Prayers & Well Wishes...

Well, I don't have much to say tonight but I did have one thing to say before I head to bed.

Tomorrow is an important day for a dear friend Gina, she finds out if her first and only IVF was a success. Please send good vibes her way.

I also wanted to let Larisa know I was thinking about her tomorrow during her travels to her grandma's funeral. Hugs.

I have to work the phones tomorrow so I am sure I will be in a bad mood. Ugh. I hate them. Back to my desk Tueday thankfully.

Carded, Again

Okay, I am getting very, very fucking sick of people carding me. Every chance I get, someone uses the "Your so young, plenty of time" and "But, your not married yet" card. Fuck those cards. I am sick of it.

So, because I am in my early 20's, I can't be infertile. Because we aren't married, I can't be infertile. Because we have so much time, I can't be infertile. Because we have been trying for over two years to get pregnant, I can't be infertile. When do I get to be infertile? After we are married? When I am in my 30's or 40's? After we have been trying 10 years? By the time I am in my 30's, I will be married, and trying 10 years.

I do not need to relax. We will get married. I do have more time vs. someone in their 30's or later, however that's doesn't excuse the pain or make it any less painful.

At work the other day my Aunt said something out of line to my coworker that was infertile, and another co worker said something like "yeah, L too". My aunt in return said "Well she's not married, it doesn't matter!". Okay. There is a reason I'm not married. I have a visions of my entire family being at my wedding. I want everyone there. I want SOMETHING to be fucking normal in my life. After my sister pulled her stunt, I couldn't just get married the following year. We do have a date set, for next year, hopefully nothing else will happen to split the family, but with out luck, there will be SOMETHING.

I never asked to be infertile. I never asked to go down this path. But you better bet these past two plus years have not been easy and I will be damned if someone will ignore that because I am in my early 20s, and not married, and only been trying 2 years (which by the way, wouldn't be a problem if I wasn't so young apparently) that I can't grieve for my child I am fighting so fucking hard for.

Just A Personal Shout Out!

I would like to give a shout out.

I would like to give a HUGE shout out to the jackass who called at 3:53 this morning. Thank you for fucking calling me. Thank you for fucking getting the wrong number. Thanks for making me late for work because when the alarm went off this morning at 5 I thought it said 3 something. In that confusion I turned it off and went to sleep and woke back up 10 mins before having to be at work. Which led me to not get to get on all of my makeup and look half way decent. I also didn't get to stop by the gas station for a donut, but I was going to get a cinnamon roll from McDonalds this morning, but I was late. I also thought I had a snack in my lunch bag, nope, in the middle of rushing because I was late, because I missed my alarm, because you called at 3:53, I didn't have anything but a diet dr pepper. My stomach ached until lunch time when I finally was able to eat. So Thank you Mr. 901-566-something. There should be a law about dialing in the middle of the night like that. Do you know how fast my heart was beating as the phone rang after I looked at the clock? Your first response is "OMG, What bad news am I about to get?", not fucking "Uh, Dude, Yeah, wrong number". Oh yeah, for your information, it's dudette.

Tomorrow is Friday. TTGIF. My doctor is leaving early tomorrow and baby, so am I! I am running a few errands with my Mom when I get off work. Not sure what else we may end up doing. Kind of looking forward to a little bit of 'alone' time. Unforchantly, something always comes up when we plan time like this and she bails out.

This week has been a rough week both off and on the internet. My prayers are with a lot of families at this time. May God give them some comfort instead of all this pain.

Tomorrow or maybe Saturday, I have to tell you all something about what happened at work yesterday, a coworker finally 'got it'. No, not that 'It', another 'it'.

What A Monday...

Alright today has been a horrible day.

I got to work to find out one of my co-workers lost her baby. She was 19-21 weeks. Not sure exactly what happened right now. How fucking unfair.

The weather sucked too, stormy. I love rain but rain on a Monday, just sucks.

Patients were rude too. Bite me already.

Tomorrow IS another day, right?

Okay. Tomorrow. Is. Another. Day.

Thankfully.

I Always Do This...

I always get good at blogging then poof off for a bit. I haven't really been doing much of anything. I've been online, reading blogs, surfing the web, etc. I have been really busy at work too. I guess the cooler months are finally coming around, a lot of people getting sick and coming in for the same thing. My doctor alone is seeing between 37-55 patients a day. Talk about overwhelming at times.

I will try to make better at blogging. I have made a few decisions about things lately though... I will get into those on another post.

Another week has arrived.

Cycle 18

I forgot to post last night.

Monday AF arrived.

Cycle 18 has begun.

Nine Eleven Two-Thousand One

One Sept. 11th 2001, I was taking care of a little one and watching the Today Show. I saw the second plane hit. My first response was "It's going to fall.". I cried for our country for several weeks/months after 9-11. I am barely in my 20's this is the first "real" terroistic thing I have dealt with. I can't imagine the pain of those who were doomed that day. I can't imagine the pain of the families who lost loved ones for such a senseless act. My heart breaks for the children without parents and the parents without children, husbands without wives, wives without husbands, brothers without sisters, sisters without brothers and so on. I was fortunate enough to not have lost someone in these attacks. My heart breaks for all the ones who have lost someone in the wars following. We have had several family/friends fight for our country, thankfully everyone has returned home safely. For those who haven't I am deeply sadden.

Has it really been five years?

Yesterday, My Mom, Grandma, M, & I went to the flag tour that is here for a few days. I took a few pictures. Each flag is in row in order of the date of their death. The flags have yellow ribbons attached. On the ribbon is a sticker that says, "In grateful memory of U.S.(Army, Navy, etc) (Rank) Name, Age, from (city/state) died on (date) in (city/county) defending bravery for you and me.".

Before we left I bought a flag. We got Lieut. Luke S. James from Oklahoma. Once we got back home, being the internet junkie that I am, I ran and logged on to Google. I was able to find this page that included pictures of his family. I cried. He leaves behind a wife and son. Along with a mother, father, brother, sister, and countless friends. Thank you for serving our country. From the bottom of my heart, Thank You. May you rest in peace. God Bless your family.

Here are a few other pictures, feel free to click on them to make them larger. Picture number 5 has little purple pipes sticking up from the ground, if you notice it, they are there for the next flag they have to put up. Sigh.




God Bless Our Country.

Cycle 17

Well today marks day 44. I thought for sure my next cycle would have arrived by now. Felt a little crampy a few days ago. I really don't want to have another 117day cycle. What in the hell is going on with my body? I am getting really upset about it. I want to call the doctor about it, but then I don't. I don't know what to do. I haven't tested yet. Perhaps I will in the morning and then call the doctor for an appointment, either good or bad.

Everyone keeps telling me I should try birth control, it will even my cycles out. Sigh.

I just want to be normal. N o r m a l.

Most of my lab work is coming back "noraml" but my body is still fucked up.

Hello Friends, Meet Bob

I went to a few yard sales today. I was kind of disappointed. I didn't get too much. Five packs of staples, a 3 hole punch, and some post it note sticky tab things for $2.

I also picked up Bob for two bucks. He needs a little cleaning but other wise is too damn cute. I love this freaky little creature. I can't wait to put him on my porch in a few weeks!!

Letting Go...

Apparently all of my life I have let people walk all over me. I guess I just want people to like me, specifically, my mom, brother, and sister. My dad is on the list too, I guess, but we rarely talk.

Yesterday afternoon I borrowed my playpen from my sister, K, because I was watching my friend's son and I was trying to get some things done. They haven't been using it any ways except to store things in. When I finished with it I went to give it back to her and she says, "No, We don't want it back. Don't worry about it. Thugboy is getting paid and we are buying her all new everything!". This struck a nerve with me. I have spent a lot of money trying to get ready for their baby since neither have a job and didn't buy her anything prior to her arrival. Not once has anyone offered to pay me back any of it, knowing damn well it didn't come to me free. So instead of keeping the things I have bought at really, really, good deals, they are going to pay some store full price for all new everything. I should have known when I began shopping I wasn't going to get my money back. So, now, before I buy more things I will have to ask myself, "Are you okay with buying this and not getting anything in return, not even a verbal "Thank You"?" The only exceptions will be presents for birthdays or holidays. They wouldn't do the same thing for me, and I surely have other things to spend/save my money on. So I am letting go of this hold they have on me. I am too nice. It's causing more harm than good.

Letting. Go. Now. Goodbye.

What Have You Been?

I guess I forgot to post before I left. Whoops.

On the post a few post back about my Mom. I have to thank Tamara for giving me the words. We infertiles are not obsessed, we are motivated or driven. I am driven to get pregnant. If I give up on my dream, who else will fight for it? Next time she brings this up, and she will, I will give her the driven/motivated speech. Thanks for all of the other comments, I really wish some people would just fucking get it. If we have to, why don't they?

So, Where have I been? Well we went to my grandma's to house sit. My aunt and grandma decided at the last minute to go out of town to see my aunt and other family. It was nice. Just Matt and I from Friday until late last night. Friday I ended up having to work all day pretty much. When I got off work we went and saw Wicker Man (Why? That was a stupid ass movie!!!). Saturday we mowed their lawn then went shopping!! I went to an outlet mall and got my neice 4 pairs of winter pants for $6 total! I also picked up M two pairs of jeans for $17. I didn't end up getting anything, that day. We grilled out and finally watched the MTV awards. Sunday I slept most of the day on the couch.

Today we went shopping for groceries and of course I had to pick up one of these at Michael's thanks to a 50% off coupon. Isn't that just the coolest damn thing? It's the infatable globes. The bat's blow around.



Well, it's back to work tomorrow. Sigh. Tomorrow is CD 39. I am kind of scared. Scared I will have another 117 day cycle. Please. No. No. No.