Today we had our garage sale. We made about $750. Not too bad for all the long hours it took to get everything together. I made an emotional decision to sell off all my baby clothes. I have been buying clothes for the past 5 years (even before we began trying) and I just can't bare it any more. So I put it out in the sale today. I kept two bins full to resell on eBay (only new with tag items and very, very good quality used clothes). What didn't sell was put into 5 piles My Cousin's Baby, My Neighbor's Baby, My Other Neighbor's Baby, My Sister's Baby, and Goodwill. Sigh. I kept four outfits I was given as gifts, back in the day when "it's going to happen soon". I am at peace with my desicion, there will be other clothes to buy. It's just very emotional to get rid of it. Like I have settled into reality a bit that it's not going to happen any time soon.
I also got to see my neice again today. Let me tell you HOW much of a shocker it is. My sister dropped her off at 1 and didn't come back until after 6! Amaya and I cuddled and coo'd and ate and slept togther. She only left my side long enough for great-grandma to hold her for a few mins while I did the garage sale, and when I left to go get some ice cream. Amaya and I took a nap together around 4. My heart melted when I woke up and saw a baby next to me asleep, there's just something about a sleeping baby. I am so very thankful I was able to get the baby this long today. I love this little bundle so much it hurts. I just hate how her parents are acting.
Tonight despite having a wonderful, successful, day I am emotionally spent. I am so down in the dumps, maybe it's just the lack of sleep. How do you cope when you heart wants something so much it aches? Noone else in my family understands what I am feeling. They don't 'get it'. They probably never will. I hate feeling alone, even though I know there *are* people out there who know/understand what I am going through.
Please no comments on baby sleeping with me. She was safely kept away from me and M was in the same room the whole time. No worries about rolling over on her.
God, I love this girl.
5 comments:
My heart goes out to you. You're being very strong.
Have you thought of a surrogate mother program?
OMG what a beautiful picture...it made my morning. She is sooo cute.
Good for being brave and selling things that are just bringing you sadness.
No, i don't think most people, unless they are unlucky enough to know IF, will ever understand.
IF is incredibly lonely at times...but at least you have us out in the web universe who are there with you.
thanks for the picture.
That must have been heartwrenching for you, letting go of those things. But letting go of the things, is not letting go of the dream.
I'm glad you enjoyed the afternoon with your niece.
Hang in there.
Your niece is adorable. I am glad you got to have such quality time with her.
The heartache is really really hard. Cut yourself some slack, it is ok to feel crappy, and no, your family will never get it.
She is just beautiful. Glad to hear you are getting to spend some time with her. You will always be her rope. Enjoy.
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