I am feeling a bit guilty lately about my feelings and reactions towards InfertileNowPregnantWithTwins. She is six months pregnant and due in a few week. I can't stand looking at her. I turn and walk away from her at the mention of "the twins" whenever it comes up in conversations with other people around. I just barely mutter an "okay" or "uh huh" if we are alone. I try to avoid both moments at all cost. She even showed me pictures of her latest ultrasound last week and I just glanced for a milisecond and didn't say anything.
Just a few weeks after finding out she was pregnant, I bought her a twin stroller. I promptly put it in the attic where it has stayed for nearly five months. So, obviously I "care" about her enough to buy such a large purchase, after all it's a bit more exspensive than two outfits or not even buying her any thing at all, but still. I am feeling so guilty about not being a good friend.
Sometimes I think I should tell her or write her a letter explaining my feelings telling her I am sorry for being such a horrid person. Something inside of me is keeping me from doing this though, self protection or something. If I continue to be a bad friend, I save myself from dealing with the emotions of being in this alone. [Yes, I know I'm not, but as you know, we often feel that way.] If I don't, I risk dealing with this face to face. Can't there be a simple balance?
5 comments:
You are NOT horrible. It is perfectly normal to feel a bit jealous and sad when you see someone else who has what you so desperately want. No matter what they had to go through to get there. I do think she'd understand if you told her how you were feeling, whether in a letter or in person. If she knows that you want to start a family to, she probably understands without having anything said. xox.
I hear you, and understand how you feel. You are such a great person, so don't feel bad for not being able to deal with her. IF is probably the hardest of all emotions to deal with, and she of all people will understand that. I think writting her a letter is a great idea. It's always easier to say everything you want in a letter than in person. I'm sure she understands.
Is she being such a good friend to you? Does she have to share the details with you?
She might think to ask you whether you're up to hearing it, no?
You are definitely not horrible. I completely understand your feelings. Since she has been where you are, she should be understanding.
I know it feels horrible to have the feelings you are having. I've gone through this, too. I think Lut C has a good idea. If you feel like you can't write the letter to her about how you feel, maybe you can just ask her to ask you if you want to hear her latest news before she tells you about it. I don't think you need much explanation. You can tell her that there are days when it's hard for you to hear these things even though you care for her. As a fellow infertile, I think she should be able to understand that.
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