Out With The Old, In With The New!

As 2006 comes to an end in a mere few hours, I sit and ponder what has happened over the past 365 days. What have I accomplished as a person? Am I better off? Am I worse off? Did I do what I had wanted? Has anything changed in my life?

2006 began depressingly as my sister was pregnant, we had been trying a year and a half, and just scheduled to see the doctor. My sister did give birth to a beautiful baby girl, we have now been trying two and a half years, and have only been to the doctor once.

2006 did bring happiness to two of the orignal BC crew, congrats to them. However there are still five of us that are still waiting. Many women/men in blogland have also arrived, but many of us are also still waiting. I hope 2007 brings all of us closer to our dreams of parenthood.

As sad as I am to type this, I do not see 2007 bringing me my bundle, or even a pregnancy. (Note: I will be more than happy to eat my words.) I think 2008 is my year, though.

I plegde for 2007 to be a better year for myself. I want to be happier. I want to be healthier. I want to help others more. At the end of this next year, I will have worked on all of these.

I hope this next year brings each one of you the health and happiness you deserve. God Bless you all.

T.G.I.F!!!

Although this has been the shortest work week all year, it's been the busiest.

Today I got caught up on the paperwork I had to do and then made up extra copies/packets of things to cover me for a month until my doctor is off again.

I went to T@rget again tonight, fourth night in a row, I got $125 worth of groceries for $11.??.. man I love this addiction! We got 15 steaks/meat packets, 10 cans beans, 2 bags frozen fruit, 1 box ice cream, 3 loaves bread, and 10 bags of chips. Go Me!

Over the next three days I need to clean my room, organize my closet, shop some more, go through coupons, organize desk, put up all Christmas stuff into the attic, organize blog, and get bills paid. All of this should have been done - LAST weekend!

Lut asked about the move.. We still aren't sure yet. A friend of mine told us about some cheap places to rent in MS (about a 10-15min drive) that we need to go check out soon. My biggest worry is about working in TN and living in MS and having to pay the extra crappy taxes. Who knows..sigh!

I also want to post a year in review post this weekend..

So, until then, Happy New Year!!

Did I Forget?

I think through the drama of the holidays, I forgot to mention something..

I am offically on Cycle 20 after ending a 50something day cycle.

I heart my body!

Twenty cycles in 2 years 6 months. Yeah doc, I am "normal".


Wish I could find a decent doctor to go to that I wouldn't have to pay out of pocket with.

Hell, for that matter, I wish my body would just work like normal.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

I had a some-what of a rough Christmas, tried to recoop with a bit of retail therapy.

Still kind of bummed about a few things (not so much Christmas related). Just plain ole feeling sorry for myself. Sorry my body sucks. M and I have been fighting about stupid shit again. I swear the moment I feel a bit better, he's gotta find something to get mad about and make me pissed off again.

My nights fly by during the week, I just glanced at the clock on the computer, yeah it's about 10:30pm, how is that? 5am will arrive shortly. I want to go to Chickf!la for breakfast but I won't have time if I don't wake up on time. If today was any indication of how tomorrow will be, I should have been in bed at 6pm. My one doctor alone, saw 49 patients.

I went to BathNBodyWorks tonight for their semi annual sale. I bought some chocolate bubble bath. How fat am I? So I cleaned my tub and my water is running, I am going to grab a few pieces of chocolate, a soda, and sit in the tub for about 30 mins to drain my body of it's stresses. Tomorrow is a new day.

Note to Thugboy: Just because you can have a child naturally doesn't mean you know how to take care of a kid. Being a nanny for all the years I have been a Nanny DOES fucking count for something so kiss my fat @ss you worthless punk. -Deep breath- Now I feel better.

Goodnight.

Merry Christmas

I wanted to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas!

Today has been a bit rough around the edges, as I figured it would be. A year ago this weekend we found out my sister was pregnant. A year later, I get a Christmas present from her that she's pregnant again. Wonderful. Fucking wonderful. My mom got me $50 for Christmas, which to some might seem like a lot, and it's not even the fact it's $50, well-okay-part of it is, but we have always had a big Christmas, I have always had GIFTS from my Mother. Not money. Gifts. No matter how much I didn't ask for the items, I always got something. No, not this year. This year she hands me 2 candlesticks, a picture frame, and a body lotion and a card with $100 to split with M. Everything but the money came from the casion gift shop. Yes, my mother has spent all her fucking money at the casino, yet again, and I get presents from the casino and cash.

What makes me mad is that she gave thugboy and my sister $100 plus all of the stuff ***I*** bought thinking she was going to pay me back, oh no. And no, not one gift from my sister to pay me back for all the shit I've done for them with the baby, not even a card. I could vomit at the sounds of their voice as they opened the gifts. Puke.Chunks.Puke.

On the bright side, I got $30 from my grandparents on my father's side and my stocking candies from my father. Then my grandma got me one of these instead of one of these , I said hot chocolate maker, she got the wrong thing. But I still love it! I got some scrubs and a coach purse from one of my aunts, a fleece jacket from another aunt, $20 gift card to Target and nail creme from another aunt, a huge lotion gift set from William Sonoma from another aunt, and a few clothes from grandma as well. Very pleased! Everyone seemed to love what I gave, which is always nice!

I feel better now that I have typed out my emotions, maybe I won't cry tonight.

Merry Christmas & Happy Birthday Jesus! God Bless everyone. Be safe.

My Father

My father and I haven't had the best of relationships as far as father's and daughter's are concerned. My parents split when I was in the second grade. The night that did it all in was my mother pouring out my father's whisky into the sink and him hauling off and hitting her into a corner until we called my aunt and her boyfriend (we called him our uncle). They came over and my uncle beat the shit out of my dad and from that day on we only went over there on Sundays and didn't have to go after the age of 14 per the judge.

I can remember going to school in the third grade, standing in the bathroom stall debating on telling the teacher about the bruise on my leg the size of a frisbee and the one below it the size of a baseball bat that I got for not eating my green beans. I have never really been close to him for him hurting my mother or me. Neither of my parents have been decent parents for most of the 20 something years they have aquired the title.

Now, as I get older, I am trying to slowly rebuild my relationship with him. Over the past few years/months with my sister and thugboy my father has really pushed away from my sister, his favorite child. I cried on the way home tonight after I bought him dinner, seeing his pain dealing with her not letting him see A because thugboy says since we don't accept and respect (Yes, he wants RESPECT folks! Well, he can hope for respect in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first.) he won't allow my dad be apart of A's life.

I am mad that I can't give my parents a grandchild to love and not to have to worry about whether or not they will get to see him/her. I am mad that A may not grow up knowing some people that cry to sleep thinking about her and hoping she has a good life and want the best for her. But I will stop here. I am tired of ranting about my sister and thugboy. I wish I could mentally block myself away from them, but it's a battle I am losing. How can you look at that baby and NOT want to fight for her?

Anways, I cooked chili a week or so ago and brought some over to my fathers house, and tonight, I cooked steak, potatos, mac&cheese, and rolls and took it to him as well. We are going to dinner tomorrow night for a Christmas dinner thing for M, my father, and myself. I haven't bought him anything really but I think the meals have provided more than any boxed item could have. It's a start, to hopefully a better path between father and daughter.

I don't forgive him for what he's done to me in the past right now, maybe one day, when I can look in the mirror and truly love myself, I will learn to forgive those who have hurt me the most.

I'm Back

Alright, I am back from the busy week, with my new computer in tow! So far I like it. M is now happy he has his own computer to pay with..I have a feeling we will be IMing each other while being in the same room soon, lol.

Like most, I am wrapping up the rest of the Christmas shopping in the next few days and anxious to see what Santa brings me! I think most of all I am looking forward to a four day weekend. Say it ain't so!

Just As Fast As I'm Back -- I'm Off Again

Well this may be the busiest week of 2006 for me. Tomorrow I am heading off to spend the night at my Grandma's to help me make my cookie trees for my work Christmas party. Tuesday I will be home. Wednesday is our work Christmas party which I am looking forward to! I am bringing A with me. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I will be spending at the nurse practioner's house watching her two boys 14 and 17 while she is away. I am excited as I am earning some extra money but a bit nervous as to how they will react to me. They have met me before but I just hope they listen for bed time and what not. I am very honored the NP even offered, hell that means she feels comfortable with me for such a big task. I won't have internet access Thursday thru Sunday until I get back home as I am sure I will be plenty busy!

Hope everyone has a fabulous week!

Dear Universe

Dear Universe,

It's me again. I just wanted to ask why I can't have any children? Or better yet, Why is it that my teenage sister and her thugboyfriend can sit in their room and smoke pot for hours while I take care of their child? Why couldn't you have made these people infertile instead of me? I just want to let you know my heart is breaking a lot lately, the past five and half months I have been drowning instead but, I am doing it for the baby. She needs someone who loves her and a bit of stable support. I'm just curious, I'd love a reply when you get a chance.

Thanks,
Me

I'm Back

Well my computer crashed. I had to suck it up and order a new one. Sigh. So fucking depressing. I spent three hours on the phone talking the guy down on the computer trying to get it as cheap as possible. I saved over $400 just by talking to them.

So.. I am glad to be BACK!