I am feeling a bit guilty lately about my feelings and reactions towards InfertileNowPregnantWithTwins. She is six months pregnant and due in a few week. I can't stand looking at her. I turn and walk away from her at the mention of "the twins" whenever it comes up in conversations with other people around. I just barely mutter an "okay" or "uh huh" if we are alone. I try to avoid both moments at all cost. She even showed me pictures of her latest ultrasound last week and I just glanced for a milisecond and didn't say anything.
Just a few weeks after finding out she was pregnant, I bought her a twin stroller. I promptly put it in the attic where it has stayed for nearly five months. So, obviously I "care" about her enough to buy such a large purchase, after all it's a bit more exspensive than two outfits or not even buying her any thing at all, but still. I am feeling so guilty about not being a good friend.
Sometimes I think I should tell her or write her a letter explaining my feelings telling her I am sorry for being such a horrid person. Something inside of me is keeping me from doing this though, self protection or something. If I continue to be a bad friend, I save myself from dealing with the emotions of being in this alone. [Yes, I know I'm not, but as you know, we often feel that way.] If I don't, I risk dealing with this face to face. Can't there be a simple balance?