A few months ago, (I thought I blogged about this alread, but couldn't find it!), my infertile co-worker and I were talking and she said "If I find out I'm pregnant, do you want me to tell you first or do you want to hear it from someone?" I told her I wanted to be told, in the afternoon as I was leaving to go home and first, that way if there were any hard feelings, it would be away from her. She agree'd and said she would like the same for her. Okay. Deal. Deal.
This morning, she tells me she's pregnant as I walk into the room (as she's telling another girl) My heart sank. That's now how she said she would tell me. That's not fair. I said congrats and went to my desk. Now I know she's been trying as long as I have and wants it as bad as I do, but it still hurts. I feel guilty for feeling like this. I wanted to cry so hard, but I work front desk, I can't have a red face. I had to make sure I was breathing a few times because I felt like I had forgot how to. I am so very happy for her, and she deserves it, honestly. But I am so, so, so alone in this big world.
Now the count is up to 4 pregnancies. Four. One due in Feb. One in March. One in June. And now, Aug/Sept. Sigh. I work next to this girl, I can't exactly escape the pregnancy talk when I want to. Man I feel so, so sad inside. So hurt.
The thing that makes my stomach hurt the most though, as I was thinking about it at my desk..Next Christmas she will have a baby.
I want a baby. I want to experiance Christmas with my child. The thought of yet another childless Christmas is flat out heart wrenching.
So what did I do? I made an appointment to see a new doctor , March 16th (next appt avail. when I can take off)..and then, on my way home, I stopped by here and got a banana split with chocolate marshmallow, peanut butter cookie dough, and cake batter ice cream. Sigh. I ate it in the car on the way home and when M went inside, I stayed in the car and cried.
I think after I finish typing this out, I might take a hot bubble bath with this and do some more crying.