Do You Have Your Speech Ready?

First of all, I want to thank everyone for their comments on yesterdays post. I was so upset when it happened. I knew you all would understand. Mucho Hugs all around!

Why no, I do not! I still haven't typed up what I want to yet. I feel too drained to sit and decide but I know it needs to be done. Our talk will be tomorrow night, how scarey.

Keep us in your thoughts tomorrow, I will update as soon as I can.

How Do You Get Pregnant?

My friend K and I had a falling out last week. She made a very stupid remark about me not knowing about kids because I don't have any, to which I responded that just because you can procreate doesn't mean you can parent. I have years of experiance as a nanny, I don't care if my body isn't working right now, I know my shit when it comes to kids. I was so upset I was shaking when she said those things. I know she is young and dumb and I don't expect a 23 yr old mom to a 4 year old to get infertility, but giving me a fucking break, use a fucking brain cell some time.

We have been home from vacation for 8 days I think and she has spent maybe 2 nights with her son. Her mom raises her son while she spends the night at random guys houses. She's 23yrs old and has slept with over 50 guys, can we say gross? Thank you.

But now my friends, get this, she has decided now she wants another baby so now she is going to try to get pregnant by a guy she's known a few months. She wants to know about ovulation, says shes searched online but is lost and wants to know what she should do.

First of all, on a sarcastic note, I am not, nor have I ever been pregnant, so whatever I have done, apparently doesn't work, so please don't ask me.

Now, back to reality. YOU don't need a kid, I will not give you advice on getting pregnant, and can we PLEASE fucking go back to our normal conversations? Ya know, the ones where I wasn't bubbling inside to yell SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE!? Remember those? Fuh-HUHck! Of course you don't.

We Really Need To Talk

M and I are going on a date one night this week which will be followed by a very long important conversation about our future. He hates to talk, but I hate feeling like this more. I can't live feeling like this any longer. I really, really can't. Wish me luck, I'll let you all know how he takes it. :-)

And I Really Wonder Why I Can't Get Pregnant...

Last cycle was 66 dyas, this past cycle was 52..oh yeah.. love the pattern...What ever happened to the days of 36-38 days? good grief..

Oh well..at least our trip to the water park again next weekend won't be canceled, she should be gone by then! :-)

My doctor's office called yesterday, very upset. They have been trying to call since the 12th. Hmmm I gave them the patients number instead of the back line, whoops. They don't even want me to continue with the Pr0vera any more, instead just come back in. I need to get M's SA done first before we make the appointment though.

No, seriously, I heart my body.

I'm Still Here, Somewhere

For the past few days I have been trying to catch up on laundry and rest. I have two very deep burns on my shoulders that are killing me. I cry taking a shower because of the pain. I also used sunscreen so I didn't expect to be burnned this bad.

I was going to try to post the vacatin post tonight but then M and I got into a fight and I just can't think about those days right now. I am so upset tonight I can't even type very well because my eyes are swollen from crying. I fucking hate feeling like this. God please let him wake up and realize how good he has it, please? or at least let me wake up.

Back Home

As you can see from my picture above, I had a blast. I am so very sad it's over. I will do a more detailed post tomorrow about our trip and some things I have decieded to do with my life.

Farewell!

I knew I wouldn't have time to take pictures for the world tour, maybe next time, but this is a pic of the Mississippi bridge going from Arkansas into Tennessee from out last trip a few weeks ago.

I leave tomorrow after work to spend the night at my BFF's house and we will leave Wed morning for 5 days of bliss. I wish it was longer already, but I can't wait to soak up those five days. My goal is to try to make a video when I get back of all the pics, but we shall see.

I hope you all have a wonderful week and be safe!

Boooooooooring

Sorry it's so boring around here lately. I really don't have a whole hell of a lot to talk about right now. Just family crap going on, me starting up a new addition to my at home business, and waiting until my vacation starts. Nothing exciting for sure!

No Vacation

I am so sad I am not going on vacation this weekend. This sucks! I can't do anything this weekend. I think I will go shopping all weekend since I am band from doing anything until Monday. Damn It.

4 More Days until Vacation, Part 2

2.5 Months...

This morning I woke up not feeling very well. For a brief moment I thought about calling in, but decided to suck it up and go. I lasted until about mid-morning when I could barely walk or sit. We dipped my urine thinking it was a UTI but the results came back normal. I was so shocked. We then did a pregnancy test, which was also negative, no suprise double line here. So then we went for a CBC and it came back with my white count elevated. I was explaining my pain to the physician and she asked where it was coming from. I pointed to my left lower back and she asked if I had a burn from the tanning salon there. I told her I didn't think so and she raised my shirt to find my lower back covered in a rash. I apparently have received a infection, probably from the tanning bed. Fuck. I was sent home right then and I can't come back until Monday. Sigh. I was told I could not leave for vacation Saturday, either.

So, no one thought I could go a whole three months without having to see the doctor did you?

Like I said earlier this week.... I heart my body!

When Family Members Won't Grow Up...

I haven't stated much online about this, but my mom came to me a few days ago and said she may have the house forclosed if she doesn't get the money in by Saturday. For the third year in a row, she has come to me for help. This time I can't do it. I won't. I am sorry Mom, but you have got to grow the hell up. Stop gambling and get some help. Sigh, my family drama never ends. Truly.

Conceited?

Someone told me today I was conceited. I kind of laughed. I feel like I am starting to learn to love myself. I have been getting pedicures every two weeks, tanning every day (or other day), wearing my contacts, wearing cuter clothes, doing my make up very well, and making sure my hair is done right.

I think what helps is that other people are noticing it, so I want to make myself look even better. But M, hasn't said much. He usually doesn't say anything unless I start the conversation about it, like "Hey M, look at my legs, you can see em!", he then nods and says "Yeah, they look better." I wish he would tell me I looked good (not better) without me prompting.

On the contact front, my eyes are so much better today, still very red, but not nearly as bad as yesterday, Thank God. I am thinking about stopping by the eye doctor tomorrow to drop a little cake or something by to her. She was so helpful yesterday despite her front desk girl being such a fucking bitch. We shall see.

T-3 days until vacation trip #1 of 2.

Apparently Not Many People Know It....

You see, that bitchy post from yesterday, well, noone told me the blurry vision and pain part because it's not a NORMAL thing... Apparently I am allergic to silicone, and that includes silicone contacts.

There goes my boob job I planned to have in a few years to fix my open heart surgery scar...

FUCK.


If anything *can* go wrong with my body, it will.

I (Heart) My Body!

Okay, no title, AGAIN ...what the fuck?

The Shit Noone Tells You #264


Okay, why didn't anyone tell me that these contacts would give me red lines all around my eyes up to the contact? Why didn't anyone tell me my eyes would be so fucking blury all the time? Why didn't anyone tell me that when I drive in the dark the lights would look like those glasses you wear when you go to look at Christmas lights and the bulbs magnify? Why is it that everyone tells me for years, YEARS, to go get contacts, but as soon as I get them, they say they liked me better with glasses because without glasses I look young(er). WTF?

Can't people just lie to me and tell me I look good without my glasses, and I will settle with the new shittier version of my eye sight very soon?

It won't let me post a title...hmmm


A New Me is my title..

I was born with coloboma, key-hole shaped pupils. It doesn't affect my vision in a bad way, it just means I can see more vertically than a normal eye can. My bad vision problems come from something else. I was told when I was little I wouldn't be able to wear contacts without spending $3,000, needless to say, I never looked into it further--until recently.

I went in today for a contact fitting and it went splendidly. I am now wearing contacts and I feel absolutely wonderful. I checked around and found a year supply for less than $170. AWESOME!

So, with doing my hair differently (and no hair cut!), my new contacts, and tanning, I am starting to finally feel a little bit better about my self, for now. We leave for vacation in just over a week and I can barely stand it. I am going to look SO good!

A quick question about tanning, is it bad to do while trying? I am going every other day right now until we leave for vacation. I am pretty burned but I need some color before we leave, so please lay off the complaints about leather skin when I am fifty, hehe.

Oh Brother

How I love the.

Yep, this IS my favorite time of year!!

BIG BROTHER is BAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!

Happy Birthday America!

This is one of my favorite days of the year. I love fireworks.

God Bless America.

Happy Anniversary, Honey

Friday night after I got offline I typed up a three page letter to M. It explained my emotions and some things that I felt needed to be discussed. At the bottom of the letter it instructed him to go into the bathroom to retrieve a bag from the vanity. Inside the bag was his cell phone half way programmed with some of his friends/families numbers and such. I even programmed me as his number one contact and for my icon I snapped a picture of my ass. So now ever time I call my ass will show. Heh.

After he read the letter and played with his phone for a minute he came to bed upset. He woke me up and told me he was sorry and that I was right, I deserved to be treated better. I think it may have sunk it a bit, I hope.

After work we went to dinner to a local mexican resturant for some delicious food and a nice frozen beverage. We had a good dinner and came home and he gave me my gift, a digital photo frame. Awesome! Afterwards we laid down to watch The Holiday and I fell asleep. So much for getting laid. Heh.

Overall, it was a very nice day/night.

M, I love you with all my heart, I hope the next years are *way* better. We've got a lot to look forward to.

1 095.7266 days

...or three years ago today we began cycle day one of our (in)fertility journey.

I have avoided this post all day long because I wasn't sure I could find the words to explain the past three years and even as I type them, I am not sure they will adequately explain what I have been through but I am going to at least give a glimpse.

The first year was full of hope. Every day I would wake up and gleefully take my temp and post it on my chart. We would plan to 'baby dance' on certain days then I would strap myself upside down from the ceiling fan for 30 minutes to an hour afterwards depending upon how hopeful I was. Towards the end of the first year hope had faded and depression had set in.

The second year I was in a dark place. Just dealing with my own infertility was hard enough muchless having my teenage sister get pregnant on top of that. I can remember some really, really dark days. Crying on the bathroom floor and screaming to the top of my lungs. Wondering why M never 'got it'. Why he wasn't sitting next to me throwing a fit to the world. Why am I the only one that feels like this?

This past year started out rough with the arrival of my niece and her stupid ass parents not taking care of her, but it hasn't ended in as dark of a place. I am not as happy as I want to be, but I can't remember the last time I cried so hard I felt like I was dead. And that's a good thing.

Although we have been trying for three years, we are still very early in the research/medical side of infertility. I haven't been through countless treatments or miscarriages and such, but it hasn't been an easy road either. How do you measure unseen pain?

I am not quite sure what the next year holds, I hope we have started medications by the end of the year, but beyond that I can't really tune it in. Of course I pray we get that elusive second pink line sooner rather than later but I am not sure what we will actually do without infertility coverage.

I do know one thing is for sure, I will continue to wait for my time, for yet another year, because that's all I can do. Wait. For. My. Time.