One Thousand Four Hundred Sixty One Days

Today marks 4 years since I began my infertility journey.

I vaguely remember the good ole days. Oh you know, the message boards, the cycle buddies, the TTC Cycle# signatures so full of hope, the reading of this, the daily 4 am use of this, the daily log in here, don't forget to check that, the stock piles of these and those, and oh my god all that fucking baby dust!

Then there was bottles of this, all of these, sex every day, sex every other day, sex once a week, sex once a year, oh forget it, what IS the reason for sex again?

At that point you finally start getting good news. But it doesn't just stop there, it keeps going, and going, and going, and well, you get the point.

So, you go to a doctor to find out what's wrong. Someone will tell you you're fine, then you will realize you have this. But everyone will tell you "Relax, you're young"!

But then, none of that matters because he will cheat, you will leave, and you'll have to start allllllllllll the way back over.

And the new guy will tell you those years don't count, you're with him now. It will be too soon for treatments or adoption, so you'll just have to wait missy!

You think the whole fourth year "fruits and flowers" will some how equal a baby? I guess only time will tell!

Oh How I Wish...

I wish I could get pregnant on my own, without any medical help. If I got pregnant without medical help, I wouldn't have to wait for the right time. I wouldn't have to save thousands of dollars for treatments or adoption. I wouldn't have to wait for a cycle to start. I wouldn't have to wait for him to be ready for adoption.

This sucks.

Wordless Wednesday

All the photos weren't perfect. Heh. Silly Girl.

Wow Moments

This morning I woke up late for work. I usually fall asleep on my left side because I can't hear out of my left ear, but I managed to roll onto my right side in the night, so I didn't hear my alarm. I called work to tell them a quick "Oh shit, I'm sorry. I'm coming, watch my desk, please"! I called my boss to tell her I was on my way, too. After I hung up, I started crying. Crying because if it wasn't for "IT" it wouldn't matter what side I laid on.

I had another WOW moment today. I have always looked a lot younger than I am. I found out most patients with "IT" tend to look younger, too. This shit is very interesting. I'm finding the more I am learning about "IT", the more I am feeling blessed I am a fully functioning adult and alive for that matter.

Double Edged Sword

I talked with a few physicians at my office today about "IT". The physician I called over the weekend told me as she read the "official" website for "IT" she was very disturbed. Sigh. Not something you want to hear when someone is referring to your health. I'm just blessed I work in the medical field with so much information at my finger tips.

"IT" affects hearing, vision, heart, esophagus, kidneys, fertility, and gastric area, just to name a few major issues--making it an official clusterfuck. Tomorrow I am getting an ultrasound (at work) of my kidneys before we send me to a geneticist. Of all the affected areas, those haven't had any known issues to date, so they "just want to be sure". It's safe to say at this point, we don't expect "IT" to kill me since it hasn't already. It's nice to have a name for my medical history though.

On the flip side, it sucks so bad knowing the chances of me passing this on are 50/50. After using Dr. Google to research "IT", I believe my parents were lucky that I don't suffer from any mental or physical retardation as most kids apparently do. Despite having PCOS, I still had hope I would eventually have a child one day. However, I am not sure I am willing to risk this. They can't test the embryo, but you can test the fetus using CVS. I'm not sure I'm willing to go through that.

I'm still not ready to say what "IT" is. Thanks for all the well wishes. I'll get through this, like many before it.

Show & Tell #3

Is there really anything to tell you about this adorable little twirp? We had fun getting her two year old pictures today. It was even more fun considering we spent two hours at the minor med and she didn't have a nap all day. Out of 66 poses, I bought 11 of them.

On a side note, while at the minor med for her, the doctor and I discussed something about me. After coming home to Dr.Google it, I am going to get genetic testing to see if I have this. If I do, I haven't decided if I am willing to continue TTC, the risk of me passing this to my child is 50%. I don't want to discuss what "it" is at the moment, but literally, a light bulb went off in my head today. The same lightbulb that shinned when I Dr.Google PCOS. It's a fluke the doctor and I even met today, so I have to look at this as a sign. Some of my family and NYEBoy think it's bullshit, but I think they may just be in denial.

In A Funk

I'm in a funk. I told NYEBoy I didn't want him coming up for the weekend. He took it personally, which hurt his feelings. It's not him. I just don't want to do any thing this weekend, with any one.

I am coming to the end of some work drama. July 1st will mark my 4yr mark of TTC. Thugboy is acting like an asshole right now by keeping A from me. He's not taking care of her, he just doesn't want *me* to have her. I'm dealing with family drama from my mom, dad, brother, sister, and aunt. All have their own seperate issues. I am worried about the finances it's going to take for me to make the move in a few months.

I just want to get off work tomorrow night knowing I don't have any obligations until Monday morning at 7am at which point I have to return to work. If I want to sit in the apartment wearing the same clothes for two days without taking a shower, only leaving the house to get something to eat at a drive-thru, sleeping as long as I want, or laughing and crying as loud as I need to, then noone can say a thing about it.

I just wish he wouldn't take it personally because I really feel guilty. I just really need to be alone for a few days.