Giving Up?

Have you ever fought so hard for something you've decided to give up? When do you say keep fighting and when do you say it's time?

I'm affraid I will have wasted my time if I give up, but even more affraid I will waste more time on something so hopeless if I don't stop now.

What do you do when your heart and brain like to fuck with each other?

Maybe God isn't giving us kids, together, because we weren't meant to be together?

Happy Birthday M, I hope you're happy with the way you acted tonight.

Six Sets

Dear M,

It only took a few years, but you have finally learned how to do the laundry. I knew you could do it. I know you grew up with just your father, but there is a right and wrong way to do laundry, and the men's approach for everything into one load is not the right way.


There are six seperate loads: your work shirts, your work pants, whites, colors, towels, and bed sheets. You see there are more buttons on the washing machine other than off and on. There is a load size button that you can change to fit each load size need so that it's not a waste to get the whole laundry load done in less than 3 hours.

Can you please seperate the laundry instead of trying to push the washer to the limits, it wears the close out faster. No, you will not 'just buy' new clothes when they wear out, you haven't 'just bought' anything for anyone other than yourself the entire time we have been together. No, you will continue to do laundry, you wear clothes too, ya know. Also, 'your way or no way' is just a fucking cop-out so you can just eat shit on that remark.



Thank you for listening,
You're Bitchy Other Half


P.S. Please make sure you just learn this simple message. Be thankful I won't even enlighten you on the fact there are even more buttons such as cycle length and water temp, etc, but I really just want you to learn the simple stuff.

Happy Memorial Day!

I would like to take a break from the hamburgers, hot dogs, and swimming to remember what this day is really for. Thank you to our military for fighting the best they can for such a stupid ass reason. We can only hope and pray you all come home safe soon.

I would like to send my prayers to the family of him and all the other men and women we have lost during this war, and every war previous.

We are proud of each and every one of you. May you all rest in peace and may God continue to be with your families during the rough times.

Also, A has finally come back from Iraq!!!!! WELCOME HOME SWEETIE! Glad you are home safe and sound! Can't wait to see you in a few weeks!!! Muah!

I hope everyone is enjoying their family this weekend. We, meaning A and I, went shopping for six hours. Then we came home to swim and make smoothies. Yum! It's back to work tomorrow, gotta love a four day week! Especially when you should only have to do half the work during those four days!!

I'm A Mom Already...

I don't care what anyone says about me not giving birth to a baby, I am a Mom already.

Last night I was in a dead sleep and woke up to a loud scream/cry and ran to the door where my mom and niece were sleeping screaming "WHAT'S WRONG? IS SHE OKAY???!!" as I entered the room. Upon opening the door all the way I found they were both sleeping, but it startled the shit out of my Mom. I then realized the screaming cry was from the baby on the TV. I told my Mom I was sorry and went back to bed. I think I left her confused. My heart pounded out of my chest for a good three or so minutes before I could finally lay back down and go to sleep.

God, I love that girl.

Loooooong Weekend

I am so thankful for long weekends! I have a bunch of stuff planned to do for the next fourty-eight hours. Today the only thing I had planned was Grandma's 70th Birthday Party! I will have pictures later, camera was left at Grandma's. Damn it!

This weekend I desperately need to clean this house. I also need to wrap up getting her birthday announcement together. I also still need to get my coupons together. Sigh. It doesn't sound like much until you start remembering you only have 48 hours left.

RE: Horrible Infertile Friend

No, she's not a "good" friend. She should know and understand these feelings but it's like she forgot these days, moments, and emotions. It's all about the babies, as it should be, but it would be nice for her to remember "Oh yeah, L is still infertile even if I am pregnant, I should watch what I say/ask around her.", but she doesn't. So that is the other part of me that doesn't care.

Horrible Infertile Friend

I am feeling a bit guilty lately about my feelings and reactions towards InfertileNowPregnantWithTwins. She is six months pregnant and due in a few week. I can't stand looking at her. I turn and walk away from her at the mention of "the twins" whenever it comes up in conversations with other people around. I just barely mutter an "okay" or "uh huh" if we are alone. I try to avoid both moments at all cost. She even showed me pictures of her latest ultrasound last week and I just glanced for a milisecond and didn't say anything.

Just a few weeks after finding out she was pregnant, I bought her a twin stroller. I promptly put it in the attic where it has stayed for nearly five months. So, obviously I "care" about her enough to buy such a large purchase, after all it's a bit more exspensive than two outfits or not even buying her any thing at all, but still. I am feeling so guilty about not being a good friend.

Sometimes I think I should tell her or write her a letter explaining my feelings telling her I am sorry for being such a horrid person. Something inside of me is keeping me from doing this though, self protection or something. If I continue to be a bad friend, I save myself from dealing with the emotions of being in this alone. [Yes, I know I'm not, but as you know, we often feel that way.] If I don't, I risk dealing with this face to face. Can't there be a simple balance?

Insurance Comapanies Suck Donkey Balls

It looks like I am not alone today. Evil Mart sent me a message, after never calling me for over 30 days, never returning my call, telling me they are sorry to say they are not at fault for my fall and will not pay any medical bills.

The funny thing is, UHC keeps calling me telling me it's not their responsibility, it's someone elses, aka EvilMart.

So now, I have nearly $700 in medical bills unpaid.

I fucking hate Evil Mart and their insurance company.

Fertility Friend My Ass

(*Baby picture will come later this week. Too annoyed to learn new scanner, damn it.)

FertilityFriendNOTcom fucking sucks. I have been using them since 04 to keep track of my cycle days. The stupid thing should know by now my body is messed up but for the past few months it won't keep track of the length of my cycles. Every fucking time I update it the thing it starts a new cycle. I HAVEN'T STARTED A NEW CYCLE YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT, MY BODY IS FUUUUUCKED UP!!! Shouldn't it know this shit after three years? If it hasn't learned anything, the least it could learn is the cycle lengths because it obviously ain't getting me knocked up. IlovemybodyIlovemybodyIlovemybody. I just wish it loved me, too.

Stupidmotherfuckingpieceofwastedinternetdomainspaceofshit.

Oh.. one more thing. The house I adore now? Ha. My "realtor" is beating around the bush again. I am so sick of this shit. I'm finding another realtor, well, I already have another one, but he's on vacation this week, but as soon as he gets back, I will never return to these dumbasses again. Plus, the other realtor, is quite attractive. Actually, there is no quite about it. I could eat him with a spoon and swirl him around with my tounge until he melted in my mouth. YumfuckingHe, I meean, Yummy. HaHa!

Flash Back!

It was a long day. We went and looked at two more houses. I really liked one of them. Bad thing is, the drive is 40 mins. Hmmm. Gas prices and a 40 min drive??? Eek! We will sit on it and think about it.

I have an idea. Tomorrow, for a blog post, let me see everyone's baby pictures. I will post a baby picture tomorrow after I get home from work. You can post anything under the age of 2, unless you don't have any that young. I'd love to see what cute babies we made!

Home Sweet Home

It's that time of week again! I am soooo glad to be back home tonight. I miss my home when I am house sitting. The boys were wonderful, as usual. The only fight with me on school night bedtimes, but at 14 and 17, who wouldn't? We went to a baseball game Saturday night, which was really fun, despite getting lost on the way there and back.

It's Sunday, time for another crazy week.

And I'm Off...

Tomorrow is the funeral, Friday is the graduation, Saturday is the baseball game, and I begin house sitting tomorrow through Sunday. I will not be able to post until then, so I hope all is well with everyone.

I wanted to leave you with a note though, My realtor called Monday to give me some information. She said that *THE* house I wanted had sold. They put it back on the market for 10 grand more than what was the asking price that we gave them and it sold FHA, which we were told by their realtor it wouldn't go because of the foundation problems. I am so pissed. It's not even fair. I haven't, nor will I, tell M. He would be livid. I just don't understand how in the hell they did that. :-( Assholes.

There's Not Enough Room For One Post

There is just not enough room for one post about relationship issues. I have sat down, at least five or six times, to get my feelings out and I just can't. There is just not enough room on one post to get this accross. Maybe I should break it down. I really would love to have insight from other women on their issues as well.

Like infertility, noone ever "talks" about this shitty times. No wonder the divorce rate is at half. There have been many, many moments I have honestly wanted to call it quits. Even now, I stop and think that maybe God isn't giving us children because we aren't meant to be together. It's a possibility. Or I could just be over-reacting.

Tonight I will talk about sex. Sex. Oh, sweet sex. Infertility can do a number on ones sex life, however I am way beyond blaming infertility for this. The first twelve months of trying, yeah maybe there were times he didn't want to have sex because of wondering how upset I was going to get when my period arrived. Maybe the whole every-day-for-fifteen-days thing burned him out, that one time. Maybe that whole every-other-day-for-twenty-five-days put him on edge. But the second twelve months? No, you can't blame it on that any more. I knew in my heart it wasn't "just" going to happen, so I laid off. (no pun intended, or is it?) And the third set of twelve months? What's sex? You have to have that to get pregnant? Maybe my lab results are wrong, maybe we could get pregnant, if we had sex.. I can only imagine what the next twelve months have in store for us. Ha!

I have tried everything, toys, thongs, nothing, and everything. His whole thing is I should have met him a while back when he was a manwhore. But the next sentance he will say that he would have never dated me back then, because I was too good for that. Funny little compliment? He would love it if I wore a thong every night, or slept naked. He says that I would get laid more often. Yeah, well, if I got a little bit of attention, I might want to floss my ass or sleep naked more often. Why am I the only one that has to work at this shit?

Before he worked nights, we had sex any where from 1-2 per 5-7 days, depending upon how busy we were. Now that he works nights? We have had sex once in three weeks and I was bored. I hid my face in the pillow so I wouldn't laugh cause I just wanted to get up and get back to what I was doing. The only reason I did have sex with him was because I felt bad it had been awhile, all his fault though!

Although I have thought about it, even came close once, I would never actually cheat on him, but for once, I wonder what sex would be like with another guy. I wonder if it would be better, or if it's even possible it could be worse? I know he mental notes me with his ex's, I have nothing to note him to except my fantasy world.

When we do have sex, it's 99% of the time great, no complaints, but good greif I'd like to at least have sex more than once per century! We are both in our early-mid 20's.. it should have to be like this. But I also don't feel like I should do all the work!

So, whatcha think? Am I alone?

More relationship post to come, my week will begin to get busier after today, so it may be next week before another boring post.

(Side note, I meant to post an * post yesterday reguarding me saying it was "funny", I didn't mean a ha-ha kind of funny, I was meaning an odd-how-life-works kind of funny. Sorry if I offended anyone, but I am sure most people understood what I meant.)

Death Brings Us Together

I work front desk at a doctor's office and every day I call back and forth to the business office. They are located about an hour away so we haven't been able to see them face-to-face. We have been planning for a few weeks to get everyone together to do something so we can "meet". As life would have it, something always comes up and we push it back. However this week we will finally meet face-to-face with the women. It's not the way we wanted it, however.

My assboss pulled me aside this morning to tell me one of the ladies son's was killed over the weekend. He was only 21. My heart is breaking for her. I am going to go to her son's "viewing" later this week to support her.

My heart hurts that we have to meet face-to-face on these terms. I can't imagine, nor do I want to, the pain she is going through.

I may have had a shitty Mother's Day this year without having a child, but losing your child on Mother's Day has got to be the absolute worst, ever.

It's funny* how we live life day to day and plan to do things but life buzzes by us, yet death always seems to bring us together.

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Happy Mother's Day!

This weekend I had A. She spent the night Friday and Saturday. She has had a blast. We put up a pool yesterday (it took 9 hours) and today we went swimming for a little bit. She loved it. Pictures to come. (Oh yeah, I put the fence up, MYSELF! Thankyouverymuch.)

My Mom and I took the little one to Grandma's house for a cook out and cake. Grandma is doing a bit better and enjoyed laying on the couch with her first granddaughter and first great granddaughter. I wish she lived closer, the drive is a bitch.

I have another busy week ahead of me, I have to baby/house sit again this week. Sigh. Money is great, but I hate watching teenagers. It's so boring. I also have a cousin graduating this week from high school. Saturday M and I are going to a baseball game (boring).

I do want to say Happy Mother's day to all the mothers out there. Even bigger congrats to those 1st Mother's Day Mom's. To those of us still waiting, I hope your day wasn't to bad.

Here's to another week ya'll!

Too Much

What are you supose to post about when you are too busy to post?

Heh, tomorrow I will post.

No, Thank YOU!

(Relationship post in the works, A has been over a lot when I get off work so I've been busy with her, sorry!)

On the way home from work and picking up A I noticed a guy off to the side of the road fixing the grass/trash near our house. It was hot, he was all alone, probably mid-aged. I called M and had him meet me at the driveway with a bottle of cold water because I was going to go take it to him. He said I was crazy but off I went with my cold water. I pulled over and told him I just wanted to tell him 'thanks' for caring about the neighborhood and I gave him the water. He said I was too sweet and to go get my gloves and come back and help. I laughed and told him I would have, if I didn't have the baby!

It's just simple things like that. It didn't "cost" me anything, but I know the guy was apperciative. It's a far cry from last weekend when I needed help!

Last Friday (before sickfest #2058 for 2007 began), my car wouldn't start up at the local grocery store. I literally asked 7 people if they would jump start me (I had the cables in my hand!), and they all had excuses. I was upset with the human race for those 30 minutes. I was all alone and needed help and everyone had a fucking excuse. I finally got ahold of M and he was on his way, when a guy parked infront of me. I kindly asked him to move to the next parking spot because my car was broke down but my spouse was on his way to help since I couldn't get anyone there to help. He said he wouldn't move because he was going to help. He said in today's day and age it didn't suprise him noone helped.

But he did help, and Thank you mister!

Tomorrow, see what you can do for someone out-of-the-blue. I dare you.

The Greatest Grandma In The World!

I have the world's greatest Grandma. I love her more than anything in the world, including my own mother. She has been my rock, my only sure thing. I make her proud, despite my faults. I am the favorite, always have been, always will be. She makes up for all the fucked up shit that happens to me. So what if the world sucks? I've got my Grandma.

I haven't talked much about what is going on but last week she got a spinal block and the steriods went into her blood stream and she's been really, really sick. She is seeing things that aren't there, stuck in bed, in pain, and just exhausted. This woman is not "the in bed" type of granny, it's not her.

My Mom asked me tonight if I was mentally prepared to deal with losing my Grandma if something happened to her soon, or later. I told her no. I'm not. I am telling you right now I am not going to think about it, I can't. Life without my grandma? We aren't going there. I will tell you though, it will be the more dark and deep than any other time of my life and I hope like hell I come out the other end. It will be stronger than any battle with infertility, any battle with my mom or dad, any battle with my sister, any battle with anything I have ever dealt with. Nothing will compare.

So at this time, instead of bitching about co-workers, expressing my strong hate/love for my spouse, I ask for one thing. Prayers. Please pray my Grandma makes it through this rough patch. I wasn't going to acknowledge how serious it was until my Mom brought it up tonight, but it is what it is. Please.

No, Seriously, He's Never Going To Change...

I promised a post this week reguarding relationships, but then I got busy and sick. However, I promise, it's going to come. I just have to sit down and get these emotions in writting. He is off Monday nights, so it will probably be Tuesday at the earliest before I can get the emotions out.

I got sick on Friday night, drove home by myself Saturday morning, and the mister has barely done shit for me the whole time. He did manage to go to W@lgreens for Sprite after much moaning and groaning, but that's it. He says he doesn't want to get near me so he doesn't get sick. WTF? I am puking my brains out, I can barely stay awake for more than 10-15 minutes at a time, Im sleeping anywhere from 1-6 hours straight and you can't even manage to ask me what the fuck I might need to feel better??? Ugh! I even asked him to go to the local deli to get me some soup this afternoon since all I have had was sprite and crackers for 48 hours and he says "I can't! If I move the car the radio wires will get mixed up and I'm trying to put the new radio in!". Yeah, pick up your jaw if you can. I was shocked. I told him I hoped his sorry ass didn't get sick and went back to bed. Two hours later I woke up to him asking where my money was and what kind of soup I wanted. Blah, blah, BLAH!

I am still feeling weak, but I think I might manage to go to work tomorrow although I should probably take off work to rest up one more day. But the mister is off work tomorrow and I really don't want to be around him all day. As long as I can manage to keep the soup down (so far, so good) and get a decent nights sleep (Since 10:30 Friday night I have only been up maybe a total of 4 hours.) which shouldn't be too hard, I will get up at 5 am for another crazy ass work week. What a waste of a weekend. Damn it.

Just Be Glad You Don't Have THAT!

This is the conversation between me and my last patient of the day Friday...

LP: Thank you so much for seeing me today. Is everyone else coming in for the same thing? Sinuses? It's this weather!

Me: Yeah, that and a very bad stomach virus.

LP: What? What are the symptoms?

Me: Going to the bathroom and throwing up constantly for 24 hours. Fever, Exhaustion etc.

LP: OMG! I'm glad I don't have that!

Me: Oh me too! I've been praying I won't get it since I work front desk ya know.

LP: Yeah really!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know what happens right? Right? Yep, you're right.

I ate dinner around 8 last night and by 9 my stomach began to swell. I swear I looked about 4 months pregnant. I was belching and felt very sick and weak. I laid down at 10:30 thinking I had just ate way, way too much since I was on the phone at dinner. I woke up at 11:30 and began throwing up. I hate throwing up. I fucking hate throwing up. I really, really hate throwing up. I was up every hour running to the bathroom. At 7 I had to drive the younger kid to school (remember I was babysitting this weekend, too!) and came home and slept until I had to pick him up. I picked him up and dropped him off and came home. My 15minute drive home lasted 45 minutes because I was so dizzy and weak and had to pull over to throw up. I came home and crashed. I have had less than a handful of oyster crackers and less than a can of sprite since last night. I am just now able to sit up for a few minutes without feeling so bad.

I had so much to do this weekend, however it looks like non of it is getting done. Thank goodness its the weekend, cause I hate taking off work.

I'll try to catch up with everyone tomorrow, it's time to lay back down again.

Exhausted

I really don't know why I am so tired this week, but I am. I am just so woren out that my body is aching. This whole, 3-4 hours of sleep then working 11 hours thing, ain't work'n!

Tomorrow I will be away for a few days so I am not sure when I will get to post again. I forgot I had a prior commitment. Silly me.

Maybe by this weekend I will have enough energy to do the relationship post.

My heart is breaking right now for Impatient Patient, I just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you tonight. I pray you find the strength to continue down this fucked up path, life. Lots of love sweetie, lots of love.

Easy, Peasy

I started the Pr0vera today. Nine more days to go.

I have to say, tonight, I am feeling a little down. I cried for the first time in a few weeks about not being pregnant yet. This just really fucking sucks.

I guess I will take this time to say, whether you are waiting to ovulate, to transfer, to test, to deliver, or to adopt, I'm thinking about you, too.

I wish we just had one of these

...instead of one of these...