Monday, June 26
Sunday, June 25
On another note, Today I went to the local craft store to get a watch face so I could make me a watch. This week will mark two years since we began trying and I wanted something for it. Something I could wear. So I made a watch. I have one yellow bead on it. It's bright. I will call it my bead of hope. Each glass bead has a flower painted on it. M picked out the silver petal pieces between each bead. I will wear it every day until we bring our child home. Whichever way it happens.
Saturday, June 24
His hometown has roughly 3,982 people.
My hometown has roughly 671,929 people.
I'm so ready to leave!
Thursday, June 22
M on the other hand didn't comment on me once. He didn't even notice my eyes. I had to point them out a few minutes ago and it's almost 7:30pm. I really wish he would pay me some more attention. Damn it.
Tomorrow everyone is wearing Orange for our Boss's birthday. He doesn't know this yet. HeHe!
Only a few days until we leave to go out of town. A relaxing few days should do us some good. It will probably give me what I need to make a personal decesion about some things.
Wednesday, June 21
I decieded to weigh myself today. I was feeling a bit skinny. I have lost another pound so that makes me down two for the count! Only 14 more to go til I would be super happy. Still witing for those oreo cookies to come back and bite me in the ass.
I am currently at a sense of ease with the situation with my sister. I have to let myself go. I can't get attached to the baby. I can't handle it emotionally.
Tonight one of my favorite shows started again, Big Brother 7 on CBS. Yahooo!
Also The Hills on MTV.
Feeling Optimistic. Someone tell me to stop. :-)
Tuesday, June 20
I am canceling our appointments. We have decided to go out of town next week to see M's family since my doctor is out of town. We will leave next Wednesday and come home Sunday. It should be a nice relaxing time away. I still dread the drive though.
So I am canceling the appointments because I don't care for my doctor and the SA was scheduled for next Wednesday.
I will reschedule the SA when we get back and I will find a new doctor as well.
On another note, Thugboy called this morning and threatened to kick M's ass. He even brought a friend over yelling in our front yard. I almost wish he would have hit M so we could have called the cops and have him arrested. I am so sick of the drama. I just wish I could see A. It makes me so sad, really sad.
Monday, June 19
Today my mom goes to pick up A from K & Thug. Thug tells her we can't see her because *I* don't like HIM, and if I don't like him, I can't see his kid. I can't believe this fucker is doing this shit. I have no reason to hate A, I hate him. His child deserves nothing but the best especially since it's parents are stupid as hell. I can't forgive Thug for what he has done to my family. I will never forgive him. He is a grown ass man, he knew what he was doing.
I should have known better but I can't fucking believe him, her, them.
Sunday, June 18
So yesterday after I flipped out I did what I always do, I went shopping. It helped. We went to the mall. I went to Bath & Body Works for their semi-annual sale. I looked around but didn't really see anything. I almost got a pair of these but I decided not to. So I went to Hallmark to glance at their clearance and I found it. For years I have been wanting one for my desk but have always been to cheap to pay full price for one. It's a heavy white painted wood picture frame with tiny drawer (for a pen?) and it has the Month and Days blocks so you can change it every day. Best thing is, I only paid $4.24 for it. I love it.
On another note, Last night I was talking with my Mom about PCOS, testing the waters a bit. She told me to keep trying naturally, she thinks we are just rushing things (yeah 23 mths is rushing). She told me to pray about it. So I did. I told God last night if I was going to get pregnant then to let AF start tomorrow. Guess what? It worked. AF has arrived. I drank Lut's water. Now someone tell me why both these long cycles have been 117 days? WTF? My new winning number?
A package of Famous Amos Oreo-type cookies later. I am feeling better. I'm going to kick my own ass for that one this week when I gain that 1lb back. Ah, It was good.
Saturday, June 17
I just don't know what to do other than cry and it's straining things even more between M and I. I need a hug. I need someone to tell me it's going to be okay. I told M that. I told him I need him more than anything right now. He doesn't care just wants me to get over it. Can someone tell me how do to that? How do I 'get over it'?
Friday, June 16
We got a call bright and early this morning that K's water has broke, as I posted.
She called me back at 6:00 to ask where I was. I told her getting ready for work. She asked if I was coming and I told her I would be there after work. I called every hour or so for updates.
8:00 - Not much happening. She was 1cm when she came in, same as yesterdays appointment.
10:00 - She was getting epidural. She was 5cms.
11:00 - No change.
12:00 - They called me saying they almost did a c-section. Baby's heart rate dropped, her bp went down (or up?). But turned her on side, everythings fine.
1:00 - No change.
2:00 - No change. Getting a little worried she was still at 5 from 10 til now.
3:00 - She's 9cms
3:30 - She begins pushing.
4:57 - the same moment I clock out to head to hospital, she has baby.
I am an aunt. An Aunt. Aunt. I went in. His whole thug family was there. Eating chips and not picking up off of floor. Talking loud. There was 15 of them, 3 of us. I hate them. Have I said that before? We wait until we can go see her.
They let people in about an hour or two later. His family goes first. Because of course we are chopped liver or some shit. I am kinda bitter about it but walk out trying not to get emotional about it. I text M telling him what a dumbass she is. They finally leave, all 15 of them. But not before Mr.Thug himself holds the baby saying "Daddy will be back, don't cry." Oh shut the fuck up before I barf you prick. Go already! GO! Really motherfucker, leave!
Finally. I get to see my sister. I tell her she looks like shit and give her some powder and lip gloss. She thanks me and tells me to hold the baby. I take a deep breath and hold the thing. It's cute. Yeah. My heart breaks. Why the fuck these people and not me? WHY? Damn it I swear I could just walk out with the baby and never come back. They don't need or or deserve it. I do. It's not fucking fair!
My aunt calls. She's ready to come in so I go get her out front and another aunt shows up. They ask if I can watch their tiny 2lb pup while they go see the baby. Why yes, I have nothing better to do than hold a dog. By the way, nothing againist animals but I hate animals except turtles and fish. I think they stink and smell like shit no matter how much you bathe them and I hate hair every where. Ugh! So I am stuck outside with the pup and my cell is in the damn room. Grr. Bored. Finally my Mom comes and relieves me. I go in and see my family and then grab the baby and sit down. They leave, they just got in town from 6hr car ride.
I help my sister hold the baby. I help my sister breast feed the baby. I also texted M the whole time. Telling him thing like how because I have my scrubs on from work the nurses think I am someone and they tell me to help take her to the bath room for the second time. Um No. You know what you're doing. Not me!
I was dying inside. It's so unexplainable. Words can't describe. It sucks. It's been a long day. A really long day. It's unfair. Life truly is unfair. I hope I can make it until Monday.
Oh yeah... I forgot one thing.
It's a girl. Her name is A. Thank God she picked a half way decent name. She weighed 7lbs 11oz.
They are headed to the hospital now.
I'm heading to work in just over an hour.
Now the debate is...Do I go to the hospital after work even though Thug boy will be there?
Thursday, June 15
My emotions are running wild. I am so upset with all of this. It's just not fucking fair and it's really, really hitting me. It's coming close to the baby being here so it's really hurting me more. I could cry thinking about it but I've been trying not to. It's not worth it. I can't change anything. But I am still mad at this situation.
I went for an hour bike ride tonight, of course two pregnant ladies were also walking. Yep. Just what I wanted to see.
I really hope I can keep it together. I really, really hope.
Wednesday, June 14
Last night I went to bed pretty early. Thinking I would wake up again at 4:45am. I went to sleep and passed out by 10. I woke up at 11:48 dying of thirst and having to pee. So I grabbed a soda, thinking it was the diet caffiene free dr pepper. Wrong. I grabbed the one with caffiene. I woke up every hour until 5 this morning. I felt worse after that than I did after having only an hour and half of sleep.
Work wasn't too bad today thankfully. Tomorrow my doctor only works half a day. Thank goodness.
My sister goes to the doctor tomorrow. She's due in six days.
God, If your listening, give me the strength. Please.
Monday, June 12
We went to dinner with two of my moms friends she worked with for fifteen years. She hasn't seen them in about ten years. It was nice to see my mom laugh and smile.
I came home to some sad news, My neighbor, best friend since we lived in this house, sold their house. I am happy for them but oh so sad. No more bike rides with my two kids. I guess I bought the bike carrier for nothing. Wonder if I can take it back? lol... They have to be gone July 3rd. So fricking sad! I could cry. I will probably will soon.
I'm off to bed. Let's try this 4:45 am bullshit again. I can do it. I know I can!!
Sunday, June 11
After reading a book, Polycystic Ovary Syndrome by Colette Harris, that a lovely friend let me borrow (Thanks Sandra!). It says that exercising before eating in the morning means you will burn twice as much since your insulin levels are down, or something like that. Now I wake up at 6am now to get to work by 7 (I work 2 miles away.). When I exercise I am sure I will sweat so I will have to take a shower and straighten my hair, taking an extra hour and thrity minutes. So I guess I will have to wake up at 4:45am in order to do all of this and be at work on time. Is it worth it? Will it last? Who knows but it's worth a shot. I am really going to try to do better and lose something before my appointment next month. I know I can do it!
I also want to send some love out to my fellow bloggers right now, those going through happy and sad news. I am thinking and praying for each one of you. *Hugs*
Today marks cycle day 111.
Saturday, June 10
I think I am going to go mow the grass.
It's better than crying.
July 19th will be my next visit with Dr.Waitsomemore. I told the nurse to still have her call me back next week. We shall see.
Tell me not to back out of these appointments...someone?
Thursday, June 8
Today at lunch I called my OB to see if I could get in. She's booked until mid-July. I asked to have the nurse call me back. She hadn't as of today. Hmpf. Maybe tomorrow. I don't know, I don't really care for her much. I don't know what to do.
Today marks 108 days, but who's counting?
Wednesday, June 7
5 items in my fridge:
1. Light Yogurt
2. Bottled Water
3. Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper
4. Sugar Free Pudding
5. Reduced Fat Cheese
5 items in my closet
1. All my diaper cake stuff in six totes
2. My beanie baby "collection" (one day, right? haha)
3. A tote full of Christmas presents for this year
4. All my clothes - half are scrubs
5. A Quilt I started on -- a few years ago
5 items in my car
1. A toddler carseat
2. An infant carseat base
3. An road side kit
4. A stroller
5. A Memphis map
5 items in my purse/backpack
1. 17 packages of crystal light to go
2. My makeup pouch w/ brush
3. Tampons (because she will eventually start, right?)
4. A bottle of Advil liquid gels (because she will be a painful bitch comes back)
5. Way too many pens (I work at a drs office, nuff said)
I won't bitch slap anyone because I doubt many people read my blog so I'm ending it on my end lol...
Today is CD 107, only 10 days to go until I hit my on record-record.
Tuesday, June 6
Tomorrow is another day, another day I try to vow to do better. Matt on the other hand has lost over 75 lbs since Oct 1st. Congrats to him. He had it to lose. I just need to get 10, 15, maybe, maaaybe 20lbs to lose. Sigh. Why can't I fucking just do the damn thing?
Today is cd 106. I need to call the doctor. I don't like her though so I am not sure I want to go see her. Maybe I should just see one of our doctors to see what I can do and save money/time. We aren't going the infertility treatment route right now. Not the right time finicially or otherwise.
Fuckity Fuckity Fuckity Fuck.
Go ahead, say it, five times, realllllly fast!
Monday, June 5
I am calling the doctor tomorrow to schedule an appointment to go to the damn OB again at the end of the month. Hmpf.
CD 105 ...and counting!
Sunday, June 4
Saturday, June 3