...or three years ago today we began cycle day one of our (in)fertility journey.
I have avoided this post all day long because I wasn't sure I could find the words to explain the past three years and even as I type them, I am not sure they will adequately explain what I have been through but I am going to at least give a glimpse.
The first year was full of hope. Every day I would wake up and gleefully take my temp and post it on my chart. We would plan to 'baby dance' on certain days then I would strap myself upside down from the ceiling fan for 30 minutes to an hour afterwards depending upon how hopeful I was. Towards the end of the first year hope had faded and depression had set in.
The second year I was in a dark place. Just dealing with my own infertility was hard enough muchless having my teenage sister get pregnant on top of that. I can remember some really, really dark days. Crying on the bathroom floor and screaming to the top of my lungs. Wondering why M never 'got it'. Why he wasn't sitting next to me throwing a fit to the world. Why am I the only one that feels like this?
This past year started out rough with the arrival of my niece and her stupid ass parents not taking care of her, but it hasn't ended in as dark of a place. I am not as happy as I want to be, but I can't remember the last time I cried so hard I felt like I was dead. And that's a good thing.
Although we have been trying for three years, we are still very early in the research/medical side of infertility. I haven't been through countless treatments or miscarriages and such, but it hasn't been an easy road either. How do you measure unseen pain?
I am not quite sure what the next year holds, I hope we have started medications by the end of the year, but beyond that I can't really tune it in. Of course I pray we get that elusive second pink line sooner rather than later but I am not sure what we will actually do without infertility coverage.
I do know one thing is for sure, I will continue to wait for my time, for yet another year, because that's all I can do. Wait. For. My. Time.
8 comments:
You probably hear this a lot and it is probably assvice but you are right, it's early days yet re. investigations and you are young. You have that on your side. Your time, it will come...
I hope that your time comes very soon.
Hope it comes sooner than later. It's not an easy road to travel and I'm sure the 3 years feels like 20 at times for you.
By the way, you're an amazing aunt, too!
Waiting can be just as painful and difficult as undergoing treatment and not getting the second line. You have done more than your share of waiting. I hope there will not be much more of it for you.
Waiting is the worst of it because everything feels so out of your control. You're in my heart.
Wishing you peace of mind and a short wait.
Hi there, found this post via the round-up.
I wish I knew how to measure the unseen pain of infertility too. It aches, no matter what you have or haven't been through.
xx
J
Found this by way of the roundup too. I think we go through the dark place before we develop tools to deal with infertility a little bit better. I hope you never need to move to "the big guns"
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