, which it hasn't. I am still able to work, even though I look miserable. I "generally" feel okay, though.

On a serious note...

I heart my body.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

My Body Is A Wonderland

I haven't had a cycle since July 27th.

My breast started to hurt at the touch the other day. I guess she shall be around soon. I feel like I have gained some weight, but I am honestly affraid to check because I know I won't change the way I eat. I was supose to get my levels rechecked last month, but I've been putting that off to, scared of the results.

I don't have it in me to change my eating habits or diet. I don't think I eat particularly unhealthy, but I guess it could be better. I think if I added regular exercise to my weekly schedule, it would help. However, until I get to feeling better, the docs want me resting, not playing tennis or working out. I did buy a tennis racket and play about a week ago, but it did make it hard to breathe after a few minutes. I did enjoy playing tennis, though. I have never played tennis from what I can remember. It was so much fun and my BFF Mel has agreed we should do it 3-5 days a week once I get to feeling better.

Prior to us moving, I rarely cooked because thugboy was over so much. Now that we have a place of our own (and a working oven!) I have been trying to cook a lot more. Instead of running through the drive-thru every morning and evening, I've been cooking.

For breakfast I would run through and get a chicken biscuit or sausage burrito or even a crossonwich, and a large sweet tea. The tea lasted me until lunch time at work, usually. Now I am cooking my own breakfast burrito with 2 pieces of bacon, 1 egg, and a tortillia. If I'm not in the mood for eggs, I will make 2 pieces of bacon and toast. Or even a bowl of cereal.

As for lunch, we get it catered. It's way to hard to say no to free food. What can I say? I've tried bringing my lunch, but it only last maybe a week. Plus, did I mention the food is free? Okay. End of point.

For dinners I would run and grab me something cheap (not heatlhy, cheap) because I didn't like cooking at the house with thugboy around, plus M changed his eating habits to lose all that weight, so it was just meal for one. How can I justify spending $10-15 on ingrediants for just me, when I can run some where and pick up something for $2-5? Now I try to cook at least five nights a week. Although I am not one for canned, boxed, or frozen crap, I also don't eat whole-grain organtic crap either. I cook what we are in the mood for-- soft tacos, baked chicken, steaks, soups, chilli, and such. I do make sure we have at least one or two veggies and only one maybe two starches. So it's not fast food calories but it's also not top notch healthy, either.

I don't eat salads or drink plain water. I know that's bad, but I can't help it.

I guess the only other solution is to exercise more often, hopefully I will be rid of this cold soon enough so my lungs can handle a bit of extra movement.

So Tired

Man, I am just so tired when I come home from work. Tonight my friend Mel came over to watch a movie and help me with the halloween decorations. We put up some, but now it's nearly midnight and I am not even headed to bed yet. My house is a mess from bringing those boxes out and from cooking dinner. I must pick the madness up then it's off to bed, I promise.