Dinner With A Side of Tears

Tonight M and I went to dinner. During dinner we talked about things. We went to Walmart afterwards to pick up a few things for his move. I was sad. Very, very sad. He could tell and kept asking me if I was okay. At one point he grabbed my hand and gently squeezed it and said everything would be okay. Once we got home we ended up talking some more. By the end of the conversation, I was in his arms crying telling him how much I was so upset with him making me have to do this. He cried a lot too tonight, which was nice to see he does have emotions. After he left for work I tried to pack up some of his things. I got sad though and stopped.

I'm fine if I stay busy but when I stop and think I get sad.

I hate so much I had to do this but I know it's the right thing to do. However, it doesn't make it easy.

Make Up Your Mind

M keeps flip flopping between his emotions. He's either completely satisfied with the split or he is upset with me and crying. I feel slightly bad, but not much.


I can't wait until the weekend, I can stay busier with my girlfriends and keep my mind off of him!

Better Than Expected

I am finding it odd that I am doing better than expected at my decision. Although it was not an easy one, it has honestly lifted a heavy cloud from my heart. I still love M dearly, obviously. However, I know he has some major growing up to do. Reality will bite him in the ass soon. I just wish he didn't have to learn the hard way. He's lost the best thing that has ever happened to him (besides his family). He is slowly waking up. Too bad it's too late.

It's Offical

I broke up with M yesterday. It's done. I am 101% okay with my decision. He has been such an asshole for so long and I am just tired of dealing with it. He is moving out in two weeks. It's actually been a pretty bad split because of some decisions he has made.

I went OUT last night. I came home so drunk at 6 am. However, I was good. I didn't do anything bad. I just had fun with two of my girlfriends. Infact, we are going out again tonight.

It's offical, I am single.

L.L.Bean

I interrupt my away time to let you all know something that happened over the weekend. A few months ago a friend's sister found out she was pregnant. She is young and didn't want them (yes, twins) so she thought she was going to put them up for adoption. We informed her we were interested if the option came up. She changed her mind and decided to parent them. They were born 6 weeks premature. Over the course of the past 8 weeks since they have arrived both boys have been released from the hospital only to be placed back because of abuse/neglect. One had unexplainible brusies the other had heat stroke. Friday my friend came to me saying her sister decided she didn't want the boys and wanted to know if we were interested. Despite the goings-on between M and I, we sat down and deiceded to find out more information. Friday morning DHS took the children away from her and the father (they had to sign over their rights or face charges). We tried to contact someone from the county with no resolve. We were basically told to forget about them and the next awaiting family would get them. I was sad. Yesterday L.L.Bean as I will refer to them, turned 2 months old. I am so mad at her sister for doing this to them and for waiting til the last second to come to us.

Even more heartbreaking, the father left the mother Friday evening after they were taken away because he was happy he didn't have to deal with any of them any more. Although I am sure she's an unfit parent, I would like to think with the proper classes and help she could have done this without him. Now she has lost her boys and the asshole up and left.

Alright, back to my break, see you all Friday after M and I talk. I don't think it's going to be good news, just so ya know.

See You Later!

I leave tomorrow after work to watch the kids/house sit until the 24th. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers, I know this time away will be well needed.

Tonight M and I went shopping at the local mall and then we went to dinner. We spent a little bit of time talking about things. We even *gasp* had sex. I know, I know. Our next date night will be Friday the 24th. On the 24th we will decided 100% what is going to happen to us. I wrote him a nice long note about some things for him to read and digest while I am gone. We shall see, in due time, right?

I leave you with this fabulous picture of A and I. I look great, but damn she's adorable! (Did I tell ya'll that due to the stress I have lost almost 6lbs?)

From the bottom of my heart, thank you all for your support during this rough time. Oddly enough, my mind hasn't even wondered to the thought that with this relationship the whole TTC thing gets thrown out with it. It's heart breaking, all around.

One More Day

Just one more day until I leave.

Bittersweet.

Tell Me It Gets Easier?

With only three more days until I leave, I am wreck.

Tell me I am doing the right thing.
Tell me I deserve better.
Tell me it gets easier.

Please?

I Think This Is It

I can honestly say I think I am done with M. He has proven time and time again he's nothing but an utter and complete dickwad. I feel like I have wasted years and years of my life for no apparent fucking reason. I am so sorry his mom left when he was a baby, however I do not feel like I should get the brunt of this fucking ordeal just because I am a woman, too! I am so fustrated he does not show affection towards me. I am so pissed off at him. It's over. I guess I will wait until I get back from house sitting to get him to realize this, but I fucking can't handle this shit any more.

I am done. This is it. You made me do it.

M, fuck you. Thank you for allowing me to realize I deserve so much better, you should have done this years ago. It could have saved me time, money, and heartache.

Had A Bad Day...

I surely didn't think I would have a good Friday to end this lovely week did I?

It was horrible. Blah.

I am so glad it's the weekend. I really wish my legs felt better though, I am sick of strapping ice packs to them!!

I tried to break up with M tonight. He wouldn't let me. Sigh. Maybe he will change, who knows. I am just so beyond over him at some points it drives me crazy.

Only a few more days until I leave. Yey!!

21 More Days

Yeah, 21 more days. This is getting very hard. M and I fought tonight, just so I could get some attention, ain't that some shit? Whatever. He's making it easier and easier for me to stick with my desicion though. If I wasn't house sitting next week, I would have told him tonight. I just can't deal with things like this knowing I am about to leave in a few days for a few week, ya know?

So, Monday I was roller blading and had cuts on my legs from the inside boot rubbing up againist me while I was exercising. My legs three days later are completely swollen and infected. I am now on antibiotics. Seriously, AGAIN!!!! It's been fucking three weeks???? Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

*Graphic picture below* Yes, it hurts like a mother fucker and only ice packs help. Now try working with ice packs on your legs--not easy. The picture doesn't really show it, but they are actually quite deep for a friction burn.

Fighting It

I knew this wouldn't be easy. I will not cry tonight, though. He is just proving that my decision is the right one, every single moment I'm around him.

Wow, just Wow.

Six more days until I have to leave to house sit.

I've Decided

Last night was pretty rough, almost as bad as the other night. I did finally fall asleep around three this morning. But after talking with a few friends last night when I was upset I think I have made my decision. It's not an easy one. I am going to wear this decision for the next few weeks until we have our date. I think I know deep in my heart this is what is best for me. I have worked long and hard at this relationship since day one. There is no doubt in his mind how much I love him. So I will go with this decision with no regrets, no matter how hard it is going to be. I will let you all know what I have decided after we have our big talk.

Keep us in your prayers if you can.

Thank you all so much for being here for me right now, I haven't felt this bad/sad in a very, very long time, and it's killing me.

Why Is This So Hard?

My gawsh I wish this wasn't so hard. I feel like it's all I talk about, and it is, but man it sucks. I have to find the strength, some where. I leave to house/babysit in 8 days I think. I can do it. I know I can.

She Got Hurt For The First Time

My poor neice A got seriously hurt for the first time today. My mom is having back troubles and can't pick up A very well. My mom put A on the counter while she was getting their lunch together. A is in the habit of hitting things lately, so when my Mom put her on the counter she hit the burner. My Mom swatted her hand instinctively. My Mom was cooking on the other burner but had accidently turned it on when she first started cooking. It had been off for awhile but was still hot. A burned her hand and has two ring "line" blisters. She cried hysterically for over an hour. I have burn cream here at the house so I was able to take care of it without having to take her to the ER or minor med. She was feeling better once she woke up from her nap. We are keeping it bandaged and she's getting fixed up with hits of tylenol/advil every few hourss. My poor Mom feels like utter shit. I kept telling her accidents happen. I feel bad for my baby, so I went and bought her two outfits during her nap. She kissed them when I got back home and showed her. That's my girl!

The Nights Are The Hardest

Why is it that the nights are the hardest? I know it's because I am alone. There is nothing I can do to escape my actively thinking mind. I can't sleep because I am thinking about things. I can handle my emotions a lot more during the day than in the night.

Only another week until I will be gone for a few weeks, then it shouldn't be as hard as I will be a whole lot busier.

Two Steps Back, One Step Forward

*To clarify on the seperation* We will still stay in the same house. After next week I will be house sitting for three weeks so it won't be that hard then. But until then we just see each other when we cross paths, he works nights, I work days. We are never off the same day, either. So it shouldn't be too hard.

Last night he came home around 10 after going out (no big deal) but I was having it bad last night and cried from 10 until 3 when I finally passed out on the bed, beside him as he stayed up all night because he was off and has to work tonight.

Today was really, really rough. I nearly broke down several times at work and at 2:30 I called my boss and told him I need a few minutes away from my desk (I work front desk, hello!) and when I got back he told me to just go home because he could tell I was really upset. So I grabbed my keys, cell, and came home.

I laid down beside M since he was still sleeping and cried. He rolled me over and asked what was wrong. We talked about things and I got a clearer understanding about some things that were making me upset.

So, we did what any seperated couple does, we had sex.

We are not back together and we will continue to stay this way until next month. I feel better about things since we talked about, I just hope I can keep my emotions in check a bit more.

Tonight I am going out with my friend and her b/f and his friend. We are hoping to go midnight bowling or something fun. I am excited. I really just want to get wasted. Ha!

Struggling

I am struggling tonight, really bad.

Sigh.

Life Sure Is Funny...

Today my doctor finally called me back. I told her my concerns with having the HSG done right now and paying for the deductible when it's so close to the end of the year. She agreed and the deal is come this fall (or winter, my decision) we will go in to begin Cl0mid. After three months we aren't pregnant with Cl0mid then it's on to doing the HSG and we will go from there. She told me to call for an appointment when we are ready.

Now, on to what you really wanted to hear today.

I left work early today because I was too upset about this conversation with M. Long story short, some things came up late last night while he was at work and I was too distracted to stay at work so I left at 2 to come home. M asked why I was home so early but I told him I just was, so we decided since it was too early to go eat dinner (neither was hungery either) we would just stay home and talk. We talked for a little over an hour then laid down and napped in each others arms for 2 hours. After we woke up we went to eat at the mexican resturant I love. We continued to talk through dinner. On the way home we stopped by the outdoor mall because I didn't feel like we had come to an agreement about some things so I wasn't ready to go back home yet.

We finally came to an agreement on the drive home. We are taking a month to seperate and think about things. Mainly me, not him. On Labor day weekend we will go away for a few days and discuss if we are going to get back together then or if we are going to continue to stay apart for another month. Hopefully by the two month mark, I will have made up my mind and things will continue to get better. If not, we will just see what we want to do from there.

I think this will do me some good and hopefully my heart and mind can decide what they want. I love M with all my heart, I know we are meant to be together, but I am at a rough spot right now. So I am going to live a little and see what's in store.