5 Things You Don't Know About Me..

1. I worry about my grandma dying and what would happen to her. I worry about her not being around for me. I worry about it constantly, at least a few times every day.

2. I worry about my sister going down the wrong path. I feel like I am losing her and can't understand why she is choosing this route. She will either end up being dead, in jail, or a crack whore by the time she's 20. I miss my sister.

3. I really have a burning desire to make sure my diaper cake business is a success, to look at everyone who ever said I would never make it and say HA!

4. I worry about what people think about me, constantly.

5. I worry about the relationship my mom and I have. I worry she will continue being depressed and never get out of her slump. I miss my mom.

Those are just a few of my biggest worries.

Productive Weekend

Well I got 75 auctions listed into my eBay store! I am so proud of myself but it was totally exhausting! On a bright side, my car is fixed!! My brother was able to fix it, so I am only out about $200 instead of $700. I also have my test from my boss tomorrow to see if I can do a new position. I hope it goes well. I am confident I can do it.

Only a few days until my doctor appt!!

Getting Better

Well I think the fumes of my antifreeze leaking into my car and making me sick is starting to finally wear off. I have had a raspy voice for almost a week and I slept last night from 6pm-8am and I was only awake for one hour between that time. Tomorrow the car goes into the shop it should take 8 hours. If my brother can't fix it then we have to pay $800 to get it fixed. So my fingers are crossed!

Not Alone Afterall..

Today I was talking to one of the other ladies at work. She was a real bitch to me the other day for some unknown reason, but I like her, we have a bond. She has been trying for about the same amount of time too. Neither of us have been to the doctor. Today I was telling her I only have a few more days until we go to the doctor and she asked what kind of doctor. I told her we were going to get some things checked out in the baby department, and she was kind of shocked. She smiled then said "I'm going too". I go Wednesday, she goes Thursday morning. I am so excited for her, for us. I will have to call her Wednesday night to give her some insight. I still wish I knew what all to ask. I made a list of things to talk about though. Even though her and I aren't the best of friends, I feel like we have this inner bond that noone else can have. She did apoligize for being rude after we talked though. Yeah, yeah.

Only 5 more days! Ack!

Just The Two of Us

I was reading Michelle's Blog and she mentioned how her and her husband do silly things as a couple.

Our little silly moment is that we play thumb war. I really have no clue how it started, or frankly why it started, but it's there. We play it a few times a week, it's always right before we fall asleep, and he always cheats!

Currently, I am saddened to say, he is the winner. I will get the title back though, just letting him borrow it for a little bit. :-):-):-)

Rambling Thoughts on My Sister

I really don't know how I can handle the next 4/5 months of seeing her belly, it's getting bigger. I can hide from a friend, from a neighbor, from a coworker almost, but not a sister. I keep thinking if I shake myself hard enough I will wake up from this nightmare. Doubt it though. She is hardly around, but when she is home, it's there. :-( I cry on the inside, but I can't on the outside, everyone just tells me to get over it.

We still haven't told the rest of my family. My Grandma came over Friday evening but her and my Mom went out Friday night then left Saturday to go out of town and she didn't come back over. It pisses me off that my Mom didn't tell her. Why in the fuck is it my responsibility to tell the rest of the family? Why should I listen to all the crap they are going to say? I didn't cause this. I want to tell my Grandma, but I feel like it's not something that should be done over the phone, that would be disrespectful. If we can get my car running I guess I really should go to her house this weekend to tell her since obviously my mom and sister don't have the balls to do. Doesn't the saying go.. "You made your bed, now sleep in it?"

I really don't know what to do on the whole situation. Do I allow myself to be apart of this excitement of a new baby? Do I help by letting her use all my stuff (I was a Nanny for 5 years and still have everything except a cradle and a carseat, literally.) What if she takes everything and leaves with the asshole (the father of the child, not the baby)? Why the hell do I care if she falls on her face? Where do I set my limits? In any other situation I would say, let her learn, but there is a baby involved and this child didn't ask to be brought into this world, if someone doesn't fight for it who will?

Gosh I hate this, I hate this situation. Why in the hell is this another damn hurdle I am going to have to overcome?

It's not fair. Just not fucking fair!

Tid Bits

Well not much going on..Im on cd 11...probably 10-13 more days away from O if I O like normal... Im still 8 days away from my doctors appt...Not a whole hell of a lot going on.

This weekend we were house hunting and my car started smoking on the INSIDE...ugh..if it's not one thing it's another.

I also made a new cake...it's kinda cute!

15 Years Longggggg....

Today I was printing the schedules for the doctors I was checking in. I went to the break room and came back towards printer and it was still going off. It only took a second and I said "Oh Shit!" I walked over to the printer...I had accidently typed in 60 instead of 06 for the year so it started printing from the first day of our opening and you can't stop it... We had to keep flipping the paper so it didn't waste too much paper lol...

Thankfully I wasn't the first one to do it..BUT I was the first one to print 15 years for one of our doctors... we were finally able to get it to stop after about an hour :-)

Thank you...Thank you very much ~takes a bow~

Trying New Things Aren't Always A Good Idea..

Alright folks...I offically had my most embarassing moment ever last night.

I am sorry for what you are about to read but I feel like a total dork now.

But the day after is always funner than the actual moment. :-)

Alright, last night I was finally okay so we could make love. We were making love and M decided to try a different position...well my feet were on his chest...and we were just going along like all couples do..and well M was "Um..Yeah..THERE" and he stopped and my foot felt his heart beat and it seemed like it stopped and he didn't say anything or move.. My first reaction in probably one second was OMG He's going to fall on top of me, how am I going to get dressed, him dressed, and call 911 and WHAT in the hell am I going to say happened? Then he let out a whew type sigh and I said "OMG" and started crying. He of course was clueless and didn't know why I was crying...I explained to him the above.. and he started laughing...of course I didn't think it was funny... I told him he didn't move and it scared the shit out of me... he laughed and he said "Well Honey I was c...what do you expect?" Duh! A little thrust or moan please!

I guess I am watching too much CSI or some crap...but I cried for about 5 minutes...lol..

Yes, I have the dunce hat on today!

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snowwwww...

Well it snowed today for all of thirty minutes...it snows once a year here pretty much and is gone as fast as it came...nothing left of it thanks to the rain.

Nothing much to post about, kinda in a crappy mood right now for some reason...maybe Im just tired and need to go to bed.

I had a migrane yesterday and went to bed as soon as I got home :-(

Well tomorrow is hump day, yey! Bye for now..

Proud of My Man!

Back around September of last year we sat down and discussed some things that caused infertility, mainly how I thought M's weight could be affecting us. We agreed to start a lifestyle change, I lost 5-6lbs and gave up when Halloween came. I know, bad me. But M stuck with it, he hasn't cheated once. No soda, No candy, No cookies, Nothing fun, nadda. He weighed in Friday and since October 1st he has lost 47lbs. I am so PROUD of him! I am hoping to get back in gear but its so hard lol He still has probably 80lbs to lose but the way he's going, I have no doubt he will be there soon.

Now if I could only get up off my ass and lose the 10-20lbs I have laying around..

Fun with Dick & Jane

We saw this tonight, it was TOO funny!!!!!!!!!!!! If you haven't seen it, GO! :-)

Friday the 13th

Everyone always freaks out about Friday the 13th. A coworker commented that we were getting a fullmoon tonight too. I just didn't think about anything bad. Positive thoughts brings positive things, right?

So what happened on my Friday the 13th?

Well after two days without being on DSL, bellsouth finally send out a guy to fix it...Voila, Im baack!

I had to reschedule my dr appts because my boss wasn't going to pay me for them unless it was after Feb 1st (They were scheduled 1/23), so I rescheduled, and he approved it, so now I get paid!

One of the adoption agencies called us back and said a packet would be in the mail, well I got that today.

And last, but NOT least..

After almost 4mths, almost 17 weeks, 117 days, 2808 hrs...My 13th cycle ended on Friday the 13th.

That's right folks, I am back in the game!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

L
Cy14 Cd 1
TTC#1 since July 1st 2004

I did it, I *finally* did it!!

Mark your calendars folks, Imma going to the gyno...YIKES!

My appt is Jan 23rd.

After that I go to the hand dr to check out possibly getting surgery (UGH)

and after THAT I go to the dentist..yes, all in one day.

I'm nuts!

Three in Five Days!

Well I have sold three of my lovely diaper cakes in five days! I am SO excited! Finally getting a steady increase in sales since the end of November. Thank you God for giving me a fresh breath. At least something is going good. :-)

The Adoption Option

Well I finally called a few agencies, asked for some packets. I also bought the book an adoptive Mom told me to pick up. "Adopting In America" by Randall Hicks. Can't wait to read it. M said he would read it with me in bed as soon as we got it in.

It's a start

Worst News..

Well, A few days before Christmas I was flowing through the holidays, trying to make the best of it. As life would have it, a holiday without bad news wasn't in the works for me, not this year at least.

My 17 year old sister is pregnant. A year ago she stole a few thousand dollars in jewlery and a gun from my aunt and grandma, with the help of this punk ass kid, Chris. He is of course the baby's father. How fucking wonderful. The family has been split since everything went down, now this too?

She is as far along as I would be if I would have got pregnant this cycle, yes I say this cycle because I am currently on CD 113. I have never had a cycle this long, so I have no clue what the hell is going on. I need to go to the dr, and will in the next few weeks. *Sigh*

So, Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

Not.

Im Back

Well I lost my password and user ID and for about 6 weeks I really didn't have much to post about. But a week before Christmas I got the worst news of this journey to date. I wanted a place to vent, a place of my own, but I couldn't figure out how to find my name or password. But, I finally found both, and now I am offically *back*.