Tuesday, August 29
Okay so I have never not known a time without sliced bread, but I still found something really neat! Working at a doctor's office you get all kind of perks, free food, pens, pads, etc. Today for snack we had cookies from Perkins Bakery. Whodathunk to put two cookies together? and how do they do that? Yum. I had two. Fat ass I am. Part sugar, part chocolate, part delicious!
Oh yeah, the other infertile, L, at work today talked to me a bit about if one of us gets pregnant first, because you know, one day it WILL happen! She asked if she wanted her to tell me or if she wanted me to hear from someone else and also asked if I would cry. I told her to tell me at the end of the day and the answer to the last question is a yes, but I wouldn't do it infront of her. We both agreed. I think I will give her flowers and a card if I find out before her. I swear it will be a cold lonely day indeed when the first one gets pregnant. Not many people can say they have someone who "gets it" (although sometimes she fools me and acts like she doesn't) in real life. But on days like this, its nice to talk to someone a bit. I would tell her about blogs but I would be scared she would find mine (I like to gossip about work!). She may already know though, who knows.
I'm off to bed. M wouldn't go to bed when I asked, or let me go to bed I should say, so now he is in bed and asking when I am going to bed, so I'm blowing him off (not literally) for another 20 mins. I will then climb in bed and say "It sucks when you want to go to bed and the other person won't listen, eh?".
Good night friends.
Monday, August 28
My Mom told me today for the umptenth time that people are infertile because "They try too hard", "Want kids in their life more than God", etc etc. She asked if infertiles are obsessed over kids even more after they finally get one. What the fuck? I think we are harder on ourself and want 150% what's best for our child but I wouldn't call it obsessed. I would like to say that we have been down one long-ass-bumpy-as-fuck-curvy-no-that-way-turn-around road, so we apperciate things differently.
I really need to learn that my Mom will never get it. Will I ever get that?
Hugs go out to Meri-Ann.
Sunday, August 27
I came home and got the little one and the big one, we headed back up to work for a little showing off, where little one only showed off her lungs. I also had to pick up the keys to my aunt's house. She didn't need us after all but we still agreed to mow her lawn for her. So off we went for 3 hours with the baby.
Saturday I slept until 12:30. Not am. PM. M tried to wake me up several times. I just remember saying "Uhuh, I'll be up in a min", "erm, uhm, few more mins". I didn't get out of bed until 1pm though. We went shopping and on the way home had a huge fight. Lovely. I was crying and so upset with him. He just won't listen to me on some things. He finally apologized. But not until he saw I had enough. We ended up going to Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner and watching the UFC fight. Woo Hoo Liddell kicked some ass baby! I'm not really into watching two grown men pound the shit out of each other but M insist on watching SpikeTV when it comes on. Dinner was good. I should have grabbed me a drink but I didn't. Just sweet tea. Silly me thinking this cycle might be "the one". One of them has to be right? We came home at almost midnight and went straight to bed.
Today M woke up to go get the paper and my car had a flat. We took it to Walmart where it cost a lovely $73 to fix it because the screw went in on the side and they couldn't "just fix it" for $10. Arg. Every time we get any kind of money saved I have to spend $100. I even decided not to buy iPod speakers because I was going to save money then I go back to the Tire & Lube area and got the bad news. Damn.
I had planned to do a few things this weekend.
- Update a website I run from a babycenter group I'm on.
- Sort & Organize my coupons
- Mow lawn
Didn't get any of them done though. We did clean the fish tank out though. Lazy Girl I am.
Tomorrow it's back to work. Thankfully I have a four day week this week and next week. Yey!
Oh yeah I woke up to my right ankle being out. I think I hurt it many, many years ago and never went to doctor. Today though it hasn't popped back into place or whatever it does. I walk with a limp with shoes on and can't move at all without them. Sigh. I think an xray is in my future. Damn, Sam, Damn.
Congrats to Mary Ellen & Steve, go give them some love.
Thursday, August 24
I have to say "Goodbye" because tomorrow we are going to house sit at my aunts house while she is out of town. It will be a nice break from the family stresses here for a bit. I get off work at 2 tomorrow and we aren't even coming back here.
Hope everyone has a wonderful Friday and Saturday. I may be back Saturday evening or Sunday.
Tuesday, August 22
This afternoon I came back from lunch with 3 patients signed in. My afternoon starts at 1, it was 11:50. Fuck. After making a patient pay an $80 bill we have been trying to collect for over a year now it just went down hill. I had two patients who went off on me. Both I could have taken, one, per day. But the bitchy bill lady and two hostile patients was tough. I went down the hall and a coworker could see I was not crying but on the verge. She gave me a hug and my body said "Go right ahead honey, let it OUT" I held on as hard as I could. One tear fell. Then I wiped my eye and went to my doctors area to talk to the nurse about what just happened and I couldn't talk, just cry. My boss was right there too. Wonderful. I told them I was fine, just a little overwhelmed and would be fine in a minute. I was. I stopped crying. Had a patient tell me he hoped I had a better day (THANK YOU!). Then I went and grabbed a diet dr pepper from the soda machine.
Tonight with M hasn't been any easier. He can be a real pill at times. I warned him to go easy on me as I wasn't in the mood. He didn't listen. I got really mad and I haven't talked to him in over an hour. I don't plan to for the rest of the evening either.
Life? Seriously, BACK THE FUCK OFF! I've had enough damn it. I'm only one fucking person. M'kay? M'kay.
Off to take a hot as hell shower and cry.
Tomorrow IS another day.
Monday, August 21
Well BD fest is still going on for a few more days not sure where thermometer is, again.
On a health news update from the other day. My aunt's tissue results came back and it is cancer. Ugh. Speaking of, the dr's wife I think has it too. Two people diagnosised with breast cancer in just a few days. Scary. My thoughts continue with both of them.
Off to bed, tomorrow is yet another day.
Friday, August 18
The situation with my sister and the baby is really upsetting me. She is still constantly feeding the baby. Just tonight she gave her over 10 oz of formula over 2 hours. Why is it fair for two dumbasses to have a child but I can't? What in the hell am I learning by going down this journey? I am not any more patient, just more pissed. God, if your listening could you please enlighten me as to what I am supose to learn? I can't handle the pain. It's not making me a happy person. I am breaking up inside. Please, I need a break from bad things. Good things, mkay?
Health wise I have had a lot to deal with as well. My aunt had a lump in her breast and they told her there was a 99% chance it was breast cancer. The next day she found out it wast just a cyst, so very thankful. A co-worker, T was found out this week she has a tumor near her brain. They said it's too small to operate on. I pray it doesn't get worse, she's only in her early 40's. A doctors wife at my office ended up finding a knot in her breast. She came in yesterday. He took off today. I am praying so much for their family. I am hoping for good news on Monday but feeling nervous since he never takes off.
I also got my yearly review today. I was a bit nervous about it. The past couple of weeks have been rough between me and the assistant office manager so I was worried that would play into the review instead of the fact that over the past year, my first year, I have learned over 5 job positions and everything to do with them. Thankfully the review went my way. Apparently I am spoiled and an use to $1-2 per year increase. I got a whooping 4%. Not much but better than nothing. I guess most people only get a 2-3. Rarely a 4. So go me! He said I would have had more if I didn't have 8-9 missed punches. I had no clue those counted againist you or I would have actually made an effort NOT to forget my badge. Damn it!
Please let next week be better.
BDfest is underway...Only a week or so until I know if I have ovulated. Not another crazy cycle I hope.
On a final note, yesterday marked the four year anniversary of my cousin's death. She was missing for 98 days. Her body was found at the bottom of a lake in her car. She was just fifteen. No foul play so "they" say but I still can't wrap my brain around how noone saw her drive off the road on a clear, sunny August Saturday morning.
I miss your smile.
We all miss you.
May you rest in peace.
Sunday, August 13
As you can see on my sidebar I now have a new banner. Thanks to some lovely infertile bloggers here, I now have an addition to my jewlery. I have made one for myself and the other infertile at work. I have also made a few more if anyone is unable to find the thread where they are at and would like a bracelet please let me know.
So let's wear to make aware ladies.
***Please email me at twocrazyturtles (AT) msn (DOT) com for the bracelets, Thanks.***
Saturday, August 12
We took my car into the shop this morning and to fix the problem they want $1500. My car isn't worth much over twice that. We have decided to do some research online about the stuff that is messed up and may try to fix it ourself as I am sure 98% of that money is pure labor.
We did go and look at the apartments next to my work again and I am still in love with them. I think we will probably move into them when we do move. Rent is a tad on the high side but it is in walking distance to work and I may actually walk or ride my bike to work if we move there. They have a pool, work out room, and business center. They also have two little things, you know the things that just make you smile! They have a newspaper thing beside the mailboxes, which is cool because we get the Sunday paper from the kid at the corner every week. They also have a car wash area. Really cool!
After looking at the apartments we decided to go have lunch at the burger joint down the street that we both like. After we ate we decided to the dollar store where I bought a few things. I have been trying to get my name for months now but they always are missing 2-3 letters. I still didn't get it this week because I was missing the L. Damn it. But this will work instead. I put it above my desk.
(( Edited: I will add the picture tomorrow, It had personal information on it I have to crop out. ))
After that we decided to go see a movie, Taladega Nights. I just have to say Will Farrel is piss-on-youself funny. I laughed so hard I had tears running down my face. That NEVER happens. It is a must see if you need a piss-on-youself-tears-running-down-your-face-belly-hurting laugh. Ah.
At 4:30 we had an appointment to get our pictures taken. It's been awhile. They turned out great, wil be back in two weeks. Then we came home and played with my digital camera. That was fun, we took pictures of ourself being goofy, serious, flirty. I finally have some great pictures of us.
I must have actually look cute, because M has finally done it, not once, but TWICE, in one night. Finally.
Life is good for the moment.
Post # 250. Yikes!
Thursday, August 10
While I was sitting at the girl's desk I noticed her pen had her name on it. I looked at the girl next to me and started laughing. I had a light bulb moment. While sitting at her desk I managed to type up a full page of her name. I then proceded to cut the names up and tape them on to everything on her desk. By everything I mean, everything! My coworkers were laughing so hard. I can not WAIT until she comes in to work in the morning. HaHa! It's all in good fun. She will laugh her butt off and call me fungas hand for the remainder of the day.
Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday!!!!!!!!!!!
My doctor is only there half a day and I am hitting the door as soon as I can! Woooooo Hoooooooooooo!
Wednesday, August 9
Every damn time I turn around they need something. Diapers, Wipes, Formula, Food. SOMETHING. It's not my child. I'm not helping two jobless people who refuse to do anything. They have known this baby is coming for MONTHS! Yet the father never got a job long enough to get two checks. He's had one job, for a week or so. Wow. Impressive. Not.
I want to be away from them and with a baby of my own. Damn it why is life so fucking unfair?
To put the cherry on top..
Four pregnancy announcements at work in the past week. No, I'm not joking. FUCKING FOUR. Not mine, or the other infertile gals. How bad does that suck? One slap after another. Slap. Fuck. Slap. Fuck. Slap. Fuck. Slap. Fuck. Like that? There's more where that came from, I'm sure.
On a happier note, Big Congrats to Jenny!!
Tuesday, August 8
Sister and Niece are home now, a week early.
I am so fat tonight I ate an entire bag of rice cakes. Now, rice cakes aren't nearly as bad as a bag of chocolate, or chips, or anything along those lines. But still. I just couldn't help myself to one, two, or even three servings!! Ugh. Bad.
Tonight I have give the little one a bath and a bottle and she's now asleep in the playpen. I am heading for a shower then it's off to lala land for me as well.
Monday, August 7
What is up with GOOD Mondays? Not complaining, just curious!
Today was a pretty good day at work. I actually was able to get out two minutes earlier than I am supose to. May not sound like a big deal but due to my boss being a dick lately, it's a miracle. The dicky boss has been out since Wednesday. No one is looking forward to him coming back tomorrow. Hopefully he will have changed his tune. Since he has been gone I have had not one, but two meetings with his boss about the shit he is pulling.
My burn is slowly but surely healing. It is so painful at times I want to cry. If my hand is down by my side as I walk it throbs. Arg! The middle part is still white but the doctor says it's the new skin growing. Whatever it is it's disgusting.
M has also been acting more affectionate lately too. It's kind of nice. I called him from work Friday and he answered "Hey Baby". I never get that response! In about 20 minutes we are settling down in bed and watching a movie, 8 Below. Which means, cuddling! Woo Hoo.
Off for the evening..Happy Monday ladies, Happy Monday.
Sunday, August 6
We currently live with my Mom. Orginally it was to save for the treatments or adoption. (Also to save her ass from a bad gambling addiction.) But my brother is moving out in September and my Sister and neice are coming back home in two weeks. My Mom, whom I love dearly, is severly depressed and has been for awhile. I'm not sure I have ever seen her happy, truly happy. She's the most negative person in the world. She doesn't see the good things that happen to her. Never.
Before M moved out here (for good) there was never a day she didn't call me a "Bitch" or "Worthless" or something worse. It really put a damper, to say the least, on who I was. Like any relationship, we have had our moments since M has been here but she hasn't really stepped over her boundaires. Today however she really kind of pushed her luck. She said a few hurtful things about M to me telling me she hoped he would leave me and that she would try her damnest to make sure we didn't get married. This all started because I told her we were looking at apartments and thinking about moving out within the next few weeks/months. The last thing she said before I left the room was "I hope you both move out soon and I hope you both drop dead."
I have done everything for her and my brother and sister. I have fought with M about money issues to help them. I have spent nearly $1,000 over the past few months getting ready for my sister's baby. I have spent every last dime in savings (a few thousand) to help my mom save the house because she won't stop gambling. I just gave my brother a few hundred dollars to pay for his DUI. Why do I do this? Time and time again they show their true selfs and I start kicking myself thinking, Why?! They will never change. My mom will never stop gambling. She will never love me like she does my brother and sister despite the uncountable amounts of time/money/effort I have done for her over the past 5-7 years. My brother will one day grow up, I just know he has it in him. My sister, I'm not so sure. She's only 18 so there is still hope. I hope she wakes up and realizes what's best for her and the baby.
I have decided I have got to start building My Life, M's Life, Our Life Together. We have it narrowed down to two apartments. After work tomorrow we will check out the first one again. I'm tired of helping people who won't help themselves. I don't know if my Mom will ever talk to me again when I move out, and no, Im not over reacting. She has cut herself from her side of the family over stupid shit, she won't think twice about a daughter who she doesn't give two winks about.
Pray these next few weeks will go smoothly.
Dare I say this...
What is meant to be, is meant to be.
On another note..
Only a week or so until babyfest again..
Saturday, August 5
I mean, really suck. I apparently have a 2nd degree burn on my hand. It's killing me. Yesterday at work while throwing away some foil containers I sliced some of my knuckle off on my right hand. It sucks because both hands have cuts/burn and it's kind of hard to do anything with water. Especially washing my face at night and/or showers. I really hope this heals soooooon. I'm a klutz!
Thursday, August 3
***Baby Talk, Pictures below***
I woke up this morning 20 minutes later than I was hoping to. I had to get my ass out of bed fast as I had to curl my hair. In an effort to try to boost my self esteem over the past few months I have slowly come out of a cacoon. Doing my hair very pretty every day so much that other people are noticing on a daily basis and complimenting me (if only M would then I would feel a lot better, but I digress). I also woke up to the air being frozen up again so I was hot as hell melting standing in just my br@ and p@nties (not a pretty picture). I just knew today I was going to get burned again, in more ways than one. For the past few weeks I keep clipping my ear with the straightener and my poor ears have burn marks on them (easy to hide thanks to an overload of hair). I tried to be careful but I knicked my hand once. Ouchie, had to do it one more time, the first wasn't good enough. I don't know how I did it but the last time I sizzled my fucking hand. It's a good two inches and is sore as a monther fucker. I put some burn cream on it at work, it helped with the swelling around the main burn. Isn't it pretty?
I couldn't work very much today. I was thinking too much about gettng Amaya this afternoon. Wondering if they would pull another stunt and break my heart again. I was trying not to get my hopes up but of course it's not an easy thing to do. I got off work at 1:45. I went by the gas station and picked up a 2-liter of soda for them. Then I drove next door to grab them some chicken dinners. As we pulled into their driveway my heart was breaking. I knocked on the door. Once more. Yet again. Okay, really, one more time people. I'm not going to walk away with these bags of chicken and start crying in the car. I can't. Damn it answer the door! I know you are in there! I stuck my finger in their doorbell that was broken to try to get it with my nail. Ah Ha! I rang the bell three times. No answer. Fuck. One more time, then I am off. I notice a ruffle in the window and with the door knob. My sister walked out and shut the door behind her. Fuck Fuck Fuck. She told me Thug was still sick and to please go home and get him some medication and she would get the baby ready. DEEEEEEP BREATHHHHH. I went home to get the meds then came back. She was sleeping and my sister gave her to me. Told me not to take her any where but to the house. She knows me doesn't she? I didn't listen. I went back up to work to show my little bundle of joy off to my coworkers who get to hear me babble about her all day. Plus my aunt works with me and she hasn't seen her since she was born. I called my Mom and she asked if I could bring her by her work too, a block away. Of course I obliged. We vowed not to tell the teenager and Thug. I had her for 8 hours today. I am supose to get her again tomorrow.
Today was a great day. I only got burned three times. It was worth it.
Here is my chunky monkey neice. At 6 weeks 6 days old weighing in at a whooping 12bs. She ate another baby in the nursery!
Wednesday, August 2
I was watching The Hills tonight and it was the season fanalie. I'm kinda bummed. Laguna Beach's new season starts back up in two weeks though. So I may be down for now, but not for too long!
We woke up to our air conditioner froze over yet again. Two inches of ice on the pipes outside. We live in the south, the hot, humid, south style summer! Slap ya Momma hot! I hope it gets fixed soooon. It's bareable at night. Thankfully I work during the day and have no clue just how close to hell I could feel!
Off to paint my toe nails, going to wear sandles tomorrow..eek!
Tuesday, August 1
Tonight while reading Tamara's I was relieved to know I wasn't alone. Growing up I have always imagined growing up and living happily ever after. Flash forward to reality and I'm not so. I know infertility either pulls a couple close together or pulls them far a part. M and I seem to be the later. I know there are other circumstances that are causing our fustrations. I keep hoping once we get everything situated things will get better, but, in the mean time some days suck.
M's Mom left when he was 2 and he has always had trouble dealing physically/mentally/emotionally with women. He doesn't like kissing much. He has never asked for sex. He hates cuddling. He considers him watching tv and me on the computer "spending time together". He didn't get me a card or gift for our anniversary last month. He does love me. He will rub my back(with an attitude 50% of the time) pretty much every night(scholiosis). He will help out if I nag him enough.
We probably only have sex 2-6 times a month, depending if I am ovulating. Rarely will we sex more than 1-2 days a week if we aren't trying. He just isn't interested. He says it's not me. He says I should have just caught him "back in the day" (he's only in his mid-20's so he can flush that one down the toliet). We don't have kids yet. I'm not obese and ugly. I just don't know what else to do. I don't pressure him into having sex when we are trying muchless when we aren't.
And it's not even "all about sex". Most nights I would love to just cuddle and kiss for a few minutes, in each others arms, not a worries in the world.
He hasn't changed from day one since we met. I don't expect(although I hope like hell) him to change. I hope with the new changes coming in the next few months he will finally open up a bit more emotionally, physically, mentally with me.
Just glad I'm not alone, even if no one in the real world talks about it.
So Thank You Tamara for blogging about it, you're not alone either.